I just spent the last half hour blubbering my lungs out about my fear of losing my mom, how I feel pretty shitty that I can't really do anything to change the diagnosis, listing the types of people who have come forward to help/lend a shoulder to cry on - and I press one renegade key - and everything disappeared!
I guess that says a lot about my state of mind/heart right now.
I tend to put all my eggs in one basket - run headlong into something without checking if the breaks work and then when it's too late - crash.
I am still reeling from all of this - and am a little disturbed as to whom I can really confide in about this - my struggle, fears, sadness.
There are some friends I have, but they have their own lives and problems, but it stings nonetheless when you reach for someone and they yank their hand away because they are too going through some imbalance.
I feel that no matter where you turn - you're fucked.
Sure, I can get all Zen on your ass - about going with the flow, Ophra-izing all of this tragedy into "stages of learning" and working past the pain, but who am I kidding.
When you need someone to listen - when you hope that somebody will be there to help and they retract into their own thing, it bites.
Is this selfish? Is this being self-centered? Being self-absorbed?
I don't know what the fuck it is, but it is getting me really down.
Confused.
I don't want answers, I just want a hint.
Just one fucken hint...
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Melancholy's greek roots are black and bile...
I got a call from my bro E.
He just called to check up to see how I was doing.
He is my bro - but I have two sisters - one from high school (she adopted me into her family of four brothers and 4 sisters), and the other one from a snowy scandanavian country who has been both mentor and mentee during our friendship. A nice family - considering that I don't have any biological brothers or sisters...
The last time we spoke on the phone was just after our little trip to NYC - It was Thelma and Louise and Carrie Bradshaw. E, Pet and myself on the road on the I-98, singing and laughing all the way. It was the shortest 36 hours I have spent - it flew by in a blink of an eye, but each minute was super charged with fun and memories that will last me a lifeitme.
He called to say hi - to see how I was doing after the whole thing with my mom - now that she was home, after the operation, how I was holding up, how we were feeling. It was nice to know that people care - that some people are not afraid of getting involved in other people's lives becasue things can get too sticky. I am so very happy I have my friends - my bro and sisters. Without them, I don't think I would be riding out this storm so well, so gracefully.
Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?
I don't know.
it all seems so surreal...
melan- + cholE (greek origins - black and biles)
Why does being melancholy have such a bleek gramatical historical root?
When I feel melancholy, I don't experience any sickness or upset. It's actually the opposite - I get a warm, mushy - sitting in the sun - warm all over feeling. Sitting with my mother tonight, I remember when we took our roadtrip to Boston - Cape Cod years ago. Sure, we fought. What mother and teenage daughter don't fight; but there were good times. I felt melancholy about that summer, those times we spent together. I wonder what our next trip will be, and if we are doomed to have our last too soon...
Memories - melancholy - a slice of temporal cheese cake that is nice to indulge in, but done too often, can easily cause heartburn and sometimes, even heartache.
Black bile...
I wonder what the origin of melancholy would have been if the ancient greeks had discovered Tums or Rolaids...
He just called to check up to see how I was doing.
He is my bro - but I have two sisters - one from high school (she adopted me into her family of four brothers and 4 sisters), and the other one from a snowy scandanavian country who has been both mentor and mentee during our friendship. A nice family - considering that I don't have any biological brothers or sisters...
The last time we spoke on the phone was just after our little trip to NYC - It was Thelma and Louise and Carrie Bradshaw. E, Pet and myself on the road on the I-98, singing and laughing all the way. It was the shortest 36 hours I have spent - it flew by in a blink of an eye, but each minute was super charged with fun and memories that will last me a lifeitme.
He called to say hi - to see how I was doing after the whole thing with my mom - now that she was home, after the operation, how I was holding up, how we were feeling. It was nice to know that people care - that some people are not afraid of getting involved in other people's lives becasue things can get too sticky. I am so very happy I have my friends - my bro and sisters. Without them, I don't think I would be riding out this storm so well, so gracefully.
Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?
I don't know.
it all seems so surreal...
melan- + cholE (greek origins - black and biles)
Why does being melancholy have such a bleek gramatical historical root?
When I feel melancholy, I don't experience any sickness or upset. It's actually the opposite - I get a warm, mushy - sitting in the sun - warm all over feeling. Sitting with my mother tonight, I remember when we took our roadtrip to Boston - Cape Cod years ago. Sure, we fought. What mother and teenage daughter don't fight; but there were good times. I felt melancholy about that summer, those times we spent together. I wonder what our next trip will be, and if we are doomed to have our last too soon...
Memories - melancholy - a slice of temporal cheese cake that is nice to indulge in, but done too often, can easily cause heartburn and sometimes, even heartache.
Black bile...
I wonder what the origin of melancholy would have been if the ancient greeks had discovered Tums or Rolaids...
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Going home...
Well, she came home today. She was discharged at noon and we were there to pick her up. She was waling around, a little slower than usual, but getting around nonetheless. I know she was anxious to get out of there – lying in a room with three other sick men does not make a lady feel good…
She seems to be doing okay.
I think I am doing okay as well, but sometimes I feel as if this is all a dream, and that she does not have anything, that this was just an operation…
I am waiting for the other shoe to drop – the bad news to come screaming into my life like a heroine addict that’s gone days without a fix.
Can she be fixed?
I refuse to believe that this can kill her.
But the reality is there, isn’t it any cut and dry answers. People die from cancer all the time, but then again, there are so many people who survive! So many people are saying: “it’s all in the attitude”. I wonder what it will be like when she starts chemo, when she begins to lose her hair, when she begins to get weak and sick from the treatment – will the will to live still be there, as strong as it is now?
