Well, I am back - three hours behind everybody this side of the world, exhausted but very happy.
The festival was great, Seattle was great, met great people and had a wonderful time.
I am soo pooped but have lots to talk about.
So I will come back when I have a little more energy and sleep under my belt :-)
here is my scope for this week.
I had to laugh - apparently I was the belle of the ball at the festival...
lol
Your Week Ahead - Saturday, 25th March 2006
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Your week ahead: You have more friends, more fans, more admirers than you realise. You don't have to mount a campaign to earn approval from others. You just have to be yourself. If a relationship is now starting to prove difficult, it could be because you are trying too hard to understand someone - or worrying too much about whether they understand you. Worry less. If you are struggling to get to grips with a situation that does not make much sense, stop struggling. Stop trying. Venus and Mars are in harmony and the Moon is new in your sign this week. Just have more faith in your own natural charm and intelligence - for it will yet see you safely through from here to success.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Monday, March 20, 2006
Creepy-ness factor moved up a notch today...
I know some people scoff at this stuff, but I love it, and usually only look back on it at the end of the day to see if the 'predictions' were correct.
but this one just hit too close to my psychic antenna...
Monday, 20th March 2006
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Not everyone has to agree with you. Not even you have to agree with yourself all the time - but, sooner or later, you eventually work it out. What you may soon discover is just how prophetic you've been at predicting your own life, despite the mental and emotional turmoil you've been through lately. On one level it may seem like you've been getting accurate images of your future. Looked at another way, you've been taking your visions and, by some mysterious process you may not understand, you've been making those images real.
There's a word for it: imagination.
So that is what that crazy buzzing in my head and fluttery flutters in my belly are!
but this one just hit too close to my psychic antenna...
Monday, 20th March 2006
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Not everyone has to agree with you. Not even you have to agree with yourself all the time - but, sooner or later, you eventually work it out. What you may soon discover is just how prophetic you've been at predicting your own life, despite the mental and emotional turmoil you've been through lately. On one level it may seem like you've been getting accurate images of your future. Looked at another way, you've been taking your visions and, by some mysterious process you may not understand, you've been making those images real.
There's a word for it: imagination.
So that is what that crazy buzzing in my head and fluttery flutters in my belly are!
Meat Loaf
Leaving for Seattle in a few days and I am excited as all hell.
Nervous as all hell, but let's try not to think about that right now (she says while looking over the mass of stray post-it notes hanging on for dear life from various edges of her computer screen, filing cabinet, edges of framed prints...).
I feel scattered right now, but it's a good creative scattered. The kind of energy that makes things happen, the kind of energy that artists thrive on.
Speaking of artists, I had a wonderful weekend watching films - art film fest here, and what I saw inspired me beyond words and film stock. I saw one tonight about Ingmar Bergman. My idol.
When I first saw Persona back in 1984 in my first college film class, I was blown away. I had been fed a regular diet of all American 'slap on the fat' boring and staid plotlines and high gloss appearance, but when I saw Bergman's stark, profound and disturbing portrait of two women, in black and white, I was smitten. He quite literally changed the way I looked at cinema forever, and inspired me to use the medium the way he did - with passion, curiosity and reverence.
That is the first time I realized that I wanted to be a filmmaker. I had known for some time that I wanted to be in showbiusess, but it always seemed to be a toss up between acting, dancing and music. Film seemed strangely off limits, until I saw his films.
After Bergman was Fellini, Renais, Truffaut, Ozu, Antonioni, Wenders and the list goes on and on. After seeing these films - especially one of my top 5 films - 32 Short Films About Glen Gould, again at this festival on Friday night, there were those stirring feelings inside of my belly - the rustlings and cracklings of a fire starting.
the kind of feeling I had when I was on the road to make my films.
That creative rush that I have longed for.
I decided that this is where I have to focus my energies right now. I was telling my best buddy the other day - I have all these sparks, shards and slivers of things that have been happening to me (strange coincidences, people I have been meeting, the things I have been seeing) are stirring up this energy, and I need to channel it into a positive source. Like a meat grinder or wood chipper - in the begining, it's all the same material added in but in different forms and sizes, but in the end, they all come out neatly packed together - beef only becomes ground beef - it doesn't change it's inherent properties.
So that is what I am planning to do - put all of this crazy energy, excitement about my trip, the growing pains I am having about finding my new purpose and direction in life, (and my birthday coming up) - and throw it in the meat grinder.
And when I come back from my trip, I intend to make some kick ass meatloaf!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Birthday Suit
This is such a lovley photo from such a lovley lady - gillianleigh !!
What she wrote struck me the most.
I think I'll put in the same request for my upcoming birthday and see what happens...
Here's what she wrote...
"its my birthday today, and i feel fine!
i took this picture during a particularly rough period of time last year....was asking the universe to bring some light and new energy into my life, which it was kind enough to do. i look at this now and see a mini-renaissance, an awakening, a welcoming to a new year. very thankful for the beautiful and sublime and sometimes messy - but always interesting - things in my life :) yay!'
You go girl!!!
What she wrote struck me the most.
I think I'll put in the same request for my upcoming birthday and see what happens...
Here's what she wrote...
"its my birthday today, and i feel fine!
i took this picture during a particularly rough period of time last year....was asking the universe to bring some light and new energy into my life, which it was kind enough to do. i look at this now and see a mini-renaissance, an awakening, a welcoming to a new year. very thankful for the beautiful and sublime and sometimes messy - but always interesting - things in my life :) yay!'
You go girl!!!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
The leap...
I have come across lots of things latley on the subject of taking a leap. A really beautiful soul on flickr made a poster for me. I saw it the other day. It was so beautiful, it made me cry.
And then I read this.
Kinda freaked out in a good way...
My astro forecast for today
Weird
You push yourself way too hard sometimes, and it doesn't help that you set a standard of perfection that you can rarely meet. Current circumstances are allowing you to let go of some of that obsession. You now have an opportunity to jump over the mental resistance that does little other than slow you down and burn your energy. While there's no substitute for analysis when the time comes, there is also no substitute for intuition. There is a crucial matter, applying to your health, well-being or possibly your work - it's time to take that intuitive leap and make the adjustments that will help settle your life.
And then I read this.
Kinda freaked out in a good way...
