It's not that funny anymore

I am sliding into a deep something - have not figured it out yet, but it ain't a joyous and or rapturous moment. I think I might be hitting a deeper shade of burn-out and despair.

And this one scares the shit out of me.

My mind mobile is hydroplaning on a rainy day - tears from my eyes and the storm in my head are making cognitive navigation very difficult.

My hindsight is myopic and I'm running on fumes but can't refuel cause gas is at a premium these days.

Conservation exasperation
God deliver me from this mess I have created of my life
Give me the strength to go on...

My best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, with her beautiful darling man, and now they are living the beautiful happy family life.

I got a job - full time at least until December - clerical work that numbs the mind - neurons have begun to snap from the extreme cold of boredom

I am exhausted - running, running but never being able to climb up and out of this darkness.
The hill keeps on moving up - the incline increases. Just when I think I have caught my breath, I am forced to move again. My legs are shaking, but the blood is leaking from my toes, and fingertips.

And the latest tally is 30 000$ on my student loan.
I initially owed 17000$ but there was more than 12000$ in interest.
How fucked is that!?

And even if I want to declare bankruptcy, my debt would not be wiped out.

I'm almost 40, have nothing more than 1000$ in a retired savings plan, and a camera.
they can't take blood from a stone?!

They want to, and they will stop at nothing to try.

I am so afraid of what is going to come next.
I'm tired of hearing people tell me well, you know, it's all a lesson learned, and what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger...

Well, it may not kill me now, but it will catch up to me.
It happened to my mom - and now she has cancer.

I dread that I'm next.

I am losing my memory in the lint filled deep pockets of time. I don't even want to eat but the enigma called a stomach keeps growing and growing - a mind/body/stomach of it's own.
it has become my bastard child

and my mind has become the other who never quite made it out of the womb - a mental defect, retarded - slowed down - suspended animation within an instant of fear.

I'm slipping and I really honestly don't know how long I can hang on this time.

this time...