Sitting with it for a while...

I just had a fantastic session with my CBT therapist.

She came over to my house to sit with me during my re-examination of this Not Yet Home project; a project i have been avoiding for what seems like an eternity. We sat at my desk, at the computer, staring into the 1000 + photo abyss of images I had collected during the difficult apartment hunt last year, gauging my feelings, putting a percentage on these feelings of anxiety, fear, hope.

So many emotions inside - put it all in a blender on liquify = me right now. 

i’m trying to shift perspective and re-frame, realizing that this is not as horrible as it seems, reminding myself that in the end, everything did eventually work out. Even better than I thought it would and could.

And this too, shall work out in its own way. This project will unfold, take its purposeful path and come to an end. I will look back in retrospect, find confidence in my ability to push through the uncomfortable, the uncertain, turn a negative into a positive. Begin a journey, take the unknown road, then feel satisfied that not only have I reached my final destination unscathed, but am now filled with self awareness and renewed courage.

Nobody will die. 

No blood will be shed.

The world will not end.

And just like this apartment I now sit in, I will find myself a year from now, in a happier place, more comfortable in my surroundings, and able to look back on a situation that caused me an undo amount of stress, and know that i came through - completely.

Sometimes sitting with uncomfortable feelings is as important as sitting with the comfortable ones - detaching, observing, analyzing, realizing and letting go.

Just like the waves on the beach, follow the ebb and flow.

Breathing: catch and release.

A very necessary thing to do.

i am woman, hear me roar...

this year has been a difficult one

kicked out of my apartment, wrestling with personal physical and spiritual demons...

for a long time, i feared that I had lost my way, strength, purpose, but that has all changed since we moved into our new home.

and indeed, it is a home that is surrounded by green everywhere. I wake up to the birds chirping, i fall asleep to the sound of only the wind in the trees.
Finally, i can hear myself think, talk down those demons in my head who mock and threaten me; calm the restless agitated soul and terrified wandering subconscious.

I have physically moved into a new space, and i feel myself moving into a new emotional/psychological space as well.

it's as if somebody has pressed the "reset" button and I am having a chance to revisit, relive and reform my so called life.


I had realized that trying to re-invent my own wheel while trying to stay in a home/situation/relationships that were toxic to me was only going to lead to failure and eventual disapointment.

The universe gave me the kick in the ass and keys to the new home i needed to find myself again.



As i sit here in my new office, surrounded by my ridiculously huge art photography book collection, staring into my shelves of cinema studies and then glance over to my acting/drama section, i have finally realized that I have all the strength inside of me to become the apothecary of my own artistic success.

A little dash of cinema, a pinch of acting, and a smidgen of photography to create a whole new direction in my life.


With each passing disruption, disappointment, discordance, i stand defiant and say: "Go ahead, try to bully me. I'm not afraid of you anymore..."

I am woman, hear me roar...

Faith beyond a reasonable doubt

Faith beyond a reasonable doubt No matter how difficult the journey, how excruciating the cancer treatment was, no matter how many doctors said she would not be strong enough to survive, or no matter how infinitesimally small her odds of survival were, she kept on.
Her faith carried her through, and today, once again we made our pilgrimage/visit to St.Joseph's oratory, and to the tomb of the newly canonized St. Brother Andre. It is said that he preformed many miracles when he was alive, but we firmly believe that he preformed one from beyond.
Almost 2 years and mom is cancer free. Amen to that.

the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

this is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

a phenomenal time to be living in the digital age, but at the same time, a scary time for any photographer who grew up, learned and broke into the scene using a film camera.

and I'm proud to be guilty of being such a person.

For many "old school" photographers, the ease and practicality of digital photography casts a dark cloud over many who have recently taken up "the camera", and decided to call themselves "professional photographers' with little or no training.
The web is bedlamized with these people and their sites. Their claim to fame and ruthless bid for your attention.

The market is now over saturated, but perhaps in that plethora of 'Wanna Be Richard Avedons' the true gems really shine.

Those artists who truly have a vision, a unique way of viewing the world around them, these are the people who can take a square metal box, some photo sensitive plastic and turn that into pure magic.


Thank you to a wonderful fellow photographer who knows what real film is all about for reminding what it's all about and why i can't live without my box of plastic and metal...

Not Yet Home

Not yet home...

Saw a place, loved it, but was aprehensive at first.

The fear was a of fear of change.

Went back to see it.

Fell in love all over again.

Took 24 hours to be sure.

24 hours later, the landlord turned into a monster.

Took back his offer.

Now back to square one.

We don’t have a new place to live anymore.

Exhaustion beyond belief.

All faith stripped away.

Left a little part of our soul behind - 

residual shells - the worn ghosts of hope.

Need time to rest. Need time to get lost.

Need time to forget that we're

 not home yet...

shine like you are

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others .
(Timo Cruz)