My astro forecast for today
Weird
You push yourself way too hard sometimes, and it doesn't help that you set a standard of perfection that you can rarely meet. Current circumstances are allowing you to let go of some of that obsession. You now have an opportunity to jump over the mental resistance that does little other than slow you down and burn your energy. While there's no substitute for analysis when the time comes, there is also no substitute for intuition. There is a crucial matter, applying to your health, well-being or possibly your work - it's time to take that intuitive leap and make the adjustments that will help settle your life.
Monday, March 13, 2006
slutting for sunshine
I am such a weather whore.
My mood fluctuates with the weather. The insides of my brain compress or decompress according to the shifts in the barometric pressure.
It's hell being at the mercy of the elements.
When it's sunny outside, and it does not matter if it's cold or hot, I come alive. The cells inside of my body begin to vibrate, and in turn, make me feel incredibly alive. If I had a hat, I would pull one of those Mary Tyler Moore moves where she throws up her hat while standing on a busy downtown street. Right down to the freeze frame on the hat in mid air.*
When it's sunny outside, I am able to wake up early. Sometimes really early (well, for me that is) - like 6am early. Even the cats are surprised when I prance into the kitchen for their morning feed. They're usually still asleep, stunned that I am not shouting at them to keep quiet from meowning up a storm.
When it's sunny outside, the whole house could crumble to pieces, and I'd still have a smile no my face. Why?? Because my skin is drinking in all that vitamin D and my eyes are getting enough light to shine away the darkness of any residual bad mood that was a hang over from the night before.
And what happens when it's grey and rainy?
I turn into a monster.
I have known this for a long time - my sensitivity to light and the elements, but it was not until after I had my breakdown, and my 'mental state' was moderated by medication that we discovered a correlation between my 'winter blues' and my mood. I tried 'light therapy' which was new back then (talking about 10 years ago) and it seemed to work wonders. Every morning (usually the same time every morning was the best) I would sit in front of a light box the size of my monitor, and go about my morning rituals - eating, reading, putting on makeup etc. And for 1/2 hour every morning, I would get my 'fake sunlight' which would trick my system into thinking that I was having 'real sunlight', which would, in turn, make my body begin to produce and metabolize the vitamin D that usually came from real sunlight. Sunlight+ vitamin D = better mood.
Well, it worked in theory, but in principle, it was not as flawless.
I am a night person by nature. I get my 2nd, 3rd, 14th wind after midnight. I have tried several times during my lifetime to re-switch my clock, but have failed miserably. Just as bats usually flight only at night, I work my best when the sun goes down and the moon comes up. But the late nights turn into late mornings because I end up trying to recoup my 'lost sleep' and push it into the afternoon. Waking up at noon or 1pm is not unusual for me, but what I accomplish in the few hours between midnight and 4 am is what a 'normal person' would accomplish in an 8 hour day.
Winter and the early days of spring tend to be the worst. It's either snowing or raining. It's cold and damp (which does not bode well for my already aching joints), which a happy camper it does not make (I am never able to pull off those funny mixed up - Elizabethan sounding tenses, but you know what I mean...) . Today is the perfect example.
I was up (not willingly) at 6am. It was still grey, wet and overall shitty. I could have gone back to sleep, and wanted to as I only had 4 hours of sleep under my heavy eyelids, but the cats, sensing my stirrings, through they would try shake an early feeding from me. I pulled the pillow over my head and drifted in and out of a choppy slumber.
E left at 8ish, and that woke me up a bit. The cats decided to become affectionate and walk all over my body, finally settling down near my stomach and feet respectively. I knew that the second wave of sleep would be the heaviest, but I could not resist. The warm duvet that kept my twisted in the sheets body comfortable was more inviting than the below pleasant body temperature environment that waited for me in the rest of the house.
So I slept.
Hard.
The alarm came on at 10. 11am, then 12:30pm. The hunger pangs were stronger than the guilt ones, so I pulled myself out of bed and made my way into the kitchen. I didn't even have to look outside to know that it was going to be one of those days...
I could have done my light box thing, but the drawback to starting it later in the afternoon is my schedule re-sets itself at a later time. So there is no real point of doing it anyway. I would still be up until 2am regardless.
So I am sitting here, starting my late day, with a whole shitload of deadlines and things to do, which now seem unbelievably overwhelming, and will go about the rest of my 'things to do' list and feel shitty for the rest of the night because I have wasted a day sleeping. My only hope is that 2mrw will be a sunny day so I can open my eyes to light which will flood my blood stream and brain stem with gumption and optimism to be able to tackle the subsequent shitty days until the next nice one comes by again.
* now who remembers seeing that Family Guy episode when Peter does the same thing, and despite him being 'frozen', the rest of the world continues to move around him...
Now that was funny.
My mood fluctuates with the weather. The insides of my brain compress or decompress according to the shifts in the barometric pressure.
It's hell being at the mercy of the elements.
When it's sunny outside, and it does not matter if it's cold or hot, I come alive. The cells inside of my body begin to vibrate, and in turn, make me feel incredibly alive. If I had a hat, I would pull one of those Mary Tyler Moore moves where she throws up her hat while standing on a busy downtown street. Right down to the freeze frame on the hat in mid air.*
When it's sunny outside, I am able to wake up early. Sometimes really early (well, for me that is) - like 6am early. Even the cats are surprised when I prance into the kitchen for their morning feed. They're usually still asleep, stunned that I am not shouting at them to keep quiet from meowning up a storm.
When it's sunny outside, the whole house could crumble to pieces, and I'd still have a smile no my face. Why?? Because my skin is drinking in all that vitamin D and my eyes are getting enough light to shine away the darkness of any residual bad mood that was a hang over from the night before.
And what happens when it's grey and rainy?
I turn into a monster.
I have known this for a long time - my sensitivity to light and the elements, but it was not until after I had my breakdown, and my 'mental state' was moderated by medication that we discovered a correlation between my 'winter blues' and my mood. I tried 'light therapy' which was new back then (talking about 10 years ago) and it seemed to work wonders. Every morning (usually the same time every morning was the best) I would sit in front of a light box the size of my monitor, and go about my morning rituals - eating, reading, putting on makeup etc. And for 1/2 hour every morning, I would get my 'fake sunlight' which would trick my system into thinking that I was having 'real sunlight', which would, in turn, make my body begin to produce and metabolize the vitamin D that usually came from real sunlight. Sunlight+ vitamin D = better mood.
Well, it worked in theory, but in principle, it was not as flawless.
