Day 2 of Action Theater

Exhaustion
but in a good way.
Too wiped to collect my thoughts, but i'm taking notes as we learn in class.

2mrw - going to a bbf's house to shoot her being a ghost in the home that held her when she got married, then divorced, and then married in again. It's up for sale and completely empty, Except for the memories which we will exercise as the sun goes down.

I told her to get a few boxes of kleenex.


Shift is taking place.
New people coming into my life, they are replacing the ones that are leaving.

like attracts like -
putting out the unconditional love and acceptance.
Seems to be working wonders.

Still rough - change of seasons brings on the layers of melancholy, but i'm pushing through.
This year is almost over.
New beginnings on the horizon.
I can see them.
I can smell them.

Like home made apple pie on a blustery winter day.

Home...

Something is broken. And I can't help but feel that it is beyond repair...

Raw

Raw from the inside

Cold on the outside

Cryogenic preservation of the

Persistence of my memory

Now lost in melancholy 

Without a door to escape

From this cold on the inside

Raw surrounding the outside.

Action theater day 1 of 5

Day 1

What I learned in improv today?

Always say yes. 

The eyes are so important to communication and understanding. The eyes will convey that information through intention.

It’s harder to gauge what your partner is experiencing, feeling when you can’t see their eyes.

The movement will tell you who you are.

The difference between attitude and feeling:
 Attitude is an idea placed on action. It’s a mental assignment.

Feelings are a direct manifestation of the sensory system. An expression of that particular sensory experience.

It’s important to honestly respond from moment, to moment, to moment to fully experience life.

The vast possibility of mind states of the body induces a “self aware being”.

States of mind are like mercury - we don’t exist in a flat, static plane.

Language:


Look at how we do what we do, what we say the way we say it. Volume, pitch, phrasing - deconstruct the way we “normally speak”. 

Examine the way we create and flow with a narrative.

Climb into the sound - that voice will determine the narrative.

The more you follow the sound, the more you become the ‘character’ of the sound

.

Step out of yourself when you speak to others.

Go into somebody’s mouth as much as you can. Get intimate with the possibilities. Pitch, sound, breath.

Engage your partner in a “live pause”.

How willing are we to inhabit our voice? 

The formation of sound creates us - the voice itself reconfigures the whole DNA system.

Abstraction of words/language that follow the voice:

There is tension between desire and cultural compulsion to articulate our words so that we can be understood. 

There is a disintegration of how we hold on to our prescribed way of behaving. In improv, its all about release, obliteration and freedom.

Its easy for us to fall back on what worked for us in the past - the fear of disintegration is what keeps us from exploring new possibilities.

star bright

My view of the sky this morning as reflected in a puddle...

I am sitting in the middle of a huge log cabin home - 20+ foot ceilings, the roar of a beautiful fire, rock crystal lamps delicately soften the warm air, friends sit quietly in loving silence nearby, and the sky clouded over, until a minute in time when i was able to go out and see it appear between a tufted pocket of ink jet clouds.

O came out to get me and A:
"if you come now, you'll see the Orion in the sky. It's incredible!"

And as i ran out to the wet slick balcony in bare feet, the cold jolted through my bones with rabid ferocity.

Then, I looked up and, as if by magic, the pain was gone...


"in constellation of Orion is a nebula called N42- a star nursery. See how it looks like it's pulsing? Right now,  new stars are being created."


That is what a nebula really is.
This very second.

Millions of light years of cosmic force hitting our eye.
Old stars dying, new stars being born. Now
And now.
and now...

How incredible is that?

And as i stood outside in the most profound silence of a deep woods night, I realized that every minute is a new beginning. We are constantly in a state of new beginnings.

And into this moment of creation that i shall move, knowing I'm begin guided by a interstellar muse from the distant heavens...

Constellation of Orion by Nasa

living in the duality that is the now

I AM AND AM NOT



I'm swimming
in the flood
which has yet to come

I'm shackled
in the prison
which has yet to be built

I am the checkmate
in a future game of chess

I'm drunk with your wine
which remains untasted

I'm slain on a battlefield
of long ago

I don't
know the difference
between idea and reality

Like a shadow
I am
and am not. 

~Rumi

Commit to your choices, how ever bizarre and strange they may be and your mind will support those choices as you move into your character...

What did l learn in Improv class today?
Mind blowing shit.
Seriously - i have to get enough improv experience to teach this stuff to the world.
It has changed my life and i know it can change other people's as well!


So tonight, i am high on the experience of being absolutely and totally free for two hours of bliss.
I spent 20 minutes rambling into my iphone only to realize that the flipping thing did not record a bit or byte of my soulful musings about this form of acting. And at this point, i'm way too exhausted to even articulate properly what happened to me in those 120 minutes of heaven, but i will leave you with this.


