holy crap - full throttle and other moments of sheer panic

ANOTHER LOST POST - NOTE TO SELF - FIND MY PLACE

I do my best work when I am under stress.

It's not a healthy thing mind you, and God forbid it kills me before I become famous, but I seem to get really focused and creative

and sometimes it just scares the living shit out of me

like now...

This is an email I sent to a gallery owner I met on Saturday.
After walking into his gallery - looking at the photos on the walls and telling e: "my shit is way better than this!" and having the gallery owner come over to me (I guess I must have made him wonder - who is that ballsy chick??!) and talk shop for over an hour.

And then went back again as we were leaving the Rhonda Schaller gallery (the one in chelsea - the gallery owner who just ADORES my work! I still can't get over that...) walking back into his studio, up to his desk and putting two of my prints down and said:

"this is my work. I will email you more when I get home. I hope this piqued your interest..."

E's comment: Holy crap! I'm so proud of you! You just walked in there, without a second thought, up to his desk and showed him your work! Talk about balls! You were acting like you were really in your element, and it was soo nice to see that again.

and I must say, I really did feel like I was in my element.

Could it have just been because I was in a New York State of mind?
Could it have been that I was "in vacation mode" where everything is surreal and honeymoon-state-ish?
Could it have been that I was on a manic high?

I can definitely say a big medicated no to the last one. I was calm, cool and collected both inside and out.

So what was it?

Now that I'm back in my cold, snowy, moldy bathroom element, I am beginning to question it all, which is about as toxic as the mold behind my walls.

This is the email I sent him today. Had been putting it off since I got back (oh yea, did I mention that I'm doing 3 more shoots in two days with Alex before he leaves for Brazil on the 17th? He wants to make the cover of a magazine and is set on us doing it. More stress. Stress. And more stress. Did I say that i was stressed?)

----- Original Message -----

Sent: Wednesday, December 12, 2007 3:11 PM

B,
I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to talk with me about your gallery, your work and sharing your wisdom about the art world. I had a lot to think about on the ride home to home - where I am at as an artist, where I want to go with that art, and how I want my art to impact the world. Difficult questions with no easy answers, but answers nonetheless, which I beleive are constantly evolving as we evolve with our work.


Several points you had brought up resonated deep within me - almost a knowing, a realization that I'm at the point in my career where challenge is a necessary impetus for pushing my creative boundaries, and that your gallery's mission is to take on artists who are willing to take this route, who are willing to learn and grow.

Like I had mentioned - my own home town  and nearby neighbor have both turned their backs on me, despite my many attempts to showcase my work, but in the light of our discussion, perhaps they are not ready for the strange and bold directions I am blazing in my photography, and perhaps that's a good thing - especially if places like New York are ready to embrace me (slowly and piece by piece), as they already have in the past and continue to do so.

I am sending you a link to some of my selected galleries:
insomniacs elixir

Blue - a journey within
bathroom series

and my strange fascination with bathrooms (some self-portraits included):
erotic neurotic bathroom

I hope that this is not an overwhelming group of images - (my current struggle with manic depression has made it hard for me to be objective) and that you'll find something that will pique your interest.


I hope that my work might find a home at your gallery because my intuition tells me that within this creative environment, evolution on an exponential level would be something that I would experience, and am definitely ready for. ..

It was a real pleasure meeting you and hope that our paths will cross again someday soon. Your dynamic energy and extraordinary creative presence really inspired me - thank you so very much.


Cheers,

HPK

and his reply a few hours later (which floored me - this guy means business...)

HPK,

Meeting you was a pleasure. And I did take the time to look at your work. There's a great deal of potential and pulse to your images.And I find the nudity second to the emotional expression. I think the nudity leaves you vulnerable and allows the fear, anger, and chaos's to come through.Having said that the body shots engage the viewer and seduces them into taking a closer look. What I would like to see is what's not on the web sites. A series of complete raw images that were done and enabled you to design the series from.One of my challenges is because I deal with international artists. I am not able to visit as many studios as I would like to see artists work.It helps to better understand the process and level of commitment. Most of my artists walk me through the process with written information about the concept and a series of images of the works progress. What I am looking for is all of it. Not just the finished product. It allows me to be informed and objective.And better understand your level of commitment. Show me what has been left on the cutting floor. Or that has never been seen because of fear, insecurity or vanity.Then we will chat.

Best

B

What we will be exhibiting this coming year will supersede the extraordinary. But my instincts tell me you are capable, driven and hungry. Now WOW me.

I sent him the whole "blue - depression" series - all of it. And although you can see much of me, there are other things, more scary things you see as well.

I guess he saw them and they piqued his interest.


Now did I mention this guy is BIG TIME!
I mean huge f*#en international scale with galleries in L.A and soon to be Tokyo and Spain?
The potential here is huge.

Is it just a pipe dream?
Perhaps.
Could this all be smoke and mirrors?
Maybe
Do I think this is all might be about my life - a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more? Is it a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?

Only time will tell, (and maybe Shakespeare...)