God knows when I was at my worst during my episodes; nothing could have made me want to sick around to see any possibilities for a cure.
I didn’t even care if I lived or died.
Everything was bleak and lifeless.
I am very afraid.
Money is another issue.
I feel as if I am constantly being tested – my friend is selling his lite kit – 700$. A steal for what it’s worth. Then there is the art festival in Seattle in March. And then, and then, and then…
The list is endless, but my time and pocket book are not.
And that freaks me out too.
And my body is in a state of revolt – I think I might have some cyst on my ovary acting up again. The right one feels like its being stoked with a really sharp pencil. I had that before – PCOS – poly –cystic –ovarian –syndrome. Sometimes these little cysts get nasty.
Sometimes they turn cancerous.
So many people have cancer – I can’t help but think that in some strange way, I might be next. Either that or turning 40 will come first – and both will send me into a complete crisis.
She seems to be doing okay.
I think I am doing okay as well, but sometimes I feel as if this is all a dream, and that she does not have anything, that this was just an operation…
I am waiting for the other shoe to drop – the bad news to come screaming into my life like a heroine addict that’s gone days without a fix.
Can she be fixed?
I refuse to believe that this can kill her.
But the reality is there, isn’t it any cut and dry answers. People die from cancer all the time, but then again, there are so many people who survive! So many people are saying: “it’s all in the attitude”. I wonder what it will be like when she starts chemo, when she begins to lose her hair, when she begins to get weak and sick from the treatment – will the will to live still be there, as strong as it is now?
God knows when I was at my worst during my episodes; nothing could have made me want to sick around to see any possibilities for a cure.
I didn’t even care if I lived or died.
Everything was bleak and lifeless.
I am very afraid.
Money is another issue.
I feel as if I am constantly being tested – my friend is selling his lite kit – 700$. A steal for what it’s worth. Then there is the art festival in Seattle in March. And then, and then, and then…
The list is endless, but my time and pocket book are not.
And that freaks me out too.
And my body is in a state of revolt – I think I might have some cyst on my ovary acting up again. The right one feels like its being stoked with a really sharp pencil. I had that before – PCOS – poly –cystic –ovarian –syndrome. Sometimes these little cysts get nasty.
Sometimes they turn cancerous.
So many people have cancer – I can’t help but think that in some strange way, I might be next. Either that or turning 40 will come first – and both will send me into a complete crisis.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Road to Nowhere
This beautiful photo echoes every feeling, mood, thought that I am going through right now.
Mom's surgery is scheduled for 2morrow. I am staying over at her house and then going to the hospital with her in the morning. My life will be on pause for a while. It's scaring me to no end. I can't even begin to imagine how scary it will be for her.
I don't even want to begin to imagine...
I am feeling like I am lost in a fog - somewhere between reality and dreams, where sounds are muffled and soft echoes of orchestra strings fade off into the distance. This all seems like a dream.
We have yet to receive a prognosis from the PET scan. We are hoping that no news is good news...
Mom's surgery is scheduled for 2morrow. I am staying over at her house and then going to the hospital with her in the morning. My life will be on pause for a while. It's scaring me to no end. I can't even begin to imagine how scary it will be for her.
I don't even want to begin to imagine...
I am feeling like I am lost in a fog - somewhere between reality and dreams, where sounds are muffled and soft echoes of orchestra strings fade off into the distance. This all seems like a dream.
We have yet to receive a prognosis from the PET scan. We are hoping that no news is good news...
Friday, January 20, 2006
Rose
This is for my mom - she is going into surgery next Tuesday and we are all waiting on pins and needles as to what the prognosis is.
Her name is RoseMarie - Rose for short...
Thank you spiritedTurtle for this beautiful shot.
Her name is RoseMarie - Rose for short...
Thank you spiritedTurtle for this beautiful shot.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Two Guys and Chick in a car...
Well, did it again!
Went to nyc on the weekend and I had a BLAST!!!
Serious fun and crazy stuff!
Went with two of my bro's - P (he played the transvestite and the Gino in my play) and E (who played Big opposite to Carrie Bradshaw) and a nice roomy rental, headed down the I-89 Friday night - a back seat filled with junk food, 6 king cans of beer, and a really expensive bottle of Elizabeth Arden Anit-Wrinkle cream*
At first, it was just supposed to be E and myself, but a last minute phone call from P added to our possé. It was like being with 1/3 of the gang from Sex and La Cité all over again! And boy, was it just like the old days - only better! We were actually on our way to New York City - 3 Montrealers going to visit Montrealer #4! (how creepy is that - we were our own Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte!!)
Charlotte - Z
Miranda - E
Samantha - P
and of course - moi as Carrie!!
Hmm, potential script idea!!
Well, carrying on with our story...
Friday Afternoon into the evening...
* That's the Elizabeth Arden incident - that will come in another post...
Went to nyc on the weekend and I had a BLAST!!!
Serious fun and crazy stuff!
Went with two of my bro's - P (he played the transvestite and the Gino in my play) and E (who played Big opposite to Carrie Bradshaw) and a nice roomy rental, headed down the I-89 Friday night - a back seat filled with junk food, 6 king cans of beer, and a really expensive bottle of Elizabeth Arden Anit-Wrinkle cream*
At first, it was just supposed to be E and myself, but a last minute phone call from P added to our possé. It was like being with 1/3 of the gang from Sex and La Cité all over again! And boy, was it just like the old days - only better! We were actually on our way to New York City - 3 Montrealers going to visit Montrealer #4! (how creepy is that - we were our own Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte!!)
Charlotte - Z
Miranda - E
Samantha - P
and of course - moi as Carrie!!
