up to speed...

Well, in a nutshell:

Mom is going through chemo. I can't calculate the months but she started in May (I think, no April 4. It was my birthday. How could I forget?) She is losing her hair big time. She bought a wig and it looks fantastic. She wants to shave her head - I told her to wait for me cause I want to take pictures of it. It's almost like a ritual - a passage from one identity to another - almost monastic in quality. I hope she waits for me. If she doesn't, she'll be in a lot of trouble...

Found out that the root of most of my problems is my fybromyalgia. The brain fog, the aches and pains (and oh the fucken aches and pains...), the memory loss, the fatigue and depression - all part and parcel of this syndrome. What did he tell me? Exercise and eat well.

thank's a fucken million.
I could have looked at the latest issue of Glamour or Elle to find out that kind of information.

I know it's hard - you feel achy, and depressed, so you don't have the energy to do anything - but that is a vicious cycle - you have to break it, once you do, you'll see things will get easier with time. It's one of the proven solutions for people with your illness.

Then it hit me: As hard as it's going to be (especially now - I'm feeling sooo down and exhausted) I have to help myself.

My best gal pal sent me an email telling me how proud she was that I was going through this so stoically - taking it all in stride, one day at a time.
if I were in your shoes, I would have melted away or gone insane a long time ago...

That's what I fear - that I am slowly melting - peices of me are falling away at such a slow rate, I don't notice now, but in 2 years I will - I will be a mess...

Am I dealing with this properly? Am I using this dark passage in my life to renew myself - grow spiritually, or am I in some sort of hazy denial?

I don't know anymore, and I don't have the energy to ask those questions of myself either...


The photo stuff is good - well, on one side of the coin.
Did I mention that my stuff is now on display in Arizona? For the whole month. I am really happy about that.

then what's wrong?
Money. Isn't it always?
I need money, I need people to pay me money for the work that I do. Things are painfully slow, but I am hoping that now I've turned my front room into what looks more like a studio, I might be able to have people here to take headshots.

Funny, I even doubt my ability to do that well, despite the fact that I've done it before.

Silly silly moi.

Going camping next week with the man to Vermont.
A nice relaxing 3 days in the woods. I think it might be really cold at night, so I will bring long-johns to keep my aching bones warm.

Sitting by the fire with a can of lighter fluid, marshmellows, cheap booze and a portable raido that plays "The house of Hair" - old metal bands from the 80's.

Yea, I can't wait....