Sunday, March 27, 2005
The pop in before the poop out.
Hey gang.
Here but fading.
Just wanted to give you a quick update.
This is a snippet I sent to a friend of mine becasue she has been bitching at me to send her some news (so actually more than one person may have gotten the same email.... SORRY!! :-(
Well, I stumbled late to the rehersal today where I was ordered into place as a 'background performer" (I told you show biz was glamorous!) during the final scene, but was proud as all hell because an improv line on my part actually became the scene stealer (when we all say at the same time about Miranda: OH MY GOD! SHE REALLY IS A LESBIAN!) which had Charlotte in stitches along with two other cast members who were in the audience. I felt kind of strange, being up on stage, a bit part, and having Charlotte say to everybody: " Guys guys! You had to see the expression on Hellophotokitty's face? OMG! It was so fucken priceless. I Do that move again!" I stood there - frozen, unable to speak. My moment of stage fright, looking not out to the empty room of battered and bent metal chairs, but having 10 professional actors looking at me me for this supposed comedic example. I took a deep breath and pulled my Jim Carrey elastic face and said my line and had the whole place in stitches. Just moments earlier, I was talking to one of the other actors and leaned over to him and said: "You don't know what a FUCKEN incredible rush this is, listening to people reciting and watching them act to the words you wrote! I can give you a history and timeline behind every line! And that was said at 5am, on a Friday morning, I remember it was a Friday because I saw the recycling outside..."
It was so strange, strange and intoxicating. The same feeling of intoxication when I saw my first film for the first time during the first public showing, at the university, on a screen that equals the one at the Paramount theater downtown. 500 people - sold out crowd. Saturday afternoon. And there it was - my baby, on the screen, my actress and I holding hands, remembering every moment of every frame of that film and all the love and pain that went into making that movie. We both wept at the end (the final denouement is quite powerful) and sat in the dark, hugging each other - exhausted, elated and euphoric over this film. From my hands, my vision, her interpretation of my life to my final stamp of approval. I was there, naked for all to see. A part of me shared with the world, and it was the most incredible thing I have ever felt. I have spoken with friends who have given birth and they have told me that I too, took this film to term and gave birth - the initial anxiety of the symbolic cutting of the cord - the separation of the creator from the creation, but the joy, oh the joy of watching take on a life of it's own and be showered with love.
Nothing has ever come close to that.
but today was pretty close.
And it was awesome.
We then rehearsed the scene where I play the Italian mother (to which I feared that I did not have enough of a 'Pasta fazoul' accent, but it just seemed to flow from me like Buttah) opposite Samantha and her Italian Lovah. We rehearsed out in the hallway and each time, I had both actors in stitches, and each time I would look at them with this honest to God look of bewilderment: What's so funny? I would ask, honestly not thinking it was that funny. P (the italian son) came up with the most brilliant line for this scene: When you are freaking out on me, why don't you say something like: Uncle Luigi is turning over in his grave he is so ashamed! And I would say - 'ma - he's still alive!" I can't tell you how hard we laughed over that one - it was a moment of brilliance that I would see happen throughout the rehersal. It was comedy in action. We loved it and we stuck with it. I was open to ideas right from the begining, and this was such a wonderful example of a collaborative efforet! Charlotte then asked us if we could do our little stchick. And so there I was, backstage, waiting for my Q, and off I went. A banshee possessed by the ghost of Medeterian Joan Crawford on acid, I ranted and wailed like a good old italian mother, with all the bizarre mannerisms and voice inflections of a bona fide Mamma Brava from Palermo. After it was over (and I had slapped my son across the head several times for being a brute), the laughter began. And it filled the room. Everybody was in stitches. I stood there, once again, with a nervous yet stunned 'deer in headlights' smile (not that deers smile when they are about to be blindsided by a 4x4) and just scanned the crowd. It was eerie. Everything happened so fast. There I was, writer, and actor, reading and acting my own line.
Trippy.
I then relaxed and took some pix. Once again, I got wrapped up in the moment. I'm attaching some of those pix for you to see, just because you have volunteered your ears and eyes to my incessant ramblings (I bet you are regretting having said: Yea, sure! You can vent/share/lean on me.......LOL) and well, you already know about me, hell, why stop there when you can have the whole freak show for the same price right?...
As I was saying...
So these pix were so intuitive, they caught me by surprise.
My art caught me by surprise.
So I am posting these pix.
I hope you enjoyed my re-cyled rant and I am off to beat the easter bunny for making those creepy runny looking Hershey cream eggs.
Ugh.
Here but fading.
Just wanted to give you a quick update.
This is a snippet I sent to a friend of mine becasue she has been bitching at me to send her some news (so actually more than one person may have gotten the same email.... SORRY!! :-(
Well, I stumbled late to the rehersal today where I was ordered into place as a 'background performer" (I told you show biz was glamorous!) during the final scene, but was proud as all hell because an improv line on my part actually became the scene stealer (when we all say at the same time about Miranda: OH MY GOD! SHE REALLY IS A LESBIAN!) which had Charlotte in stitches along with two other cast members who were in the audience. I felt kind of strange, being up on stage, a bit part, and having Charlotte say to everybody: " Guys guys! You had to see the expression on Hellophotokitty's face? OMG! It was so fucken priceless. I Do that move again!" I stood there - frozen, unable to speak. My moment of stage fright, looking not out to the empty room of battered and bent metal chairs, but having 10 professional actors looking at me me for this supposed comedic example. I took a deep breath and pulled my Jim Carrey elastic face and said my line and had the whole place in stitches. Just moments earlier, I was talking to one of the other actors and leaned over to him and said: "You don't know what a FUCKEN incredible rush this is, listening to people reciting and watching them act to the words you wrote! I can give you a history and timeline behind every line! And that was said at 5am, on a Friday morning, I remember it was a Friday because I saw the recycling outside..."
It was so strange, strange and intoxicating. The same feeling of intoxication when I saw my first film for the first time during the first public showing, at the university, on a screen that equals the one at the Paramount theater downtown. 500 people - sold out crowd. Saturday afternoon. And there it was - my baby, on the screen, my actress and I holding hands, remembering every moment of every frame of that film and all the love and pain that went into making that movie. We both wept at the end (the final denouement is quite powerful) and sat in the dark, hugging each other - exhausted, elated and euphoric over this film. From my hands, my vision, her interpretation of my life to my final stamp of approval. I was there, naked for all to see. A part of me shared with the world, and it was the most incredible thing I have ever felt. I have spoken with friends who have given birth and they have told me that I too, took this film to term and gave birth - the initial anxiety of the symbolic cutting of the cord - the separation of the creator from the creation, but the joy, oh the joy of watching take on a life of it's own and be showered with love.
Nothing has ever come close to that.
but today was pretty close.
And it was awesome.
We then rehearsed the scene where I play the Italian mother (to which I feared that I did not have enough of a 'Pasta fazoul' accent, but it just seemed to flow from me like Buttah) opposite Samantha and her Italian Lovah. We rehearsed out in the hallway and each time, I had both actors in stitches, and each time I would look at them with this honest to God look of bewilderment: What's so funny? I would ask, honestly not thinking it was that funny. P (the italian son) came up with the most brilliant line for this scene: When you are freaking out on me, why don't you say something like: Uncle Luigi is turning over in his grave he is so ashamed! And I would say - 'ma - he's still alive!" I can't tell you how hard we laughed over that one - it was a moment of brilliance that I would see happen throughout the rehersal. It was comedy in action. We loved it and we stuck with it. I was open to ideas right from the begining, and this was such a wonderful example of a collaborative efforet! Charlotte then asked us if we could do our little stchick. And so there I was, backstage, waiting for my Q, and off I went. A banshee possessed by the ghost of Medeterian Joan Crawford on acid, I ranted and wailed like a good old italian mother, with all the bizarre mannerisms and voice inflections of a bona fide Mamma Brava from Palermo. After it was over (and I had slapped my son across the head several times for being a brute), the laughter began. And it filled the room. Everybody was in stitches. I stood there, once again, with a nervous yet stunned 'deer in headlights' smile (not that deers smile when they are about to be blindsided by a 4x4) and just scanned the crowd. It was eerie. Everything happened so fast. There I was, writer, and actor, reading and acting my own line.
