Sitting with it for a while...

I just had a fantastic session with my CBT therapist.

She came over to my house to sit with me during my re-examination of this Not Yet Home project; a project i have been avoiding for what seems like an eternity. We sat at my desk, at the computer, staring into the 1000 + photo abyss of images I had collected during the difficult apartment hunt last year, gauging my feelings, putting a percentage on these feelings of anxiety, fear, hope.

So many emotions inside - put it all in a blender on liquify = me right now. 

i’m trying to shift perspective and re-frame, realizing that this is not as horrible as it seems, reminding myself that in the end, everything did eventually work out. Even better than I thought it would and could.

And this too, shall work out in its own way. This project will unfold, take its purposeful path and come to an end. I will look back in retrospect, find confidence in my ability to push through the uncomfortable, the uncertain, turn a negative into a positive. Begin a journey, take the unknown road, then feel satisfied that not only have I reached my final destination unscathed, but am now filled with self awareness and renewed courage.

Nobody will die. 

No blood will be shed.

The world will not end.

And just like this apartment I now sit in, I will find myself a year from now, in a happier place, more comfortable in my surroundings, and able to look back on a situation that caused me an undo amount of stress, and know that i came through - completely.

Sometimes sitting with uncomfortable feelings is as important as sitting with the comfortable ones - detaching, observing, analyzing, realizing and letting go.

Just like the waves on the beach, follow the ebb and flow.

Breathing: catch and release.

A very necessary thing to do.

a letter to a friend about a dream I had...

This dream, it started off weird. I was in the ocean - my mom was warning me about going out too far - that I would surely drown, but i went farther anyway.

The sea was turquoise. Tropical blue. Cuba blue I call it. I was so buoyant, the buoyancy became almost a meditative state. I floated past a hanging tomato plant (saw one on tv the night before...) in the middle of nowhere. The vines were filled with these beautiful succulent tomatoes. Next to it floated a man - who told me I could eat one. (garden of eden perhaps??) and i did. It was not as sweet as I had hoped, but more meaty. He said something that I wish I could have remembered because it seemed to be some sort of life lesson thingy, but he did give me a blessing to go across the ocean.

And so I did. 

Looking into the horizon, it soon began to morph into a cityscape, and at the foot of that cityscape, a beach with people bathing, enjoying the heat. I swam faster in anticipation. The depths were varying in degrees. Spots that should have been at least 100 feet, were only 2, and others vice versa. I could not make sense of the discrepancies, but was not scared anymore. Regardless of depth, the other side was visible. There was no longer an "ocean between us"...

I walked onto the beach - literally, another sea of people. Side by side, back to back. A sandy metropolis of chairs, oiled bodies and chatter. The sidewalk seemed so close, the skyscrapers leaning over the people. I walked to the bustling streets, looking for a phone.

I was carrying something, i don't remember what, but it was perishable and needed to be protected from the elements. I asked a street vendor to hold it for me, but refused. After that, it quickly became night so I entered a coffee shop/pastry boutique, white haired ladies buzzed behind the counter. 

I leaned over and spoke in french to a sweet old woman who was also from my city and took pity on my situation, and gladly said she would hold onto my "package" until I came back from my meeting with you. I was releived. 

I walked outside - and it seemed to be a mix of what i imagined LA to be (from what i see on tv LOL) and new york. Metropolitan hustle and bustle. I walked to a pay phone and become despondent that I had forgotten your number at home and began to panic.

Reaching to pick up the telephone book, i saw a photo of you - smiling, and holding your camera, looking up to a tall building. It was on the bottom part of a phone - sometimes a space used for giving useful information on emergency numbers, how to dial international numbers etc. I could not believe it! What were the chances!! I called the operator, explained my situation to her and told her who you were (and that you were on the phone box) and she immediately connected me to you, and as if by magic, you appeared!!

Oh we were so happy to see each-other! We jumped and hugged like two 50's school girls who had just scored tickets to see the Beatles. "we have so much to catch up on - so much to do!!" you said, as you led me by the hand into the heart of the city. I looked behind me and saw the ocean again - both sides of it - the new and old shore, both there, open, waiting for me to return, wishing me well on my new journey...




Oh my dear friend. I know that we have more journeys to take together, so many lessons to learn and teach each other and so many photographs to take.  it's all a beginning, and perhaps is something that will never end. Some people I have met in my life I know I will meet again - soul travelers i call them. Please stay well. I know that life is difficult for you now, filled with melancholy and uncertainty, as is mine too, but as long as we can see both sides of the shore, we know that floating in the middle of the ocean is never a finite thing :-)