As I listen to The Verve on my stereo, full blast - orchestrations rolling through my hallways, I take special notice to the lyrics as I pause to look out my window to the 1/2 clear 1/2 grey sky that floats by. It had just rained hard for a about 10 minutes and now the weather is having this great internal battle.

I'm a lucky man,

with fire in my hands...

I can imagine being up in a plane, high above the city, looking out of the window and see the Yin/Yang symbol in the clouds.

It's shitty outside, but I am not feeling shitty.

I am feeling quite strong and wise. I am thankful to be where I am now.

37 and loving it.

Never thought I'd hear those words fly out of my mouth (or out of my fingers!!)

Combination of new meds, 96 hours of fever, trying to change my perspective on life, some soul searching, being shaken up both good and bad - perhaps that all has to do with it, or maybe I've just reached that point.

it's just a change in me

something in my liberty

You know that point when you just wake up one morning and you have that feeling of - ah ha! Okay. Yea. I think I'm starting to get it now.

I hope its stays.

I met up with a flickr buddy - thedak on msn. He's also a photographer (and a really amazing one - go and check out his stuff!!) and waxed poetic about filmaking, him telling me about how he was trying to wrap his head around being 'the big chief director' of the show. How do you do it? You know, rally around the troops without coming off as an asshole or too bossy, or without feeling guilty about telling them what to do?

And in that moment, in that sentence it hit me - I am being asked for advice because I have experience. And not 2 or 3 year of experience, we're talking 10 plus in the motion picture industry alone. I felt so honored that someone was coming to me for insight, help, wisdom.

Yea, you have earned your wisdom, you've earned your wings.

I always knew that I was in the arts for a reason, and that eventually I would be able to share my experiences and make a difference in somebody's life. It is a really special feeling. Kinda warming and calming inside.

Peace and contentment.

So we blabbed a bit, then I sent him a long email with all my book suggestions (Directing for Film - Eric Sherman and Sculpting in Time - Andrei Tarkovsky. Those are an ABSOLUTE MUST for any director or person who is a big fan of cinema) and personal stories about how I cope when things are on my shoulders. I can remember when some (albeit few) master artists would take the time to explain things to me; there is something about life experience that changes the way you look back on things, your perspective on your own history changes - you are a little further away, can now see the forest for the trees and have gained insight that only comes with living a full life.

I feel like I am a happy antique leather couch - the ones that look really old and rugged, the ones with the huge arm rests with the gold rivets on the side. Worn in more places than some, but each spot is rich in texture and uniqueness.

Yea, uniqueness.

I look out my window to the little drops of rain that hang on. With help from the wind, some of them are disappearing, some are joining together to make larger ones.

Stillness.

And for now, it seems like the grey has won, but the light will come around again eventually

I'm not too worried anymore...