Trippy.
I then relaxed and took some pix. Once again, I got wrapped up in the moment. I'm attaching some of those pix for you to see, just because you have volunteered your ears and eyes to my incessant ramblings (I bet you are regretting having said: Yea, sure! You can vent/share/lean on me.......LOL) and well, you already know about me, hell, why stop there when you can have the whole freak show for the same price right?...
As I was saying...
So these pix were so intuitive, they caught me by surprise.
My art caught me by surprise.
So I am posting these pix.
I hope you enjoyed my re-cyled rant and I am off to beat the easter bunny for making those creepy runny looking Hershey cream eggs.
Ugh.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Doing the pop-in
Hi all!
I am just doing a little pop in, even though I am soooooo sick!
Can you believe it - we are only a few days into spring and I have a horrible COLD! Yep. Stuffy nose, runny nose, cough, stuffy head, sneezing. Although I am fearing that it might be flu (even more exciting) but I don't want to jinx myself... Colds in spring and summer are the worst - I feel like a kid who can't go out to play her friends because I am sick and had to stay home. Looking out the window, sulking, sniffling.
Yuks Sucks.
So a brief update on the goings on lately (I have been severely traumatized by Blogger eradicating my really great blog entry a few days ago, so I have been afraid to post lately...) as they have been few, but interesting...
a) went to the rehearsal on Monday. I have never acted in a play before, and the only acting I have done has been for film, and as I mentioned before, theater and film are two COMPLETELY different animals! So acting for film is like the cut and past version of show business. One snippet here, pause (CUT!) and then by the wonderful magic of cinema, you are now in a scene 2 years later and talking to someone else. But in theater - it's all on the stage, minimal props, no 'cut and lets have you run through that again' stuff - if you mess up on stage during a performance, there are no second chances. And rehearsal is a little different as well. It's all in the body and projection of voice. All this is news to me, so my first rehearsal was an adventure!!
b) went to my interview for a group at the local hospital that specializes in CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy. It's an interesting branch of psychiatry as it looks at negative thought patterns and how you can change them - like changing a skipping cd track. CBT also looks at the relationship between thought and feelings and how if you alter one for the better, the latter is sure to follow... But more on that later.
THE REHEARSAL:
My first pre-warning from Charlotte (who is also the director) was - DON'T BE LATE FOR REHEARSALS!! Others show up on time, and so should you! Apparently most actors are prima donnas and don't like to wait while others hold up the show. Point taken.
So I was there - 6pm on the nose. Samantha and I were the only ones there!! Even Charlotte came in late! Okay, let it slide, first rehearsal...
Being someone who is almost always on the other side of the camera, I was introduced to some wacky techniques for warming up: tongue twisters (Fat fanny flips for food - just made that one up. Pretty funny I must say!! ) so we limber up the tongue, stretches for the body, vocal exercises for the voice. I didn't feel like so much of a freak when I stood around in a circle of 3 other people sounding out 'ooooooo's and 'ahhhhhhhh's.
After our limbering up, we did a dry run of the scenes - where Samantha goes home with Gino only to find out that he lives with his mother. Dry runs are fun because it is just a reading, with some body, movement improv. Watching and being part of the dynamic was in itself a rush! I was acting (or at least trying to). Charlotte sat at the back of the class, giving us points to follow, things to do with our bodies and listening to our voices. There is alot that goes into being a director, and the difference between film and theater is that in film, there are camera angles to worry about, continuity from scene to scene, but in theater - it's all in how you project, how the viewing audience sees it. Was it strong, did it look/sound awkward? How was the blocking (making sure that people don't walk in front of eachother during a scene)? Lots going on at once, and this was only with 3 people! I wrote a few scenes where there are up to 10 people in one scene! Yikes!
Three hours went by so quickly, it was ridiculous! We ran through 3 scenes (two which were short, but nonetheless complicates) and it was great! Charlotte and the rest of us were surprised with the results! For a first rehearsal, it was great. I attribute it to the instant chemistry we all had as a group. I am sure that having a good script helps, along with a cast who are enthusiastic about acting in a play they all really enjoy. I remember the time (seems like months ago) when Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie (our would be then director) met with the no-energy, egocentric 'my shit don't smell' potential director. Samantha (producer) was beside herself with anxiety and fear: This is so stressing! We're not going to get this off the ground in time! And we need a director and a finished script! Here we are, a month later and things are on track and the energy is amazing. It is quite exciting to see the genesis of a project, especially when it's one that you have written from scratch! Sigh. It's wild and wacky stuff.
So the next rehearsal is Saturday, followed by a part at Charlotte's house. Actors are fun people - animated to a fault, and rarely taking themselves seriously, they know how to mingle. I am looking forward to it, and sick or not, I will be there!
CBT Interview:
I had been told that this interview would last about 2 1/2 hours in total, but it was so strange! I felt like I was being interrogated, but the interrogators were two nice doctors who make the whole process less painful, but still...
I had to fill out this long (and I mean 12 pages long) questionnaire asking me all kind of questions like: "Have you ever felt so angry that you wanted to kill somebody, do you eat more or less now that you are depressed, do you thoughts that are not your own' and on and on. I have had these questions asked of me before, they seem pretty standard for giving an initial diagnosis, or point the doctor in the right direction as to where your head is at. No voices. No compulsion to want to hurt myself or others, just feeling shitty about myself.
Lots of waiting in waiting rooms until I was seen by the 'team' - one Dr. that looked more like a rabbi than a shrink, and the other looked like he would be running his own retired man/home renovation show. I got a good vibe from them, so that put me at ease right away. The thing that creeped me out was that I was sitting in front of a one way mirror. They had told me that they would be taping and watching my session for study purposes (which I thought was cool), but it was hearing the people behind it moving around, shuffling, talking. I tried not to look, but the curiosity was killing me! I felt like I was on 'Law and Order' in the famous interrogation room with the one way glass!
I want an attorney!
This is just a psych evaluation. You're not under arrest.
I plead the fifth! And stop playing that 'bad cop/good cop' routine with me!
Miss, we're not police, we are doctors. We are going to evaluate you to see if you are an ideal candidate for this form of therapy.
Okay - is this Candid Camera? Where is the camera? Hello?!?
That was a funny outrageous scenario I ran through my head. I don't thing that the head shrinkers would have found it as funny as I did though...
So 2 hours later, after cracking open my head and examining my complete history from childhood to yesterday, they took a few minutes to break and discuss - ME! LOL! I sat in the nice plushy waiting area, sinking into and enjoying the oversized couches and room with lots of windows (this wing of the hospital used to be an old mansion on the hill, so many of the rooms are transformed into offices and waiting rooms in the actual rooms!) 5 minutes, 10, 15 passed and the two docs emerged. They brought me back into the room. I felt like I was going through my second interview for an important job! I was nervous because they could have said: "You're beyond home Miss Kitty, so back to the pack of hungry wolves you go!". But they didn't. They said that they had a very interesting conversation about me (???!!??) and thought I would be an ideal candidate for this kind of therapy. I was so relieved. Help! At last. BUT (there is always a but) therapy only starts in JULY!! AHHHH!! But the way I see it, I got in, and that is a step in the right direction. I am going to get help and follow a course of therapy which I think will change my life completely - for the better.
