I was reading an old journal entry about an evening when I was acting really erratic. How strange it was. All of those emotions came back so quickly and were so very real, but there was also a new feeling - of objectivity. I really went bonkers that day - intense was not the word. I wonder if I were on my mood stabilizersback then, would I have freaked as much? I wonder now, if I go off these things, will I freak out like that again?

I wrote something yesterday when I went on my little walk to the park downtown. It was a strange insight, but as with all my rantings, I had to share it with you and put it down in Times Roman for the record...

I'm slipping between "why me" and "why not me" -
why did my mom get cancer, why are my friends getting the lucky film breaks?

Right now, I'm living dangerously without a strong sunscreen.
(applies sunscreen. SPF 60 - what a wuss.)

So I swing between the why me and why not me - it's pathetic. I'm pathetic, and until I stop beating myself up about this crap, I'll end up black and blue.
Inner bruises are harder to see and heal...

Why can't I shake this dead weight off me? I feel awful about everything, I feel guilty for everything. That's toxic - the guilt, the despair, the regret.

I think that mom's cancer has triggered quite the cascade of emotions, picking up speed and litres of cubic volume along the way.

I miss being happy. I miss having things to do - things that I can really sink my teeth into that give me a sense of purpose and satisfaction. I wish I had a lucky break - a nice big fat one...
I'm not talking about the past, I'm talking about now!

Look at those drunkies/druggies; the woman who looks like Janis Joplin, clapping her hands, smiling and laughing, talking with her other junkie buddies. They don't have a care in the world - in the now world that is...

Ignorance is bliss to a certain extent I guess.

As for me? Well, I think too damm much. Over think and Über-analyze. If I could only put that mechanisim of "over thinking" into good use.
I can hear the:
Kathy, you're blowing things out of proportion again!
Different voices reciting the same sound bite.

God. I hate feeling helpless and confused like this - bound, gagged and blindfolded in the back of a truck heading nowhere - going around in circles, and circles and circles.

The mood stabilizers are really just acting like a lead blanket - when I'm sad - it's a general layer of sadness. Everything and nothing in particular. When I was'nt on them, I was able, at least to truly feel those complex emotionson on a more profound, almost spiritual level; they each had a name: a fixed smell, a vibrant color, a certian part of the body that ached. These moments of sadness were easy to pinpoint:

- I feel rejected
- I feel jealous
- I feel needy
- I feel lonely
- I feel lost

I was able to see exactly where and what the roots were, examine them, dissect and try to understand.

Lonely?
Who is not in your life that is making you lonely?
Depressed?
What is happening in your life that is making you depressed?
Overwhelmed?
Why exactly are you feeling overwhelmed?

But now, I waddle through a perpetual black sludge in my mind where everything is blurry, nothing is distinguishable, all amounting to one big lumpy stinking mess. If only I knew what this toxic soup was comprised of, perhaps I could then be able to systematically remove these corpses and dispose of them.

but for now, this poisonous liquid becoming that much thicker, and therefore it eventually becomes that much more indigestible.

**

From what I rememeber of lithium, I'd say these pills are a milder form. ButI'm still fumbling in that zombie-like state. No gears, no brakes, just wheels and a body being pulled toward and elusive point of "generic wellness".
I can't even tell you what's moving and what's standing still.

Yes, I miss the highs. Those creative high - we all remember them well. Perhaps there is a way to balance on both feet and not fall flat on your face, or break bones, but lay on the side. Or perhaps that's where I am now - laying on the side, and I can't get up.

God.
I sit here thinking about the weeks zooming by. All the money I've spent, the fact that I'm not making any money, how I long to be "part" of something creative and productive so I could share in the genesis of a wonderful project, but I am ever looking for a reason to fail, to doubt myself.

A certain kind of poetic existential suicide.

(looking around, I zone out, and write this)

I saw the face of Jesus in a park bench by the fountain.

What a great title for a song - Tom Waits style.

I really did.
For a moment, when my eyes weren't focused on anything in particular. The pattern was always there. Perhaps I was looking for it, needed to see it. The face of the Jesus in a slice of toast, the virgin Mary in the reflection of an office window; what have we become, where has our faith gone?

(I realize that what I just wrote has some bizarre connections and perhaps answers to the questions I've been asking myself all along...)