my photography...

Hi K, I believe that your work shows that photography is not always pleasant to look at but that we need to see things to be able to appreciate how other people are experiencing their lives. Keep up the brilliant work.


best wishes, 
Roger



Wow.
What a compliment.

I just got this from somebody who saw my work on artween.com.

I have my blue series up there, and a bunch of other stuff that is not "beautiful" or "sexy", and that is just fine by me.

My photography is a tool for healing, education, teaching, and sharing.

I'm happy that it has touched somebody's life.

And that's what it's all about...

the great expedition

I'm a broken woman.
Sobbing has become as natural and as involuntary as breathing.

The waiting is excruciating.
After countless calls to his secretary, nurse and his office, gastro doc has not returned any of my calls. Yes he is the head of gastric surgery now, but he has always been responsive in the past. Aside from showing up with my insides bleeding and oozing from my eyes, perhaps my only other option is to show up inside out.

I hope they are not mining for tumors, but the possibility is very real and very there...



* a few hours later...


gastro doc's secretary has just called me. She assured me that "we are going to get to the bottom of this", and that if a) his resident can't see me, then they would fax the requisition to the private clinic (colon and gastroscopy) but as I had emphasized, that if the pain got bad, then I would go through the emergency.

That means I have to talk to specialist doctor # 2. Another area completely but just as serious.

I told gastro doc's secretary: "in an ideal scenario, I could have the laparoscopy and both scopes done all at once. We shall see.

but at this point, I am on multiple pain killers and nothing is working.

Ah perchance to sleep, but unless I can remove the rest of my body from the neck down, I'm out of luck...

Because I still struggle with this...

as promised, and long overdue, my first sound 16mm student film. I made this during the first year of (my 2nd degree) Film Production specialization in what is now called the Mel Hoppenheim school of cinema.

The sound is crap, i know. The picture is shitty but the idea is there and for now,

that is all that matters...

(tip - click on the little square between the bars and the "Vimeo" logo". This way you can see it larger, which is better...)


Clair Obscure - a visual autobiography from Kathy Slamen on Vimeo.

I did everything here, aside from act.

That is my voice you hear. This is my experience you are seeing.

My professor warned me about the pitfalls about making a film on mental illness, because it was a complicated subject, and because i was a rookie, there was a fine line that needed to be balanced upon - because too serious or too light and the message would not come across as intended. I'd either end up with a bad comedy or a bad horror film.

But i was determined, and for 6 months of my life, i was this film in ever sense of the word. And my professor as well as a few close friends and family believed in me when nobody else did. And the day i had my final "rough cut", 12 people were stunned silent for minutes as they absorbed the film they just saw.

And this film has gone on to touch lives, win awards and open minds to what is the major leading cause of illness next to cancer - mental illness.

After the past two years of my public struggle with manic depression, the urgency to put this film "out there" and embark on a new project has come, but I have to lay the foundations first.

This film has already won numerous awards, brought many people to tears, but in the end, it was about sharing my story with the world, and i think that after all is said and done, perhaps this is my purpose in life - to illuminate, educate and reach out to those who are familiar and not so familiar with this disease.

So the next time somebody says that mental illness is not real, tell them from somebody who suffers from it - mental illness is a cancer of the mind and spirit.

it's real, and this film and i are living proof...

i am the little filmmaker that could...

in the words of a desperate and despondent woman..

I got an email from one of my new docs.

he has a long complicated last name, so everybody calls him Dr. K

in the words of a desperate and despondent woman, can you please help me?

i was in tears when I wrote that, so fed up from getting the run around, no replies to my phone calls - in general, making my way through the medical system has been hell...

but a ray of light

no problem HPK, we will see you this Wednesday


Dr. 

one step at a time.

That's one doctor on board for problem # 1
waiting for doctor number two about problem # 2

seeing my head shrinker the same day as Dr. K., 2 hours later.
Thank God they are in the same hospital. I hope psyhc doc is as willing to help me much as Dr K.


f and t's crossed...

between a rock and a cancerous hard place...