WOW! I feel like I have been run over by a whole fleet of busses! Time to go and have a bowl of chicken soup and flush this bug out of my system!!!!!!!!!
I am just doing a little pop in, even though I am soooooo sick!
Can you believe it - we are only a few days into spring and I have a horrible COLD! Yep. Stuffy nose, runny nose, cough, stuffy head, sneezing. Although I am fearing that it might be flu (even more exciting) but I don't want to jinx myself... Colds in spring and summer are the worst - I feel like a kid who can't go out to play her friends because I am sick and had to stay home. Looking out the window, sulking, sniffling.
Yuks Sucks.
So a brief update on the goings on lately (I have been severely traumatized by Blogger eradicating my really great blog entry a few days ago, so I have been afraid to post lately...) as they have been few, but interesting...
a) went to the rehearsal on Monday. I have never acted in a play before, and the only acting I have done has been for film, and as I mentioned before, theater and film are two COMPLETELY different animals! So acting for film is like the cut and past version of show business. One snippet here, pause (CUT!) and then by the wonderful magic of cinema, you are now in a scene 2 years later and talking to someone else. But in theater - it's all on the stage, minimal props, no 'cut and lets have you run through that again' stuff - if you mess up on stage during a performance, there are no second chances. And rehearsal is a little different as well. It's all in the body and projection of voice. All this is news to me, so my first rehearsal was an adventure!!
b) went to my interview for a group at the local hospital that specializes in CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy. It's an interesting branch of psychiatry as it looks at negative thought patterns and how you can change them - like changing a skipping cd track. CBT also looks at the relationship between thought and feelings and how if you alter one for the better, the latter is sure to follow... But more on that later.
THE REHEARSAL:
My first pre-warning from Charlotte (who is also the director) was - DON'T BE LATE FOR REHEARSALS!! Others show up on time, and so should you! Apparently most actors are prima donnas and don't like to wait while others hold up the show. Point taken.
So I was there - 6pm on the nose. Samantha and I were the only ones there!! Even Charlotte came in late! Okay, let it slide, first rehearsal...
Being someone who is almost always on the other side of the camera, I was introduced to some wacky techniques for warming up: tongue twisters (Fat fanny flips for food - just made that one up. Pretty funny I must say!! ) so we limber up the tongue, stretches for the body, vocal exercises for the voice. I didn't feel like so much of a freak when I stood around in a circle of 3 other people sounding out 'ooooooo's and 'ahhhhhhhh's.
After our limbering up, we did a dry run of the scenes - where Samantha goes home with Gino only to find out that he lives with his mother. Dry runs are fun because it is just a reading, with some body, movement improv. Watching and being part of the dynamic was in itself a rush! I was acting (or at least trying to). Charlotte sat at the back of the class, giving us points to follow, things to do with our bodies and listening to our voices. There is alot that goes into being a director, and the difference between film and theater is that in film, there are camera angles to worry about, continuity from scene to scene, but in theater - it's all in how you project, how the viewing audience sees it. Was it strong, did it look/sound awkward? How was the blocking (making sure that people don't walk in front of eachother during a scene)? Lots going on at once, and this was only with 3 people! I wrote a few scenes where there are up to 10 people in one scene! Yikes!
Three hours went by so quickly, it was ridiculous! We ran through 3 scenes (two which were short, but nonetheless complicates) and it was great! Charlotte and the rest of us were surprised with the results! For a first rehearsal, it was great. I attribute it to the instant chemistry we all had as a group. I am sure that having a good script helps, along with a cast who are enthusiastic about acting in a play they all really enjoy. I remember the time (seems like months ago) when Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie (our would be then director) met with the no-energy, egocentric 'my shit don't smell' potential director. Samantha (producer) was beside herself with anxiety and fear: This is so stressing! We're not going to get this off the ground in time! And we need a director and a finished script! Here we are, a month later and things are on track and the energy is amazing. It is quite exciting to see the genesis of a project, especially when it's one that you have written from scratch! Sigh. It's wild and wacky stuff.
So the next rehearsal is Saturday, followed by a part at Charlotte's house. Actors are fun people - animated to a fault, and rarely taking themselves seriously, they know how to mingle. I am looking forward to it, and sick or not, I will be there!
CBT Interview:
I had been told that this interview would last about 2 1/2 hours in total, but it was so strange! I felt like I was being interrogated, but the interrogators were two nice doctors who make the whole process less painful, but still...
I had to fill out this long (and I mean 12 pages long) questionnaire asking me all kind of questions like: "Have you ever felt so angry that you wanted to kill somebody, do you eat more or less now that you are depressed, do you thoughts that are not your own' and on and on. I have had these questions asked of me before, they seem pretty standard for giving an initial diagnosis, or point the doctor in the right direction as to where your head is at. No voices. No compulsion to want to hurt myself or others, just feeling shitty about myself.
Lots of waiting in waiting rooms until I was seen by the 'team' - one Dr. that looked more like a rabbi than a shrink, and the other looked like he would be running his own retired man/home renovation show. I got a good vibe from them, so that put me at ease right away. The thing that creeped me out was that I was sitting in front of a one way mirror. They had told me that they would be taping and watching my session for study purposes (which I thought was cool), but it was hearing the people behind it moving around, shuffling, talking. I tried not to look, but the curiosity was killing me! I felt like I was on 'Law and Order' in the famous interrogation room with the one way glass!
I want an attorney!
This is just a psych evaluation. You're not under arrest.
I plead the fifth! And stop playing that 'bad cop/good cop' routine with me!
Miss, we're not police, we are doctors. We are going to evaluate you to see if you are an ideal candidate for this form of therapy.
Okay - is this Candid Camera? Where is the camera? Hello?!?
That was a funny outrageous scenario I ran through my head. I don't thing that the head shrinkers would have found it as funny as I did though...
So 2 hours later, after cracking open my head and examining my complete history from childhood to yesterday, they took a few minutes to break and discuss - ME! LOL! I sat in the nice plushy waiting area, sinking into and enjoying the oversized couches and room with lots of windows (this wing of the hospital used to be an old mansion on the hill, so many of the rooms are transformed into offices and waiting rooms in the actual rooms!) 5 minutes, 10, 15 passed and the two docs emerged. They brought me back into the room. I felt like I was going through my second interview for an important job! I was nervous because they could have said: "You're beyond home Miss Kitty, so back to the pack of hungry wolves you go!". But they didn't. They said that they had a very interesting conversation about me (???!!??) and thought I would be an ideal candidate for this kind of therapy. I was so relieved. Help! At last. BUT (there is always a but) therapy only starts in JULY!! AHHHH!! But the way I see it, I got in, and that is a step in the right direction. I am going to get help and follow a course of therapy which I think will change my life completely - for the better.
WOW! I feel like I have been run over by a whole fleet of busses! Time to go and have a bowl of chicken soup and flush this bug out of my system!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Blogger Death Wish
Alright.
Somebody at blogger headquarters has a death wish.
I just hit publish on the bottom after spending 45 minutes writing one of the more brilliant blogs I have written in a long time, and before I had a chance to blink - a window came up saying 'blog not found'.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
WHAT THE FUCK!!!
(sorry, but I am REALLY UPSET!!!!)
