a letter to a friend...

today, feeling so very vulnerable - a letter to a brilliant photographer and kindred spirit...


Hey R,
Thanks so much for touching base with me. I was really happy when you did - every little email goes a long way to help bring me out of the slump I have fallen into. I'm sure you put two and two together when I made that comment on your photo "speed limit"...

So how have you been?
well, my health - it's so up and down. I had a horrible dream that the doctor's office called to tell me I have cervical cancer - I know, a dream is just a dream, but still shook me up enough to haunt me for the past two days. Guess it's that my mom's 3 month PET scan is coming up - and next week, she gets the results. Perhaps I'm projecting, imagining what it would be like to be in her shoes, and it's not pretty. It blows my mind to see how strong she is and has been through this whole thing. I don't think I have even 1/100 of her guts as I find myself falling apart at the seams on a regular basis.

So I had this procedure to scrape off the pre-cancerous cells from my cervix. Not a huge operation - done in office, but it still was a medical procedure along with needles and lots of industrial medical device noise. Thought I was hemorrhaging last week when all of the sudden, the bleeding got worse. Had to go back to the same doc to see what was up. I don't imagine that a prostate exam is any walk in the park, but for a woman to be lying down, legs spread open to the world is perhaps one of the most vulnerable places to be - physically and mentally.
Not a pretty place at all...

so it wasn't hemorrhaging, but a part of the healing process. My body was not happy - i guess the trauma had shaken everything up cause I felt sicker and achier, more emotionally vulnerable and volatile (on top of my bipolar which seems not to be managed very well lately). Shaken, not stirred - and ready to pop. So it's been really hard on me, not to mention everybody else around me.

I have seemed to abandoned photography and flickr. Funny, the thing that I used to save me in times of pain and fear has now turned into pain and fear. I once told somebody that manic depression is a mental cancer. Now that I reflect upon it again, it feels so much to be true. It's always there, can be manageable, but when it comes back, it's usually full force - relentless in its erosion of anything healthy - thoughts, hopes, dreams.

sorry to ramble on like this.
I sit here contemplating whether to delete this chunk of email or not, but perhaps in exposing these demons, I can begin to understand them and keep them from overtaking my life...

I see your photos and each and every one of them transports me to another world. You have a signature style, but no two images are even remotely alike. A quiet, yet profound maturity - a weathered soul with wisdom and insight garnered through years of hardship and joy. You really have such a gift, and in allowing the viewer to suspend their connection with their own present state, and enter yours through your photography, there truly is a healing element in that. I thank you for letting me heal through your images.

I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!!

I DID IT!!!

I GOT MY LICENSE THIS AFTERNOON!

And I am so flipping overjoyed and relieved!!!!!!


all night it rained, and all night I kept on dreaming of how my first time drive in the rain - during an exam, was going to be the death of me - that I would skid off the road, not see clearly enough because there would be such a torrential downpour (we were actually having weather bulletins
issued on the weather network last night!), the windshield wipers would not be able to keep up, but alas, the sky was overcast, and a few droplets while i took my test run down there, but when I got into the car - no rain!!!

And what a relief that was!

already nervous like hell, i was hoping and praying for a friendly test person. The woman before me had one who was smiling, laughing, polite and kind. My luck, I'll get a grumpy one. And that I did.

He was young too - not more than 25, but filled to the brim with a cocky self-righteous attitude. I knew things were going to be tricky when I asked him kindly in french if he could give me the directions in english because French was not my mother tongue and I was a bit nervous.

He paused, and then without looking at me he said as a question:
S'il vous plait?

ARRRRRRRRGGHH!!

Same as asking somebody - "didn't you forget to say please?"

MotherFkr.

Oh mais oui!! Excusez moi - s'il vous plait?

off to a bad start. This was not good at all. I feared for the worst.

I tried to make small talk along the way - telling him about how I prayed for it not to rain today, and how every day that I was supposed to practice on a rainy day - the skies would open up and the sun would shine through - a miracle in reverse. He kinda smiled for that one.

the trip was short - 15-20 minutes tops. It was when we got back to park I began to panic again...

Parallel parking - on a sidewalk - two cars in front and behind you. That's what I was told parallel parking was, and I had it down to a science that I would conduct with my eyes closed and driving with my toes. What way does he ask me to park? Shopping mall parking lot parking.

Technically, that is a form of parallel parking, but not the kind everybody told me to study for!! So I tried to squeeze into a spot and it was close. When I asked him "i guess i might be too close to the guy next to me?" , he replied with a snarky comment:
"Well, what do you think?"

Ohh oh. Didn't like that tone of voice....


but I managed to straighten out the car, put it in park, and turned off the ignition. He pointed out a few things - lane changes, I slow down instead of speeding up, but he gave me a whole pontificating litany on how I was too close, and why did I keep on going so close when I saw that i was already close...