I am a night person by nature. I get my 2nd, 3rd, 14th wind after midnight. I have tried several times during my lifetime to re-switch my clock, but have failed miserably. Just as bats usually flight only at night, I work my best when the sun goes down and the moon comes up. But the late nights turn into late mornings because I end up trying to recoup my 'lost sleep' and push it into the afternoon. Waking up at noon or 1pm is not unusual for me, but what I accomplish in the few hours between midnight and 4 am is what a 'normal person' would accomplish in an 8 hour day.
Winter and the early days of spring tend to be the worst. It's either snowing or raining. It's cold and damp (which does not bode well for my already aching joints), which a happy camper it does not make (I am never able to pull off those funny mixed up - Elizabethan sounding tenses, but you know what I mean...) . Today is the perfect example.
I was up (not willingly) at 6am. It was still grey, wet and overall shitty. I could have gone back to sleep, and wanted to as I only had 4 hours of sleep under my heavy eyelids, but the cats, sensing my stirrings, through they would try shake an early feeding from me. I pulled the pillow over my head and drifted in and out of a choppy slumber.
E left at 8ish, and that woke me up a bit. The cats decided to become affectionate and walk all over my body, finally settling down near my stomach and feet respectively. I knew that the second wave of sleep would be the heaviest, but I could not resist. The warm duvet that kept my twisted in the sheets body comfortable was more inviting than the below pleasant body temperature environment that waited for me in the rest of the house.
So I slept.
Hard.
The alarm came on at 10. 11am, then 12:30pm. The hunger pangs were stronger than the guilt ones, so I pulled myself out of bed and made my way into the kitchen. I didn't even have to look outside to know that it was going to be one of those days...
I could have done my light box thing, but the drawback to starting it later in the afternoon is my schedule re-sets itself at a later time. So there is no real point of doing it anyway. I would still be up until 2am regardless.
So I am sitting here, starting my late day, with a whole shitload of deadlines and things to do, which now seem unbelievably overwhelming, and will go about the rest of my 'things to do' list and feel shitty for the rest of the night because I have wasted a day sleeping. My only hope is that 2mrw will be a sunny day so I can open my eyes to light which will flood my blood stream and brain stem with gumption and optimism to be able to tackle the subsequent shitty days until the next nice one comes by again.
* now who remembers seeing that Family Guy episode when Peter does the same thing, and despite him being 'frozen', the rest of the world continues to move around him...
Now that was funny.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Lactulose intolerant
Well, well well.
Just when I thought things could not get any more interesting in my life, or ironic, I find myself in the hospital the other day - the emergency ward hooked up to all kinds of lines and wires while a doctor peers down at me and says: you know, this is very rare for people to react to this kind of medication the way you did, very rare indeed.
I was having a severe and almost life threatening reaction to a medication that is so widely used, even my 85 year old grandmother has used it.
Leave it to me and my Sienfeld-esque life - events like this just seem to fall into my lap. And now, a few days later, I laugh at the irony - I am so special, I am one of a miniscule percentage of the population that is allergic to some preservative that is found in a common stool softener/constipation reliever.
I told you my life was weird...
Nothing dramatic as a bee sting, peanut allergy (not that I am dismissing their severity - those are potentially life threating) - an allergic reaction to something that makes you shit.
shit!
As I lie in the resuscitation room, and was about 20 minutes out of danger, the nurse looked at the intern who was supervising my blips and heart beats and said: Lactulose? That's just water + sugar = candy!
So apparently a medication that was supposed to be as harmless as a chocolate bar triggered a reaction in my body so severe, my blood pressure dropped to a dangerous low, developed a rash that covered most of my face, arms and chest and began to close my throat to such a degree that I was unable to swallow and had begun to gasp for breath as my throat began to close.
how fucked up is that!?
I was feeling kinda woozy after the first tablespoon, and knew that this was not normal. I hopped on the internet and went to all my medical sites, but could not find anything more than if you experience cramping, vomiting or sharp pains in the abdomen, seek medical attention. At this point, I was feeling faint, was spacing out way too much, and began to lose control of my hand and leg muscles.
High Alert. This is not NORMAL!
I began to panic a little, but figured that it was something similar to the Benylin high I experienced as a kid - took a little too much of the stuff to calm a bad cough, and not being able to find a tablespoon in the middle of the night, and way to sick to go on a cutlery expedition, I just too a swig and fell back into bed.
a swig as in a swig from a mickey of Gin...
The next thing I know, I am awake and floating around the room in a stoned stupor that would rival Cheech Marin's best trip.
At first, I panicked (I was only 11 - had not yet tried cannabis) and was thinking of waking my mom to rush me to the hospital, but as I began to relax, I realized that I was high as a kite and began to enjoy my free ride. I spent the rest of the night doing somersaults on my bed, surprised that my thuds of my feet hitting the wall didn't wake anybody up.
But this was different...
Over the years and after numerous hospital calls and bouts of all that can ail someone, I have come to know my body well - like a well oiled machine, the slightest tick or rumble will alert me to take stock, slow down and examine the inner workings as best as I can.
It was only after the 4th site did I see a list of my symptoms - and in bold - if experiencing these symptoms, seek medical attention immediately - this may be the beginning of a serious allergic reaction.
Yummy.
By this time, I was beginning to worry about my inability to swallow and the accelerating speed of which the room was spinning. I turned off my computer, trying hard to keep my composure while feeling my way along the walls into my bedroom.
One thing I have learned after all my emergency room calls is - always bring a clean pair of underwear and a toothbrush. I have spent countless first nights in the hospital, cursing myself because I felt like I had lived in my panties for a week, and had a tongue that felt like an unpaved road. So despite my stumbling, and shallow breathing, I made sure to prepare myself.
The breathing became more labored as the seconds went by. I tried to ask E to call 911, but found that I was losing my voice, and that experiencing air through a shrinking airway was not a wise thing to do. He insisted on driving me, despite my pleas for an alternative solution. I realize that he was trying to help, and I thank him for that. It worried me because a) had I gone into shock, and was not able to breathe at all, the paramedics would have had an epi-pen to calm the initial stages of the reaction, and had some O2 for me to suck on, but their reaction time in the past (like when I began to hemorrhage internally after having some surgery to remove some gunk in my gallbaldder region) has been slow at best. He made a judgment call and it was the right one - but he could have burned through more red lights - especially at a crosswalk where there is absolutely nobody in sight for miles. It looked like a scene from a movie. He is waiting for the light to change, (it had just turned red) and I sat in the seat next to him, groping at my throat with my other hand on the front of his jacket pulling him towards me, whispering angrily - BURN THE LIGHT! BURN THE FUCKEN LIGHT!