Now you idiots at blogger, that is just cruel...
Somebody at blogger headquarters has a death wish.
I just hit publish on the bottom after spending 45 minutes writing one of the more brilliant blogs I have written in a long time, and before I had a chance to blink - a window came up saying 'blog not found'.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
WHAT THE FUCK!!!
(sorry, but I am REALLY UPSET!!!!)
I wrote all about my wonderful experience yesterday, meeting with the whole cast, hearing them telling me how they LOVED the script, how we all did this amazing exercise to 'break down the barriers', how we all bonded and I began to feel the energy of the whole room transform into such a glowing light. How I told Charlotte that we were on the path to success. How I felt completely lifted, rejuvenated, elated and excited at this huge endeavor that I actually saw through.
I am about to scream, rip apart my office, bawl my eyes out, jump out the window, take a shit fit upset.
Now you idiots at blogger, that is just cruel...
You can now be sure that you won't be getting any free tickets to our show...
losers.
I guess I will just have to post again the next time I have 45 minutes to blow of what is left of my little precious energy.
What a way to ruin a great day.
Thanks for nothing Bloogidiots.
Friday, March 18, 2005
And so it's news because someone from The Sopranos has it!??
This freaked me out tonight.
A news headline on Yahoo:
Sopranos Psychiatrist Gets Tough on Depression
And what is the big deal? Ooooh! What a strange yet paradoxical paradox!! The shrink on the the Sopranos - Lorraine Bracco gets depressed in real life!! How fucked up is that??!!
Well! Let me tell you! Its not half as fucked up as having to go through it yourself, not having millions and easy access to HMO's and real shrinks as these people in Hollywood do - real life in my life is being dragged through the failing system and end up being shoved around, almost to every hospital after a suicide attempt only to have them tell you: "You're not being seen by a psychiatrist? Well, we can't give you anything more than a tranquilizer."
"So let me see a shrink!"
"Well, the waiting lists to see one is between 8 -14 months..."
"So meanwhile, while I slowly lose my mind?..."
"Yes, just take these pills and if it's not better tomorrow, contact your family doctor..."
Yep, life is easy when you have lots of money...
Bracco admits she suffered through a full year of what she calls "joylessness" before seeing her own doctor for help against depression.
Oh honey, joylessness? You gotta be kidding me? How about feeling sickness, feeling like your skin is covered in 10000 ants - nessness, or feeling like the whole world is out to kill you -nessness. I only wished to feel 'joylessness'. For me, that would have been happiness.
"I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, but I wasn't experiencing it. Whatever I had to do -- whether it was being interviewed, or a movie premiere, or making oatmeal for the kids in the morning -- I did it, but without any sense of fun."
I read this and I almost had a stroke because I was laughing so hard and so short of breath. Lady - when is making oatmeal for the kids supposed to be fun?? And you complain about THAT??? Why don't you complain about something real, like crying for 5 hours straight in a cationic state where your only way out of it was sleep? Why don't you consider 'non-fun' being completely out of control in both body and mind, running out into the middle of traffic at rush hour just so you can end the unbelievable frustration and hopelessness you feel that you are being shafted by the system as you are being swept under the rug? Fun... Bitch, I would have traded my left ovary just to be able to feel that waking up in the morning was not going to be the challenge of my life...
Depression gets a hold on you, and the longer you wait, the harder it is to get out."
I don't believe you wrote that. You must have a bi-polar publicists.
That type of denial and procrastination is typical of many depressed individuals, said psychiatrist Dr. Patrice Harris, who is working with Bracco and drugmaker Pfizer Inc. on a campaign and Web site (DepressionHelp.com) that urges people to spot depressive symptoms early and seek out care.
Denial? Procrastination? Typical? You are such a greedy corporate fuck. Pfizer - go figure. Monsters. Making prozac and having a monopoly on the formula so no 'generic' pills could be made so people who eat bread for their three meals a day so they can actually afford them? Denial? I was not in denial when it would cost me close to $300/month for prozac that I had to cough up out of my own savings because I didn't have any kind of health plan? Denial over the withdrawal symptoms of some of your 'so called' ani-depressants? Hmm, lets see, suicidal tendencies, nausea, paranoid thoughts, depression, anxiety? Hmm, I wonder if those kids that were being taken off their meds and committed suicide after it was found that the pills were creating more harm than good to their already fragile system??
Think about that one Doc...
As far as researchers can tell, much of the biology of depression relies on an imbalance in amounts of a specific brain chemical called serotonin. While psychotherapy can help fight depression, medications called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) try to re-balance serotonin levels, and thus correct the problem. SSRIs include drugs such as Celexa, Paxil, Prozac and Zoloft.
Drugs such as (names like ripyouoff, robyoublind, lifefuckerupper and makeyouworse) correct the problem... NOT!
Beginning this spring, antidepressants are to begin carrying a "black box" label warning of the potential suicide risk among children and teens.
Geee guys, you're so considerate! Thanks for the warning labels. Now only the handful of families who lost their children because of your 'warning of so called risks' will be the only losers in this whole campaign.
'For me, it was one of the most important decisions I made, I just regret not going for help earlier," she said. "I suffered for a year -- why?" says Bracco.
Ms. Bracco, welcome to the world of mental illness where stigma, fear and ignorance roam free amidst the land of corporate greed.
"Depression is scary to people, they're afraid and I really want to help lift that taboo," Bracco said, stressing that Zoloft is just one of many SSRIs with proven effectiveness. "If one doesn't work for you, there are others."
Okay, I take it back, maybe you are not such a greedy rich bitch after all, maybe you really did suffer, but I still think it's your publicists that is telling you to say these things...
In the meantime, Sopranos fans across the country may be feeling a little blue missing their weekly dose of Tony, Carmella, Paulie, Silvio and the gang.
OH MY GOD!! QUICK ! IT'S A CRISIS! CALL THE PROZAC POLICE!!!
This stuff really stirs my cauldron.
Sorry for the rant.
A news headline on Yahoo:
Sopranos Psychiatrist Gets Tough on Depression
And what is the big deal? Ooooh! What a strange yet paradoxical paradox!! The shrink on the the Sopranos - Lorraine Bracco gets depressed in real life!! How fucked up is that??!!
Well! Let me tell you! Its not half as fucked up as having to go through it yourself, not having millions and easy access to HMO's and real shrinks as these people in Hollywood do - real life in my life is being dragged through the failing system and end up being shoved around, almost to every hospital after a suicide attempt only to have them tell you: "You're not being seen by a psychiatrist? Well, we can't give you anything more than a tranquilizer."
"So let me see a shrink!"
"Well, the waiting lists to see one is between 8 -14 months..."
"So meanwhile, while I slowly lose my mind?..."
"Yes, just take these pills and if it's not better tomorrow, contact your family doctor..."
Yep, life is easy when you have lots of money...
Bracco admits she suffered through a full year of what she calls "joylessness" before seeing her own doctor for help against depression.
Oh honey, joylessness? You gotta be kidding me? How about feeling sickness, feeling like your skin is covered in 10000 ants - nessness, or feeling like the whole world is out to kill you -nessness. I only wished to feel 'joylessness'. For me, that would have been happiness.
"I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, but I wasn't experiencing it. Whatever I had to do -- whether it was being interviewed, or a movie premiere, or making oatmeal for the kids in the morning -- I did it, but without any sense of fun."