I was sure that i was going to fail, and was ready for those two painful words, but alas, after his little sermon on the art of parallel parking and all the things I did wrong, which went in through one ear and out the other, he said: "Otherwise, you drive well, so congratulations - you passed the exam."

I felt like shaking his hand and jumping up and down, but he was cold and snarky. Don't want to push my luck by leaning over to give him a hug.

And as I walked inside the bureau, I saw my mom waiting for me and flashed her a huge smile - she knew what that meant.


so after 20 years of having my learners permit, i finally FINALLY got my license!!!

Yippie!!
now i will nap cause I didn't sleep last night, and all that stress pre-exam has made me exhausted.

paradise lost

Before

I got these images from a friend who went to the same little place called paradise, that is paradise no more after hurricane Ike.

it was a hotel called Club Covarrubias in Holguin Cuba. I was there about 5 years ago and from what I remember, and what I'm seeing now, it rips my heart to shreds to see it look so bad.


Hurricane Ike hit the region very hard. About 2 hours from the Holguin Airport, Las Tunas, a really small region in the middle of nowhere was a secluded spot of heaven on earth.

The before and after photos are not mine, but I just had to post them so you can get an idea of what kind of devastation we are talking about.

the breakfast hut was leveled. It was right on the beach. It was a miracle that nobody was killed or seriously injured.

How long will it take until the hotel is restored to its former beauty? Nobody really knows. Cuba is still a communist state and any kind of supplies are hard to come by.

After

and speaking of rain...

still no rain today and my exam is 2mrw. And guess what is forecast for 2mrw? Showers. I told my mother that she could sit on the roof of the car and carry a hose with her so it would feel/look like rain, so at least I will get some feeling as to what it's like to drive in it. But as it stands now, 2mrw will be an experience. I'm trying not to think about bombing the exam, but my stomach is in knots and i hope I won't puke at the first downpour.

wish me luck...

rain rain go away...

I have been waiting all week to practice driving in the rain. It's sunny now. Not a good thing.

My driving exam is Monday, and the forecast is heavy showers.

I have never driven in the rain. Ever.
The last time it was pouring, E made his way home in the torrential downpour, and I kid you not, the moment that I stepped into the drivers side, the clouds broke and out came the sun.

How fucked up is that?!?!

So I'm so nervous. I hate rain, especially when I'll be driving in it for the first time in my life, and for the first time in 20 years, taking my exam.

I'm beyond nervous, I'm sick to my stomach ill.

So wish me luck people.
If I fail, I won't be around for while, too disturbed to do anything other than weep.

And Emma in the U.K, than you so much for visiting and your kind message the other day. It means so much to me that you cared enough to drop by and wish me well. God bless you and your family!
xo

My cervix is falling! My cervix is falling!

Phew...
went to see the doc yesterday cause I thought I was getting some sort of nasty infection - or something. My hoho didn't feel right - felt as if it was going to fall out. Seriously. The most bizarre sensation that I have ever felt in my life. Funny thing my body, up to a week before the operation, I was blocked up solid. A few hours after? I'm running to the bowl non stop. And the final last push often had me wailing in pain. "This can't be happening! Not now!" I shouted to my mom as she sat perplexed and helpless in the next room.

"Oh my dear! Is there anything I can do?"

And really, there was nothing that she could have done.

I popped immodium like a kid eating candy on Halloween, which, normally should have blocked me up till next year, but alas, the surgical assault on my body put my inner plumbing into overdrive - dry heaving after the three needles to numb my stubborn cervix, kept on pumping out the sewage at record speed.

not fun.

but a few days later, the storm subsided and life seemed to return to normal, until Tuesday, and the chaos began again...

I began to bleed - really bad. A lot. More than usual. A cause for alarm. Felt weak, about as strong as a wet piece of paper. Dizzy and clumsy. Exhausted and foggy. Was I hemorrhaging? I couldn't tell for sure. Did all that pushing finally shake something loose inside? Was my cervix really falling this time? (I knew it wasn't but it sure felt like it...)

The pain became almost unbearable. That ripping, shredding sensation was surreal and I began to panic. Was this normal? So long after the procedure?


Called the office - the nurse said to come down right away. An infection at that site could be really tricky to deal with if it's progressed to the surrounding tissue. Just what I needed...

Got there - this place is always full. Makes me think of what a betting area of a race track would look like. A hodge podge of anxious faces, waiting to be seen as soon as possible. The wait, an obvious strain apparent in their vacant stares. Almost full term mothers about to pop, pre, perio and post meopausal women fighting off hot flashes in this overly chilly air conditioned room, and a handful of anxious your ladies coming in for their first gyno exam or pap. All wanting to be seen as soon as possible. Get this over and done with fast. As soon as possible. Time is ticking, and the suspense is killing me...

I mean, who looks forward to seeing their gynecologist!?
I know I don't...

