Cancer news update - They found some spots...

Cancer news update - They found some spots...
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty

We just got the news, and it's not as horrible as we had thought.

The doctors found a small spot on her lung and another on a lymph node, but her oncologist is confident that they are localized and can be removed with a minimally invasive procedure and can be done safely.

She's set to go into surgery in 2-6 weeks, and recovery time will be 7-10 days, with the regular 3 month PET scan as she is doing now.

She called me up and was almost giddy: I'm going to be sticking around for a bit longer -I'm not gonna die yet!

This morning, she was quite nervous, thinking when I come back to this car to drive home, will I have received my death sentence, or will I be able to breathe a sigh of relief?

Well, she's breathing easier. Surgery is still surgery, and the cancer has spread, but I think she's really got a fighting chance.

I know she has a fighting chance because she is a warrior.

God bless you mom.

increase

increase in blood pressure
tension
rent
worry

Got a letter in the mail - our piss ant landlord is raising the rent 50$ a month. He has not touched this crumbling house in 5 years - everything is falling apart - the roof is about to cave in, ceilings are cracked, mold in the bathroom, unfinished plaster jobs. It's a real mess, but it would cost us $3000 to move, so what do we do?

E is in Washington for another night which is a disappointment. I was hoping that he would be around for me the night before my mom gets her results from her PET scan.

I am seeing my head shrinker tomorrow - that won't be pretty. Hating this medication. My soul has turned into stone. I have no feeling whatsoever, just perpetually blank.

Have been dragging my ass to the gym on a regular basis and get no enjoyment from it whatsoever. Despite claims from others that I'll "feel better after some exercise", the only thing that happens is that I sweat like a skewered pig and ache for days.

God, I hate feeling this numb

Perhaps this is what "cutters" feel like, and whittle away at their flesh to remind themselves that they are human and can feel pain.

But I'm nowhere near that, and besides, I hate the sight of blood, despite my training as a medical photographer. Other people's I don't mind, but my own - ewwwe.

braving the bitter arctic blast to go the the gym again - jogging my way into oblivion

priorities

Last night, my mom came over for a photo shoot and it was awesome! We had such a good time - horsing around, trying to look glam. It lasted most of the afternoon into the evening - and then E made us a sumptuous Italian dinner with all the fixins. It really was a moment to remember.


I had asked her to pose for a photo event - an organization called "photosensitive" is doing an exhibition called "the cancer project" and who better to ask to me my model than my mom. I thought it would be such a wonderful cause and something to raise awareness, and would allow me to take some photos of her while she's still around (not that I'm thinking the worst, but I can't help it - paranoid me...) but how ironic that the deadline for submissions is the 28th of this month? Friday - the day she receives the results from her PET scan to see if the cancer has spread.

the last day of the shortest month of the year is going to feel like forever...

And today I got an email from the university. I had applied to their Masters Program in Photography. Sure, it was a long shot, but I thought that maybe I'd stand a chance.

Well, I guess I didn't. Was eliminated in the first round - not even an interview...
Pretty disappointed, but had told myself before hand: this would be the sign that would point me into the direction I need to go in the next 6 months - either back to academia, or on the road of the lonely artist struggling to find her way.

My question has been answered.

So onward and upward to the path of the unknown for so many reasons, and all I have to keep me company is my faith...

gymbo

I did it
braved the arctic blast, and made my way to the gym.
The first time in 2 1/2 years!

Pretty proud of myself, trying not to get disappointed because I didn't run the 5k in 25 minutes, leg press 150 pounds and bicep curl 20lbs (all of which I did when I was at my fittest 3 years ago). It's a tall order, but I'm not expecting to do this overnight - which is a good realistic expectation.

A little at a time -
that's what I can do for now.
and that's kinda okay.

Still have that nagging, scolding voice in the back of my head, reminding me of my past accomplishments, expecting not only to measure up, but surpass those "best" feats. Guess that will go away with some mental exercises.

I ran (well, walked briskly) for 25 minutes - getting my heart rate to about 126 (which I think is healthy for my age - now that I'm getting very scary close to 40). But the best part was something I considered a treat - a long lounge in the steam room, then into the sauna.

Somewhere in that sticky nostril hair burning heat, I find peace and quite. The thoughts slow down to a minute trickle and breathing becomes easier, less labored and longer.

So today I'm taking a rest just because I feel a little under the weather. The fact that the missing chunk inside of my cheek (ripped out during a delightful thai dinner last Friday) is burning and stinging every time my mouth moves doesn't help, but I think a nice soak would.