Yea, movie material...
Woody Allen and Bette Midler
So to make a long story short, I flopped on the nearest bed on wheels and began to fade in and out of consciousness. I was wheeled in right away - take her to recess 1 . Resuscitation room. I know the jargon already.
And as I lie there, my body going numb, face tingling, lips puckering on their own (that was so weird!! ) struggling for my next breath, one of the ER docs grabs my arm and plunges a needle into my vein and begins to pump in some Benadryl. I didn't know which was worse - the feeling that my arm was about to be ripped open or the fact that I could not breathe! I still have a nasty bruise on my forearm to prove it!
So after being asked 100 questions (I have the routine down pat - I actually cut down question time by having all my meds and medical history typed out on a little card stuck in my wallet. It's a real hit with the attending staff wow! You're so organized! is what I'm often told), I began to sleep and drift in and out of dreamland while the medication began to kick in.
I spent a good 5 hours in the emerg - being downgraded from the recess room to hallway, which was a good thing. It was 4:30am by the time E drove us home. We were both glad to be back - a hallway is not the Holiday Inn. The next morning, I felt as if I had been twice overed by a steam roller. It was not until yesterday that I began to feel like I was a 3 dimensional human being again.
And today - more medical appointments. I have something funky going on in the upper right side of my stomach. I had my gallbaldder removed, so unless I have a phantom gallbladder making imaginary stones, I don't know what this is. I thought it was menstrual cramps (because the pain goes down pretty low) but the doctors are stumped. I was rushed into an abdominal ultrasound this morning, watched as the technician hummed and hawed while scanning my belly and ovaries. There were to pauses and clicks to be 'normal'. They found something but they didn't really tell me much - it's just a preliminary report they said. It didn't make me feel any better.
So next week, I am off to see an allergist, then to my GP for my ultrasound and results of my blood workup. And all of this a week before I go to Seattle. Not to mention 3 weeks before my 38th birthday.
Did I say 38th? I meant 33rd...
And I have a brand new Epi-pen to take with me wherever I go.
I misplace my keys al the time - and they are on a huge round keychain - superintendent huge. Perhaps I will have to attach the Epi-pen around my neck.
Ralph Lauren - look out! Hpk has just made a new fashion statement!
Just when I thought things could not get any more interesting in my life, or ironic, I find myself in the hospital the other day - the emergency ward hooked up to all kinds of lines and wires while a doctor peers down at me and says: you know, this is very rare for people to react to this kind of medication the way you did, very rare indeed.
I was having a severe and almost life threatening reaction to a medication that is so widely used, even my 85 year old grandmother has used it.
Leave it to me and my Sienfeld-esque life - events like this just seem to fall into my lap. And now, a few days later, I laugh at the irony - I am so special, I am one of a miniscule percentage of the population that is allergic to some preservative that is found in a common stool softener/constipation reliever.
I told you my life was weird...
Nothing dramatic as a bee sting, peanut allergy (not that I am dismissing their severity - those are potentially life threating) - an allergic reaction to something that makes you shit.
shit!
As I lie in the resuscitation room, and was about 20 minutes out of danger, the nurse looked at the intern who was supervising my blips and heart beats and said: Lactulose? That's just water + sugar = candy!
So apparently a medication that was supposed to be as harmless as a chocolate bar triggered a reaction in my body so severe, my blood pressure dropped to a dangerous low, developed a rash that covered most of my face, arms and chest and began to close my throat to such a degree that I was unable to swallow and had begun to gasp for breath as my throat began to close.
how fucked up is that!?
I was feeling kinda woozy after the first tablespoon, and knew that this was not normal. I hopped on the internet and went to all my medical sites, but could not find anything more than if you experience cramping, vomiting or sharp pains in the abdomen, seek medical attention. At this point, I was feeling faint, was spacing out way too much, and began to lose control of my hand and leg muscles.
High Alert. This is not NORMAL!
I began to panic a little, but figured that it was something similar to the Benylin high I experienced as a kid - took a little too much of the stuff to calm a bad cough, and not being able to find a tablespoon in the middle of the night, and way to sick to go on a cutlery expedition, I just too a swig and fell back into bed.
a swig as in a swig from a mickey of Gin...
The next thing I know, I am awake and floating around the room in a stoned stupor that would rival Cheech Marin's best trip.
At first, I panicked (I was only 11 - had not yet tried cannabis) and was thinking of waking my mom to rush me to the hospital, but as I began to relax, I realized that I was high as a kite and began to enjoy my free ride. I spent the rest of the night doing somersaults on my bed, surprised that my thuds of my feet hitting the wall didn't wake anybody up.
But this was different...
Over the years and after numerous hospital calls and bouts of all that can ail someone, I have come to know my body well - like a well oiled machine, the slightest tick or rumble will alert me to take stock, slow down and examine the inner workings as best as I can.
It was only after the 4th site did I see a list of my symptoms - and in bold - if experiencing these symptoms, seek medical attention immediately - this may be the beginning of a serious allergic reaction.
Yummy.
By this time, I was beginning to worry about my inability to swallow and the accelerating speed of which the room was spinning. I turned off my computer, trying hard to keep my composure while feeling my way along the walls into my bedroom.
One thing I have learned after all my emergency room calls is - always bring a clean pair of underwear and a toothbrush. I have spent countless first nights in the hospital, cursing myself because I felt like I had lived in my panties for a week, and had a tongue that felt like an unpaved road. So despite my stumbling, and shallow breathing, I made sure to prepare myself.
The breathing became more labored as the seconds went by. I tried to ask E to call 911, but found that I was losing my voice, and that experiencing air through a shrinking airway was not a wise thing to do. He insisted on driving me, despite my pleas for an alternative solution. I realize that he was trying to help, and I thank him for that. It worried me because a) had I gone into shock, and was not able to breathe at all, the paramedics would have had an epi-pen to calm the initial stages of the reaction, and had some O2 for me to suck on, but their reaction time in the past (like when I began to hemorrhage internally after having some surgery to remove some gunk in my gallbaldder region) has been slow at best. He made a judgment call and it was the right one - but he could have burned through more red lights - especially at a crosswalk where there is absolutely nobody in sight for miles. It looked like a scene from a movie. He is waiting for the light to change, (it had just turned red) and I sat in the seat next to him, groping at my throat with my other hand on the front of his jacket pulling him towards me, whispering angrily - BURN THE LIGHT! BURN THE FUCKEN LIGHT!
