current weather outlook: overwhelmed
(and unedited)
I think I'm in over my head, again.
Seems like my m.o when life around me begins to fall apart - jump headfirst into a huge project and then realize, as the water beings to creep into my nostrils, that I might not have the stamina or knowledge to find my way back to shore to complete the journey.
I'm applying for a MFA in Photography. I've done two bachelors (ha! what's become of that?!) and found that the academic life had the structure and was the glue to keep together the many sides and fragments of me.
The deadline for next year is Monday.
It's Thursday night - I have a letter of intent to write and 90% of my application rests on this one piece of paper - 500 words could decide my academic fate.
Those are pretty weighty words
so I sit here at the computer, the cats have been fed, but I'm past the point of hunger being an issue, typing away, prattling on, jibber jabber, a run on sentence with no punctuational relief in sight.
focus
focus
must focus
How do I go about writing an interesting essay about self-portraiture when this type of photography has become the latest "craze"? Everybody is doing it!
Everybody is smoking!
Everybody is having sex!
Everybody is getting married!
Everybody is having a baby!
Everybody is taking self-portraits!!
what makes me different?
what makes what I have to say any more interesting than the rest of the self-portrait artists out there? Can I say anything that has not been said 1000 times before? Do my photos really speak to people in a universal language? And if they do, what the hell are they saying?
current weather outlook: discouraged
I'm too tired and mentally drained to think of anything that would make sense without repeating myself over and over again. Rambling and blogging is fun, but I've lost the literary structure of storytelling I once had. Keeping this blog was supposed to be a treadmill for my brain, but perhaps the monotony of the ellipses are slowly driving me mad instead of creating a path to clarity.
2 comments:
I do understand. Sometimes it all becomes chaos, which is why I choose to call myself Azathoth the Blind Idiot God of Chaos here on the blog. I wish I could give you more encouragement, but I myself am finally walking away from my site. Life has just become much too lively for me to continue to write with any coherancy.
But I did want to tell you that I am glad to have found you here on this internet thingy, and I am happy that I got to share your story for a whiel. You are an insperation to those of us out here, even if you cannot see it. You have overcome so much, and I have no doubt that whatever life may throw at you somehow your will will find a way to conquer all the obsticles in your path. Faith. In the end it may be one of the most powerful forces of all, next to love.
Thank you, in the end, for just being you.
-Azathoth
Azathoth100, I will miss you terribly. You've seen me through so many years and identities, so many ups and downs. I thank you for your support. It feels like my universe is getting a little more ominous and lonely.
I wish you all the best in the world, and may all your hopes and dreams, but most of all, the happiness you've ever wanted come true.
oxxoxo
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