Letter from a little L

This is from my little cousin, the one who's mother (my aunt) died a few months ago. I emailed her a few days ago, apologizing for not emailing or calling her, explaining that I feared talking to her about her mother's cancer and death would make me think of my mom and her cancer. I was ready for either a nasty reprimand or no email at all, but instead I got this, and it melted my heart and lifted it to a sunny place in the sky. What wisdom. What insight.

I really am blessed to have people around me, in my life who can have this perspective on life and share it so freely with me.

Hey!

Dont worry about not calling. Its fine and it sounds like you have been going through ALOT. You need to get yourself better and think about the future, not what you have lost in the past. And for that matter, dont think about what you are going to loose in the future, cause you know what...we all have to go sometime. You, your mom, your dad, me....everyone. Its the shitty part of life, but there is nothing we can do.

One thing going through a death this close to me, has truly made me cherish every day, and enjoy every little shitty thing that each day may bring - cause you know what - its all an experience, good or bad. Yes I am bummed about my mom, yes it sucks she was so young, but you know what, she had a great 58 years, and she was thankful for that. In many ways, she kinda left this world on a high note, much like Seinfeld! I think about my friend Crystal who was 31, newly married with a 7 month old baby girl - now that is shitty. She had a lot of life left.

But here is my motto in regards to my mom: "we were dealt a shitty hand. and given the hand that we were dealt, it was best that she folded on her hand as soon as she did, as opposed to playing the game for longer, given the shitty hand." know what I mean? she was suffering, it was time. i miss her, but in so many ways i am glad she didn't suffer for years - no one deserves that.

I know alot of your problems and emotions are are medical etc...but truly, take it from me: life can be short, so try and make it the most positive experience that you can. Maybe look for another Dr., or try some herbal things out?

Little miss M [her 2 year old daughter] is doing really well. She is a doll, and keeps me going. I have changed so much because of her. I am sure your mom told me I am going to be a Montessori teacher! DOH! I think it will be great for me so that I can work the same time she will be in preschool. So no babysitters! I hear E's sister does the same - I would love to know what she thinks about it, and what her experiences have been.

Well...I gotta go make dinner for the troops. You take care of yourself, put a smile on and think of all the great things you have around you right now: family, friends, pets, sunny days, a great eye for photographing, and a cute little niece who would love to play again with you soon!

Ciao for now...and if you need to talk, you can call me too :)

Love,
Little mama L

fragment from letter to a friend...

I must read what I write
I must beleive in what I say
I must say what I read,
and write it enough times
that without a doubt it
becomes truth to me



Sometimes, I laugh at how wise I can be. Without evening thinking, insight like this just spews forth without hesitation, which is a good thing and need more of.

God bless this keyboard. My fingers are able to fire away as fast as my thoughts pop up.

(note, mom went for her PET scan today and gets the results on the 28th of this month. Please keep us in your prayers...)


My birthday is April 4th. How about that? I get to tell people that I was born only a few hours after martin luther king jr. was shot. E and I are planning to spend it in NYC. I have lots of friends down there, and I don't want to bring in 40 in my city that has given me nothing but the cold shoulder and foggy damp memories of a sorted and at times very painful life gone by. New York has embraced me, and I have embraced it. The only thing that hangs in the back of my mind is that my mom's cancer might have spread, and if it has, she'll have to undergo chemo, and I would feel completely guilty and saddened to be in nyc, on my 40th without her...

But I can't think like that.
I often feel paralyzed about the thought of cancer (my father's has come back as well) but in an odd and twisted way, it has forced me to try to stay in the moment. Live in the present and cherish the now. It's a new thing for me - as a melancholy dreamer , I often get snagged on memories and aspirations; but now am fighting my demons with hope and love, trying not to have 'regrets' about the things i chose to do, or be the person I want to be.

does that make sense?

bet you didn't think you'd have a long winded existential reply to a few simple questions did you? ;-)

Ahh, but you know me a little bit, so I guess somewhere, you knew I would.

Take care,

hpk

sold!

"It's A Cruel World - Look Good In It"
Originally uploaded by Tomitheos

Well, it's nice to say that I've sold two of my three pieces! (the black and white ones are not mine - as you can tell, my photos are much more cinematic and colorful...) The bottom one went to a lovely young woman who was lucky enough to nab it before the other interested buyers wanted it, and the one to the extreme left was sold in Detroit (although it was made in a smaller size and cheaper.) And I think that the top one might be sold - it's pending but I think my best friend T might want it, so I've reserved it for him.

