and the eye just opened up...

trippy


I was sitting at my computer - prozac paranoid rabid mind eating away the insides of my head.

It's hard to stop a locomotive at top speed

breast cancer, melanoma, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer

Keyboard pounded - fingers in a desperate, yet blind search for answers

Bloody hell...

Here we go again.

When this happens, my options are as follows:

a) panic
b) panic and then panic some more
c) implode from the weight of paranoia seeping into my cerebral cortex
d) scream
e) faint
g) begin to eat my own flesh to keep the ants from under my skin from marching up behind my eyeballs
h) be a complete masochist and keep looking for information on the Internet


I usually opt for b, which turns into a h. Sometimes a little d is let out, but then can be preceded by a close call of e.

Without hesitation, I grabbed my sneakers, jacket, hair-tamer-band thingy, keys and walked out the door.

I had no clue where I was going to go - the only thing it had to be was out

long story short:

ended up in a park next to a church where it's quite most of the time. Back to school season so most of the miniature shrieking banshees have been trotted off to daycare. If not, I had my ithingy to keep my ears plugged.

The sun was still shining but becoming overcast. I sat on a wooden park bench, closed my eyes and found some Tibetan Buddhist "ohm" chants.

And for the next 15 minutes, my rabid monkey mind exploded. Accelerated to the umpteenth degree. Following every breath, it seemed to slow down the process. A mental/physical slow acting sedative.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out

17 minutes passed and by fighting off the distractions with so much force, my body and mind became tired. Surrendering to the exhaustion, my eyes opened up and above me, the clouds began to pass so slowly - as if in harmony with each full note of "ohm". Resonating through my fillings, that mantra was starting to work its way through my blood. Closing my eyes, I remembered a technique from a previous yoga class:

focus on the spot between your eyes - your third eye. Be aware of it - enter it.

and I did
with amazing results.


in the past, I was only able to focus on a pink spot of light that would hover at the bridge of my nose. The psychedelic lights that one sees after pressing the eyeball with a palms of the hand. (there is a medical term for those lights...) But this time, it was as if I was seeing through my iris, and it began to expand from a small point of violet light to a whole wash of the purest sky blue.

Hard to explain/understand.

Yea, I know.

So imagine yourself inside an eyeball. Stand behind the pupil. Notice how it expands and contracts with the varying amounts of light that pass through it. Now imagine seeing a cloudless blue sky. The most perfect blue you have ever experienced in your lifetime. The pupil begins to open - wider, wider, until the frayed edges of the iris surrender to this heavenly vision. Feel that moment for a second. How amazing does that sound?

This is what I experienced.

Funny how the mind (mine is far from being spotless or having any reserves of eternal sunshine) begins to grasp for meaning to attach to abstract things. Blame evolution I guess. But my mind started to panic (story of my life) and tried to claw its way back into the safe realm of ordinary consciousness - pulling up things like: got to call the acupuncturist. Cancer. You might have cancer. You are a failure, you good for nothing jobless blob of a middle aged woman...

but another part of me tried to gently coax it back to that serene space. The fighting went on for a few minutes, and just at the moment of possible surrender to this blissful haven, the song ended. If there was a sound for a cosmic thud - I heard it loud and clear.

I dunno.
Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, and neurons are blowing out like old spark plugs, but it was a new feeling. And it was special.

For the next hour, I walked to a nearby park. Took in all the smells of pine and wet grass. Sitting beneath a weeping willow tree, the wind delicately lifted the leaves from the water and rippled across the pond. A family of ducks floated by, occasionally diving head first to catch some eats. Flying, floating, swimming - being.

Two things I love the most - flying and swimming.
My body relaxed, the world around me began to fade away and my iris slowly opened up again - this time, I was awake and alive for the first time in so many many months.

so that's my freaky story.

A letter to myself - must remember this moment when things get really bad.