Yea, movie material...
Woody Allen and Bette Midler
So to make a long story short, I flopped on the nearest bed on wheels and began to fade in and out of consciousness. I was wheeled in right away - take her to recess 1 . Resuscitation room. I know the jargon already.
And as I lie there, my body going numb, face tingling, lips puckering on their own (that was so weird!! ) struggling for my next breath, one of the ER docs grabs my arm and plunges a needle into my vein and begins to pump in some Benadryl. I didn't know which was worse - the feeling that my arm was about to be ripped open or the fact that I could not breathe! I still have a nasty bruise on my forearm to prove it!
So after being asked 100 questions (I have the routine down pat - I actually cut down question time by having all my meds and medical history typed out on a little card stuck in my wallet. It's a real hit with the attending staff wow! You're so organized! is what I'm often told), I began to sleep and drift in and out of dreamland while the medication began to kick in.
I spent a good 5 hours in the emerg - being downgraded from the recess room to hallway, which was a good thing. It was 4:30am by the time E drove us home. We were both glad to be back - a hallway is not the Holiday Inn. The next morning, I felt as if I had been twice overed by a steam roller. It was not until yesterday that I began to feel like I was a 3 dimensional human being again.
And today - more medical appointments. I have something funky going on in the upper right side of my stomach. I had my gallbaldder removed, so unless I have a phantom gallbladder making imaginary stones, I don't know what this is. I thought it was menstrual cramps (because the pain goes down pretty low) but the doctors are stumped. I was rushed into an abdominal ultrasound this morning, watched as the technician hummed and hawed while scanning my belly and ovaries. There were to pauses and clicks to be 'normal'. They found something but they didn't really tell me much - it's just a preliminary report they said. It didn't make me feel any better.
So next week, I am off to see an allergist, then to my GP for my ultrasound and results of my blood workup. And all of this a week before I go to Seattle. Not to mention 3 weeks before my 38th birthday.
Did I say 38th? I meant 33rd...
And I have a brand new Epi-pen to take with me wherever I go.
I misplace my keys al the time - and they are on a huge round keychain - superintendent huge. Perhaps I will have to attach the Epi-pen around my neck.
Ralph Lauren - look out! Hpk has just made a new fashion statement!
Friday, March 10, 2006
NYC
I almost fell off my chair when I saw this.
Lemoox you kill me!!
Not only do you make the most amazing and beautiful paintings, you have a wonderful sense of humour that always makes me smile - a grin from ear to ear!!!
Lemoox you kill me!!
Not only do you make the most amazing and beautiful paintings, you have a wonderful sense of humour that always makes me smile - a grin from ear to ear!!!
Monday, March 06, 2006
Words of inspiration from good old Fred.
"There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only the infinite passion of life"
Frederico Fellini
.
Happy happy, oi oi.
This sounds really cool.
As I sit here under my artificial/simulated sun lamp, I wonder if I will ever get the 'real job' I have been waiting for, if I'll ever find the energy to really make a move - get off my ass to do something about it?!
I think I need a life coach - somebody to whip my ass into shape (visions of Burgess Meredith in Rocky) and help me to find the right tactic, game plan to get back on track and win!
When I went to the last school reunion (the follow up from last year's big 25th) last month, I sat with an old friend of mine. I think I mentioned her in previous posts - she adopted me because I was an only child and she had 2 brothers 4 sisters -
but
I digress.
She was my biggest advocate - she really pulled me out of my shell in high school. It's thanks to her that I entered CEGEP with a bold smile and 'ready to conquer the world' spirit.
And as we reminisced about the good old days, she spoke of my recent works - my blogs, my photos, my movies:
HPK - your photos are breathtaking, your writing is amazing - your films are fantastic! What do you want to do? Yes, you can do all of them and love all of them, but I think you need to pick one and focus!
but I love all of them, and want to do them all, and for the first time in my life, I am agreeing with your positive feedback! I am good at all of them!
As I sit here under my artificial/simulated sun lamp, I wonder if I will ever get the 'real job' I have been waiting for, if I'll ever find the energy to really make a move - get off my ass to do something about it?!
I think I need a life coach - somebody to whip my ass into shape (visions of Burgess Meredith in Rocky) and help me to find the right tactic, game plan to get back on track and win!
When I went to the last school reunion (the follow up from last year's big 25th) last month, I sat with an old friend of mine. I think I mentioned her in previous posts - she adopted me because I was an only child and she had 2 brothers 4 sisters -
but
I digress.
She was my biggest advocate - she really pulled me out of my shell in high school. It's thanks to her that I entered CEGEP with a bold smile and 'ready to conquer the world' spirit.
And as we reminisced about the good old days, she spoke of my recent works - my blogs, my photos, my movies:
HPK - your photos are breathtaking, your writing is amazing - your films are fantastic! What do you want to do? Yes, you can do all of them and love all of them, but I think you need to pick one and focus!
but I love all of them, and want to do them all, and for the first time in my life, I am agreeing with your positive feedback! I am good at all of them!
and I have tried to, I've attempted to sort, pick, work at that , but shit happens -
life throws you a few curve balls (too many in my case) some manic depression thrown in for good measure - just to keep things interesting, and then presto - you find yourself 28 days from your 38th birthday and a big fat tail between your legs and a huge neon sign that says - loser over your head.
I've been doing a lot of cleaning - house/mental/personal stuff. (The physical will come later when I am strong enough for a good colon cleansing and a little fasting) There are some things that are harder to get rid of than others - the main one being the view I hold of myself.
I re-read this blog (thank God I decided to keep it! My memory is so shot lately!) and go over some of the amazing accomplishments I have achieved in the past year - two amazing projects where I did some kick ass cinematography, three amazing trips to NYC (by myself!) and a play.
A fucken play
a play that should out 13 out of 14 shows
a play that was the talk of the town
a play that took the fringe festival by storm
a play that was actually the career launch for many actors
and what am I doing with all of this?
nothing
it's so sad when I think about it, but I can't seem to make it work for me. How do you sell a product when you are not even sure that it works/is up to what you make it to be?
who is this voice of despair and judgment and how do I keep it quiet?!
