syphoned

So the shoot went incredibly well - the magazine adored the cover. A & I had made some of our best art since the bathroom shoot last year (or was it two years already?) I'm very happy and relieved that I was able to make this possible for him. It was actually more important for me to have him be a success than it was for me to make those pictures good for myself.


How can that be?

To tell you the truth, I'm sick of this shit, not getting paid to do photos - I only do it for A because he is a dear friend and if he asked me to give him my left leg, I'd give him both just in case he needed them. There are very few people in my life I would be that selfless with, he is one of them.

But this photography thing for free has to stop. It's making me sick inside - I am expending so much energy and effort with no gain. And with the impending bankruptcy looming over my head, I need money.

I guess it doesn't help that I sold NOTHING in Toronto. 20 pieces (some at rock bottom bargain WalMart prices).

nothing

And after that interview with the film production company - nothing
the other long correspondences with other galleries, contacts - nothing

It's all getting too much, and maybe the strain on my seams of sanity are beginning to show, but there is only so much any human being can take until they have to walk away from the pain and suffering

and my art is giving me pain and suffering

I'm past suffering for my art - my art is making me ill and perhaps it's time to give it up



This depression - it's so overwhelming, it grabs you, suffocates you. I have no strength for anything else.



I'm lost
I'm afraid...