Goodbye

I wept all the way home tonight, after spending half of the day with my mom in the office.
It all came out - my worry that the cancer will take her too soon - too soon before she will see me (ever..??) married, before she will ever see Venice again, before we will ever be able to go to New York and paint the town so many wonderful shades of candy apple red.

I wept because I have no money and have to declare bankruptcy and I'm ashamed as to how much money I've thrown out the window during manic/depressed binges of desperation and delusion

I wept because my application to the Masters program in photography might have all been, quite literally a desperate stab in the dark, and that if I do get in, by the simple act of going back to school, it would take another 10 years to resolving my student loan issues (by then, it will be up to $50 000 easy)

I wept because I'm close to 40 and all the dreams I had of being someone, going somewhere, having anything close to a life I dreamed about and worked so hard to get is still only a whisper in a lucid dream that never quite ends but just fades

I wept because living has become so very heavy, so long and drawn out, like a cancer that slowly eats away at my insides. I feed it with food and medication, but the hole just keeps on getting bigger, deeper.

I wept because despite her, doing the mom thing - being there, holding me while I sobbed, I felt so very alone and lost

just ask god to help you
she said
he will give you the strength you need. When I was diagnosed with this cancer, I was overwhelmed. I didn't want to die. So I cried and cried and asked God to help me through this difficult time, and within a few days, it was like something lifted me up, and I found my footing and stability again. it really works. Try it - you have nothing to lose.

I smiled, gave her a huge hug, told her that I loved her so very much, thanked her for being so wonderful to me and waved goodbye, went upstairs and have been bobbing up and down on a sea of a melancholy oblivion, a lonely nostalgia and cold.
The cold is not only physical, but mental too.

How odd.
It has just begun to snow outside - heavily
God's frozen tears falling from the sky



I'm tired. So very very tired. I often say that this feeling is the one that preceded my first and almost deadly mental breakdown.

I weep because those memories are now real - again

So it's time to say goodbye to things
to dreams unfulfilled
to money that will never come and forever gone
to answers whose questions will remain forever elusive
to the vague notion that I would be able to have a grasp of tomorrow and the day after, and the day after that...

it's a goodbye to 39 years of the woman I once knew, who I came to despise, idolize, fear and love

My skin has been turned inside out, veins hang like antique chandeliers - sleeping visitors of an empty house
my eyes have been drained of their blue and ability to focus
my heart slows, beats skip

but does not stop completely -
just a hibernation, suspension

goodbye
for now
but not forever