I read this and I almost had a stroke because I was laughing so hard and so short of breath. Lady - when is making oatmeal for the kids supposed to be fun?? And you complain about THAT??? Why don't you complain about something real, like crying for 5 hours straight in a cationic state where your only way out of it was sleep? Why don't you consider 'non-fun' being completely out of control in both body and mind, running out into the middle of traffic at rush hour just so you can end the unbelievable frustration and hopelessness you feel that you are being shafted by the system as you are being swept under the rug? Fun... Bitch, I would have traded my left ovary just to be able to feel that waking up in the morning was not going to be the challenge of my life...
Depression gets a hold on you, and the longer you wait, the harder it is to get out."
I don't believe you wrote that. You must have a bi-polar publicists.
That type of denial and procrastination is typical of many depressed individuals, said psychiatrist Dr. Patrice Harris, who is working with Bracco and drugmaker Pfizer Inc. on a campaign and Web site (DepressionHelp.com) that urges people to spot depressive symptoms early and seek out care.
Denial? Procrastination? Typical? You are such a greedy corporate fuck. Pfizer - go figure. Monsters. Making prozac and having a monopoly on the formula so no 'generic' pills could be made so people who eat bread for their three meals a day so they can actually afford them? Denial? I was not in denial when it would cost me close to $300/month for prozac that I had to cough up out of my own savings because I didn't have any kind of health plan? Denial over the withdrawal symptoms of some of your 'so called' ani-depressants? Hmm, lets see, suicidal tendencies, nausea, paranoid thoughts, depression, anxiety? Hmm, I wonder if those kids that were being taken off their meds and committed suicide after it was found that the pills were creating more harm than good to their already fragile system??
Think about that one Doc...
As far as researchers can tell, much of the biology of depression relies on an imbalance in amounts of a specific brain chemical called serotonin. While psychotherapy can help fight depression, medications called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) try to re-balance serotonin levels, and thus correct the problem. SSRIs include drugs such as Celexa, Paxil, Prozac and Zoloft.
Drugs such as (names like ripyouoff, robyoublind, lifefuckerupper and makeyouworse) correct the problem... NOT!
Beginning this spring, antidepressants are to begin carrying a "black box" label warning of the potential suicide risk among children and teens.
Geee guys, you're so considerate! Thanks for the warning labels. Now only the handful of families who lost their children because of your 'warning of so called risks' will be the only losers in this whole campaign.
'For me, it was one of the most important decisions I made, I just regret not going for help earlier," she said. "I suffered for a year -- why?" says Bracco.
Ms. Bracco, welcome to the world of mental illness where stigma, fear and ignorance roam free amidst the land of corporate greed.
"Depression is scary to people, they're afraid and I really want to help lift that taboo," Bracco said, stressing that Zoloft is just one of many SSRIs with proven effectiveness. "If one doesn't work for you, there are others."
Okay, I take it back, maybe you are not such a greedy rich bitch after all, maybe you really did suffer, but I still think it's your publicists that is telling you to say these things...
In the meantime, Sopranos fans across the country may be feeling a little blue missing their weekly dose of Tony, Carmella, Paulie, Silvio and the gang.
OH MY GOD!! QUICK ! IT'S A CRISIS! CALL THE PROZAC POLICE!!!
This stuff really stirs my cauldron.
Sorry for the rant.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
It's all about the energy...
I was with my best galpal friend today - we went over to her friend's house and took some pictures. The sky was overcast and grey. It was cold as hell, but inside the apartment, it felt like a huge warm towel right out of the dryer. Comfortable.
I really like the character of old houses - there is a certain polite charm in the architecture. The way the mouldings are stained, the curve in arch ways above the hallways, textured wallpaper - tiny Victorian flowers and pinstripes, now painted white, only the raised details noticeable. The vertical serpentine radiators underneath all the windows (back in the days of oil heating). And the windows - glass still framed by weathered wood. Pleaceful
Don't you just love this place?
I like the energy. It's very good energy.
You must be thinking "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GIRL TALKING ABOUT?"
I am not a freak or charlatan. I just feel things.
Some people see dead people (well, I only see them in my dreams), some people can predict the future within a certain degree of accuracy.
Sorry.
Didn't mean to go on a rant like that.
I have now thrown my soapbox out the window.
So, energy.
We are all energy - billions of molecules, (or is it atoms - see, that's why I am an artist) dancing with eachother, in constant motion. These intense Salsa session between the atoms causes friction which gives off energy (is this right? I barely passed High School Physics). Energy is everywhere. I, just happen to be one of the weirdos that can feel it.
I won't go into the history or evolution of my history because that would be a book in itself. So to simplify matters - I will give you all an exercise:
So first, close your eyes. Maybe open your eyes, then walk over to the stove. Turn on only one element. Now close your eyes and pass your hand over all the elements one by one. One is hotter than the other, right? If not, your stove is broken. But if you have a functioning one, your hand and skin, even with your eyes closed, will know the difference. Well, I feel this kind of stuff from places, things and especially from people. And what I felt in that house was good energy. Really good energy.
Can you remember the last time you went to someone's house and it just felt 'like home'? Well, that's good energy. Have you ever been to someone's house that is so depressing, oppressive, or creepy? Okay, I think you get the idea. The Chinese have been working with energies for thousands of years! Hello Feng Shui (which I find so strange that people pronounce it Fung Shway) - a real cash cow for some laughing Buddha! I personally like to think that my house (and cluttered office) have a good balance. I am comfortable here. The house felt comfortable before we even moved in. It was just felt nice.
So, back at my friend's friend's apartment, I walked from room to room, inspecting the deco and glanced over the personal effects of the tenant. I felt calm. A real smooth calm. I shouted to my friend across the hall - 'This is good shit!" It was a nice atmosphere to take pictures in. And for a quickie photo shoot, the results were quite interesting. Will post those in a day or so.
I had met galpal's friend a few times. He had a tranquility about him, so peaceful, centered. Even though he was quiet at first, I sensed his kind and sensitive heart. The female consensus was -yes. Now, there are some people who just give off this kind of, well, strong energy! (I am not going to be able to get away from that word now). Let me give you an example; don't worry, it's not another exercise...
About two weeks ago, I met up with a friend whom I had not seen since October. When we first introduced, the initial reading I got from him was a good one, pleasant with lots of vitality, but a little on guard. Perhaps nervous, but trying to be 'a man' about it. Several months had passed and things in my life got crazy, he got a girlfriend and we only got a chance to catch eachtoher online. A few weekends again, one afternoon, I was at my galpal's house and out of the blue, I got a hunch to call my old friend. We got together the next day and had the most amazing Sunday! I guess you can say that our 'energies mesh' because when we hang out together, there is always this 'just below the human threshold of hearing' little rumble. The aftershock of an earthquake. Something is alive around, between and inside us.
Ohh oh. Here comes the exercise!
Another exercise you can do at home: think of the last time you were with your best friend, and the last time you laughed together. Didn't that feel great? Was the air not charged with positivity and happiness? Many people don't take theses moments to appreciate something that seems so simple yet is so complex - something that happens to us every day of our lives - our interaction with the energies around us. It's pretty special when you really think about it.
So the next time you meet someone, and they seem a little creepy to you, don't think twice. Something is wrong with their energies, and your body will tell you about it (either through your churning stomach, sweaty palms, urge to pee in one's pants). Go with your gut. I always do. And you know what? It has never steered me wrong!
So my bestest galpal A. - this is for you. Go find and take in the energy that makes you glow. Find that spark that illuminates your world. Follow that electrical current to where it needs to go - trust that it will take you where you need to be. Trust that you will find what you were looking for...