Hmm, potential script idea!!
Well, carrying on with our story...
Friday Afternoon into the evening...
* That's the Elizabeth Arden incident - that will come in another post...
Thursday, January 12, 2006
bird of life
This was taken by one of my fave photographers on Flickr - his screen name is Janesdead and his images are brilliant!! Each one has an essence of magic and brilliance that just touches me so deeply that when I see them, I just can't help but to be lifted up. He dedicated this photo to me and my mother "for hpk and family - love and hugs".
I know that my mom is really being lifted up by all the positive attention and love she is getting from everyone. Outpourings of sympathy and encouragement are just coming out of the woodwork, and I know it keeps her feeling positive, which makes me breathe easier. But it's still hard.
She is my mom, I have always counted on her for support, and to think that she might not be around to see me 'finally break into the buisness', she might not be around to see my first feature film breaks my heart to peices, but I can't think that far ahead. Like she said, one step at a time. And I hope each step she takes, God is with her the whole way.
Thank you Sheldon
You are such a beautiful soul and I thank you for coming into my and my mother's life.
ooxoxx
I know that my mom is really being lifted up by all the positive attention and love she is getting from everyone. Outpourings of sympathy and encouragement are just coming out of the woodwork, and I know it keeps her feeling positive, which makes me breathe easier. But it's still hard.
She is my mom, I have always counted on her for support, and to think that she might not be around to see me 'finally break into the buisness', she might not be around to see my first feature film breaks my heart to peices, but I can't think that far ahead. Like she said, one step at a time. And I hope each step she takes, God is with her the whole way.
Thank you Sheldon
You are such a beautiful soul and I thank you for coming into my and my mother's life.
ooxoxx
Update
So mom got a call from one of the doctors today - she is seeing the plastic surgeon 2mrw (I have to meet her at the hospital at 9am) and they will tell her what to expect. The doctor thinks that the cancer might has drained into the lymph nodes of the neck and possibly underneath her arms.
The lymphatic system is a complex system of fluid drainage and transport, and immune response and disease resistance. Fluid that is forced out of the bloodstream during normal circulation is filtered through lymph nodes to remove bacteria, abnormal cells and other matter. This fluid is then transported back into the bloodstream via the lymph vessels. Lymph only moves in one direction, toward the heart. Common areas where lymph nodes can be easily felt, especially if they are enlarged, are: the groin, armpits (axilla), above the clavicle (supraclavicular), in the neck (cervical), and the back of the head just above hairline (occipital).
From there, they might have to remove those organs and patch her up with some extra skin for a skin graft. She is really being strong and optimistic. I am really blown away by her resolve and zen like take on things. Really puts thing into perspective.
Alot of people are praying for her. She has been having dozens upon dozens of emails come in on a regular basis of people who are thinking of her. I think that alone is what is so encouraging for her..
The lymphatic system is a complex system of fluid drainage and transport, and immune response and disease resistance. Fluid that is forced out of the bloodstream during normal circulation is filtered through lymph nodes to remove bacteria, abnormal cells and other matter. This fluid is then transported back into the bloodstream via the lymph vessels. Lymph only moves in one direction, toward the heart. Common areas where lymph nodes can be easily felt, especially if they are enlarged, are: the groin, armpits (axilla), above the clavicle (supraclavicular), in the neck (cervical), and the back of the head just above hairline (occipital).
From there, they might have to remove those organs and patch her up with some extra skin for a skin graft. She is really being strong and optimistic. I am really blown away by her resolve and zen like take on things. Really puts thing into perspective.
Alot of people are praying for her. She has been having dozens upon dozens of emails come in on a regular basis of people who are thinking of her. I think that alone is what is so encouraging for her..
Monday, January 09, 2006
Epictetus and dealing with cancer
It's been a hard few days.
Mom has been swinging back and fourth between stability and objectivity to fear and dread. I know that she is going to be going through so many things in the next little while. I can't even begin to imagine how insane it must be, waiting for a diagnosis.
She said if the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, the prognosis is 6-12 month.
that's how nasty melanoma can get.
it freaked the fuck out of me when she said that.
I would be crying my head off until I got the diagnosis, and then cry even more if that were the truth.
But she's not. She is one hell of an amazing woman. I think if anybody deserves a second chance, it should be her.
I pray every night now, send my wishes out to the universe, God, whoever is in charge of the big picture, and ask them to keep her alive and healthy.
Funny, and ironic. I never thought that this would happen to me, to my family, my mother.
I might be a prime candidate for melanoma as well. Fair skin and eyes. Just like mom.
Now every mole and pimple goes under scrutiny.
I came across this website - it's about Cognitive behavior therapy - CBT.
Apparently a philosopher named Epictetus (c. 50–138 AD) was the first to employ these methods. Here are some quotes that I had to put here. I will be refering back to them often as I have a feeling they will be keeping me grounded over the next while. I hope you enjoy them as well.
Control
Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have accepted this fundamental rule, and learned to distinguish between what you can and cannot control, that inner tranquillity and outer effectiveness become possible.
Where trouble really comes from
Things themselves don’t hurt or hinder us. Neither do other people. How we view things and people is a different matter. Strange as it may seem at first, it is our own attitudes and reactions that give us the most trouble. We cannot always choose our external circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them.
Legislating for the world
Circumstances do not arise to meet our desires or expectations. Events happen as they do. People behave according to their own inclinations and what they are faced with — which we may not even be aware of. Don’t try to make your own rules that the world is supposed to follow. That is a recipe for frustration. Exercise what influence you can, then accept what you actually get and make the most of it.
and the last is perhaps one of the most important ones, and the one that seems to apply to me the most right now...