High grade precancerous cells on cervix -  3 times


total hysterectomy + no cervix = no cervical cancer.


but


"Your risk of vaginal cancer increases following a hysterectomy." **


life between a rock and a cancerous hard place...



and that still doesn't answer the question to medical mystery problem # 2...



life as me - fun isn't it?

it just does not stop...

I'm cursed.

This shit does not stop.

Went to see my doc the other day.
She wants to send me to another specialist. As soon as possible.
Our insurance is already maxed out from 4 ultrasounds, two specialized tests and one MRI. This is going to bankrupt us. And we are not even in the U.S!!

wtf?

nice to have money it would be...


but we don't and that's the reality.

Nobody in their right mind would hire me now. I'm sick too often, and mom has been in and out of hospitals for years. I need to take care of her if she needs me.

I need to take care of myself.

Another shocker, the doctor told me: "we might have to look into this radical surgical procedure in the near future. You did have problems in the past..."

I almost cried on the spot.

I went home and cried like a baby for hours and hours.

This would totally be a lifestyle change.
No more running or any strenuous activity. Ever again...
Not to mention 3-4 months rehabilitation time...


going to be 42 on april 4th.

Happy fucken birthday to me.

This year started off in the hospital, i wonder where i will spend my birthday?

I have tried to call my other doctor (yet another bodypart gone bad) and he has yet to return my calls.

nothing.

Waiting and waiting.

I have waited 3 months in severe pain and will have to wait another one to see anybody. And this after being put standby on a cancelation list.

I'm so fed up. Ultimately fed up and let down.
And oh yea, did I mention that I'm bipolar as well?

Times like this i wish I had just taken the leap into the unknown so many years ago. Ended it all. One last breath and no more pain.

regret is a dangerous thing.
Almost as dangerous as suicide...

Really. I mean, really!?!?

Really. I mean REALLY?
You got to give me a fucken break...

this just goes to show you that being an actual "skilled photographer" these days means absolute shit. Any kid can pick up a digital camera and call themselves "an artist".


case in point...
this person got the People's choice award.

I know this person and must say that it's a shame that he did not get the top prize.
This man is brilliant. He is a male Cindy Sherman. All those people in the photo? All him. I was lucky enough to meet 2Fik and must say, that it won't be long before his work will be at the Centre Pompidou in France.

but that other person?
REALLY?!?!
I mean, wtf?

I was sooo utterly discouraged when i saw that.
Seems like my "blue series" that i submitted did not even make a blip on the radar.

Photography, is now becoming even more like show business. It's not what you do, it's who you know. It's not about skill but the right way to market yourself to the right people.

What's next? a 7 year old who takes the world by storm with her 'brilliant self portraits"?

"oh, i was bored and daddy left his camera behind when he went to work. I just pressed a few buttons, and I made some pretty pictures..."

Time to hang up my camera.
Seriously.


I have no strength to fight this shit anymore.
It's a lose lose battle.

Things just keep on getting worse.

e was on his way to pay his license and registration.
he got nabbed by the cops at random.
400$ ticket, plus 350$ for the registration he was just about to pay.

and that is just the most recent bad luck this poor boy has had.

when it rains...

When you think things can't get any worse, they usually do...

I'm too sick to work. We have no money.
The sky is falling and i have a hole in my umbrella.

take me away...

Haitian art fun

somebody put a $10 bid on my photo.
What a surprise that was.
I was not expecting anything at all.


anything I can get for my art these days (attention wise) is a bonus.

I'm thinking of hanging up my camera for a while. Along with my writing cap, and rest of my tools of the trade.



Life has become overwhelming. The pain and ache of regret and sadness is suffocating me. Lead feet, alcaline mind, eyes suspended in acid. My medications have once again, begun to crap out on me.

Bipolar is not a myth.
Bipolar is not something one can "just snap out of"
Bipolar is my mental cancer.