(I laugh as I have a visual of the play when Samantha tells Charlotte to stick a sock in it - and Peter actually shoving a sock in her mouth. Now that was funny...)
So what to do?
I've had waaay too much strong coffee (can you say industrial cleanser?) and am waiting for some smelly dirty French men to lug a bureau (that is so long, it seems to go on forever) up my 3 flights of Escher-like stairs.
I am antsy and worried.
Some people say that my mom's cancer/tumor was because she had pent up anger towards her sister and ex husband, along with other 'pent ' up angers. That sounds legit. The anger and bad energy in the body has to go somewhere; but I wonder where my anxiety and worry will go to? I think that I might have some sort of brain malfunction one day - too much going on in there at one time - too much noise
can somebody please turn the sound down or change the channel?
but please - no elevator music or soft rock
I'd rather scrape my eyes out
Sunday, March 05, 2006
And the winner is...
Hmm.
Oscars tonight - I wonder who will win what?
I am usually pumped about the Oscars, but today and for the past day I have been feeling kind of defeated, lost out to some other half-assed rogue chemical who is reeking havoc on my body.
Why do I feel so crappy?
When will this rollercoaster ride slow down?
When will I get a hold of myself and get down to business?
I am just feeling shitty -
- despite the fact that it's beautiful outside,
- despite the fact that I got a whole new wardrobe (including two kick ass coats and a beautiful pair of Hush Puppies Boots for only 5$) at a second hand store last night- tax in for $50!
- despite the fact that I have it better than most people (but then again, in some things I don't, but I won't go there...)
why?
I was doing some introspection last night - asking some hard hitting questions that I have been avoiding since the beginning of winter. Questions like:
where do I get all this negative energy from?
where is the root of all of this, and when I find it, can I remove it for good?
will I always be fighting these demons?
can I pinpoint exactly where these 'negative' filters have come from?
I did some digging - and it was interesting the correlations I managed to see between a and b:
my need for approval stems from the fact that I was always expected to fail when I was a kid
Although my parents wanted the best for me, and had hope that I would turn out to be an upstanding citizen, I was always considered to be the worst case scenario. An accident waiting to happen. so what did you break now? What have you done now? You know, you are not going to be able to finish what you started - like you always do...
I think the world always' can be such a toxic word. It holds so much potential - for promise and failure. It builds up such expectations, so many absolutes that can be hard to escape.
You will always be the same - you'll never change
aha, the word never. Another toxic soup of nouns and concensus.
You'll never change
you'll never get your shit together
you'll never go anywhere
you'll never graduate
you'll never get your life in order
you'll never succeed
you'll never finish what you've started
I have mapped it out to the following -
I was a dreamer - full of visions and outlandish ideas -
I was always thining of was to bring these things to life -
I was only a kid so therefore I had no real concept of impossibilities -
I spoke to people about my ideas and was distraught when I was told it's impossible, it will never happen, you won't be able to do that... -
I became devastated when I was shown the impossibilities and the outrageousness of my ideas -
I felt stupid because how could I expect to do /think/want something so ssilly/outrageous/impossible ?
so therefore - my 'dreams' were nipped in the bud before any steps to a solution/alternative were even presented/explored.
wow.
heavy shit
I wanted some input, encouragement to follow my dreams, but all I got was negative input, and discouragement because I could never pull it off (because of my track record for failure) so I was not encouraged to even explore the possibilities!
track record of failure
What kid does not have a track record of failure?
isn't' that what being a kid is all about?!
so now what?
So now what...
I've read a lot about healing the inner child and for the longest time thought that was such bullshit, but now am wondering if there is some validity in it. Would telling my inner child that you had the right to try things and fail - that was all part of growing up, and nobody should have faulted you for exploring! You are free of what your parents think, what anybody else thinks - you are your own person now. You have come a long way. You have been hurt and blamed for many things, but now, I'm here to tell you that I love you and you are just perfect and I love you for who you are.
On the surface, it sounds like a bunch of new age shlock. What does my inner child care - I mean, do I actually have one?! I'm going to be fucken 38 years old!! How can part of me still be a child when my face is starting to wrinkle, my body is gearing up for perio-menopausal stage and I have enough memories and experiences to write two series of encyclopedias of life experiences!
Have I silenced my own inner child?
Am I ashamed of my own inner child?
shit
Lots of heavy stuff to sort out.
After years of therapy and introspection, I have figured out why I have done, lived, reacted, believed the things that I believed were right in the past. I've sorted out why I went after 'all the wrong men", 'why I needed to make my life miserable" because I had this self fulfilling prophecy that I was doomed to fail because I couldn't do was right in the eyes of others - but there is still a child that hurts. A little voice that just won't go away creeps into my head when confusion and thoughts of panic seep into my consciousness. I know it's silly, and I know that it's not reasonable, and my analytical mind tries to sort it out and put it away, but she keeps coming back.
How do you begin to heal a child who has been damaged beyond repair?
Can she ever heal?
Will she ever be able to understand?
I guess this is the next step of my journey.
Turning inward to fins my spiritual center has put me in touch with this innocent child.
Is that what our spiritual centers are? A child who is perfect, in awe the world around it, fearless and open to life as only a child can be?
wonder wonder
Can I re-birth this thing? This child?
And if so, how painful/pleasurable will it be?
Oscars tonight - I wonder who will win what?
I am usually pumped about the Oscars, but today and for the past day I have been feeling kind of defeated, lost out to some other half-assed rogue chemical who is reeking havoc on my body.
Why do I feel so crappy?
When will this rollercoaster ride slow down?
When will I get a hold of myself and get down to business?
I am just feeling shitty -
- despite the fact that it's beautiful outside,
- despite the fact that I got a whole new wardrobe (including two kick ass coats and a beautiful pair of Hush Puppies Boots for only 5$) at a second hand store last night- tax in for $50!
- despite the fact that I have it better than most people (but then again, in some things I don't, but I won't go there...)
why?
I was doing some introspection last night - asking some hard hitting questions that I have been avoiding since the beginning of winter. Questions like:
where do I get all this negative energy from?
where is the root of all of this, and when I find it, can I remove it for good?
will I always be fighting these demons?
can I pinpoint exactly where these 'negative' filters have come from?