Nothing to lose
Nothing can truly be taken from us. There is nothing to lose. Everything, including one's own life, is on loan from the world. Inner peace begins when we stop saying of things, "I have lost it," and instead say, "It has been returned to where it came from." The important thing is to take great care of what you have while the world lets you have it, just as a traveler takes care of a room at an inn.
Mom has been swinging back and fourth between stability and objectivity to fear and dread. I know that she is going to be going through so many things in the next little while. I can't even begin to imagine how insane it must be, waiting for a diagnosis.
She said if the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, the prognosis is 6-12 month.
that's how nasty melanoma can get.
it freaked the fuck out of me when she said that.
I would be crying my head off until I got the diagnosis, and then cry even more if that were the truth.
But she's not. She is one hell of an amazing woman. I think if anybody deserves a second chance, it should be her.
I pray every night now, send my wishes out to the universe, God, whoever is in charge of the big picture, and ask them to keep her alive and healthy.
Funny, and ironic. I never thought that this would happen to me, to my family, my mother.
I might be a prime candidate for melanoma as well. Fair skin and eyes. Just like mom.
Now every mole and pimple goes under scrutiny.
I came across this website - it's about Cognitive behavior therapy - CBT.
Apparently a philosopher named Epictetus (c. 50–138 AD) was the first to employ these methods. Here are some quotes that I had to put here. I will be refering back to them often as I have a feeling they will be keeping me grounded over the next while. I hope you enjoy them as well.
Control
Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have accepted this fundamental rule, and learned to distinguish between what you can and cannot control, that inner tranquillity and outer effectiveness become possible.
Where trouble really comes from
Things themselves don’t hurt or hinder us. Neither do other people. How we view things and people is a different matter. Strange as it may seem at first, it is our own attitudes and reactions that give us the most trouble. We cannot always choose our external circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them.
Legislating for the world
Circumstances do not arise to meet our desires or expectations. Events happen as they do. People behave according to their own inclinations and what they are faced with — which we may not even be aware of. Don’t try to make your own rules that the world is supposed to follow. That is a recipe for frustration. Exercise what influence you can, then accept what you actually get and make the most of it.
and the last is perhaps one of the most important ones, and the one that seems to apply to me the most right now...
Nothing to lose
Nothing can truly be taken from us. There is nothing to lose. Everything, including one's own life, is on loan from the world. Inner peace begins when we stop saying of things, "I have lost it," and instead say, "It has been returned to where it came from." The important thing is to take great care of what you have while the world lets you have it, just as a traveler takes care of a room at an inn.
E=MCMilkshake
I could not resist.
Inkycat is just soo brilliant!
I will be back soon.
Mom's PET scan is tommorow. We are all waiting on pins and needles...
Inkycat is just soo brilliant!
I will be back soon.
Mom's PET scan is tommorow. We are all waiting on pins and needles...
Friday, January 06, 2006
how crazy is this???!!!
I just got word from a friend of mine in the biz. I met him when I was in NYC. We all had our photos as part of the flickr expo. He is super cool and is from LA and is now in NYC producing and doing cinematography for some work of his own. When I was down there about 3 weeks ago, we talked about doing some work together in the future. He saw my films and was very impressed with my cinematography and had a huge discussion about what life is like in the film biz. It was all really great - getting the other side of things. Needless to say, I was really happy that I had made this great contact who I considered to be a mentor for future work and cinema insight. God knows that I am going to need all the help I can get at this point!!!
So onto today. Here is my horoscope for the week beginning tomorrow. I am flipping....
Your Weekend: How far away is the future? About as far away as the past. And how far is that? Well, in one way, yesterday is distant and irrecoverable, yet the memory of it is instantly accessible. We can't remember tomorrow but that doesn't mean we can't instinctively instantly 'know' something of what it contains. You need, this weekend, to think about what you want to happen. Then you need to recognize that if you really work for this, you can make it happen. 2006 is not, repeat not, going to be a rerun of 2005.
I got an email from him about 10 minutes ago. He has a gig for me at the end of the month. 250/day cash for 3 day shoot. I'd be staying at his place (which is right in Manhattan) and I would be working with some really cool people. After that, he has another gig for me in February - low pay but the hours are long and working with a great crew and they are actually submitting these shorts for an Emmy in the new media category.
I am flipping. Nothing is written in stone - yet, but I am soo pumped. I am almost on the verge of hyperventilating!! AHAHHAH!
Can this be real? Can my dreams actually be starting to take shape?! I am freakign out. But the only thing is my mom's surgery. She goes in on the 17th of this month and will be in bed for the next month with her whole skin graft. I have a feeling that she will tell me to go - she knows ho much this means to me, but at the same time, I still would feel terribly guilty leaving her behind in a post-op state, especially since it's not an operation for apendeticis - it's fucken cancer... Well, time to ask the universe for a helping hand. And I'll need a big one at that!!!
Wish me luck...
So onto today. Here is my horoscope for the week beginning tomorrow. I am flipping....
Your Weekend: How far away is the future? About as far away as the past. And how far is that? Well, in one way, yesterday is distant and irrecoverable, yet the memory of it is instantly accessible. We can't remember tomorrow but that doesn't mean we can't instinctively instantly 'know' something of what it contains. You need, this weekend, to think about what you want to happen. Then you need to recognize that if you really work for this, you can make it happen. 2006 is not, repeat not, going to be a rerun of 2005.
