In a taxi on my way home, I met with a wise man...

You know, even if I tried to make my life less complex, I don`t think it would be at all possible. My life is a Sienfeld episode - period. It goes from varying degrees of Kramer-ness, Elaineisims, Jerry-itis and George-a-tosis, but there are just some days that I have to shake my head, throw my hands up in the air and say `What the F*%k was that all about?`.

Tonight was one of those nights, and it was freakywildamazingcrazyeyeopeninglifechanging moments that I thank God I am alive and open minded enough to experience such a blessing.

I would have to spend the next two hours decompressing from the wealth of information that is now packed into my folds of grey matter, and because I am going only on fumes now (Had another AMAZING night at the club tonight - it`s almost 4am and I am bagged dead tired) but this is something I have to write down becasue I know that as soon as I lay my head on the pillow, it will evaporate like unattended pot of boiling water on a stove.

So - where to begin...

I will talk about this cab driver. The moments and the insanity-crazy-wonderful energy that permeated the club tonight will be possible to recount via the almost 320 photos that I took tonight.

yep - 320.

But about the cab driver...

Sometimes, when you really want something, but least expect that its gonna happen during your lifetime, it does. Just like that. Poof!! It`s there, staring you in the face, grinning like aCheshire cat saying I told you so. You asked, and here I am!!

I was not a firm believer of that - power of positive thinking school of thought. If the power of + thinking were that successful, everybody I know would be in a better place financially, physcialluy and emotionally than they are at now.

HOGWASH!!
I said...

Past tense

Over the past month, I have been in a funky kind of therapy called Cognitive behavioral therapy. And let me tell you, it kicks some serious pessimistic ass! The premise is simple - change your thoughts, change your mood = change your life. It sounds ridiculously simple, but it works. I am in the process of being living proof.

Not too long ago, I read a book by Wayne Dyer called the power of intention which basically says - if you believe in what you want, you can make it happen and make it your reality...

there`s no place like home, there`s no place like home.

And sometimes, it`s as easy as clicking the heels of your ruby slippers together a few times
the magic of believing...

I have tried so hard and am still in the process of changing my thinking patters (I have toyed with the idea of writing another blog called - My See Bee tea (a punny phonetic play on words) but i think if I had one more blog or thing to do, I would not have any time to breathe, so I will dump bits and peices of my personal discoveries here...

CBT = change your negative self defeating thought processes. Dispute them, contest them, put them through the ringer - imagine asking yourself the question - what is the worst thing that can happen. Nine times out of ten, you won`t die or lose your limb if the worst case scenario takes place. We just think it will happen that way.

So I have been trying to make myself believe in my abilities as a writer, a photographer, and someone who is actually quite multi-talented and to stop putting up my own roadblocks to success.

Why do I fear success?
I am afraid of failure.
I think we all are to some degree.

Well, this taxi driver tonight just put the whole thing into perspective.
Complete perspective.

I was at the club and it was just amazing how people were responsive to me - hugging me after they saw the result of a great photo I snapped of them, people coming up to me, asking me if I could take their photos as they danced and posed while whooping it up. It was like I was a 10000 watt bulb and I was in the middle of a moth Woodstock weekend. I guess I was glowing, being really happy at what I was doing, and the chain reaction perpetuated another action and so on. I almost did`tn want to leave cause I was having such a blast.

I spoke with the owner - who is IN LOVE with my photos (he can`t tell me enough times a day how much he freaks over them) and tonight said that he told his girlfriend - I found the photographer for the wedding, even though it`s three years away, I know I have to book her now...

I just stood there, stunned with a stupid exhausted grin on my face.

Wow

I went outside and ran into one of the security guards who had a good time chatting with me the night before as she had to do a routine check of my bag. so you are a photographer? Do you do headshots for actors? I am in need of new ones...

And before I left the house today (forgot about that one), I got a call from the organizer of the nude and erotic art festival I was a part of in April and he wanted to know if he could use one of my images for the poster of his next event - a bodypainting competition.

I was stunned.
All in one day - because I put myself out there and believed in my work and how important it is for me to share it with others.

Wow

So the taxi ride home -
This guy - Edwin, was brilliant. Turns out he did his masters and was working on a PHD in philosophy (hello - hats off to anybody who can wrap their head around that stuff!) and could not find a job so he is doing some taxi driving to pay the bills. In brief - these are some of the things he said - There is a difference between thinking , living and believing - we only live one of the two, rarely all three, but the most important is the belief that we can live what we think and believe we could be.

Imagination is God`s workshop.

When you have negative thoughts in your life, during the day, these thoughts are like blood clots in your system. Your heart is the seat of your soul - like a sprinkler nourishing the other parts of your body. When the clot stops your energy from flowing to your heart, the whole system breaks down, the sprinkler stops and everything goes into a shutdown mode. Keep free from those negative thoughts - detach yourself from them, they are only thoughts, and you have control over what you make important in your life - these thoughts are fleeting only if you let them become fleeing. If you give them unnecessary weight and importance, they will become clots and shut down the whole system. You have the power of your mind to focus on what is important and what is real in the here and now.

If you believe, you can make it happen. You start thinking about negative things, of the things you don`t have - I don`t have a job, I don`t have any money, I don`t have this and that - well, if you believe that, you will have what you believe becasue you make that your current reality. If you focus on the good, on what you want, visualize it so that it`s palpable, continue to believe in it, you will get it because your center of need and desire is the power within yourself. Only you stop yourself from becoming what you really want to be. When we go against what other people`s and society`s definition of who we should be, we feel guilty, and guilt is a poison , it is the material of the blood clot. It is unhealthy. As long as you are true to yourself, and you know that what you want is not taking away from or causing harm to anybody else, then the obstacles are of your own making and can be removed by you alone.

There were other things he said - about goodness, detachment from anger and frustration, loving and letting go of hatred and expectations that were all so beautiful. I wish I had enough sense to take notes, but I was completely mesmerized and clung to his every word.

I was sitting in a taxi cab, on a Friday night, 3:30am with a Haitian Buddha
and it was truly a mystical experience.

Ah! You are a photographer! I would love to get some photos of myself, with a nice house, happy and content becasue I will put those in my apartment and look at them every day. That will remind me that all I want is within my reach. I will remind myself that the only thing that stands between me and what I desire is my own self-doubt and worry. If you believe it, you will have it.

If you build it, they will come.

Somehow, that line from Field of Dreams does not seem that far fetched anymore.

So as I close this, yet another lengthy diatribe monologue to myself, or perhaps to my fellow bloggers out there, or maybe even somebody who happened to stumble onto my site here, do yourself a favor. Write down your intention. Take a photo of yourself happy and where you really want to be. Print it out, post it on your wall and look at it every day - say This is me and I have it already - it is within my reach and mine to keep. Now, I believe that something magical may just happen...

I might just take that photo of me before I hit the mattress , but then again, I want to look at least half rested and glowing when I imagine myself sharing my books, movies and photography with the world...

:-D


And as I do the final spell check on this document, I have to laugh out loud.

You know what word I am having the hardest time with - spelling it wrong all the time?

You guessed it

believe

I think i should write it 100 times on a paper so I can memorize it...