doubt

A got another shot at the cover - he wants to do a marathon shoot/day on Thursday

I'm in a panic and am overwhelmed with doubt that I will be able to pull this off.

Sure, it's only one shot, but both of our names are on the line.

Sure, it's only one shot - but ask a photographer/cinematographer to light a scene with a mirror and I can guarantee you they will cringe/wince.

So as I type this, my desktop and surrounding areas are covered with sheets of paper - images and scribbles, lighting kits and rental agreements

I look to some old photography books for inspiration and see how "advanced" they are - multiple powerpacks (I have trouble operating one), scrim and grids, and I realize how woefully inexperienced my experience actually is, which gives me great cause for concern

The eternal "approaching 40 and what have you done with your life question"

I think that swimming in shark infested waters, tap dancing with some funky aqua fins might just not do the trick this time

every day has become a huge panic attack
and I don't even want to think about mom's doctor's appointment on friday when he discusses the test results of the last PET scan

God forbid it spread

We had such a wonderful afternoon - we ran around the city doing errands and helping me get some shit done.

I don't know what I'd do without her

and today I realized yet again how precious she is to me and how devastated I would be if I lost her to cancer too soon

but it's always too soon, isn't it?

And so I sit here, trying to type away my paranoia, my inadequacies, my insecurities, my worries, but it's not working as well as I hoped it would.

I don't even dare to re-read this post

lest I doubt myself even more than I already am at this point in time.