I did some digging - and it was interesting the correlations I managed to see between a and b:
my need for approval stems from the fact that I was always expected to fail when I was a kid
Although my parents wanted the best for me, and had hope that I would turn out to be an upstanding citizen, I was always considered to be the worst case scenario. An accident waiting to happen. so what did you break now? What have you done now? You know, you are not going to be able to finish what you started - like you always do...
I think the world always' can be such a toxic word. It holds so much potential - for promise and failure. It builds up such expectations, so many absolutes that can be hard to escape.
You will always be the same - you'll never change
aha, the word never. Another toxic soup of nouns and concensus.
You'll never change
you'll never get your shit together
you'll never go anywhere
you'll never graduate
you'll never get your life in order
you'll never succeed
you'll never finish what you've started
I have mapped it out to the following -
I was a dreamer - full of visions and outlandish ideas -
I was always thining of was to bring these things to life -
I was only a kid so therefore I had no real concept of impossibilities -
I spoke to people about my ideas and was distraught when I was told it's impossible, it will never happen, you won't be able to do that... -
I became devastated when I was shown the impossibilities and the outrageousness of my ideas -
I felt stupid because how could I expect to do /think/want something so ssilly/outrageous/impossible ?
so therefore - my 'dreams' were nipped in the bud before any steps to a solution/alternative were even presented/explored.
wow.
heavy shit
I wanted some input, encouragement to follow my dreams, but all I got was negative input, and discouragement because I could never pull it off (because of my track record for failure) so I was not encouraged to even explore the possibilities!
track record of failure
What kid does not have a track record of failure?
isn't' that what being a kid is all about?!
so now what?
So now what...
I've read a lot about healing the inner child and for the longest time thought that was such bullshit, but now am wondering if there is some validity in it. Would telling my inner child that you had the right to try things and fail - that was all part of growing up, and nobody should have faulted you for exploring! You are free of what your parents think, what anybody else thinks - you are your own person now. You have come a long way. You have been hurt and blamed for many things, but now, I'm here to tell you that I love you and you are just perfect and I love you for who you are.
On the surface, it sounds like a bunch of new age shlock. What does my inner child care - I mean, do I actually have one?! I'm going to be fucken 38 years old!! How can part of me still be a child when my face is starting to wrinkle, my body is gearing up for perio-menopausal stage and I have enough memories and experiences to write two series of encyclopedias of life experiences!
Have I silenced my own inner child?
Am I ashamed of my own inner child?
shit
Lots of heavy stuff to sort out.
After years of therapy and introspection, I have figured out why I have done, lived, reacted, believed the things that I believed were right in the past. I've sorted out why I went after 'all the wrong men", 'why I needed to make my life miserable" because I had this self fulfilling prophecy that I was doomed to fail because I couldn't do was right in the eyes of others - but there is still a child that hurts. A little voice that just won't go away creeps into my head when confusion and thoughts of panic seep into my consciousness. I know it's silly, and I know that it's not reasonable, and my analytical mind tries to sort it out and put it away, but she keeps coming back.
How do you begin to heal a child who has been damaged beyond repair?
Can she ever heal?
Will she ever be able to understand?
I guess this is the next step of my journey.
Turning inward to fins my spiritual center has put me in touch with this innocent child.
Is that what our spiritual centers are? A child who is perfect, in awe the world around it, fearless and open to life as only a child can be?
wonder wonder
Can I re-birth this thing? This child?
And if so, how painful/pleasurable will it be?
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Everybody!
This is my little dedication I put together for all my flickr friends who have been so supportive of me during this whole time my mother and I were going through the cancer thing.
I am constantly in awe by how amazing this community is - all those people, all that love and positive energy! It really worked wonders for both of us.
I am constantly in awe by how amazing this community is - all those people, all that love and positive energy! It really worked wonders for both of us.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Photography Lesson...
I stumbled upon this site (don't ask me how - I already have 20 windows open, and trying to trace back the steps is getting me dizzy - these pretzels are making me thirsty!!!** ) but I had to share (and make a mental note for myself).
For a real interesting look at photography around the world and other places:
it's called Conscientious - a weblog about photography, art, and life.
check it out - expand your mind. Discuss.
I will be back on the weekend to talk about my synchronous week (and what my Psychic advisor told me...)
** Do I have to tell you who said this? lol
For a real interesting look at photography around the world and other places:
it's called Conscientious - a weblog about photography, art, and life.
check it out - expand your mind. Discuss.
I will be back on the weekend to talk about my synchronous week (and what my Psychic advisor told me...)
** Do I have to tell you who said this? lol
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Once more - with feeling.
Hmm. Synchronicities, coincidences, chance events - it seems that every time I allow myself to open up to the powers of the universe, things just happen to fly in my direction. Weird things like people who call me that I have not spoken to in years, a certain obscure song that pops on the radio when I had just been thinking about it a few hours ago, coming across something on the street - like when I was in Grand Central Station in NYC, and I found one card, 2 of Hearts, just lying there, all alone waiting for me to pick it up. Did it have meaning? of course it did, but I wont go into that now, but there were these strange things that kept on happening when I kept myself open and put forth these questions like: am I going in the right direction? Am I making the right choices? Am I supposed to be here? And thankfully, it worked like a charm for my first, second and third time in NYC. Now today is just strange (I know, I have still to talk about what happened last Friday -all that Wayne Dyer stuff. And speaking of him - well, just read on...)
So today, went with my mom to see if her bandage needed to be fixed. Turns out she was in the wrong clinic at the wrong time. The doc took one look, said okay and that was it. Two hours and the headache of trying to find parking just for a 2 minute consult.
We went to the hospital cafeteria for some coffee. They serve Starbucks (or as I like to call it - Petroleiumbucks...) and I needed some java so I took the plunge. (its only kicking in now - I am a jittery mess. And the mild looked like mud. euch. I thought I was having cream with my coffee, not coffee with my cream!) My mom and I had a great talk. It seems like hospital cafeterias are just conducive to our 'peeling the onions' in our lives, which is all good.
So after some yapping, we went shopping (which was funny - so girly girly - spending waay too much time trying on the 1001 shades of lipstick from EVERY BRAND) and then she drove me home. On the way, we talked about how "things happen for a reason" and that sometimes we have to surrender to what feels right in our gut. To trust that the universe is looking out for you. I guess that is one way we are looking at her cancer - a second chance at life. It forced her to slow down, re-assess what is important in her life and make the required changes.
