Dinner with some friends

(an unedited ramble)

We had a lovely time last night - took my mom out for dinner and invited some of her friends as a surprise. It was so nice to see her chatting and laughing with them - 3 women who had known eachother since childhood, all turning 6osomething within weeks of one another. Even though E and I didn't participate much in the conversation, it was all about mom's birthday, and I think it was a special one for her - and that is what we really wanted.

we sent her tulips but they arrived a day late.
on the card I wrote: "tulips today keep the cancer away"

It's a thing we read about - some cancer patient visualized white tulips popping up in his bloodstream, which actually increased his white blood cell count which kept the cancer at bay. I wrote all kinds of affirmations on her bathroom and bedroom mirrors, drew tulips (however scribbly they were) while she was at the hospital so when she came back, she'd have these reminders.

She still has them up to this day.

I have one in my bathroom - "you're fantastic" with a little star next to it.

The first thing I see when I wake up in the morning - but sometimes I forget to notice it's there, instead noticing the huge black bags under my eyes and pasty white skin.

But sometimes it pays to stop and look at the tulips and writing on the mirrors.



***

Had a strange dream this morning - was in some sort of "funhouse"/farm/barn (?) and had to go through this "ride" by myself. But I was too anxious and wanted to get it over with, so I closed my eyes and felt my way along the wall - grabbing onto these long dangling chains - the industrial kind that lift up cars and things. I peeked - and around me was a slaughter house - not currently in operation, but gross enough. In the center were gigantic cow carcasses hanging gutted upsidedown, and in the distance, the sounds of chickens clucking like a thousands doorbells going off at once. People on the side cheered me on - "move faster", "you're almost done", but as I felt my way from chain link to chain link, I felt warm slimy animal flesh being pelted at me - landing on my shoulders, a heavy moist thump, chicken skin falling into my hair, other slimy pieces being pelted at my face and arms. I was too freaked out to scream, but was freaked out enough to not open my eyes any more and keep moving towards the clearing in the room.

I made it and the group I was with cheered jubilantly.
My white shorts and shirt were now stained piss yellow and cool-aid pink. My fingers poked and scraped off the slime from my bare arms.

If you only would have waited, you could have put on the gear!

The guide comes over to me - a hazmat suit in hand: the headgear with plastic visor, the heavy rubber suit, the plastic fishing boots. I felt stupid for not having asked questions before diving into the meaty mess, but was releived that I came out relatevely unscathed - both physically and emotionally.

What I couldn't see could not hurt me - I was aware but not involved.
Made it out alive.
The mess didn't bother me - was just part of the experience.


what this means in relation to my life right now, I have yet to figure out.
To tell you the truth, I'm kind of afraid to go to sleep tonight without that hazmat suit.