What a great valentine's day present to receive news that I'm actually selling some prints!! Yahoo!

1/16 of my costs recuperated from printing, framing and shipping over the past 3 years!!

one potato, two potatoes

Thank you michael for the wonderful article ;-)


Tor Nørretranders on Permanent Reincarnation

I have changed my mind about my body. I used to think of it
as a kind of hardware on which my mental and behavioral
software was running. Now, I primarily think of my body as
software.

My body is not like a typical material object, a stable
thing. It is more like a flame, a river or an eddie.
Matter is flowing through it all the time. The constituents
are being replaced over and over again.

A chair or a table is stable because the atoms stay where
they are. The stability of a river stems from the constant
flow of water through it.

98 percent of the atoms in the body are replaced every
year. 98 percent! Water molecules stays in your body for
two weeks (and for an even shorter time in a hot climate),
the atoms in your bones stays there for a few months. Some
atoms stay for years. But almost not one single atom stay
with you in your body from cradle to grave.

What is constant in you is not material. An average person
takes in 1.5 ton of matter every year as food, drinks and
oxygen. All this matter has to learn to be you. Every year.
New atoms will have to learn to remember your childhood.

These numbers has been known for half a century or more,
mostly from studies of radioactive isotopes. Physicist
Richard Feynman said in 1955: "Last week's potatoes! They
now can remember what was going on in your mind a year
ago."

But why is this simple insight not on the all-time Top 10
list of important discoveries? Perhaps because it tastes a
little like spiritualism and idealism? Only the ghosts are
for real? Wandering souls?

But digital media now makes it possible to think of all
this in a simple way. The music I danced to as a teenager
has been moved from vinyl-LPs to magnetic audio tapes to
CDs to Pods and whatnot. The physical representation can
change and is not important — as long as it is there. The
music can jump from medium to medium, but it is lost if it
does not have a representation. This physics of information
was sorted out by Rolf Landauer in the 1960'ies. Likewise,
out memories can move from potato-atoms to burger-atoms to
banana-atoms. But the moment they are on their own, they
are lost.

We reincarnate ourselves all the time. We constantly give
our personality new flesh. I keep my mental life alive by
making it jump from atom to atom. A constant flow. Never
the same atoms, always the same river. No flow, no river.
No flow, no me.

This is what I call permanent reincarnation: Software
replacing its hardware all the time. Atoms replacing atoms
all the time. Life. This is very different from religious
reincarnation with souls jumping from body to body (and
souls sitting out there waiting for a body to take home
in).

There has to be material continuity for permanent
reincarnation to be possible. The software is what is
preserved, but it cannot live on its own. It has to jump
from molecule to molecule, always in carnation.

I have changed my mind about the stability of my body: It
keeps changing all the time. Or I could not stay the same.

It was a smash!

(exhausted and unedited...)

We got back yesterday afternoon and I actually woke up this morning with a smile on my face

The weekend was a smash - and keeping fingers crossed, I think I might have sold a piece along with meeting new friends and re-connecting with old ones.

It was a very nice time indeed.

Something that has been in short supply lately - but was welcomed with open arms


in short:
Friday we drove down - got up at 8am and hit the highway. Made a bunch of pit stops (medication augmentation side effect) but got into the city and missed the traffic - a sheer blessing

Ran to the hotel - ate, showered and then ran out again to the gallery opening.

It was at the Gladstone - a beautiful old restored hotel in downtown toronto. I was there this summer when my friend Stephanie had her photography work there as part of Contact. It's such a feather in my cap to be at that show, that location. As my friend Siobhan said: "all of who's who in the t.o art scene is here tonight - and that's a really good thing for you.."

We made our way around the show - lots of erotica. Lots and lots and to my surprise, 95% photography! It's usually the other way around - 95% everything else except photography and 5% pictures. There were lots of penis and breasts, but I think mine stood out because they were so subtle. Oddly enough, I was right across the wall from another self-portrait artist, but his stuff was huge and I do mean that in more ways than one...

So we schmoozed, hung out with Siobhan, (herself a curator) and then closed a deal on one of my photos. The organizers came up to me and said : I think somebody is interested in one of your photos to which I replied: Are you serious!!?? Send them over!

