terrified, panic stricken and discouraged - could catholic guilt be to blame? V4

That is how I'm feeling now
along with deflated and worn

drove today
had a different instructor

was she better or worse than the last one?

Well, just different degrees of worse and better

I was hoping for a young even keeled zen master female, but instead I got an older hicktown hillbilly woman who spoke with a thick accent, threw lots of slang around, messing up my internal translation system and used her passenger break enough to freak me out and doubt my driving skills.

a lot

rush hour is not the best place to take a student who is learning how to drive - at least not until they have mastered the art of lane changes, and I'm far from that yet.

so imagine my horror when we were confronted by surprise construction sites/obstacles that seemed to fall out of the sky, forcing me to come to a screeching halt in the middle of rush hour traffic, blocking up the stream behind me like an angry constipated mule, people whizzing by, waving their hands up in the air, wondering what the hell I was doing on the road in the first place, and then me trying to merge into an oncoming traffic stream that was relentless in it's force - a metal tsunami on wheels.

I think that by having the sign on the car screaming out in bold letters "DRIVING SCHOOL - STUDENT AT THE WHEEL" saved me from getting my head punched in from irate drivers.

seriously...

and after two hours, I wondered why the hell I would even want to put myself through more torture.

and we have not even tried to go on the highway yet

I will need a whole truckload of ativan to get me through that lesson (which it seems like I will have to take an extra one or two cause I'm nowhere near ready to do that now)

Terrified, panic stricken and discouraged, I pulled into the school parking lot and almost wept my eyes out, but they were too tired from scanning and avoiding possible oncoming collisions.

My next lesson is tomorrow. Too soon for my liking but to change it would mean a 60$ penalty, and I need that cash to put towards more self inflicted torture behind the wheel.


"You always think that you are at fault, that you don't have the right of way - but in fact, you do, and you hesitate to take charge of those opportunities to change lanes/pass cars"

Ha.
Talk about my f*cken catholic guilt coming to the surface.


Even when I'm driving, I feel as if I am in the wrong, that because I'm a lowly inexperienced driver, I'm beneath the other more experienced drivers and therefore, should honor my superiors, and humble myself, take responsibility for messing up/causing accidents etc.

how completely insane is that?

Going to see the life coach on Thursday - will be sure to dig into that unholy closet of ghosts to work on this vice.

oh bloody hell...

yea, bloody hell is where my guilt should go and should stay.