seems like words really do heal, or at dull the sting of pain and confusion
My mom just spoke to my aunt and uncle.
Apparently my aunt's WBC is all over the map and has some sort of chest cold so they will have to delay, if not totally abandon the idea of chemo.
They spoke to the oncology ward to sign a do not resuscitate order.
The next topic was about the news, what they saw on cnn, what my grandmother has been up to, the weather here and in calgary...
It is just so surreal.
I've decided to burn the latest issue of Oprah magazine. My mom got it for me because she said that Oprah has this new thing that she did on one show about "People who are bi-polar coming out in the open with this disease" and thought it would inspire me. But in between each glossy perfume/Maybellene/Moschino ad is a reminder:
run for the breast cancer cure event"
"find a cure for breast cancer",
"Melanoma killed my sister..."
It's fucken everywhere and I feel as if we have nowhere to hide
When I spoke to my aunt, she said that she preferred to die this way - that getting hit by a car would just be too messy - this way she was hoping she would go in her sleep, at least peacefully.
I am so numb right now.
my mom is in shock and my 85 year old grandmother a basket case - she's too old and too weak to take a 4+hour flight to calgary. Imagine the feeling of knowing that your youngest daughter is about to die and you can't even be by her side when she goes.
Life...
Life?
Life followed by three ellipses that don't always mean "forever and ever".
I can't help but think what a mess it will be when we go down there for the funeral, and how I'll have to pick up the pieces of my mom when we get back, not to mention how I will deal with it. We will deal with it the best that we can, but it's draining all the energy out of me as I try to silence the manic demons that compel me to throw all caution to the wind and skip town, fly to Greece and start a new life as an English teacher, learning to love seafood and ouzo just to get away from all this pain in this what has become for me, a city of pain and sadness. No wonder that when I come back from NYC, I fall into a depression for weeks on end.
And the mouse on the wheel is running furiously from the demons around the corner - the cancer that may or may not one day, effect me directly as well. Despite deep breathing exercises and long yogic stretches, panic has become a part of my unconscious daily ritual as waking up to pee at 4am.
I'm hiding. I know I should come out to play - see other people and embrace the warmth and support that you all can give, but there is a fear there too, and I can't figure out why that is...
Perhaps it's just a fear - of everything right now. I'm even afraid of myself.
So please don't think that I am hiding because I'm stubborn or I don't want to see you, I'm just in a really dark corner of my mind right now.
Perhaps I feel that If I open the floodgates, I might just lose control - and all the puss of sadness and fear after dealing with my mom's cancer will suffocate me while on its way out.
My tear ducts are getting heavy - packing their suitcases of saltwater to take with me to Calgary and back.
why?
why
I don't think we'll ever know the answer, and perhaps that may be one of the reasons I fear life.
who the fuck knows.
I'm weeping now and everything disappears into a dark tunnel of need.
Fucken hell.
Sorry about this. I had to rant, but to begin to let this out a little at a time - through the only way that has served me well over the past 3 years - letting my fingers get lost in the motion of automatically channeling this deep confusion and sadness into a cushioned sentence where exclamation and question marks can't touch me.
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