I really like the character of old houses - there is a certain polite charm in the architecture. The way the mouldings are stained, the curve in arch ways above the hallways, textured wallpaper - tiny Victorian flowers and pinstripes, now painted white, only the raised details noticeable. The vertical serpentine radiators underneath all the windows (back in the days of oil heating). And the windows - glass still framed by weathered wood. Pleaceful
Don't you just love this place?
I like the energy. It's very good energy.
You must be thinking "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GIRL TALKING ABOUT?"
I am not a freak or charlatan. I just feel things.
Some people see dead people (well, I only see them in my dreams), some people can predict the future within a certain degree of accuracy.
My stchick is sensing energy.
I can gauge it's intensity, positive or negative. I sometimes wonder if the people at NASA might find something interesting to do with me? (Okay, all you statisticians, brainiacs and logistics people - hang on to your slide rules, and Theories of Relativity. You can say all you want about the numerical probabilities about coincidences, and on and on. If you want to pontificate after this post - DON'T!! I fated one guy eons ago who either was a) just being a prick or b) completely a walking super processor because he came up with every scientific reason why my theories never 'would fly in the real world.' I hate HATE people who don't have an open mind about life and all that happens in it. Shit does happen and sometimes, just sometimes, we can't explain it. DEAL WITH IT!!!)Sorry.
Didn't mean to go on a rant like that.
I have now thrown my soapbox out the window.
So, energy.
We are all energy - billions of molecules, (or is it atoms - see, that's why I am an artist) dancing with eachother, in constant motion. These intense Salsa session between the atoms causes friction which gives off energy (is this right? I barely passed High School Physics). Energy is everywhere. I, just happen to be one of the weirdos that can feel it.
I won't go into the history or evolution of my history because that would be a book in itself. So to simplify matters - I will give you all an exercise:
So first, close your eyes. Maybe open your eyes, then walk over to the stove. Turn on only one element. Now close your eyes and pass your hand over all the elements one by one. One is hotter than the other, right? If not, your stove is broken. But if you have a functioning one, your hand and skin, even with your eyes closed, will know the difference. Well, I feel this kind of stuff from places, things and especially from people. And what I felt in that house was good energy. Really good energy.
Can you remember the last time you went to someone's house and it just felt 'like home'? Well, that's good energy. Have you ever been to someone's house that is so depressing, oppressive, or creepy? Okay, I think you get the idea. The Chinese have been working with energies for thousands of years! Hello Feng Shui (which I find so strange that people pronounce it Fung Shway) - a real cash cow for some laughing Buddha! I personally like to think that my house (and cluttered office) have a good balance. I am comfortable here. The house felt comfortable before we even moved in. It was just felt nice.
So, back at my friend's friend's apartment, I walked from room to room, inspecting the deco and glanced over the personal effects of the tenant. I felt calm. A real smooth calm. I shouted to my friend across the hall - 'This is good shit!" It was a nice atmosphere to take pictures in. And for a quickie photo shoot, the results were quite interesting. Will post those in a day or so.
I had met galpal's friend a few times. He had a tranquility about him, so peaceful, centered. Even though he was quiet at first, I sensed his kind and sensitive heart. The female consensus was -yes. Now, there are some people who just give off this kind of, well, strong energy! (I am not going to be able to get away from that word now). Let me give you an example; don't worry, it's not another exercise...
About two weeks ago, I met up with a friend whom I had not seen since October. When we first introduced, the initial reading I got from him was a good one, pleasant with lots of vitality, but a little on guard. Perhaps nervous, but trying to be 'a man' about it. Several months had passed and things in my life got crazy, he got a girlfriend and we only got a chance to catch eachtoher online. A few weekends again, one afternoon, I was at my galpal's house and out of the blue, I got a hunch to call my old friend. We got together the next day and had the most amazing Sunday! I guess you can say that our 'energies mesh' because when we hang out together, there is always this 'just below the human threshold of hearing' little rumble. The aftershock of an earthquake. Something is alive around, between and inside us.
Ohh oh. Here comes the exercise!
Another exercise you can do at home: think of the last time you were with your best friend, and the last time you laughed together. Didn't that feel great? Was the air not charged with positivity and happiness? Many people don't take theses moments to appreciate something that seems so simple yet is so complex - something that happens to us every day of our lives - our interaction with the energies around us. It's pretty special when you really think about it.
So the next time you meet someone, and they seem a little creepy to you, don't think twice. Something is wrong with their energies, and your body will tell you about it (either through your churning stomach, sweaty palms, urge to pee in one's pants). Go with your gut. I always do. And you know what? It has never steered me wrong!
So my bestest galpal A. - this is for you. Go find and take in the energy that makes you glow. Find that spark that illuminates your world. Follow that electrical current to where it needs to go - trust that it will take you where you need to be. Trust that you will find what you were looking for...
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Time for me to get philosophical on your ass.
So this is the moment in my blog where I get philosophical on your ass. It's the part when I dig out some obscure quotes from my collection of inspirational writings' to address some fucked up moment in my life when my own words have decided to pack up and head for the hills, leaving me to become the babbling village idiot, walking around in circles, fighting off invisible mischievous sprites who swarm around my head like flies. These words, quotes, may not make much sense to you right now, but think about it. There is a universality about it if you let them sink in. Let them get under your skin. Absorb the awkwardness. Welcome it for a while, then tell me what you feel...
I've had better times of course - the halcyon days,
rings, ringlets, ashes of roses,
shit, Chantilly, high teas, drop scones, serge suits,
binding attachments, all that.
- Edna O'Brien
I've had better times of course - the halcyon days,
rings, ringlets, ashes of roses,
shit, Chantilly, high teas, drop scones, serge suits,
binding attachments, all that.
- Edna O'Brien
'I want to be first!
I want to be liked!'
I want to be liked!'
(You can't get one and keep the other).
.
.
I want classic purity, where
dung is dung and angels are
angels.
I am the light that blinds you
I took this photo back in December. I never thought I would find an interesting meaning to it, until today...
It's funny how people portray one side of themselves to the public, and then another side in private. Never the two shall meet, or cross paths. What you see is not always what you get.
Some people hide behind a facade of verbal jousting or a screen of sarcasms to cover up their true identities, motives, vulnerabilities.
Sometimes, its safer to hide behind a curtain of mystery rather than be raw and exposed.
unfortunately, it's people like me - the 'overexposed' - our light is sometimes so bright, too bright, making some people retract from it, from me, from my truths, the real me.
Look too long into the sun and you will go blind;
so just look away instead...
It's funny how people portray one side of themselves to the public, and then another side in private. Never the two shall meet, or cross paths. What you see is not always what you get.
Some people hide behind a facade of verbal jousting or a screen of sarcasms to cover up their true identities, motives, vulnerabilities.
Sometimes, its safer to hide behind a curtain of mystery rather than be raw and exposed.
unfortunately, it's people like me - the 'overexposed' - our light is sometimes so bright, too bright, making some people retract from it, from me, from my truths, the real me.
Look too long into the sun and you will go blind;
so just look away instead...
Monday, March 14, 2005
Just a little yadda yadda yadda.
I know, it's been a while since I posted. I seem to have run out of steam lately. I guess it's the whole thing about the play being 'edited' and my part in it pretty much on hold lately, and the fact that it is ALMOST APRIL and it's still fucken snowing and there is STILL snow on the ground!! I mean hello?! What happened to global warming??! I think it's all bullshit anyway - I can remember being a kid (about 4 or 5) and going out on my birthday in my little spring coat, being happier than a pig in you know what (sorry, potty mouth tonight) and the streets were dry, my little white Sunday shoes were proper, and there was not a speck of wetness anywhere to be found for miles. And this was the first week of April!! Hello!?! Needless to say, I am pretty much miffed by this and it's pulling me deeper into my little spiral of depression. AND to top it all off (bitch rant on the loose!) the meds that my doctor gave me - some kind of neural blocker/fuckerupper made me sleepy all the time! Sure, it helps for depression, because YOU SLEEP THROUGH THE MISERABLE STUFF!!! How outrageous is that!?? Well, enough about that crap... Lets move on to something a little more exciting shall we?
