'Oh my God' - and so begins our summer...

Oh my God.
I am flipping. Exhausted, stunned and flipping.
Nervous as all hell, a little panicked but good.
The universe has strange ways of telling us things, and sometimes if we listen just a little bit, we can hear the messages in the wind, in the flapping of a birds wings, or feel it in a ray of sunshine.

I went to meet with the producers of this corporate video I am going to be doing the cinematography for. This is the big bucks, and I found out that there are two other people on this ladder of advertising/client step - there is the client, who hired an ad agency, who hired the production house, who hired my friend to direct, who hired me to shoot the damm thing. When I say I have alot riding on my shoulders, I'm not kidding. It is my job to make all this stuff look pretty. And that is a big job.

I am nervous as hell!
why?!
Because there will be people watching my every move, waiting for the final product, watching how efficient I am. If I fuck up. What will I do next!? Alot of eyes on little old me!

The man of the house was kinda oblivious to my panic and plight:well welcome to the real world!!
I was so pissed off. What the hell do you know about lighting a room the size of plane hangar!??!

Sure, I could try to do it, I could fake it cause I have never done it before, but do I want to fake with 40 000$ of somebody else's $$?

Expensive mistake to make if I do make a mistake.

I have been trying to employ methods of Cognitive behavioral therapy - change your way of thinking, change the way you feel. Its alot of work - to re-program your mind to think another way. And the mind does resist! And hard! I had to spend a good 10 minutes on the way to the meeting this morning to shut off that tape in my head.
You're gonna fuck up.
They are gonna see you are an amateur
they are gonna smell your fear a mile away...

I went in there confident, spoke with the first set of clients - the ad agency. They were 3 people (two men, one woman) about my age, maybe younger. That helped - no corporate stuffy faces/suits. The director did some sort of fancy power point presentation and everybody loved it. We are going to be doing a ' making of ' the making of. (if you can figure that out).

There is going to be a photographer who will be taking her shots. We will be there filming her photographing these people. Needless to say, I was relieved when I found out she was a woman, even more relieved when I found out how wonderful and sweet she was.

We talked about lighting and how our lights would balance eachother out - she lights for her stuff, and mine would compliment hers, just as her lights could compliment my scene.

How cool is that?!
Working with a fellow photographer!?
Amen.
and a woman!?
Amen and a hallelujah!
She was really nice and soft spoken!?
Double amen and a glory be to God!

So I sat and talked with these people, watched as they went through the minutes of the meeting, and I took my q to go and set up my equipment. People seemed really nice. I tipped my imaginary hat to my director friend and was off.

Saw the production assistant. She asked me what kind of equipment I wanted.
Its been so long since I have done a huge shoot, let alone orchestrate one on my own.
I tried not to sound amateurish, but I was paranoid that it was as blatantly obvious as a hole in the head.
She seemed perplexed with my choices -that's it?! Those are all the lights you want?!

Ah, er, yea...

Big fucken oops.
I was sure she saw right through me like a pane of glass, AMATEUR stamped on my forehead, my dunce cap covering the m in amateur.

it was too late to back pedal - I'll get the chief electro guy to call you. Who do you usually work with!?
Ah, er, ah...

She was relay perplexed and I saw the warning signs go off in her head.
I am done for, toast, my cover's been blown.
Hasta la vista kitty!

I went downtown, distraught and panicking . I met up with a good friend of mine. Her boyfriend has just broken up with her the night before: I love you, but it's just not working out.
This after a year and 1/2 together.
ouch.

You know kitty, I just have to know that I will survive. It is gonna be hard for a while, I will miss him, but life will go on. I have to move on and keep busy.
I stood there in awe. This woman, more than 10 years my junior, was more put together than I was .

You impress the hell out of me girl!

I told her about my panic and worry - why worry!? You know your stuff, you know people who can help you!? Just put it all together.
She was right.
And so I did, but not without a little help from the universe...

I got home and was waiting for the call, the production manager to call me and say: are you sure you can do this?!
But there was no call.
Except one call - the chief electrician.
Turns out he is a photographer too, and was once an aspiring cinematic, like I was.

We bonded immediately. We laughed together, and it was all good.

We're going to make some beautiful images together!

That was music to my ears.

I have to light a candle tomorrow - somebody up there wants me to succeed in this. I mean one photographer on this shoot was a coincidence (allowed me to piggy back off of her lighting setup) but an electro (they are called gaffers in cine language) who is also a frustrated cinematographer like I am!? What a coincidence, no - what a blessing.


I will be spending the weekend going over storyboards and lighting setups and will be shooting all day Tuesday. Wednesday I will be recuperating and trying to pinch myself out of the daze I will surely be in.

Wish me luck my dears. Many people's reputation and money is riding on my little shoulders!!!

Oh, and the play ? Coming along swimmingly!
More about that next post - with pictures!