i am woman, hear me roar...

this year has been a difficult one

kicked out of my apartment, wrestling with personal physical and spiritual demons...

for a long time, i feared that I had lost my way, strength, purpose, but that has all changed since we moved into our new home.

and indeed, it is a home that is surrounded by green everywhere. I wake up to the birds chirping, i fall asleep to the sound of only the wind in the trees.
Finally, i can hear myself think, talk down those demons in my head who mock and threaten me; calm the restless agitated soul and terrified wandering subconscious.

I have physically moved into a new space, and i feel myself moving into a new emotional/psychological space as well.

it's as if somebody has pressed the "reset" button and I am having a chance to revisit, relive and reform my so called life.


I had realized that trying to re-invent my own wheel while trying to stay in a home/situation/relationships that were toxic to me was only going to lead to failure and eventual disapointment.

The universe gave me the kick in the ass and keys to the new home i needed to find myself again.



As i sit here in my new office, surrounded by my ridiculously huge art photography book collection, staring into my shelves of cinema studies and then glance over to my acting/drama section, i have finally realized that I have all the strength inside of me to become the apothecary of my own artistic success.

A little dash of cinema, a pinch of acting, and a smidgen of photography to create a whole new direction in my life.


With each passing disruption, disappointment, discordance, i stand defiant and say: "Go ahead, try to bully me. I'm not afraid of you anymore..."

I am woman, hear me roar...

disappear

Separation penetrates the disappearing person like a pigment and steeps him in gentle radiance

I'm very sad to be forced out of my home...

10 years of memories: days and nights lived, awake, asleep.
Tears and laughter released from my eyes, my mouth

I find myself paralyzed with fear. This unwanted separation from my comfort zone during a time in my life when what I truly needed was peace;  a desperate need to feel grounded on the foundations that I stood upon.

Through wishful and forceful thinking, my ineffective rationalization through this chaos: 

perhaps this is a shedding of old skin. A decade of physical and psychological debris that has been gathering around and inside of me, needed so desperately to be purged.

Nature and the universe shook me by the shoulders and slapped me hard.

Sloughing off, re-emerging new.

repetition does not make it more believable

repetition does not take away the pain

repetition does not

repetition does

This self portrait was taken during a period in my life when I believed my future held endless possibilities. 

And that stepping out of the present, into the unknown was a necessary rite of passage towards growth.

Separation penetrates the dissapearing person like a pigment and steeps him in genltle radiance

let the separation from the past and the present pigment of experience fill me with light, wisdom and courage to move forward into the unknown once again...

image © Kathy Slamen Photography  2010

Not Yet Home

Not yet home...

Saw a place, loved it, but was aprehensive at first.

The fear was a of fear of change.

Went back to see it.

Fell in love all over again.

Took 24 hours to be sure.

24 hours later, the landlord turned into a monster.

Took back his offer.

Now back to square one.

We don’t have a new place to live anymore.

Exhaustion beyond belief.

All faith stripped away.

Left a little part of our soul behind - 

residual shells - the worn ghosts of hope.

Need time to rest. Need time to get lost.

Need time to forget that we're

 not home yet...