I was reading an old journal entry about an evening when I was acting really erratic. How strange it was. All of those emotions came back so quickly and were so very real, but there was also a new feeling - of objectivity. I really went bonkers that day - intense was not the word. I wonder if I were on my mood stabilizersback then, would I have freaked as much? I wonder now, if I go off these things, will I freak out like that again?

I wrote something yesterday when I went on my little walk to the park downtown. It was a strange insight, but as with all my rantings, I had to share it with you and put it down in Times Roman for the record...

I'm slipping between "why me" and "why not me" -
why did my mom get cancer, why are my friends getting the lucky film breaks?

Right now, I'm living dangerously without a strong sunscreen.
(applies sunscreen. SPF 60 - what a wuss.)

So I swing between the why me and why not me - it's pathetic. I'm pathetic, and until I stop beating myself up about this crap, I'll end up black and blue.
Inner bruises are harder to see and heal...

Why can't I shake this dead weight off me? I feel awful about everything, I feel guilty for everything. That's toxic - the guilt, the despair, the regret.

I think that mom's cancer has triggered quite the cascade of emotions, picking up speed and litres of cubic volume along the way.

I miss being happy. I miss having things to do - things that I can really sink my teeth into that give me a sense of purpose and satisfaction. I wish I had a lucky break - a nice big fat one...
I'm not talking about the past, I'm talking about now!

Look at those drunkies/druggies; the woman who looks like Janis Joplin, clapping her hands, smiling and laughing, talking with her other junkie buddies. They don't have a care in the world - in the now world that is...

Ignorance is bliss to a certain extent I guess.

As for me? Well, I think too damm much. Over think and Über-analyze. If I could only put that mechanisim of "over thinking" into good use.
I can hear the:
Kathy, you're blowing things out of proportion again!
Different voices reciting the same sound bite.

God. I hate feeling helpless and confused like this - bound, gagged and blindfolded in the back of a truck heading nowhere - going around in circles, and circles and circles.

The mood stabilizers are really just acting like a lead blanket - when I'm sad - it's a general layer of sadness. Everything and nothing in particular. When I was'nt on them, I was able, at least to truly feel those complex emotionson on a more profound, almost spiritual level; they each had a name: a fixed smell, a vibrant color, a certian part of the body that ached. These moments of sadness were easy to pinpoint:

- I feel rejected
- I feel jealous
- I feel needy
- I feel lonely
- I feel lost

I was able to see exactly where and what the roots were, examine them, dissect and try to understand.

Lonely?
Who is not in your life that is making you lonely?
Depressed?
What is happening in your life that is making you depressed?
Overwhelmed?
Why exactly are you feeling overwhelmed?

But now, I waddle through a perpetual black sludge in my mind where everything is blurry, nothing is distinguishable, all amounting to one big lumpy stinking mess. If only I knew what this toxic soup was comprised of, perhaps I could then be able to systematically remove these corpses and dispose of them.

but for now, this poisonous liquid becoming that much thicker, and therefore it eventually becomes that much more indigestible.

**

From what I rememeber of lithium, I'd say these pills are a milder form. ButI'm still fumbling in that zombie-like state. No gears, no brakes, just wheels and a body being pulled toward and elusive point of "generic wellness".
I can't even tell you what's moving and what's standing still.

Yes, I miss the highs. Those creative high - we all remember them well. Perhaps there is a way to balance on both feet and not fall flat on your face, or break bones, but lay on the side. Or perhaps that's where I am now - laying on the side, and I can't get up.

God.
I sit here thinking about the weeks zooming by. All the money I've spent, the fact that I'm not making any money, how I long to be "part" of something creative and productive so I could share in the genesis of a wonderful project, but I am ever looking for a reason to fail, to doubt myself.

A certain kind of poetic existential suicide.

(looking around, I zone out, and write this)

I saw the face of Jesus in a park bench by the fountain.

What a great title for a song - Tom Waits style.

I really did.
For a moment, when my eyes weren't focused on anything in particular. The pattern was always there. Perhaps I was looking for it, needed to see it. The face of the Jesus in a slice of toast, the virgin Mary in the reflection of an office window; what have we become, where has our faith gone?