Depression actually kills your heatlhy braincells.

Cancer of the mind...


and the medical mystery lives on.
The pain - two months and still no answers.
Go ahead, cut me open and poke around my insides.

I'm already bedridden most of the time, so this will be a walk in the park compared to what I've been through...

Something you need to know...

What you need to know.
What i'm going through is real.
It's pain, it's horror, it's fear and hopelessness.

It's real and if I could possibly have any wish is that everybody on the planet who says that "bipolar illness isn't real" have one day in my shoes during one of my worst episodes.

But I know that will never happen, so it remains my mission to give a shout out whenever I can. To educate the ignorant and to shout at those who choose to feign  hearing loss.


It's All in Your Head And Other Thoughtless Things Said!
By Marcia Purse


How often have you been accused of whining or being a hypochondriac? Do people think you are just a complainer, an attention-seeker, when depression makes it difficult for you to cope with daily life? Are you told that "there is absolutely nothing wrong with you?" Do people tell you to "get over yourself?" I am sure that everyone with bipolar disorder has had those completely thoughtless things said which we can quote verbatim 5, 10 and even 30 years down the road.

Sometimes those with whom we interact can be narrow minded and cutting. And for every person who says something deliberately hurtful to a person with mental illness, there are a dozen who say things thoughtlessly or out of ignorance. Unfortunately, regardless of intent, words wound, fester and scar.

The following is a short list of things people say that are often intended to be helpful, but are actually tactless. Perhaps these will better equip you to respond to the thoughtless comments and to illustrate the need for each of us to better think through our word choices.

What was said: It's all in your head. You are a hypochondriac.
What may have been perceived: You are either completely deluded or making an excuse for poor behavior in order to get my sympathy. I don't believe in that psychiatric mumbo jumbo. I don’t believe that you actually have a real illness.
The Fallacy: Mental health problems are the result of a character flaw or weak personality. Mental illnesses are not real diseases.
The Facts: Bipolar Disorder is a medical illness with a physical cause probably rooted in structural or biochemical abnormalities in the brain. In short, it is very real, just like diabetes or heart disease.

What was said: We all go through times like this.
What was perceived: You are overreacting. Stop making mountains out of molehills. You can't handle life as well as I can.
The Fallacy: Everyone has the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.
The Facts: An article by David A. Kahn, M.D., and colleagues entitled Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families1 offers an excellent perspective for addressing this fallacy. "We all experience a variety of moods -- happiness, sadness, anger, to name a few. Unpleasant moods and changes in mood are normal reactions to everyday life, and we can often identify events that caused our mood to change. However, when we experience mood changes or extremes that are out of proportion to events or come 'out of the blue' and make it hard to function, these changes may be due to a mood disorder."

What was said: Just shake it off.
What was perceived: You've created this problem for yourself, so just get over it and move on. I am out of patience with you. Don't bother me with this again.
The Fallacy: Everyone can and should control their emotions.
The Facts: Bipolar disorder is a medical condition. Those with this disorder can no more snap out of it or shake it off then those with a broken leg.

What was said: He must be demon possessed.
What was perceived: I am righteous. You are not. Everyone who believes in God is perfect and does not struggle in life. You are a sinner and got what you deserved.
The Fallacy: Bipolar Disorder is the result of misconduct.
The Facts: Bipolar disorder is not your fault. It is not the result of something you did or didn’t do. "Bipolar disorder has no single proven cause, but research suggests the illness is due to abnormalities in the way some nerve cells in the brain function or communicate." (Kahn et al, 2004).

Sources:
Kahn, D.A., Keck, P.E., Perlis, R.H., Otta, M.W., & Ross, R. (2004). Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families2.

O Canada

I have always loved watching the olympics, but this year, it was different. Not only did i swell with pride every time a medal was won by a fellow Canadian, but a whole nation did with me as well.

14 GOLD medals.
Congratulations brave and brilliant athletes!
My home and native land has become a happier place to be...