Morning

Morning
Originally uploaded by The Conspirators.

Yes, many of my mornings should look like this, but my distaste for 90 proof before noon keeps me from falling into this kind of despair...

Still struggling but not sinking.

Still struggling, but not sinking too much...

found out more information about bankruptcy - so many things to think about. I don't have the energy or time to soak my brain in that administrative deluge of numbers and subsections of laws.

I just try to wake up tomorrow and tomorrow.

I saw this in my email box.
It occasionally rings a bell, touches a nerve and brings home some very important truths.

After hearing my grandmother (bless her soul - she's 85 and is losing her memory) tell me that a career in administrative office work was an intelligent choice over pursuing my dream of photography and film, I am having second thoughts about having second thoughts about giving up.

(wim - this is for you too. I send you intercontinental love and support :-))))

desperate letter to a friend

I am in so much trouble.
I got the update for my student loan.
$30 000

not including my other cards - $10 000

I can't get rid of my student loan because I have to wait 10 years after being a full time or part time student 2001 - that means I would have to wait another 4 years - 2011.

I will be 43

and even at that, I am not guaranteed that they will say okay.
I just met with Legal Aid here at my new place of employment.

They told me that they will liquidate my assets.
And if I don't have anything, the will be able to seize my furniture,and clothes.

I am so sick and upset, I am about to throw up.
I have to do a fucken shoot tonight for a friend. I'm not getting paid, but at this point, I need to do it to keep me from slipping deep.

I'm halfway there.

I'm considering going back on lithium - big dose. At least I will be numb, and not have the floor of hell scraping doomsday scenarios that I'm having now.

I've been there before - and God, I know it's coming. My body is shutting down and I am expending all my energies and sanity just to wake me up in the morning.

I have no more drive, and at this point, either way, I'm fucked.
I fear being
debt - going to be in my mid 40's without any savings, tax breaks - nothing.
No child. No husband. No collateral, no money.


I think my only thing to do now is pray like a motherfucker, and write to as many venture capitalists and famous movie stars that have had near misses in their careers because of manic depressive illness.

Maybe someone will see their past life in me - and reach out


I can't shake this girl.
This was the straw that broke the camel's back.

i cant even get money for back child support that my father claimed on his income tax years ago. My mom made an approximate calculation. We were looking at something like 25 000$. But according to the law, if 10 years have passed since the last payment, I can't do anything.

He is on his fucken $200 000 boat and laughing. Him and his fucken greedy wife.

they will never change.

I am so tired - in spirit and mind.
I know you know what I mean, but as we get older, the lows get deeper and sometimes, it's just too much essential life blood spilt to get out.

My other option? Marry an American, move to the US and say "fuck you Canada' .

I'm sorry girl. I hate to dump.

And please, please please, no hard hitting Scandinavian boot camp talk.
I know you're itching to - and will use your strengths and success with overcoming adversity to make a point to me, but honey, it would just fall on bruised and bleeding ears, and a soul that shrinks with every breath....

Here I am - one of the walking wounded.

One of the walking wounded
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

Bruised and bloodied - I am unable to stand for long periods of time without falling over.

And so I must rest.
I must rest...

It's not that funny anymore

I am sliding into a deep something - have not figured it out yet, but it ain't a joyous and or rapturous moment. I think I might be hitting a deeper shade of burn-out and despair.

And this one scares the shit out of me.

My mind mobile is hydroplaning on a rainy day - tears from my eyes and the storm in my head are making cognitive navigation very difficult.

My hindsight is myopic and I'm running on fumes but can't refuel cause gas is at a premium these days.

Conservation exasperation
God deliver me from this mess I have created of my life
Give me the strength to go on...

My best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, with her beautiful darling man, and now they are living the beautiful happy family life.

I got a job - full time at least until December - clerical work that numbs the mind - neurons have begun to snap from the extreme cold of boredom

I am exhausted - running, running but never being able to climb up and out of this darkness.
The hill keeps on moving up - the incline increases. Just when I think I have caught my breath, I am forced to move again. My legs are shaking, but the blood is leaking from my toes, and fingertips.

And the latest tally is 30 000$ on my student loan.
I initially owed 17000$ but there was more than 12000$ in interest.
How fucked is that!?

And even if I want to declare bankruptcy, my debt would not be wiped out.

I'm almost 40, have nothing more than 1000$ in a retired savings plan, and a camera.
they can't take blood from a stone?!

They want to, and they will stop at nothing to try.

I am so afraid of what is going to come next.
I'm tired of hearing people tell me well, you know, it's all a lesson learned, and what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger...

Well, it may not kill me now, but it will catch up to me.
It happened to my mom - and now she has cancer.

I dread that I'm next.

I am losing my memory in the lint filled deep pockets of time. I don't even want to eat but the enigma called a stomach keeps growing and growing - a mind/body/stomach of it's own.
it has become my bastard child

and my mind has become the other who never quite made it out of the womb - a mental defect, retarded - slowed down - suspended animation within an instant of fear.

I'm slipping and I really honestly don't know how long I can hang on this time.

this time...

congratulations!

congratulations!
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I keep on forgetting how amazing babies are - so perfect in every way. Skin so soft, eyes so blue, tiny fingers and hands with teeny tiny nails so delicate.

Here, my best friend and her sweetheard hold their newborn baby - only a day old.

How could I NOT post a photo like this?!?!?

Lacrimosa - her tears - Montreal - a city mourns

lacrimosa - her tears - Montreal - a city mourns
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

My dedication to a city in mourning.

A sad day in the city

Yesterday, 20 people were injured after a lone gunman opened fire, killing one person at a college in downtown Montreal. I was about a 10 minute walk away from the scene. I was sitting outside on a university campus, eating my lunch when a girl walked over to her friend and said: did you hear? There's been a shooting at Dawson!
The other replied: What movie was it?
Shocked, the girl paused and then replied: It was shooting shooting - as in bang bang shooting! Apparently, one of my friends who works nearby said he saw a girl running down the street, hysterical screaming "He's got a gun, and there's blood everywhere!"

I sat there, trying to mind my own business, but perhaps the loud thud as my heart sank to my stomach was not as quiet as I thought.

I had been a student at that particular campus for 3 years as a night student in photography. I would often go during the day to print some of my pictures.

I was thinking of going back to the labs during the day to catch up some images I wanted to hand print.

I could have been there when it happened.

That shook me to the core of my very being...

I remember on December 6th, 1989 standing on the street downtown and hearing the sirens wailing - so many. A symphony of screams and explosions of lights.
I felt like something terrible had happened.
I knew it was something to do with death - many many people.
Blood everywhere.

I felt it in my gut.

When I found out that Marc Lepin had shot 13 women at the Ecole Polytechnique, I cried.

how could this happen?

We still don't know the answers.

And can't answer those questions about yesterday either.

My prayers and condolences go out to the families and victims of this terrible tragedy...

it is a sad day in the city...

Inner Vision

Inner Vision
Originally uploaded by Unbridled Expression (tm).

Sometimes turning inside towards yourself is the best way to find answers. I've been trying to waddle through a backload of mental shit and emotional debris latley. I'm on a cleaning binge. Perhaps I'll get some much needed order in my so-called chaos...