I had a horrible day at work.
Found out that I'm saddled with this debt and it's a catch 22, and am terrified that I'm going to end up a bag lady at 55, without any money, or family.
This is not a stretch of the imagination.
This is reality.
And the thought that I might just have to leave my dream of being a photographer behind as an unfulfilled one is real as well.
And tonight, something is dying inside - my hope, my beleif in little miracles, and trust in myself.
I called my mom (because mom's are supposed to be there to help in times like this, but I got a kick in the face - and still bruised from another delightful doomsday seeker at work:
"you know, things in life never change. You just have to accept it. You will be alone and broke, and then you will die while others retire in peace and happiness.
Reminds me when I used to work at the Neuro - my Nazi Boss - M. Arts "Things are only gonna get worse!!" That was all he said, all the time. It was the seed of brain cancer that has now grown into my whole body.
I just needed some mom's tlc.
But I didn't get any.
Thank God for my man. He seems to be the only one who understands me now.
I wrote this to my mother, teary and heavy.
Mom.
I am so upset now, you have no idea.
I'm sorry I just hung up on you, but the pain was just so deep.
I know you can't be superwoman all the time, but I was hoping that you heard it in my voice that I needed some comfort, encouragement when I was really feeling like giving it all up.
And you know and have seen me slipping into this up and down roller-coaster: one day up, next day crashing into the ground - the monster I call manic depression, and decreasing these meds makes me even more vulnerable to sadness and pessimism, an open wound in a wind storm.
even one grain of sand can cause an enormous amount of pain out of proportion to the cause of that pain.
Dixie Daredevil says:
It is a wonderful photo ...everyone has said many of the things I am feeling. I miss you, Kat. As you are feeling drawn to Flickr again, I am feeling less inclined to be here these days. I hope we have some overlapping time. You're wonderful...
jenny -- says:
there is something so touching about your photography and your words... I'm looking forward to seeing you here again! :*
And these are comments from people who have seen my images on flickr - that photo sharing place.
These are complete strangers.
I needed to hear that from them, but tonight, I really needed to hear that from you...
I don't know what to say.
I'm going to take a sleeping pill and hope that my horrible day won't wear off into nightmares...
4 comments:
thx fer yer comment on my Blog*
it's not like Flickr where we get comments n stuff so i really appreciate it knowing someone is out there!!
;)) xoxo
i'm gonna link U right now!!
i just read yer note - yeah it's sometimes tuff gettin parents & folks to understand what the heck yer up to in life*
i don't even wanna think about it*
lost cause*
yer not alone thass fer damn sure*
Hey Kitty,
I know things have been tough for you lately. Your previous post about the students loan situation here was very spot on about how things like money can really drag someone down and that everything seems to contribute to that, we have a fucked up government to be sure. And it can be really tough when people you hope you can count on are just not there when you really just need an emphatic ear. I hope the steps you are taking towards adjusting your medication helps a little and that things will get better for you soon. I know my words are pale comfort but I feel for you and really want things to get better for you. You deserve a break.
don't know what to say, K. normally it wouldn't be such a big deal, but at times when you feel extra vulnerable... ouch
i feel your pain *hugs*
Post a Comment