And so she came over to my photo - saying over and over again: "I just gotta have this photo! It's amazing!!". After a few glasses of wine, we became fast friends and she gave me the best advice on what kind of system I need to install to edit videos on my computer.

She ran around with e for a while too, while one of my old and best friends T came by with his friend. I was so happy to see T - and it was like we had seen each other just yesterday. We talked and watched other people look and talk about my photos (funny, I was a voyeur to my own work!) and he urged me to take it all in: "these people really love your stuff - look at them! K, you're famous!" The wine made me giddy and I found that to be the funniest thing since string cheese.


So we moved downstairs where the "gala" took place, hung out with some interesting peeps - and yes, I eventually eneded up meeting that gentleman photographer across the hall from my work. He was very shy and sweet, giving me his card (you're on flickr!) and blushing as I told him how amazing I thought his work was, and how courageous he was to "put it all out there".
After the night began to wind down, and realized that I had mixed wine and beer (a huge mistake) I said goodbye to the gang we made our way back to the hotel. Boy, was I in bad shape when I got back to the hotel - with the room was spinning and a mild panic attack setting in, E rubbed my back and calmed me down from the freak out, which was really quite sweet and endearing, cementing in my mind that this man really is a gem - 1 in a million!

Saturday was spent in bed - (at least I was in bed, under the sheets, head pounding but still a smile on my face) and from what we could salvage of the afternoon, spent 2nd hand bookstore shopping and then taking down my photos from the store.

"so how did you do? did you sell anything while your stuff was up here?" the sales associate asked me. Well, I didn't sell anything from the store show, but that didn't seem to bother me. I was 500 miles from home, and knew that somehow, this was a new beginning, a new chapter to my so called sorted artistic life.

I'm telling you - travel therapy is the way to go. I have to find a way to do this and get paid (or at least get my way paid) because it seems to be the thing that gets me out of my black hole at home.

Went for my acupuncture today - and for the first time in a long time, when Denis asked me how my week was, I smiled and said: it was good. It was very good...

a good wine

Hope in the year of the Pig

This is from a dear friend of mine who, last year, her whole life fell apart: a painful divorce, the death of her beloved dog, being fired from her job while struggling with her own personal mental and physical demons linked to depression, and then the death of her mother - all too soon. They had not spoken in years and only in the last month, did they connect. It was the saddest story I have heard in decades. If anybody I knew needed a break, she was at the top of my list.

But she is an amazing woman who has used photography as a tool for healing and exploring herself and the world around her. She is courageous, beautiful and full of life and hope. Her unwaivering support has been my lifeline across the country, and being able to meet her in 2005 was a blessing that I am forever thankful for.

And now, February 2008 sees her moving from Seattle to Texas to be with her soul mate. A new start, a new love, a new life.


I had emailed her, asking about hope, and how she has kept going in the face of such adversity and pain. This was her response.

Jen - you are one of the few bright lights in my life. Thank you for being there and good luck in this new beginning.


what takes the big pain away? for me it was hope. such a small thing, but with such huge implications. cause how do you have hope when you have been beaten so hard? you don't at first, of course. there's just something within that doesn't want to give up. so you try something small. you believe in a new connection, that it will provide some comfort. you believe that the $80 in tips you made the night before is due to your job well done, even if you still are shocked that all you were before is suddenly wiped clean and you have to start over. you believe that the smile someone gave you is a kindness, a gesture of support. you believe that when someone says they love you it's because you have worth, something special to offer. it's okay if you look for it outside yourself cause eventually you realize that it's all coming from you.

so that's it. when i really allow the pain to surface in order to process, i try to remember to allow the hope too. i don't always get it. in fact, i'm starting to see the whole thing as one big spiral where it all just loops around over and over. then having loved ones around that can you can manage reciprocation with only adds to the equation. give and take. take and give. round and round.

so it's okay if you can't be grateful right now.
take some of my hope if you can't manage your own.

luncheon

(unedited)
Hung out with my grandmother last night - the woman is 87 years old and still looks amazing. The people at the home love her to pieces - all coming in, giving her big hugs and kisses, smiling, waving, wishing her more happy years to come.

The best was when the head nurse came in holding an inflated latex glove tied around a straw with the words: "Happy birthday M.S"

"I just wanted to give you a little something to make you laugh" she said

M.S was short for Mother Superior, a joke name my grandmother gave to her when on her first day, she was given her medication. "Oh, Mother superior says I have to take my meds already? Oh, okay. You don't argue with her!"

Now they call her mother superior!