I got an email from him about 10 minutes ago. He has a gig for me at the end of the month. 250/day cash for 3 day shoot. I'd be staying at his place (which is right in Manhattan) and I would be working with some really cool people. After that, he has another gig for me in February - low pay but the hours are long and working with a great crew and they are actually submitting these shorts for an Emmy in the new media category.
I am flipping. Nothing is written in stone - yet, but I am soo pumped. I am almost on the verge of hyperventilating!! AHAHHAH!
Can this be real? Can my dreams actually be starting to take shape?! I am freakign out. But the only thing is my mom's surgery. She goes in on the 17th of this month and will be in bed for the next month with her whole skin graft. I have a feeling that she will tell me to go - she knows ho much this means to me, but at the same time, I still would feel terribly guilty leaving her behind in a post-op state, especially since it's not an operation for apendeticis - it's fucken cancer... Well, time to ask the universe for a helping hand. And I'll need a big one at that!!!
Wish me luck...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
holy crap - full throttle and other moments of sheer panic
ANOTHER LOST POST - NOTE TO SELF - FIND MY PLACE
I do my best work when I am under stress.
It's not a healthy thing mind you, and God forbid it kills me before I become famous, but I seem to get really focused and creative
and sometimes it just scares the living shit out of me
like now...
This is an email I sent to a gallery owner I met on Saturday.
After walking into his gallery - looking at the photos on the walls and telling e: "my shit is way better than this!" and having the gallery owner come over to me (I guess I must have made him wonder - who is that ballsy chick??!) and talk shop for over an hour.
And then went back again as we were leaving the Rhonda Schaller gallery (the one in chelsea - the gallery owner who just ADORES my work! I still can't get over that...) walking back into his studio, up to his desk and putting two of my prints down and said:
"this is my work. I will email you more when I get home. I hope this piqued your interest..."
E's comment: Holy crap! I'm so proud of you! You just walked in there, without a second thought, up to his desk and showed him your work! Talk about balls! You were acting like you were really in your element, and it was soo nice to see that again.
and I must say, I really did feel like I was in my element.
Could it have just been because I was in a New York State of mind?
Could it have been that I was "in vacation mode" where everything is surreal and honeymoon-state-ish?
Could it have been that I was on a manic high?
I can definitely say a big medicated no to the last one. I was calm, cool and collected both inside and out.
So what was it?
Now that I'm back in my cold, snowy, moldy bathroom element, I am beginning to question it all, which is about as toxic as the mold behind my walls.
This is the email I sent him today. Had been putting it off since I got back (oh yea, did I mention that I'm doing 3 more shoots in two days with Alex before he leaves for Brazil on the 17th? He wants to make the cover of a magazine and is set on us doing it. More stress. Stress. And more stress. Did I say that i was stressed?)
B,
I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to talk with me about your gallery, your work and sharing your wisdom about the art world. I had a lot to think about on the ride home to home - where I am at as an artist, where I want to go with that art, and how I want my art to impact the world. Difficult questions with no easy answers, but answers nonetheless, which I beleive are constantly evolving as we evolve with our work.
Several points you had brought up resonated deep within me - almost a knowing, a realization that I'm at the point in my career where challenge is a necessary impetus for pushing my creative boundaries, and that your gallery's mission is to take on artists who are willing to take this route, who are willing to learn and grow.
Like I had mentioned - my own home town and nearby neighbor have both turned their backs on me, despite my many attempts to showcase my work, but in the light of our discussion, perhaps they are not ready for the strange and bold directions I am blazing in my photography, and perhaps that's a good thing - especially if places like New York are ready to embrace me (slowly and piece by piece), as they already have in the past and continue to do so.
I am sending you a link to some of my selected galleries:
insomniacs elixir
Blue - a journey within
bathroom series
and my strange fascination with bathrooms (some self-portraits included):
erotic neurotic bathroom
I hope that this is not an overwhelming group of images - (my current struggle with manic depression has made it hard for me to be objective) and that you'll find something that will pique your interest.
I hope that my work might find a home at your gallery because my intuition tells me that within this creative environment, evolution on an exponential level would be something that I would experience, and am definitely ready for. ..
It was a real pleasure meeting you and hope that our paths will cross again someday soon. Your dynamic energy and extraordinary creative presence really inspired me - thank you so very much.
Cheers,
HPK
and his reply a few hours later (which floored me - this guy means business...)
I do my best work when I am under stress.
It's not a healthy thing mind you, and God forbid it kills me before I become famous, but I seem to get really focused and creative
and sometimes it just scares the living shit out of me
like now...
This is an email I sent to a gallery owner I met on Saturday.
After walking into his gallery - looking at the photos on the walls and telling e: "my shit is way better than this!" and having the gallery owner come over to me (I guess I must have made him wonder - who is that ballsy chick??!) and talk shop for over an hour.
And then went back again as we were leaving the Rhonda Schaller gallery (the one in chelsea - the gallery owner who just ADORES my work! I still can't get over that...) walking back into his studio, up to his desk and putting two of my prints down and said:
"this is my work. I will email you more when I get home. I hope this piqued your interest..."
E's comment: Holy crap! I'm so proud of you! You just walked in there, without a second thought, up to his desk and showed him your work! Talk about balls! You were acting like you were really in your element, and it was soo nice to see that again.
and I must say, I really did feel like I was in my element.
Could it have just been because I was in a New York State of mind?
Could it have been that I was "in vacation mode" where everything is surreal and honeymoon-state-ish?
Could it have been that I was on a manic high?
I can definitely say a big medicated no to the last one. I was calm, cool and collected both inside and out.
So what was it?
Now that I'm back in my cold, snowy, moldy bathroom element, I am beginning to question it all, which is about as toxic as the mold behind my walls.