Commit to your choices, however bizarre and strange they may be,  and your mind will support those choices as you move into your character.


What does that mean in real life applications?

Whatever you dream, do it.
And it will happen.

I am a firm believer in this right now. And as i move into this bold new exciting stage in my life, i have faith that the universe will provide exactly what i need at any given time. I have survived cancer scares, car accidents, suicides, divorces, breakups, moves, job losses - and in each of those times, i survived. I never ended up on the street, without food, without money, without love. Knock on wood, but i think that i will survive again. And dear reader, please know, you will too :-)


If i have a last bit of energy, i will record my rant in the morning. It was quite uplifting actually :-)

God closes a door, but always opens a window. Go thru that window...

“For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.

From within, I couldn't decide what to do.

Unable to see, I heard my name being called.

Then I walked outside.” 

― Rumi, Open Secret: 

Versions of Rumi

Drummondtown!

Who would have thought that a place that I said in passing a few weeks ago and a friend suggested would be the hub of some important activity that has and might actually change even more the course of my life?!

Going to Drummondtown (actually drummondville) to do some behind the scenes shooting. I've been given carte Blanche to shoot "the making of". Very exciting.

But of all places we had to pick, was Drummonville. Like seriously?

There are no things as coincidences - so I have been told. And I'm beginning up believe it!

full moon eclipse fever - hold onto your hats, and sanity...

Full moon - and a lunar eclipse.

Double whammy.

Yikes...

I don't know about you dear reader, but i am highly sensitive to the moon's gravitational pull. Not to mention that i'm rounding PMS chaosville. This could spell trouble in the mental wellness department.

Right now as the world continues its roller-coaster ride of change, you may be feeling dizzy or unsettled by the uncertainty that naturally accompanies times of great shifting.

I'm trying to stay grounded. As much as i can, aside from sticking my head beneath the floorboards of my house. And its not easy with all that is going on around me - writing gigs on the horizon, films, acting opportunities, improv shows. Very exciting stuff and it's easy to get carried away with the potential of the potential fabulousness factor, but i really think that all these "trials" are happening to test my patience, willpower and sanity.

It seems that change is in the air - I'm not the only one sensing "the shift": a fundamental alteration of energy and attitude. Once again, some people are more sensitive than others to this "shift" and some people might consider change in general as a natural side effect of our ongoing personal evolution.  But there are some people who will resist this movement tooth and nail. Screaming all the way. 

Even though as a divine changemaker you are naturally wired to want change, you may reject it as it arrives on your doorstep. Your rejection may be conscious, like when you see a shift coming and then feel unprepared to handle it, so delay taking action. Other times, you may unconsciously reject change, your fear of the unknown so buried within that you simply aren’t aware of it.

This dynamic of simultaneously wanting and rejecting something is not new. It’s part of your conditioning to sabotage yourself with this dualistic approach. What’s different now is that your conditioning has become such a big handicap that you are unable to successfully navigate these rocky times. This means that you have unneeded stresses, delays, and missed opportunities.

Why This Dilemma Matters More Now

You were handicapped in earlier times, too, but your dilemma is more problematical now – it simply matters more as you strive for balance and seek to express your soul’s purpose. Deep within you, there’s likely a feeling of increased urgency now, in part because you have more awareness of being stuck. In fact, a trapped feeling on some days could be so overwhelming that you feel frozen to act on what you know.

The planetary cycles of these times accentuate the pace of revolutionary shifting – for the world and for you personally. Unfinished business not yet looked at will be coming into view. Unworkable ways of being and outmoded systems will continually come up for review. The unfinished and the unworkable will not disappear until addressed.

Feeling stuck is toxic.

it's a slow existential cancer that proliferates deep into the tissue of our being. And like a cancer, it is a challenge to overcome, if one chooses to overcome. Or one can choose to succumb to the disease. 

Not everybody is prepared for the journey - actually, we never really are.  Thinking about any given worst-case scenario used to be an evolutionary caveat that was necessary to our survival. But we have access to technology, to knowledge, to science. We no longer rely on the will of the Gods to cast our fate. We learned how to make our own.

But somewhere in the learning, we became lazy, and complacent. 

Content and passive. 

You know this is happening and you understand that you are alive now to help facilitate the changes. You cannot forget what you know. Your dilemma is your conditioned resistance to change and your impatience with yourself as you make your own needed changes.

Over the next several weeks, you will benefit from putting extra energy into staying centered and nonreactive. You will want to take a closer look at how you live your life. This includes an honest assessment of the health of your key relationships. Since planetary cycles will catalyze unaddressed issues, a proactive approach will help you to smooth the ride.

One of my biggest issues is that I am totally "reactive". Being an intuitive, it's hard for me not to "feel first" and ask questions later. But alas, this is my lesson. 

