???

I'm sitting here debating whether I should go to the hospital or not.

I HATE hospitals - but who doesn't right?

I've been there too many times for myself and the people I love. It leaves a metallic taste in my mouth that lingers for days.

Camping was just wonderful. It was such a pleasure to get out of the city. The smell of pine and wild flowers filled my lungs, and the view of the mountains, lush greenery and watching all kinds of animals crossing my path was most mediative.


We drank watered down American beer (actually I had Mike's hard lemonade. They seemed to be out of the Jack Daniel's coolers), ate hamburgers on the grill and toasted marshmallows over the open fire.

Sigh.

Just flashing back to that memory seems to heal the panic that is washing over me in timed waves.


We usually make our pit stops at the Burlington malls before we head home. The Crow Bookstore on Church St. and then the big Barnes and Noble in University mall. Cheaper books, no tax and a kick ass selection of used books. But I opted out of the B&N. I was feeling sick. Really sick.

Out of the blue I knew that if I didn't sit down, I was going to faint. Things went fuzzy, my legs lost their feelign and strength, my fingers froze in a claw like position and the world around me began to tilt.

I waddled to the chair - got a plastic bag ready just in case I decided to hurl. The feeling didn't pass. It hung on for more than 35 minutes - peaking and fading away every 5 minutes.

An allergic reaction?
To what? Bacon, eggs and home fries?

I had an allergic reaction before - but this time, no swelling of the tongue, closing of throat or racing heartbeat.

Just feeling as if I were baked out of my mind, no strength and horrible stomach somersaults that would make any Russian gymnastic coach proud.

"Do you have travel insurance?"

Two hours to get home, not including border time. I was getting desperate. A hospital seemed like a wise choice at this point. But did we have insurance? I don't think E wanted to find out after the fact that a 2000$ medical bill would not be reimbursed.

Well, after a whole ativan later (and many many toilet stops - God. There really was a devil in my coffee that day) we got home. I felt calmer and less spaced out.
But what the hell was that?

Of course, I looked up my symptoms on the internet: The symptom checker
Enough to freak out anybody without a medical degree.

So either it was a panic attack (but I was as relaxed as a stretched out t shirt), osteoporosis, food poisoning, or a stroke (among other things...)

a stroke?
Good god.


But today I feel a little warbly again.
The pain on my right side - inside my stomach, is still stabbing. That nasty ulcer is protesting.
And I as I took a shower, the only thought that went through my mind was: "make sure you're wearing clean underwear with no holes in them."

Status: at computer, feeling foggy, trying to keep panic at bay, underwear clean and without holes, pending decision - go to the hospital or ride this out?