I must read what I write
I must beleive in what I say
I must say what I read,
and write it enough times
that without a doubt it
becomes truth to me
Sometimes, I laugh at how wise I can be. Without evening thinking, insight like this just spews forth without hesitation, which is a good thing and need more of.
God bless this keyboard. My fingers are able to fire away as fast as my thoughts pop up.
(note, mom went for her PET scan today and gets the results on the 28th of this month. Please keep us in your prayers...)
My birthday is April 4th. How about that? I get to tell people that I was born only a few hours after martin luther king jr. was shot. E and I are planning to spend it in NYC. I have lots of friends down there, and I don't want to bring in 40 in my city that has given me nothing but the cold shoulder and foggy damp memories of a sorted and at times very painful life gone by. New York has embraced me, and I have embraced it. The only thing that hangs in the back of my mind is that my mom's cancer might have spread, and if it has, she'll have to undergo chemo, and I would feel completely guilty and saddened to be in nyc, on my 40th without her...
But I can't think like that.
I often feel paralyzed about the thought of cancer (my father's has come back as well) but in an odd and twisted way, it has forced me to try to stay in the moment. Live in the present and cherish the now. It's a new thing for me - as a melancholy dreamer , I often get snagged on memories and aspirations; but now am fighting my demons with hope and love, trying not to have 'regrets' about the things i chose to do, or be the person I want to be.
does that make sense?
bet you didn't think you'd have a long winded existential reply to a few simple questions did you? ;-)
Ahh, but you know me a little bit, so I guess somewhere, you knew I would.
Take care,
hpk
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