What a beautiful and tender moment - that really made me smile, and despite her saying that she would'nt be needing the jewelery soon, that she was going "far far away", she wore them proudly and eloquently. Sharp as a nail she is - and I'm happy to say I come from that pedigree.

So that made for a nice night because I was really getting down - this lifted my spirits.



but today - same old

saw my doctor

how do you feel?
like shit
what would you like to do?
You tell me, you're the one with the prescription pad...


lists upon lists of drugs, their side effects, classes, rates of effectiveness

I guess we go for the upping of the mood stabilizer
but I also suggest you think about the other one
oh, the "anti-psychotics"?

Euuh
just saying that word gave me the chills


Those are heavy duty drugs, and the mere thought of me taking them, in the other half of my troubled mind says: this proves that you are a freak

but am I really?
I don't feel like one
but many people have told me that I am
whether or not they were joking or serious makes me now start to wonder.

A strange thing has happened - I seem to be trying to fight my own self-imposed stigma about taking drugs for my manic-depression.

could it be all in my mind?

I know it's not - saw the actual MRI where the little lights flash off and on in certain parts of my brain when they shouldn't be, was walked through the description of chemical imbalance and misfiring neurons by esteemed psychiatrists, and was told by them that this is indeed, a chemical imbalance.

If somebody was diabetic, would you ask them to "snap out of it?" a compassionate doctor once asked me.


I guess not
or would I?


Walked downtown for some retail therapy. Got the "drivers instruction manual" and am determined to get my license this year - no question. Past 40 and no license just screams fear for me. It was hard not to walk by the "self - help" section, to glance at "managing your bi-polar mind" and something about "mothers and daughters - when your parent dies".

Goddam it. She's still around! Why are you looking at those things?
in preparation?

Lame ass excuse for being morbid perhaps


Then thought that since I was nearby, a call to mom would be nice - so that's what I did.

I don't know how she does it - calm, even keeled (when she's not stressed about work, but in that concrete jungle (literally) who isn't?) and in good humor despite her condition.
However she does it, I didn't question too much, just enjoyed her company and the fact that she was being "my mom" - listening to me, telling me things would be okay, giving me the unconditional support and love only a mom could give.

We lunched at a very chi-chi restaurant in the ground floor of the museum, ate strange artistic looking sprouts on our plates, sipped some cafe au lait and had a few laughs.

The kind of therapy I needed.

Before she left I gave her a big hug and told her that I loved her so very much.
You can never tell your mother enough times how much you love her


One stop on my way home was into the Hallmark store. I felt bad for not calling my cousin again after her mother (my aunt died) in October. Perhaps calling her and asking how she is dealing with things makes me more aware that both sisters had cancer, one is gone, and the other is still around, but maybe, not for too much longer, and that I will be in her shoes - dealing with the grief, loss and hole in her heart. Distance sometimes is a good thing, but then it can be a bad thing.

Picked up a sympathy card and will send it tomorrow - will try to explain myself, why I've been hiding, try to explain my fears and my unconditional support that will always be there because we were so close, and that even though she lives across the country, I am just a phone call away.

life is strange
so is death
but let's not go there right now
let's just enjoy the luncheon we had
no use in *'pre-grieving'

*that is a new emotion that I'm struggling with...

write what I feel

I write what I feel
I feel it's important to share what is going on
The importance of knowing the signs and symptoms of bi-polar are the first step in recognizing and treating the disease, hopefully making people more aware that "being bi-polar" is not something you can just "snap out of".
The signs and symptoms are often dramatic, bleak and not very pretty, nothing about bi-polar is
Recognizing this is a path to personal awareness and for anybody who is an artist, integral to the creation of that art

My photography says what words cannot - a different language in a different medium

Stimulate me

Despite my doctor's comments about not having 'exhausted all the chemical possibilities" for my manic/depression, I am seriously considering this as a possibility. There is one doctor in Quebec who preforms this surgery...

FDA approves brain stimulator for depression

Associated Press

WASHINGTON -- The U.S. government on Friday approved a new therapy for the severely depressed who have run out of treatment options: a pacemaker-like implant that sends tiny electric shocks to the brain.

The Food and Drug Administration's clearance opens Cyberonics Inc.'s vagus nerve stimulator, or VNS, as a potential treatment for an estimated 4 million Americans with hard-to-treat depression — despite controversy over whether it's really been proven to work.

