desperate letter to a friend

I am in so much trouble.
I got the update for my student loan.
$30 000

not including my other cards - $10 000

I can't get rid of my student loan because I have to wait 10 years after being a full time or part time student 2001 - that means I would have to wait another 4 years - 2011.

I will be 43

and even at that, I am not guaranteed that they will say okay.
I just met with Legal Aid here at my new place of employment.

They told me that they will liquidate my assets.
And if I don't have anything, the will be able to seize my furniture,and clothes.

I am so sick and upset, I am about to throw up.
I have to do a fucken shoot tonight for a friend. I'm not getting paid, but at this point, I need to do it to keep me from slipping deep.

I'm halfway there.

I'm considering going back on lithium - big dose. At least I will be numb, and not have the floor of hell scraping doomsday scenarios that I'm having now.

I've been there before - and God, I know it's coming. My body is shutting down and I am expending all my energies and sanity just to wake me up in the morning.

I have no more drive, and at this point, either way, I'm fucked.
I fear being
debt - going to be in my mid 40's without any savings, tax breaks - nothing.
No child. No husband. No collateral, no money.


I think my only thing to do now is pray like a motherfucker, and write to as many venture capitalists and famous movie stars that have had near misses in their careers because of manic depressive illness.

Maybe someone will see their past life in me - and reach out


I can't shake this girl.
This was the straw that broke the camel's back.

i cant even get money for back child support that my father claimed on his income tax years ago. My mom made an approximate calculation. We were looking at something like 25 000$. But according to the law, if 10 years have passed since the last payment, I can't do anything.

He is on his fucken $200 000 boat and laughing. Him and his fucken greedy wife.

they will never change.

I am so tired - in spirit and mind.
I know you know what I mean, but as we get older, the lows get deeper and sometimes, it's just too much essential life blood spilt to get out.

My other option? Marry an American, move to the US and say "fuck you Canada' .

I'm sorry girl. I hate to dump.

And please, please please, no hard hitting Scandinavian boot camp talk.
I know you're itching to - and will use your strengths and success with overcoming adversity to make a point to me, but honey, it would just fall on bruised and bleeding ears, and a soul that shrinks with every breath....