a letter to a friend unedited and unplugged

A letter to a friend - unedited and unplugged...

Gawd.
I'm sorry to have sent you such a desperate email lastnight.

Actually - I was ready to call you - I was up, restless and could not sleep. Those fucken highs... And to top it all off, the meds that bring me downfrom the highs -trazadone, gives me these disturbing dreams. I can't complain - my dream was with that "dr.goodlooking' or whatshisname on Grey's anatomy? Well, he was thinking of marrying me - we spent a wonderful whirwind day together after trying to take shelter in a weird warehouse/office/photostudio from some approaching tornadoes. The sky was beautiful - indigo and mauve clouds across a blue blue mountianous horizon - there were tiny funnels everwhere, and every time I thought one was coming, it turned out to miss us by a hair, a few feet, tops.

There was a pregnant woman there too - and we hid behind furniuture - weird,..

So this doctor dude and I...

I was taking a shower, and he tried to get sexy with me, but told him"I have to wait till we are more serious" and he was all sweet saying that was not was he was after, and that he just really liked me..

I remember looking out his bathroom window and seeing a beautiful sea of crystal clear turquise waters - calm and warm, and thought to myself - "this is perfection..."

What do you make of this dream my dear?

Sometimes I think I'm on the way to getting my life in order and making all my dreams come true, and sometimes, it feels as if the nighmare is just begining...

When I was 35 I hoped that 36 would be better... Now, I'm on the cusp of 39, and I'm running out of numbers to hang hopes on.

I hate being a slave to my biology - and that's what happens fron time to time.
My bipolar is my mental cancer - you can treat it, stop it frrom spreading, even remove it - but the traces of toxic resude are always there - waiting, sleeping - and you're never sure when they are going to come back to haunt again.

sorry for the rant my dear. I know you understand me on so many levels, but don'tworry, I'm not looking for fixing, just listening.