2mrw is only a day away...

2mrw I go with my mom to the oncologist.
We will find out if the biopsy of her lymph nodes is positive or negative.

If positive - chemo for up to a year. Surgery to remove the rest of the lymph nodes too.

if negative - chemo only for a month, and of course, follow up treatments to make sure the cancer has not spread...

The words of the surgeon echo in my head...
yes, she's curable, but according to this scale (pulling out that fucken sliding scale) - with the depth and size of the tumour, she has 3 to 5 years at best... BUT every case is different, I'm just telling you what we are working with...

I think it's gonna be fucken weird - if the stuff comes back positive, and they give my mother this time line death sentence/best worst case scenario. I think we are all gonna flip.

I am getting more and more tired.
I am putting on weight - so much. Can't stop eating - it's disgusting. And i feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a depression. It's not so easy to pull myself up by my bootstraps anymore. This depression is deeper than not getting my way in the trivialities of life, it's more of a period of existential angst.

On the purely surface and self centered level, I ask: I'm, approaching 40 and what have I got to show for it? Who is going to take care of me when I'm old and grey? But on a deeper level, looking into myself I wonder: Is there any reason for suffering? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? And the choices I make now in my life - is there a need for them to be based in a spiritual beleif system that would hopefully and according to the scriptures) save my soul when I die? Is this all just meaningless? Is there any point in suffering, and if there is, why would any God want to make us suffer - some more than others...


We celebrated my grandmother's 85th today. She was adorable. I bought her some blush, lipstick, an eyebrow pencil and a powder compact. She was thrilled: how did you know I wanted a compact like this!?

I helped her put on her makeup.
She was so pleased.

My mom got her some jewelry. We all sat together laughing and having souvlaki - her favourite food.

We went downstairs to bring her 50 plus flower arrangements to her room. She sat in her wheelchair, hunched, and tired. My mother went to hug her. My grandmother then turned to me: you take care of your mother K - she spent all her life taking care of us, you take care of her like she is taking care of me.

I nodded and smiled, gave her a hug and gave my mom a hug as E and I got ready to leave. I held my mom's hand and she looked at me: I am so afraid about 2mrw.
I looked at her and smiled: it'll be okay, you'll see.

I said goodbye and then walked down the hall and saw all the old people, slumped in their chairs, shuffling along in their walkers and felt sad, so very sad.

I am afraid, so very afraid.

I barely have enough strength to pull myself out of this thick black fog? How am I going to be able to be strong for them?

Do I have to fake my confidence ?


What do you do when you feel yourself spinning and sinking into a ditch that once pulled you down into the jaws of madness - a too close for comfort memory that is now hanging over my shoulder...

I cry every night, during the day when nobody is around, whenever my mind begins to rest - the moments in between rotations of the wheels in my mind.


The visuals, clear as day, the sounds - a voice to familiar and too painful to remember have become tar attached to the memory of the last words in my film...

"this depression, it grabs you, it suffocates you. I have no strength to go on. I am lost, I am afraid..."

I am so fucken scared. I feel that this is all going too fast.
Completely overwhelmed and feel so utterly alone.
I pray, but i don't know if I should bother.

I am lost.
I am afraid...