oh, and as the medication turns...

Latest issue...

My withdrawl from Welbutrin is another test of my endurance for pain. I halved the dosage as suggested by my phd, to which the side effects (according to him) would be minimal, and have been in such incredible pain, I am actually thinking of going into the hospital to ask for some monster pain killers.

I mean pain - take a step, and feel every join in your body explode with pain, every muscle tearing with tension. Raw deep ugly pain. The whole weekend was spent lying in bed, crying. When I wasn't crying, I was sleeping off what seemed to be the worst flu I've had in decades.

then i went on the net

God bless the internet.

(and what troubled me, is the absence of his blue book - the bible of medications which all doctors have in their office - a piece of furniture, except his. That should have sent the warning sirens off.)

and there it was - in bold: severe flu like symptoms, body and muscle aches, fatigue, restlessness, nausea, diarrhea.

And there were all the symptoms that plagued me - phantom no more.

So I called him yesterday, explaining what was going on, almost pleading with him to go back to the dose I was before.

well, I don't think it's wise to put you back on a medication that made you manic
yes, I agree, but if you remember correctly, I told you that I was also pmsing - which makes any moment in my life a manic moment. That week is hell for me regardless!
regardless, that's not something I want to do.
well, I am leaving Montreal for a week, will be in Detroit and meeting people on buisness, I can't afford to be in pain 24 hours a day, and feel wiped out or like the walking dead. I knew that these withdrawl symptoms would be bad.
How about you wait a few days and call me back
I don't have a few days to play around with my system
I don't want to put you on something that made you manic
I KNOW MY BODY. I CAN BREATHE THROUGH A MANIC MOMENT. YOU WERE MY CBT DOCTOR - YOU GAVE ME THE TOOLS TO BE ABLE TO WORK OUT THOSE THINGS. I WOULD RATHER BE MANIC FOR A MOMENT THAN BE IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT EVERY STEP I TAKE MAKES ME WINCE AND TEAR UP.
...

well, why don't you call me on Wednesday and we'll see...

I almost broke the phone in half, but promptly called my previous doctor who actually had 20 years experience over this newly graduated doc ( I had my sources check this out) and beleived in listening to me and finding alternatives that were in my best interest.

So as I sit here typing this, my fingers are cramping and back is aching so much that I will have to lie down once again until the sharp stabbing pain that pulses through my muscles and joints pass.

fucken dolt.