Patience. 

I can't force a bloom, i can't hurry a death. 

It will all happen in it's own time. 

Which usually, is not my time. 

It's the universe's time.

Lunar Eclipse – Planetary Catalyst of Change

Planetary catalysts of change include the October 18 lunar eclipse. You may have intense feelings around the time of such an eclipse, wanting to do something brand new or perhaps wanting to undo something you started earlier. Go gently with yourself and others, as both feelings and situations may be magnified.

There is a full moon the day of the eclipse, too, so this may amplify things even more. Step back long enough for your spiritually grounded wisdom to reveal most appropriate actions.

Adding to the current intensity is the mercury retrograde of October 21 to November 10. This one may be more erratic than the previous two this year, in part because of the accelerated pace of global revolution. The more sensitive you are, the more you may feel the erratic energy of this retrograde. 

As with all retrogrades, be mindful of communications and life’s details so that you can make adjustments in present time if things don’t go as planned.

To be more proactive in this cycle, do a self-reflection inventory of your life. Pick three areas of concern or stress. Examples could be (1) your work or workplace, (2) your home life, and (3) a key relationship.

Wisdom from our ancestors, wisdom borne of personal experience, wisdom from something larger than we can comprehend - it's all available for us to access. If we stay still long enough, and we listen without bias and preconceptions, we will hear. And know, on a deeper level than words. 

And in that level, we must believe and trust.

Invite your inner wisdom to show you what’s out of balance, your role in the imbalance, and what needs to change. Be honest with yourself. This inventory is for you and your spiritual growth. Your empowerment and freedom come as you face situations honestly and directly, are open to solutions, and then fearlessly take needed actions.

Decide now that you will claim your power in each problematic situation of your life. Don’t wait for someone else to act, or for the dilemma to disappear on its own. Remember that inaction -   when you know you need to act – is still a choice.

I used to be filled with fear of  the future, my past, but now I'm trying to embrace the unknown. It's not an easy task, because i am a creature of habit and comfort, but in the habit and comfort, something inside of me was slowly dying. 

I believe that i was given a gift - through my writing, my photographic and cinematic visions, through my ability to connect with people, to share my special kind of love and connection with the world.

But this means a sacrifice,  and sometimes the sacrifice for a greater good is greater than the self. 

For those who can, and all those who won't or can't - I'm making a choice in blind faith and courage.  And hopefully, you will feel my love when the change does come...

Flying, not crashing...

For the first time in a very long time (talking years) I had a dream about a plane and there was no crash.

I was siting with a friend, and she was doing my makeup for some big event that I was flying out to. We sat up in the seats, nonchalantly talking while the plane began to taxi on the runway.

But it want an ordinary plane - it was like the transparent Wonder Woman plane - but only for the top: ceiling and sides, which were all seemingly non-existent.

I felt the plane start to lift, higher, climbing  to a greater altitude. The gravity push was powerful, and despite my fear of crashing because we were not in a pressure sensitive cabin or had any kind of protection, I lay my head to rest, close my eyes and surrendered to the ride.

No crash

No deaths.

No fear

What a wonderful change of endings!!

love my life

I think i finally love my life.

Spent Monday into Tuesday with a truly incredible group of people. Brilliant, gifted, spiritual, funny and just overall beautiful.

Being a part of a creative team feeds my soul on such a deep level. It re-ignited my passion for my crafts (cinema, writing, photography, acting) and according to everybody who met me and had the chance to spend time with me on those fateful two days said the same thing - I was glowing. Inside and out.

It looks like the chance meeting I had with a new BFF was exactly as it was meant to happen and be. We connected and spoke at length enthusiastically about moving forward in several projects, and trips together. What a wonderful way to start a week! Full of dreams and opportunities!

I was also welcomed into that family - of gifted filmmakers, actors, stuntmen, healers, with open arms and hearts. And it was confirmed that from that day on, i would hereby become an integral part of their creative and personal growth process. Music to my eardrum fatigued ears!


The house that these events took place in was apparently built on a sacred native indian healing site. Peace and serenity permeated every ring of log that was stacked upon another to build this incredible cabin four people called 'home'.

The day after the shoot, nature called me deep into the woods where i took in the sounds and smells of fall.  It was not a time of death, but a time of renewal and preparation. The big sleep before the spring awakening.

There was a leaf hanging by a spider's thread. Mesmerized by the beauty and miracle that these two elements happened to coincide and exist prompted me to take out my phone and film the delicate dance in the wind. It was a literal version of turning over a new leaf. Time seemed to slow and stop. A nice change of pace from the chaos that had nipped at my heels in the days prior to my successful show.

I returned inside to have a healing session reiki that quite simply, transformed me. Rejuvenated me and opened me up to being present in each moment - allowing the future to flow through me without resistance.