This is the email I sent him today. Had been putting it off since I got back (oh yea, did I mention that I'm doing 3 more shoots in two days with Alex before he leaves for Brazil on the 17th? He wants to make the cover of a magazine and is set on us doing it. More stress. Stress. And more stress. Did I say that i was stressed?)
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, December 12, 2007 3:11 PM I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to talk with me about your gallery, your work and sharing your wisdom about the art world. I had a lot to think about on the ride home to home - where I am at as an artist, where I want to go with that art, and how I want my art to impact the world. Difficult questions with no easy answers, but answers nonetheless, which I beleive are constantly evolving as we evolve with our work.
Several points you had brought up resonated deep within me - almost a knowing, a realization that I'm at the point in my career where challenge is a necessary impetus for pushing my creative boundaries, and that your gallery's mission is to take on artists who are willing to take this route, who are willing to learn and grow.
Like I had mentioned - my own home town and nearby neighbor have both turned their backs on me, despite my many attempts to showcase my work, but in the light of our discussion, perhaps they are not ready for the strange and bold directions I am blazing in my photography, and perhaps that's a good thing - especially if places like New York are ready to embrace me (slowly and piece by piece), as they already have in the past and continue to do so.
I am sending you a link to some of my selected galleries:
insomniacs elixir
Blue - a journey within
bathroom series
and my strange fascination with bathrooms (some self-portraits included):
erotic neurotic bathroom
I hope that this is not an overwhelming group of images - (my current struggle with manic depression has made it hard for me to be objective) and that you'll find something that will pique your interest.
I hope that my work might find a home at your gallery because my intuition tells me that within this creative environment, evolution on an exponential level would be something that I would experience, and am definitely ready for. ..
It was a real pleasure meeting you and hope that our paths will cross again someday soon. Your dynamic energy and extraordinary creative presence really inspired me - thank you so very much.
Cheers,
HPK
and his reply a few hours later (which floored me - this guy means business...)
HPK,
Meeting you was a pleasure. And I did take the time to look at your work. There's a great deal of potential and pulse to your images.And I find the nudity second to the emotional expression. I think the nudity leaves you vulnerable and allows the fear, anger, and chaos's to come through.Having said that the body shots engage the viewer and seduces them into taking a closer look. What I would like to see is what's not on the web sites. A series of complete raw images that were done and enabled you to design the series from.One of my challenges is because I deal with international artists. I am not able to visit as many studios as I would like to see artists work.It helps to better understand the process and level of commitment. Most of my artists walk me through the process with written information about the concept and a series of images of the works progress. What I am looking for is all of it. Not just the finished product. It allows me to be informed and objective.And better understand your level of commitment. Show me what has been left on the cutting floor. Or that has never been seen because of fear, insecurity or vanity.Then we will chat.
Best
B
What we will be exhibiting this coming year will supersede the extraordinary. But my instincts tell me you are capable, driven and hungry. Now WOW me.
I sent him the whole "blue - depression" series - all of it. And although you can see much of me, there are other things, more scary things you see as well.
I guess he saw them and they piqued his interest.
Now did I mention this guy is BIG TIME!
I mean huge f*#en international scale with galleries in L.A and soon to be Tokyo and Spain?
The potential here is huge.
Is it just a pipe dream?
Perhaps.
Could this all be smoke and mirrors?
Maybe
Do I think this is all might be about my life - a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more? Is it a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?
Only time will tell, (and maybe Shakespeare...)
I sent him the whole "blue - depression" series - all of it. And although you can see much of me, there are other things, more scary things you see as well.
I guess he saw them and they piqued his interest.
Now did I mention this guy is BIG TIME!
I mean huge f*#en international scale with galleries in L.A and soon to be Tokyo and Spain?
The potential here is huge.
Is it just a pipe dream?
Perhaps.
Could this all be smoke and mirrors?
Maybe
Do I think this is all might be about my life - a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more? Is it a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?
Only time will tell, (and maybe Shakespeare...)
Happy 2006!!
What a way to bring in 2006!
Worked at the club - made my way through sweaty sticky packed together too tightly bodies and eneded up having a great time.
Welcome 2006.
Are you ready to get your ass kicked?
I have alot on my plate right now - getting over this hump (feeling like crap becasue it's the worst time of year for me...) and my mom's treatment/surgery which will take up most of my time and attention. I am hoping though, that in the downtime I will spend at her place, I will be posting more of my stories here. It's about time. I think I am due for a few long entries...
Worked at the club - made my way through sweaty sticky packed together too tightly bodies and eneded up having a great time.
Welcome 2006.
Are you ready to get your ass kicked?
I have alot on my plate right now - getting over this hump (feeling like crap becasue it's the worst time of year for me...) and my mom's treatment/surgery which will take up most of my time and attention. I am hoping though, that in the downtime I will spend at her place, I will be posting more of my stories here. It's about time. I think I am due for a few long entries...
Sunday, January 01, 2006
What this year has in store for me...
Well, weathered 2005 and I'm still here...
It's almost 6am and I just came back from a wonderful smoked meat sandwitch, greasy fries and managed to scrape off the makeup from my face. Tonight I worked at the club and it was outrageous!! Thought that my camera was broken, flipped, got home only to realize, DUH, it was my fault - screwed up on some setting. But I managed to take about 600 pix, and now will have to sift through them and hand them in Monday. But tonight was fun. Very cool.
I had to hop the fence to get into the club! lol
but it's all good.
Mom's PET scan is on Wedensday. Her surgery might be the 17th. We are all praying that the cancer has not spread too far. We are all keeping our fingers crossed.
Boy, this is gonna be one hell of a year, but if I can get through this, hell. I can get through anything...