So I have sifted through some stuff that has been cut from the play so it's safe to say that we wont have to worry about things being used and the plotline given away, so for your reading pleasure, I now give you some snippets from Sex in la cité!!!
The from the cutting room floor (or recycle bin in my case) the scene from the Vernisage :
Setting: the girls are at a gallery opening and the theme is death. Big has been aloof to Carrie, Miranda keeps on forgetting her baby everywhere, Charlotte is assimilating a little too well into the Canadian culture, and Samantha becomes plagued with guilt and dispair as she can't seem to get laid in this new city, but also remembers how much Smith loved her...
So I have sifted through some stuff that has been cut from the play so it's safe to say that we wont have to worry about things being used and the plotline given away, so for your reading pleasure, I now give you some snippets from Sex in la cité!!!
The from the cutting room floor (or recycle bin in my case) the scene from the Vernisage :
Setting: the girls are at a gallery opening and the theme is death. Big has been aloof to Carrie, Miranda keeps on forgetting her baby everywhere, Charlotte is assimilating a little too well into the Canadian culture, and Samantha becomes plagued with guilt and dispair as she can't seem to get laid in this new city, but also remembers how much Smith loved her...
Carrie: You know, art - it’s all about location! Stuff like this in Soho would sell for thousands of dollars, but put the same piece in a small studio, I don’t know, lets say Connecticut...
Samantha:
They have art in Connecetut?
Carrie:
I’m not sure. I think it’s that? You know, that shaker baker Quaker art? No, that’s furniture, that’s what they’re known for.
Carrie's Voice over:
And as I was scanning my mental databank of knowledge, I suddenly realized that I was going off on a tangent, and really wanted to make a point about art and location
So as I was saying, it all depends where you are. Avant garde art is acceptable in places like new York, Paris -.
Samantha:
And don’t forget the new no fucking zone – right here in this God dammed city!
Carrie:
Okay, here too, but put the same peice of art in a location where people have never been exposed to a wide variety of art like -.
Samantha:
Lets name drop – how about Wisconsin?
Carrie:
These people who have never known anything besides what they see (or what they consider as art) in their little bubble of a world might be appalled or intrigued by this new thing. Whatever their reaction, you know it’s going to be intense. Just remember the first time you went out of the city, and went to Paris for example.
Samantha:
Now, there I seemed to have no trouble with the men, or women for that matter.
Carrie:
But there, everything was new, fresh. It was exciting, but after the novelty of the newness wore off, your attitude towards the place you were once were so enamoured by, changes as well. We may think that New York is not that spectacular becasue we know the place inside and out, but someone who comes to the same city, for the first time, might just be overwhelmed because it's not something they are used to.
Samantha:
So what are you saying here? Bottom line. This art is shit right? Stick it in one place, and people think it's fucken amazing. Stick the same thing in another place and it's considered to be shit.
Carrie:
Well kinda. I’m thinking aloud. I think I just lost my train of thought.
Samantha:
Well honey, I think you should catch the next express locomotive back to what you were saying in the first place.
The end ;-)
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Rumble and Tumble
Hey gang,
this is hopefully going to be a short post. I am feeling pretty crappy after a night of partying and martini swilling. Walked in at about 4:30 am this morning. Had too many expresso martinis which made me drunk as a skunk, but this morning at 9am, I was still hung over, in pain but unable to sleep! It was so brutal. Right now, I'm just kicking around till Law and Order starts.
I guess you can say that I am in a funk - low, wishy washy depression. These happen to me every once and a while after I finish a bout of intense activity. It's the low from the high, the black on the other side of the white, the down from the up. I feel this way when I finish long movies where I have worked closely with people, seen them day in day out, 10-15 hours a day, and then BOOM! Nothing. It's kind of a shock to my system. The adrenalin rush subsides and I am left with a battered and empty shell of a woman. She is pretty bruised and beaten up right now as the cuts go deeper and multiply in the script I gave birth to. I mean, the timing is also crappy because its still snowing!! STILL SNOWING!!! ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE SNOW!!! This doesn't help my frame of mind, and things being slow outside, translate into slow things on the inside. I feel like it is January all over again. It's brutal. To top it off, the new meds the teacher has me on makes me one big sleepy zombie. It's not the ideal situation for me right now - imagine throwing a picture of a life raft to a drowning man - good in principle, but the reality of it is - that aint gonna help much!! So I type, emote, read other fellow bloggers and wait for the storm to pass. I find myself out here in the middle of a monsoon with one of those little tropical drink umbrellas made of paper. The idea is there but...
But...
I wanted to bake away my sorrows, but I lost my Betty Crocker mojo when I found out that we were bone dry on the sugar situation. E is not good at keeping a running inventory of things in the house - his philosophy is: if we're out, we'll eventually buy some more. But what if the eventually is now? Now I'm screwed. I want him to stay out for a while so I can mope and get this crap out of my system. The place is nice and quiet. Just the way I like it. Depressing, but quiet. Mad TV will be on soon and so will SNL. Two reasons for me to stay home on a Saturday night. That and nobody called to ask me to do anything. Oh well.
Poo poo poop on me.
Sometimes we need days to feel crappy and down.
It's all part of the cycle.
Thanks for reading.
I will try to be more positive next post.
this is hopefully going to be a short post. I am feeling pretty crappy after a night of partying and martini swilling. Walked in at about 4:30 am this morning. Had too many expresso martinis which made me drunk as a skunk, but this morning at 9am, I was still hung over, in pain but unable to sleep! It was so brutal. Right now, I'm just kicking around till Law and Order starts.
I guess you can say that I am in a funk - low, wishy washy depression. These happen to me every once and a while after I finish a bout of intense activity. It's the low from the high, the black on the other side of the white, the down from the up. I feel this way when I finish long movies where I have worked closely with people, seen them day in day out, 10-15 hours a day, and then BOOM! Nothing. It's kind of a shock to my system. The adrenalin rush subsides and I am left with a battered and empty shell of a woman. She is pretty bruised and beaten up right now as the cuts go deeper and multiply in the script I gave birth to. I mean, the timing is also crappy because its still snowing!! STILL SNOWING!!! ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE SNOW!!! This doesn't help my frame of mind, and things being slow outside, translate into slow things on the inside. I feel like it is January all over again. It's brutal. To top it off, the new meds the teacher has me on makes me one big sleepy zombie. It's not the ideal situation for me right now - imagine throwing a picture of a life raft to a drowning man - good in principle, but the reality of it is - that aint gonna help much!! So I type, emote, read other fellow bloggers and wait for the storm to pass. I find myself out here in the middle of a monsoon with one of those little tropical drink umbrellas made of paper. The idea is there but...
But...
I wanted to bake away my sorrows, but I lost my Betty Crocker mojo when I found out that we were bone dry on the sugar situation. E is not good at keeping a running inventory of things in the house - his philosophy is: if we're out, we'll eventually buy some more. But what if the eventually is now? Now I'm screwed. I want him to stay out for a while so I can mope and get this crap out of my system. The place is nice and quiet. Just the way I like it. Depressing, but quiet. Mad TV will be on soon and so will SNL. Two reasons for me to stay home on a Saturday night. That and nobody called to ask me to do anything. Oh well.