On the way back home, my BFF and i chatted about everything under the sun and moon. It was so wonderful to connect with somebody who is so much like myself, but a younger version. D is simply a human dynamo filled with light, love and courage. She made me promise something to her:

"K, there will be many opportunities coming to you in the next little while. I can feel it. Please promise that you will say yes to as many things as you possibly can. Leave your fears behind. Embrace the change. The universe will take care of the rest!"

And i did - a promise not only to her, but to myself - to boldly explore, without resistance, opportunity. Just like the leaf hanging precariously from a spider's invisible thread, it too was supported and carried on the wind of change without resistance.

Complete surrender.

alter ego boost

Today was a long one - trying to pass hours transitioning from a fitful sleep filled with regrets and disappointment was awkward and at best, miserably unsuccessful. I had already booked a supper with a family friend who was supposed to help me get deeper Hellenic insight into my alter stage ego: "Miss Kalliope". Was i ready for evening dinner banter? I had to be.

But it was the best thing that has happened in a long time.

My friend E was brilliant! We laughed so hard looking through my pictures of Greece, she playfully chastising me for "Making hotel reservations ahead of time".

"you're in Greece! It's low season! You will find a hotel anywhere! Why lock yourself down? See?! The universe disrupted your plans on day 1! You had no need to worry!"

"Well, if i had a choice..." and then laughter. Because we knew i didn't really...

Creative minds seem to meet in a proverbial middle ground of the collective unconscious. A spectacular theme park of ideas, colors, sounds and joy. We hopped on for a joy ride and got off 3 hours later. Our stomach muscles hurting from the continuous laughter. Our cheeks sore from wide open mouthed chortles.

I think i now have enough for a one woman show. 

Even for a 2nd show.

And it's all good.

After i turned to the "book" and chatted with some friends. Just to say hi. 

A dear friend from the coast was on at the same time i was. So wonderful to reconnect after so long. And it never seems that long to begin with. Time is not linear with us - which lends itself to wonderful spontaneous moments of "picking up where we last left off" or "starting in the middle of nowhere" conversations.

She told me that i was deeply loved, by her and many other people. That i was special and because of who i am,  do everything with love.  You see, no matter how much anger i may have toward someone or something, i cannot hate. Even when my mom got cancer, I didn't hate the cancer. I thanked it for the  lessons that it taught me and way it brought my mother and i together, on such a deep and meaningful level. I don't  even hate my greatest enemies. Why? I don't know. I guess i outgrew that darkness when i began to embrace the light within myself and fellow human beings...

AHH, A RANT! my blog isn't one without at least one juicy vapid paragraphs of navel gazing!!

but back to the chat...

Words of kindness heal. I preach that, practice it, but it always makes me so humble when somebody directs that to me. I was humbled. Over and over again tonight.

And tonight, i feel truly blessed. And loved.

On Monday, I saw a double rainbow - was able to pinpoint the beginning and the end. First time ever. 

Spectacular as single, incredible as two

and as i looked up to and across the sky,, i said to myself: "this is it. No dress rehearsal - it's real. Happening now. With me. And i have no choice but to be ready - step out on stage and let my light shine ever so brightly."

I extend my hand to you dear reader. 

Would you like to come along for the ride of a lifetime?

every waking hour.

now

old poem

ha...

old poem.

I can be so dramatic in my drama sometimes....

A man once said -

its all about biology

but when does biology

replace psychology or are they

uniquely intertwined,

like a genetic strand of DNA

dependent upon the other

nothing without one another

powering down we must cool our jets

not quite sitting ducks but closer to

Joan of Arcs - burning at the stake

for going against the grain

dismissing biology

and debunking psychology

because we can.

incessant ramblings from the archives

This one is cute and sweet in a wholesome "fresh from the bakery" naive endearing way.

had to repost...

http://hellophotokitty.blogspot.com/2005/10/mans-search-for-meaning-in-stretchy.html

it's been a while...

well, hello old blogger friend. It's been a while...

life sometimes has an uncanny way of derailing the best laid plans and force everything to a screeching halt or stepping on the gas pedal all the way to the floor.

I like to drive - take the scenic route.
In time, by my own time.

but the universe doesn't always work that way, and that's fine too.


So as it seems, acting has become part of my life again - so very fitting as it is something that i have always dreamt of doing since i was a kid. Writing is weaving its way into my daily landscape as well.

And so very fitting that i turn my inner chatter back to the first place i found solace and peace.

My blog...


Writing clears my head of the daily accumulation of the angst ridden dust bunnies, compulsive brain mites, fearful debris, and the rogue broken nail of regret.

Moving forward is a necessary necessity on this magic carpet in the next phase of my personal evolution. Hang on because we're taking the road less travelled and making more memories along the way :-)