further delays

and so, as it stands now, mom's surgery is delayed again another day - if not another week.

After a good night's sleep, she went back into the hospital today only to find out that the surgeons had overbooked, and they could not fit her in. She's now lying in a hospital room, with no word whether or not they will send her home again tomorrow, or operate.

People in the u.s talk about how great our Medicare system is - well, it's crap. People with cancer are waiting for surgeries and I have known some that have actually died waiting.

it's pathetic - and my mom is now part of the statistics.

I can't help but think that as each day passes, the cancer is eating away at more and more of her healthy cells.

but I can't think like that - for her sake, for my sake...

speaking of waiting - I waited 3 hours to see a doctor today at a downtown clinic. Apparently, this has become 'normal' over the past year.

I had only slept 3 hours, if that, because I was up all night coughing and wheezing. Turns out that I have a nasty case of bronchitis, and possible touch of pneumonia.

Just what we needed.

And my mother's best friend - the other guardian angel who has been driving her around when the other angel E is at work busy with other things, is sick.

Again, I can't help but think that if something happens to my mother - she gets sick, it's because I exposed her to this virus.

but that's a lot for one person to shoulder - all this blame, so I'm giving myself a break. I need to, because if I don't I will break - into a million little pieces without a tube of glue in sight.



and so, tomorrow, another day, we hope and pray that it will be a better one than today.


oh yea, I've postponed my trip to new york. There was no way I could leave my mother in her condition. And besides, I think it was only fitting that in celebration of the 40th year she brought me into the world, I would take care of her when she needed it most.

I can't think of a better birthday present - this gift of an opportunity to do this for her.

and it all was well in the end with some bar-b-q chicken

the surgery was delayed...

she spent a night in hotel hospital hell and waited all day with a catheter in her arm to find out that because of the nursing shortage and clogged operating rooms, the two surgeons could not orchestrate a joint time to work one after another, which they had planned.

Doctor 1 (lung guy) came by to see us this afternoon - guilt heavy eyes and apologies. He will do the more invasive procedure which will take more time but will be able to see if more of the cancer has spread rather than the proposed 1st surgical plan. He is flexible in his time so it might be as soon as tomorrow night.

Doctor 2 (lymph node guy) is booked and doesn't have a flexible schedule. He can do the surgery on thursday night - but to get the two guys together would mean at least another week delay - and when cancer is on the agenda, time is of the essence.

So she's back in again at 4pm.
Going under twice - but as the doctor said: "it's an urban myth that if you go under more than once in a one month period, you're more likely to not come out again are high."

I hope to fucken damm straight he's right.

But I digress -he's the top of the top surgeon in the province if not the country. He had a nice smile and kind eyes - and we are going to put our trust in him.

so I will keep you posted.

The journey begins, again - at least this time, she was able to fill up on some amazing chalet bar-b-q chicken which she loves so much!

wish us luck.

Surgery

And so the waiting begins...

Mom goes into surgery tomorrow - and we are all very very nervous.

So far, we have not heard when the actual time will be, but she goes into pre-admission tonight.

It is all starting to hit her.


Everything seems so surreal now - the bitter cold wind on a sunny spring afternoon, the echoing cough deep inside my chest from a now serious case of bronchitis, the final days of my thirties quickly disappearing with each passing hour.


I'm trying to be spiritual about this - the end of an era (my thirties), bringing in my 40th with the woman who brought me into the world - caring for her after all the years she's cared for me, the operation that will remove the cancer from her body - hopefully not to return for a bunch of good years at least, and trying to remain calm and positive.

but it's not so easy

I could not sleep last night - again
The cats started their breakfast battle cry at 5:45am. Then E's alarm came on - and on again. After the 4th time he hit snooze, I told him that if he didn't shut it off or get up, both he and the clock would go flying out of the room.

As I lay sandwiched between pillows, wondering if this roller coaster ride would ever slow down, my eyes closed and deep inside of my body became motionless. A moment of peace to coast on for a few hours.

Finally

but as I sit here typing this entry, my stomach flips and rolls over inside my gut, I know that all of what happens to my mother is completely out of control, and must now trust in the skilled hands of the surgeons who will work on trying to remove the disease which has turned our lives upsidedown over the past two years.

but thinking about it - this disease has brought us closer together. We could have done without it, thank you very much, but trying to take what has come our way in a zen perspective, it is what it is - and I cherish what we have now. I only hope and pray that we can have more of the 'now's in the future.

I will keep you posted on how it all comes out.

elude me

Sleep - how you elude me


I sleep on an average of 3 hours a night - on a good night that is

mom's surgery is tuesday - pre-admission on Monday night.

We are both very terrified - but as I'm trying to be strong for her, she's trying to be strong for me

but inside I'm shaking and cowering into a corner

cancer has become my bogeyman
and will soon be staring at me with breathing tubes, i.v lines and heart/blood pressure monitors.




I am thinking I might postpone my trip to nyc - how in my right mind can I have fun when she is lying in bed, with a 'friend' to take care of her. I can't - I have to be there for her, she's gonna need me. The first week home is always the most difficult to adjust to. She will need somebody there 24/7. I can't let that fall upon the shoulders of someone else. I'm tormented, so very tormented. I know she would want me to have my special day because it is my 40'th, and said so many times, but I just don't know.

And how ironic - I'll be spending my 40th birthday with a woman who gave birth to me 40 years ago.

I guess it really all does come full circle...


**
it was odd - yesterday, I put up a photo that I've had hidden for ages. One of my earliest self-portraits. It's a kick ass pic, and I needed to be inspired and reminded about how passionate I was about photography, so I found a place on my wall for it.

I came home after work and it was the first thing I saw when I put up my coat.
"damm I like that picture!"

Went into the kitchen to feed the cats and that's when I heard a loud crash with glass breaking.

I ran to the front - and there on the floor lay my picture - still intact with the mat, but actually framed by shattered glass.

What a powerful gaze

I thought of the exorcist - when Linda Blair looks at the priest and flings him across the room with her mind.

or was it just a freaky coincidence...?

that's me - trying to find meaning in the mundane

Flickr turns 4 Poster

Flickr turns 4 Poster
Originally uploaded by i5m

Weee!! I'm up at the top of the number 4!!!
Thanks i5m!!

inertia

inertia
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty

"There are lone figures armed only with ideas, sometimes with just one idea, who blast away whole epochs in which we are enwrapped like mummies. Some are powerful enough to resurrect the dead. Some steal on us unawares and put a spell over us which it takes centuries to throw off. Some put a curse on us, for our stupidity and inertia, and then it seems as if God himself were unable to lift it."

Henry Miller


I have been bed ridden since Sunday - a stomach flu like I have never experienced. It was horrible. Only today am I feeling a little better, but still feel as if I am in a deep deep haze of confusion and exhaustion.

My mother's surgery seems more complicated than was originally thought, and are worried about her recovery. It could be as soon as next week, or in a month. We wait to hear word from the doctors. Preparations must be made for her convalescence and lengthy recovery. She had just started to get back into the swing of things at work and her life and hesitates about taking this next leap.

Weak and worried, we both now find ourselves in a state of inertia.