As the countdown began, I remembered my trip to New York - having gone back a second time, and shaking on a deal to direct Sto's feature - big steps. It's all good ;-)
After the clock struck midnight, the music began to blare - New York New York by Frank Sinatra. I almost cried.
When I made my first visit to NYC, I sat in Central Park and asked myself Can I really make it here? Is this where I belong? And just out of the blue, some old man on a bike zipped past me, with a huge boom box attached to the back.
Well, guess what was playing.
Yep.
New York New York by Frank Sinatra.
The verse was if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere, it's up to you - New York, New York.
I still get chills when I think about that moment.
Out of all places, out of all songs, and just when I was sitting there. I'ts not like central park is a small place either.
Yep. Strange things indeed.
So just because I am such a sucker for these astro forecasts, I had to add this one. Perhaps next year I will look back on this, as I look back on what I wrote here a year ago, and smile.
Aries OVERVIEW: In matters of the heart, you've always preferred the chase to the capture. In fact, hard as it might be to believe, once the courtship dance is over -- especially if it doesn't last long enough or prove interesting enough -- you've actually been known to lose interest entirely. You won't have that problem this year though. From early January through early March, someone who absolutely demands your respect will attract a healthy portion of your attention. Suddenly, you'll be willing to suspend all rules, clean up your act and go out of your way to prove how honorable your intentions are -- just to ensure that you end up with the pleasure of their long-term company.
Love won't be your only focus this year, however. You may need to make a major decision regarding your job, thanks to two eclipses, classic harbingers of change. The first, in mid-March, will get the show on the road and probably make you restless enough to start looking for other options. By the time the second eclipse arrives in late September, you'll be more than ready to clear out your desk. Giving two weeks notice may not be first and foremost on your mind, especially if a better offer is already waiting impatiently in the wings. Just be sure your next step is set in stone before you burn any bridges.
Burning bridges will come easily to you by December, however, and you won't have to worry about any repercussions either. By New Year's Day 2007, you'll be amazed at how many great big changes you've made, possibly even including a long-distance move. Regardless of where you end up -- or with whom -- rest assured that this will be a year to remember and that everything will be just fine in the end. So don't worry if things aren't completely fine right now. All that means is that you're not at the end of this process just yet. Relax and do what feels right. You're reinventing yourself, and if you're smart, you'll allow yourself to enjoy the journey -- and to take your sweet time.
CAREER: Your powerful, restless energy generally means that if you're not moving up, you're itching to move on. That can be frustrating, as it might often seem that you're packing up (or wishing you were packing up) just as you finally get settled into a new position. Raw ambition can only get you so far, though, and early this year you will find yourself inspired to take a new look at your current position -- or maybe the next one in line -- as worthwhile on its own merits. You won't be shedding your ambition so much as fulfilling your desire to see longer-term plans come to fruition. Expect a two-month period of solid, deeply satisfying personal growth.
After all that, you will find substantial new territories to explore in the spring. The lunar eclipse just before the Ides of March brings subtle changes to your core mission. If your timing is just right and circumstances favor you, it will be a time of explosive growth. Your competitors don't stand much of a chance -- unless, that is, you let yourself get too distracted by the sheer volume of opportunities to pick a few and focus on them. The end of summer brings a more intense solar eclipse and a slower, quieter time for you and your clients. Spend the early autumn working on negotiations or other interpersonal interactions -- your strengths will lie in that domain.
Toward the end of the year, you might feel the urge to move on yet again. Try to channel that energy into something different -- jettison some of the less profitable or interesting components of your work, for example, or restructure your current approach. When you reflect on the changes 2006 has brought to your working life, you will see the deeper pattern that you likely missed while it was developing all around you. And you're still trending upward, even if it feels like you've stalled out. In the end, you will have found the stability necessary for true growth.
LOVE: For some time now, your love life has been in a holding pattern. It hasn't been dull -- you get the same endorphins from jogging in place that you do on a cross-country run over varied terrain -- but you're feeling restless. At the beginning of the year, you'll sense the opportunity to deepen a friendship or reignite a relationship that you'd begun to take for granted. Pay attention to the cues that indicate your partner is ready to take your connection to a more intense level. From January through March, give yourself plenty of time and opportunity to ease into this exciting change. Weekend getaways to unusual destinations, like a natural hot springs or a quirky amusement park, will help you two focus on each other's hopes, however outlandish or potentially embarrassing.
Around the middle of March, your ability to concentrate on the softer side of life will be somewhat diminished. Two eclipses, one in the spring and the other at the beginning of fall, suggests that major changes in your day-to-day life are coming, and your focus will be needed in other areas. You can keep your sympathies supple through all this upheaval by lavishing attention on yourself. Massages and daytrips to the spa will help you relax. Classic novels with passionate, inward-focused characters will remind you of your emotional needs, even while your ambition is being prodded by more pragmatic challenges.
By the time the winter holidays arrive, you will begin to feel more confident with the path your life is taking. And perhaps to your surprise, your clear-eyed vision of the future may not include a certain romantic partner. Think deeply about the situation, but if you feel like cleaning out your closet to make way for something new, don't second-guess your preference. You're coming into contact with new people every day, and if someone else is better aligned with your inner self, you won't rest until your lives run parallel in all the best ways.
It's almost 6am and I just came back from a wonderful smoked meat sandwitch, greasy fries and managed to scrape off the makeup from my face. Tonight I worked at the club and it was outrageous!! Thought that my camera was broken, flipped, got home only to realize, DUH, it was my fault - screwed up on some setting. But I managed to take about 600 pix, and now will have to sift through them and hand them in Monday. But tonight was fun. Very cool.