An uppity high society woman sat next to me, tapping on her pristine copy of the latest issue of Vogue magazine. Huffing and puffing into the air.
"this is ridicilous! I'm going to get you into see another doctor!"

She strutted up to the window and leaned in, ready for a catty confrontation.

"Excuse me miss. My daughter and I have been waiting here for the past hour and a half. What is the holdup?"

a muffled voice from behind the glass replied.

"yes, but she has school and I have to get her back to class. I don't understand - people have been coming in and out, many who have just come in and are being seen before us. Why is this happening?"

mumble mumble, doctors, mumble mumble, best we can, mumble mumble, please mumble mumble, as soon as possible...

She was pissed.

Her shiny Gucci loafers stomped back to her spot in the chair next to me. Huffing and puffing like a locomotive at rush hour, she snapped: "this is absolutley ridiculous!", making sure everybody around her and on the upper floors heard.

You can imagine my surprise, and fear for my life when just 15 minutes after my arrival, and two minutes after her tirade, my name as called. I was sure that the back of my head was going to be her target for the hard spine of a flying magazine...

The nurse was sweet and concerned. I gave her the rundown. She told me that everything would be okay and that the doctor would be in to see me shortly. I shivered beneath the thin cotton gown, another draped over my legs for warmth.

On the monitor in the corner was a still shot of a previous exam. I'll spare you the details, but it was not the kind of information I needed to see about the previous patient...

what a horrible looking desktop image i said to myself. Couldn't laugh too loud. But what a funny thought. Was thinking of passing that by the doc, but wasn't too sure if he would have found it as funny as I did, so I decided to keep it to myself.

He came in and said hi, a young intern, stiff and freshly academic by his side.

How are you Miss K? What can we do for you today?

i gave him my shopping list of symptoms, and questions. He was kind and concerned, but assured me that there was no real cause for alarm. After some poking and prodding, examining and having a session of medical show and tell, he surmised:

"well, you just have your period. There are no abrasions or cuts from the site, just a little tenderness, which is to be expected. I'm going to give you some antibiotics just to be on the safe side"

So that was it. Nothing to be worried about. Phew!
I was still in pain, and bleeding like a river, but at least I was assured that the healing had begun.

I thanked him, he told me to make sure to come back for the 6 month follow up and then was on my way out.

Walked up to the nurse (who's name was exactly the same as mine, and she was really sweet) and told her what happened.

"I know the other secretary told me that if they get the results, and everything is normal, they won't call, but can you call me nonetheless? I'm going to be waiting on pins and needles for the next 4-6 weeks, I just want to be sure."

"Oh no problem at all! I'm happy that the exam showed nothing serious. Take care of yourself. Everything is going to be alright." she squeezed my hand and smiled. I'm sure that I'm not the first worried woman she had encountered today.

and as I turned around to go, out of the corner of my eye, I saw madame vogue and her now teary eyed teenage daughter, who almost 45 minutes ago saw me walk down the hall into the examining room, coming back out again, look at me with daggers in their eyes. My wobbly legs were way ahead of the rest of my body in trying to find the nearest exit to escape to!

no excuses

love this - no excuses for the lapses in time between posts...

had the surgery on friday - painful and traumatic - quick and crappy.
cells of my cervix scraped away that were, in fact, pre-cancerous
waiting 4-6 weeks for the pathology report

went to the photosenstive thing - that was the only highlight of the past three weeks. We met some amazing people - cancer survivors. That alone is what gave me the strength not to fall apart on the gyno's table friday morning.

and this made me smile. Need lots of that now...

blogging without obligation

After coming across what seemed to be the 4000th or so post on someone's blog starting with "I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile." I decided it is time to rethink what makes a good blog and the expectations that have come to be part of it. I am thinking that no one should utter those words again . . .and with that thought I give you Blogging Without Obligation.

If you feel the same way feel free to grab the logo, make a logo or whatever you would like to do!

I release all the logos, thoughts and words mentioned here about this concept into public domain. Take the idea and run with it... or walk away. It is all good.

• Because you shouldn't have to look at your blog like it is a treadmill.

• Because its okay to just say what you have to say. If that makes for a long post, fine. Short post, fine. Frequent post, fine. Infrequent post, fine.

• Because its okay to not always be enthralled with the sound of your own typing.

• Because sometimes less is more.

• Because only blogging when you feel truly inspired keeps up the integrity of your blog.

• Because they are probably not going to inscribe your stat, link and comment numbers on your tombstone.

• Because for most of us blogging is just a hobby. A way to express yourself and connect with others. You should not have to apologize for lapses in posts. Just take a step back and enjoy life, not everything you do has to be "bloggable".

• Because if you blog without obligation you will naturally keep your blog around longer, because it won't be a chore. Plus, just think you will be doing your part to eradicate post pollution. One post at a time. . .