(I realize that what I just wrote has some bizarre connections and perhaps answers to the questions I've been asking myself all along...)

Goodbye Santa Fe

Goodbye Santa Fe
Originally uploaded by eqqman.

My friend Eric was in Santa Fe for the summer.
How I envy him.

Santa Fe is a beautiful place on it's own, but E's photos just bring out the magic.

I am hoping that my mom and I will be able to go there sometime in January to see her friend Y. I know we will both need that rest after the year we've had...

Thnx Eric for showing me that the world is still a beautiful place to be in...

It's here again...
That lovely time of the month that makes me feel as if I am falling from a 100 story building with blocks of cement on my legs.

The time of month where everything seems like a lost cause and nothing is worth any effort.

Except, this feeling has been around a lot longer than usual.
I think of this time as the cayane pepper sprinkling of woe and desperation in my already stomach churning/too hot to digest weeks of indigestion.

Today, I feel as if all of what I have done up to now is just for shit - nothing. All of this work, effort, tears, and exhaustion has amounted up to zip. I am telling myself - face it, you're 38, unemployed, too many university degrees and almost 40000$ in debt with no sign of any of this getting better.

And this overwhelms me to the point that I feel as if I am suffocating.
I don't see any way out except - out.

But I am not as desperate as I was in my youth - I now know that there are alternate ways to snake around the rough spots - but are they feasible options? Skipping town, the country, changing my identity and starting from scratch? Is it worth it? Will I spend the rest of my life trying to salvage the shreds of this one, or would it be worth the effort to wipe the slate clean? Fuck that - toss the slate and get a new one?

What are the options?
Are there ever any real options?

up to speed...

Well, in a nutshell:

Mom is going through chemo. I can't calculate the months but she started in May (I think, no April 4. It was my birthday. How could I forget?) She is losing her hair big time. She bought a wig and it looks fantastic. She wants to shave her head - I told her to wait for me cause I want to take pictures of it. It's almost like a ritual - a passage from one identity to another - almost monastic in quality. I hope she waits for me. If she doesn't, she'll be in a lot of trouble...

Found out that the root of most of my problems is my fybromyalgia. The brain fog, the aches and pains (and oh the fucken aches and pains...), the memory loss, the fatigue and depression - all part and parcel of this syndrome. What did he tell me? Exercise and eat well.

thank's a fucken million.
I could have looked at the latest issue of Glamour or Elle to find out that kind of information.

I know it's hard - you feel achy, and depressed, so you don't have the energy to do anything - but that is a vicious cycle - you have to break it, once you do, you'll see things will get easier with time. It's one of the proven solutions for people with your illness.

Then it hit me: As hard as it's going to be (especially now - I'm feeling sooo down and exhausted) I have to help myself.

My best gal pal sent me an email telling me how proud she was that I was going through this so stoically - taking it all in stride, one day at a time.
if I were in your shoes, I would have melted away or gone insane a long time ago...

That's what I fear - that I am slowly melting - peices of me are falling away at such a slow rate, I don't notice now, but in 2 years I will - I will be a mess...

Am I dealing with this properly? Am I using this dark passage in my life to renew myself - grow spiritually, or am I in some sort of hazy denial?

I don't know anymore, and I don't have the energy to ask those questions of myself either...


The photo stuff is good - well, on one side of the coin.
Did I mention that my stuff is now on display in Arizona? For the whole month. I am really happy about that.

then what's wrong?
Money. Isn't it always?
I need money, I need people to pay me money for the work that I do. Things are painfully slow, but I am hoping that now I've turned my front room into what looks more like a studio, I might be able to have people here to take headshots.

Funny, I even doubt my ability to do that well, despite the fact that I've done it before.

Silly silly moi.

Going camping next week with the man to Vermont.
A nice relaxing 3 days in the woods. I think it might be really cold at night, so I will bring long-johns to keep my aching bones warm.

Sitting by the fire with a can of lighter fluid, marshmellows, cheap booze and a portable raido that plays "The house of Hair" - old metal bands from the 80's.

Yea, I can't wait....