I had to hop the fence to get into the club! lol
but it's all good.
Mom's PET scan is on Wedensday. Her surgery might be the 17th. We are all praying that the cancer has not spread too far. We are all keeping our fingers crossed.
Boy, this is gonna be one hell of a year, but if I can get through this, hell. I can get through anything...
As the countdown began, I remembered my trip to New York - having gone back a second time, and shaking on a deal to direct Sto's feature - big steps. It's all good ;-)
After the clock struck midnight, the music began to blare - New York New York by Frank Sinatra. I almost cried.
When I made my first visit to NYC, I sat in Central Park and asked myself Can I really make it here? Is this where I belong? And just out of the blue, some old man on a bike zipped past me, with a huge boom box attached to the back.
Well, guess what was playing.
Yep.
New York New York by Frank Sinatra.
The verse was if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere, it's up to you - New York, New York.
I still get chills when I think about that moment.
Out of all places, out of all songs, and just when I was sitting there. I'ts not like central park is a small place either.
Yep. Strange things indeed.
So just because I am such a sucker for these astro forecasts, I had to add this one. Perhaps next year I will look back on this, as I look back on what I wrote here a year ago, and smile.
Aries OVERVIEW: In matters of the heart, you've always preferred the chase to the capture. In fact, hard as it might be to believe, once the courtship dance is over -- especially if it doesn't last long enough or prove interesting enough -- you've actually been known to lose interest entirely. You won't have that problem this year though. From early January through early March, someone who absolutely demands your respect will attract a healthy portion of your attention. Suddenly, you'll be willing to suspend all rules, clean up your act and go out of your way to prove how honorable your intentions are -- just to ensure that you end up with the pleasure of their long-term company.
Love won't be your only focus this year, however. You may need to make a major decision regarding your job, thanks to two eclipses, classic harbingers of change. The first, in mid-March, will get the show on the road and probably make you restless enough to start looking for other options. By the time the second eclipse arrives in late September, you'll be more than ready to clear out your desk. Giving two weeks notice may not be first and foremost on your mind, especially if a better offer is already waiting impatiently in the wings. Just be sure your next step is set in stone before you burn any bridges.
Burning bridges will come easily to you by December, however, and you won't have to worry about any repercussions either. By New Year's Day 2007, you'll be amazed at how many great big changes you've made, possibly even including a long-distance move. Regardless of where you end up -- or with whom -- rest assured that this will be a year to remember and that everything will be just fine in the end. So don't worry if things aren't completely fine right now. All that means is that you're not at the end of this process just yet. Relax and do what feels right. You're reinventing yourself, and if you're smart, you'll allow yourself to enjoy the journey -- and to take your sweet time.
CAREER: Your powerful, restless energy generally means that if you're not moving up, you're itching to move on. That can be frustrating, as it might often seem that you're packing up (or wishing you were packing up) just as you finally get settled into a new position. Raw ambition can only get you so far, though, and early this year you will find yourself inspired to take a new look at your current position -- or maybe the next one in line -- as worthwhile on its own merits. You won't be shedding your ambition so much as fulfilling your desire to see longer-term plans come to fruition. Expect a two-month period of solid, deeply satisfying personal growth.
After all that, you will find substantial new territories to explore in the spring. The lunar eclipse just before the Ides of March brings subtle changes to your core mission. If your timing is just right and circumstances favor you, it will be a time of explosive growth. Your competitors don't stand much of a chance -- unless, that is, you let yourself get too distracted by the sheer volume of opportunities to pick a few and focus on them. The end of summer brings a more intense solar eclipse and a slower, quieter time for you and your clients. Spend the early autumn working on negotiations or other interpersonal interactions -- your strengths will lie in that domain.
Toward the end of the year, you might feel the urge to move on yet again. Try to channel that energy into something different -- jettison some of the less profitable or interesting components of your work, for example, or restructure your current approach. When you reflect on the changes 2006 has brought to your working life, you will see the deeper pattern that you likely missed while it was developing all around you. And you're still trending upward, even if it feels like you've stalled out. In the end, you will have found the stability necessary for true growth.
LOVE: For some time now, your love life has been in a holding pattern. It hasn't been dull -- you get the same endorphins from jogging in place that you do on a cross-country run over varied terrain -- but you're feeling restless. At the beginning of the year, you'll sense the opportunity to deepen a friendship or reignite a relationship that you'd begun to take for granted. Pay attention to the cues that indicate your partner is ready to take your connection to a more intense level. From January through March, give yourself plenty of time and opportunity to ease into this exciting change. Weekend getaways to unusual destinations, like a natural hot springs or a quirky amusement park, will help you two focus on each other's hopes, however outlandish or potentially embarrassing.
Around the middle of March, your ability to concentrate on the softer side of life will be somewhat diminished. Two eclipses, one in the spring and the other at the beginning of fall, suggests that major changes in your day-to-day life are coming, and your focus will be needed in other areas. You can keep your sympathies supple through all this upheaval by lavishing attention on yourself. Massages and daytrips to the spa will help you relax. Classic novels with passionate, inward-focused characters will remind you of your emotional needs, even while your ambition is being prodded by more pragmatic challenges.
By the time the winter holidays arrive, you will begin to feel more confident with the path your life is taking. And perhaps to your surprise, your clear-eyed vision of the future may not include a certain romantic partner. Think deeply about the situation, but if you feel like cleaning out your closet to make way for something new, don't second-guess your preference. You're coming into contact with new people every day, and if someone else is better aligned with your inner self, you won't rest until your lives run parallel in all the best ways.
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