I like to make it my personal policy to be honest with people - honest with my photography, honest with myself.
it seems that the past few months have taken more of a toll on me than I had expected or hoped. I find myself slipping into a darker abyss that is deeper than I had first imagined.
Since I had increased my mood stabilizers (in January - to help me cope with my mother's cancer returning) I have been gradually losing my eyesight. It started out with small transparent floaters (little clear spots, thread like lines) which have now become so bad that I can barely see clearly.
Imagine looking through a bug splattered windshield in the rain - that is what I see on a daily basis, and it's only getting worse.
My options so far are - get off the mood stabilizers and run the risk of falling into a deeper depression/severe manic episodes, or have my eyesight slowly degenerate and keep an even keel to my life.
It's ironic - just when things were starting to smooth out for me, life was begining to get somewhat balanced, I was slowly finding peace and happiness, I have to now decide: which vision will I chose to live without - a photographic one, or a one of a stable life/mood.
After seeing my ophthalmologist (who was puzzled by the condition), I'm going to see a retina specialist on Thursday who will then decide what the next step will be, but from what I've been told, this condition is irreversible, and if not taken care of, could progress into severe retinal toxicity which could eventually lead to blindness...
A photographer who slowly goes blind - oh the irony...
It's been a week since my incremental decrease in Lamictal - and I'm already feeling it.
Find myself weeping uncontrollably, the rage is begining to sir deep inside my belly. Unprovoked, I fall to pieces and shake uncontrollably at increasing intervals. And this despite the fact that I have been ever so diligent about going to the gym at least 3 up to 4 times a week
"Depression and anxiety - Exercises eases symptoms"
It's been a month and things are just getting worse - how can it be? It seems if I had been doing everything right?
Except decrease my mood stabilizers in the hopes of saving my eyesight.
But what do I do?
Trade apples for oranges?
I'm at such a loss - so confused.
and today, mom told me how scared she is that her next doctor's appointment will be the one with the fatal diagnosis - because if the cancer comes back, there is nothing they can do except remove more organs, more tissue, until it has taken up so much of her body, all she can do is succumb to the disease...
Now, I must give my eyes and mind a rest and hope that tomorrow will be brighter and clearer...
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