Poo poo poop on me.
Sometimes we need days to feel crappy and down.
It's all part of the cycle.
Thanks for reading.
I will try to be more positive next post.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
We interrupt this script...
So once again, I am doing the round the clock panic sessions. Met with Charlotte last night as we perused the script once more. Stuffing our faces with Rolo ice cream and Indian food, we sat at her kitchen table, reading line by line and scratching out each word that was to, well, wordy, unnescearry, boring, lacked punch or was repetitive. There were so many marks on the page it looked like a whole barn of chickens had a fiesta all over it! But I must admit, whether it was planned or not, the Rolo Ice cream did smooth over things a bit. LOL
We moved into the office where she showed me the highlighted script. I must take a picture of that - it looks like Jason's technicolor dreamcoat!! A slash of neon yellow there, a slash of pink over blocks of text of (what i thought was funny) Carrie dialogue, and a dash of blue to show me the stuff that she liked. Pink was - pull out, Yellow was - hold on, question here, and blue was - "Me likey". I thought I was going to go blind with all those marks! But as we pulled, it became less and less painful, but still painful. We were getting tired at about 2am so she drove me home, apologizing all the way saying: "Kitty, I am so sorry that we have to do this, do you hate me? Please don't hate me! I feel horrible doing this! I know how hard you worked and everything, but it's for the good of the script". I felt like we were in a soap opera, where the doctor comes in and gives the family a difficult decision:"either he keeps his leg, and gets gangrene and dies, or we cut off his leg and he lives". Hmm lots of options there doc!! But I knew that it was true. It was only the first rough rough draft that I submitted, and had it been anybody else but her (like that TURD DUDE who was supposed to sign on to the production - Mr. No energy), I would have been crying and having temper tantrums for weeks. Thing is, I know the script is in good hands, and Charlotte and I work well together. It's all for the good of the troops!
We met again today - she really kills me though. Just before we were about to start, she pulled out the Rolo ice cream again (I was developing a weakness for it!!) and asked me if I wanted some. I replied, in jest of course: Oh so this is gonna be a brutal cutting session eh? Priming me for the big stuff now are we?? We both laughed really hard over that one. What I really like about working with her is that we both have a hair-trigger sense of humor that it breaks the tension immediately, which is good when you are both stressed, and on a deadline. So both of us stuffing our faces with the ice cream which will be the official sponsor to the show, we read, once again, line by line and joked as we did the chicken dance with our ballpoint pens all over the script.
About to collapse...
Must sleep!!!
It's almost 3am.
This is insane!
Somebody up there better be watching and if they are, I want a nice LONG VACATION IN A HOT CLIMATE AFTER ALL OF THIS IS DONE!!!
;-)
We moved into the office where she showed me the highlighted script. I must take a picture of that - it looks like Jason's technicolor dreamcoat!! A slash of neon yellow there, a slash of pink over blocks of text of (what i thought was funny) Carrie dialogue, and a dash of blue to show me the stuff that she liked. Pink was - pull out, Yellow was - hold on, question here, and blue was - "Me likey". I thought I was going to go blind with all those marks! But as we pulled, it became less and less painful, but still painful. We were getting tired at about 2am so she drove me home, apologizing all the way saying: "Kitty, I am so sorry that we have to do this, do you hate me? Please don't hate me! I feel horrible doing this! I know how hard you worked and everything, but it's for the good of the script". I felt like we were in a soap opera, where the doctor comes in and gives the family a difficult decision:"either he keeps his leg, and gets gangrene and dies, or we cut off his leg and he lives". Hmm lots of options there doc!! But I knew that it was true. It was only the first rough rough draft that I submitted, and had it been anybody else but her (like that TURD DUDE who was supposed to sign on to the production - Mr. No energy), I would have been crying and having temper tantrums for weeks. Thing is, I know the script is in good hands, and Charlotte and I work well together. It's all for the good of the troops!
We met again today - she really kills me though. Just before we were about to start, she pulled out the Rolo ice cream again (I was developing a weakness for it!!) and asked me if I wanted some. I replied, in jest of course: Oh so this is gonna be a brutal cutting session eh? Priming me for the big stuff now are we?? We both laughed really hard over that one. What I really like about working with her is that we both have a hair-trigger sense of humor that it breaks the tension immediately, which is good when you are both stressed, and on a deadline. So both of us stuffing our faces with the ice cream which will be the official sponsor to the show, we read, once again, line by line and joked as we did the chicken dance with our ballpoint pens all over the script.
About to collapse...
Must sleep!!!
It's almost 3am.
This is insane!
Somebody up there better be watching and if they are, I want a nice LONG VACATION IN A HOT CLIMATE AFTER ALL OF THIS IS DONE!!!
;-)
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Las Tunas, Cuba - January 2004.
This was my hut when I was on the beach. It was my favourite place far from the others, near the docks. Such a quiet place. I felt like going there again today. I was quite volatile and weepy, sad and lonley. I hope that the sun comes out tommorrow...
As a footnote, I got a message from someone who told me that they had mail for me from somebody at the resort I frequented. I wonder who it could be...
This was my hut when I was on the beach. It was my favourite place far from the others, near the docks. Such a quiet place. I felt like going there again today. I was quite volatile and weepy, sad and lonley. I hope that the sun comes out tommorrow...
As a footnote, I got a message from someone who told me that they had mail for me from somebody at the resort I frequented. I wonder who it could be...
Monday, March 07, 2005
The Castration of Carrie...
OMG.
I am back, but going to bed now.
I am pooped.
Just got back from Charlotte's place - she is now the director/actress of the play (which is cool - I know she will be amazing at both) and we just spent a few hours going through the script.
As it is now, it's 76 pages. We need to cut it down to 30.
I almost began to cry. That's 46 pages of my blood, sweat, tears and ulcers that we are chopping out there! I know that's the whole thing about being a writer - but OMG! That is alot of pages and imagination that I put into that work! It's all due to time constraints, which I understand, but it did rattle my cage. Charlotte was sweet about it though, she understood that it was my baby and I realized that if it had not been her, it would have been somebody else who would have taken a hacksaw to it regardless of me hemorrhaging on the floor, screaming bloody murder.
But 30 pages?
We walked throughout the first 30 pages like private investigators - line by line, sniffing out the bad stuff, keeping only the good evidence. But it was brutal. BRUTAL!!! I need to get some sleep so I can get up at the crack of dawn so I can be the first in line to buy some more self esteem and hope!!!
I am back, but going to bed now.
I am pooped.
Just got back from Charlotte's place - she is now the director/actress of the play (which is cool - I know she will be amazing at both) and we just spent a few hours going through the script.
As it is now, it's 76 pages. We need to cut it down to 30.
30!????
I almost began to cry. That's 46 pages of my blood, sweat, tears and ulcers that we are chopping out there! I know that's the whole thing about being a writer - but OMG! That is alot of pages and imagination that I put into that work! It's all due to time constraints, which I understand, but it did rattle my cage. Charlotte was sweet about it though, she understood that it was my baby and I realized that if it had not been her, it would have been somebody else who would have taken a hacksaw to it regardless of me hemorrhaging on the floor, screaming bloody murder.
But 30 pages?
We walked throughout the first 30 pages like private investigators - line by line, sniffing out the bad stuff, keeping only the good evidence. But it was brutal. BRUTAL!!! I need to get some sleep so I can get up at the crack of dawn so I can be the first in line to buy some more self esteem and hope!!!
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