and if we had the chance to do it all again, tell me would we? Could we?

Some people tell me: "I would not want to go back to my 20's because what i know now, 20 years later has given me a whole new perspective on life. I made a lot of mistakes in the past, and knowing what i know now, would not want to repeat them..."

I agree, to a certian extent.

But after scanning all these old negatives, I'm getting nostalgic.

Sure, there are things that I'm happy that I will not have to do twice:

gut wrenching/heart breaking breakups
stupid miscalculations/bad decisions

but for the most part, I wish I was 20 again. Even 30. The world was my oyster. I had such hope for the future. So much joy about the wonderful possibilities in what life was about to share with me.
The sky was the limit. There was nothing I could not do. Doubt had not yet become my nemesis. My brain disease.
I was not crippled by fear that comes from the regret  of things left unsaid, places not visited, stones left unturned.

I've gone through many breakdowns in my life. And i've come through each one like a champ.
Bruised, and scarred, but still swinging.
A little wiser, but looking a little more tired each time.

When i look at this picture, i remember a time when photography was my dream. My vitamin in a film canister.  There was nothing going to stop me from being the best.
It was from the first series of my self portraits.
Back in the days when you had to wait to get your film from the lab to see what the results would be.

But now, everything is instant.
Now.
I miss that joyful anticipation of hand developing a roll of film, pulling it off the roll still wet, and looking at something negative, and turning it into the possibility of a positive image in my mind.

Back then, I had nothing but time.
but 15 years flew by so quickly.

And now I am here, 3:30am. Wide awake. Getting lost in the drone of the scanner motor.
And time does not seem so finite anymore.

I wish I could go back to the day I took this image.
I wish I could go back, and take what I know now, and apply it to back then.

Backwards,
forwards,
each little step, we move closer and yet further away from ourselves...