"These are patients pretty much at the end of the line in terms of what treatment options are available to them," said FDA medical device chief Dr. Daniel Schultz, who said he personally was persuaded by Cyberonics' research despite initial skepticism within his agency.

The pacemaker-like implant has been sold since 1997 to control intractable epilepsy, a much smaller market.

A generator the size of a pocket watch is implanted into the chest. Wires snake up the neck to the vagus nerve, delivering tiny electric shocks through that nerve and into a region of the brain thought to play a role in mood.

Cyberonics began a 200-patient study to see whether VNS could treat depression patients not adequately helped by other therapies. An FDA review last year found no difference after three months of implant treatment. Cyberonics argued that a year later, a significant number of the VNS recipients had had their depression ease.

That yearlong follow-up hadn't been done according to standard scientific procedures — it wasn't a randomized controlled study — and thus critics questioned its validity.

Cyberonics continued to track the VNS recipients, and two years later a third of patients in the original study had experienced some response and between 17 percent and 20 percent were in remission, Schultz said, evidence he ultimately found persuasive.

Still, critics have complained that without a comparison group, it's unclear if the implant really helped or the depression eased for some other reason.

Schultz said there are some safety warnings. The chief risk: More than half of patients in the depression study experienced at least temporary voice alterations — a hoarseness or raspiness, or voice "breaks" — that seem to persist in a significant number, he said.

Other complications include difficulty breathing or swallowing, he said. Deaths have been reported among some epilepsy patients who have a VNS implant, but Schultz said there was no sign of increased deaths in the depression study.

ancient chinese secret

went for a walk this afternoon, dragged myself out of my warm art deco dark wood cocoon

walked around aimlessly

wandered off to the liquor commission to see if I could find some vintage tawny port

walked past the market

walked into the Pharmacy R' Us (that place is my pharmaceutical play land)
spent 20$ on bath soaks and face masks - individual packets for my many moods

walked up the street to the Chinese grocery store
looked at all the strange "jelly" flavored cakes, cookies, and then actually "salted jellyfish"

walked past the stinky fish on display, slit open between piles of shaved pink ice
took a detour into the "dried things" isle and stood in front of the 1001 varieties of tea

The saying: "there is not enough tea in china to..." sums up the sheer mind boggling array of this beverage known to this part of the world. What I saw was only a nano-twig of it.

slimming tea, tea with catnip, tea from shitake mushrooms, white tea, green tea, gunpowder tea. Keeping in mind this was not one of those fancy pancy 'tea rooms' with ornate silver canisters doubling as decorations/ornamentations, I knew not to look for the more exotic teas such as the little flower buds that open up after a quick steep (but end up tasting like wet socks once you get to the bottom of the cup...) or my fave - dragon pearl tea so I stuck with looking for some interesting white. Found some in a nice little white tin box, wisps of Fujian mountains in the distance.

Ahh - a moment of tea.

walked back home, took out my cast iron teapot, threw in some leaves, waited 5 minutes and sat down to relax. Knowing that my mind trifecta would begin around 7pm, took 4 orange tablets of Anmien Pien.

My acupuncturist says it works - I trust him with those needles and my health/sanity.

We'll see what happens
see if I can walk away from this madness...

syphoned

So the shoot went incredibly well - the magazine adored the cover. A & I had made some of our best art since the bathroom shoot last year (or was it two years already?) I'm very happy and relieved that I was able to make this possible for him. It was actually more important for me to have him be a success than it was for me to make those pictures good for myself.


How can that be?

To tell you the truth, I'm sick of this shit, not getting paid to do photos - I only do it for A because he is a dear friend and if he asked me to give him my left leg, I'd give him both just in case he needed them. There are very few people in my life I would be that selfless with, he is one of them.

But this photography thing for free has to stop. It's making me sick inside - I am expending so much energy and effort with no gain. And with the impending bankruptcy looming over my head, I need money.

I guess it doesn't help that I sold NOTHING in Toronto. 20 pieces (some at rock bottom bargain WalMart prices).

nothing

And after that interview with the film production company - nothing
the other long correspondences with other galleries, contacts - nothing

It's all getting too much, and maybe the strain on my seams of sanity are beginning to show, but there is only so much any human being can take until they have to walk away from the pain and suffering

and my art is giving me pain and suffering

I'm past suffering for my art - my art is making me ill and perhaps it's time to give it up



This depression - it's so overwhelming, it grabs you, suffocates you. I have no strength for anything else.



I'm lost
I'm afraid...