elude me

Sleep - how you elude me


I sleep on an average of 3 hours a night - on a good night that is

mom's surgery is tuesday - pre-admission on Monday night.

We are both very terrified - but as I'm trying to be strong for her, she's trying to be strong for me

but inside I'm shaking and cowering into a corner

cancer has become my bogeyman
and will soon be staring at me with breathing tubes, i.v lines and heart/blood pressure monitors.




I am thinking I might postpone my trip to nyc - how in my right mind can I have fun when she is lying in bed, with a 'friend' to take care of her. I can't - I have to be there for her, she's gonna need me. The first week home is always the most difficult to adjust to. She will need somebody there 24/7. I can't let that fall upon the shoulders of someone else. I'm tormented, so very tormented. I know she would want me to have my special day because it is my 40'th, and said so many times, but I just don't know.

And how ironic - I'll be spending my 40th birthday with a woman who gave birth to me 40 years ago.

I guess it really all does come full circle...


**
it was odd - yesterday, I put up a photo that I've had hidden for ages. One of my earliest self-portraits. It's a kick ass pic, and I needed to be inspired and reminded about how passionate I was about photography, so I found a place on my wall for it.

I came home after work and it was the first thing I saw when I put up my coat.
"damm I like that picture!"

Went into the kitchen to feed the cats and that's when I heard a loud crash with glass breaking.

I ran to the front - and there on the floor lay my picture - still intact with the mat, but actually framed by shattered glass.

What a powerful gaze

I thought of the exorcist - when Linda Blair looks at the priest and flings him across the room with her mind.

or was it just a freaky coincidence...?

that's me - trying to find meaning in the mundane