SOOO - I get home and my landlord (imagine Santa Clause with strawberry blonde hair and red nose from too much wine consumption) was tooling away in my toilet. We exchanged some hardware stories and antidotes and I went off to check my email. This is what I found in the one dumping at 2pm:
- an email from the susan jeffers site on an article called: EIGHT SIMPLE STEPS TO A MIRACLE
- my Daily Ohm about quiet intuition
- this really wild thing called the Ted prize.
Each year we will honor a maximum of three individuals who have shown that they can, in some way, positively impact life on this planet.
We are looking for inventors and entrepreneurs, designers and artists, visionaries and mavericks, protectors and persuaders. Our goal is to honor and empower these people by connecting them to the formidable resources of the TED community. Our prize-winners may be very different, but they will have this in common: They will be doing something that has extraordinary potential. Something whose positive influence could spread, transcending borders. Something that can contribute to the future of life on earth.
Rather than simply receiving financial support, winners of the TED Prize will be granted something extraordinary: something which children dream about, but which adults assume is merely the stuff of fairy-tales.
They will be granted a WISH to change the world.
They may wish for anything. And we will seek to make their wish come true.
We will allow our winners several months in which to formulate their wish. We want them to think big, and we want them to fully understand the range of resources the TED Community may be able to offer them. We are willing to spend -- in hard cash -- $100,000 on each winner. And our goal is to convert this into received value that is an order of magnitude greater. How?
By connecting our winners into the heart of the TED community
By tapping into the enthusiastic support of our team of sponsors and partners
By working with our winners to deliver something creative and big and bold and wonderful.
Now that in itself sounds really wild. The past winner was a woman documentary filmmaker...
- then an update from Barnes and Noble notifying me of a book 'that I might like"
And you ask (out of politeness) which book is that?
Well, I'll tell you.
Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling
and the publisher's blurb:
Dr. Wayne Dyer wants us to listen up. He insists that there's a voice in the universe calling each of us to remember and live our purpose. In Inspiration, he explains how we can achieve our ultimate purpose by moving through the world of spirit to inspiration. Groundbreaking affirmations.
There's a voice in the universe calling each of us to remember our purpose, our reason for being here now, in this world of impermanence. The voice whispers, shouts, and sings to us that this experience of being in form, in space and time, knowing life and death, has meaning. The voice is that of inspiration, which is within each and every one of us. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer explains how we've chosen to enter this world of particles and form. From our place of origin, in ways that we don't readily comprehend now, we knew what we were coming here to accomplish, and we participated in setting this life process in motion. So why not think this same way? Why put the responsibility or blame on any one or any thing that's not a part of us? On Earth we have the capacity of volition we can choose, so let's assume that we had the same capacity when we resided in the spiritual realm. We chose our physical body, and we chose the parents we needed for the tdoesn'tIt doesn't seem too great a stretch to move into the idea that we chose this life in concert with our Source. Each chapter in this book is filled with specifics for living an inspired life. From a very personal viewpoint, Wayne Dyer offers a blueprint through the world of spirit to inspiration, your ultimate calling.
Hmm, sounds like all of these emails and notifications came at the same time, one after another is beyond a strange coincidence. Yea, I can hear all of the determinist out there saying stuff about free will, bla bla bla. Yea. I know, but how many things have to happen that seem like they are related to one another for you to say : yea, this is creepy - a little mjustthan jsut a chance.
But I digress.
I am bursting my own bubble...
So it's just strange - how I connected with that doc who is interested in seeing my film, putting me in touch with some doctors who specialize and research mental illness and creativity, and the fact that he wants me to show my film to a study patients paitents so I can tell them about my journey to hell and back.
hmm.
Well, im off to a vernisage - just because it feels right.
I will let you know how it turned out.
So today, went with my mom to see if her bandage needed to be fixed. Turns out she was in the wrong clinic at the wrong time. The doc took one look, said okay and that was it. Two hours and the headache of trying to find parking just for a 2 minute consult.
We went to the hospital cafeteria for some coffee. They serve Starbucks (or as I like to call it - Petroleiumbucks...) and I needed some java so I took the plunge. (its only kicking in now - I am a jittery mess. And the mild looked like mud. euch. I thought I was having cream with my coffee, not coffee with my cream!) My mom and I had a great talk. It seems like hospital cafeterias are just conducive to our 'peeling the onions' in our lives, which is all good.
So after some yapping, we went shopping (which was funny - so girly girly - spending waay too much time trying on the 1001 shades of lipstick from EVERY BRAND) and then she drove me home. On the way, we talked about how "things happen for a reason" and that sometimes we have to surrender to what feels right in our gut. To trust that the universe is looking out for you. I guess that is one way we are looking at her cancer - a second chance at life. It forced her to slow down, re-assess what is important in her life and make the required changes.
SOOO - I get home and my landlord (imagine Santa Clause with strawberry blonde hair and red nose from too much wine consumption) was tooling away in my toilet. We exchanged some hardware stories and antidotes and I went off to check my email. This is what I found in the one dumping at 2pm:
- an email from the susan jeffers site on an article called: EIGHT SIMPLE STEPS TO A MIRACLE
- my Daily Ohm about quiet intuition
- this really wild thing called the Ted prize.
Each year we will honor a maximum of three individuals who have shown that they can, in some way, positively impact life on this planet.
We are looking for inventors and entrepreneurs, designers and artists, visionaries and mavericks, protectors and persuaders. Our goal is to honor and empower these people by connecting them to the formidable resources of the TED community. Our prize-winners may be very different, but they will have this in common: They will be doing something that has extraordinary potential. Something whose positive influence could spread, transcending borders. Something that can contribute to the future of life on earth.
Rather than simply receiving financial support, winners of the TED Prize will be granted something extraordinary: something which children dream about, but which adults assume is merely the stuff of fairy-tales.
They will be granted a WISH to change the world.
They may wish for anything. And we will seek to make their wish come true.
We will allow our winners several months in which to formulate their wish. We want them to think big, and we want them to fully understand the range of resources the TED Community may be able to offer them. We are willing to spend -- in hard cash -- $100,000 on each winner. And our goal is to convert this into received value that is an order of magnitude greater. How?
By connecting our winners into the heart of the TED community
By tapping into the enthusiastic support of our team of sponsors and partners
By working with our winners to deliver something creative and big and bold and wonderful.
Now that in itself sounds really wild. The past winner was a woman documentary filmmaker...
- then an update from Barnes and Noble notifying me of a book 'that I might like"
And you ask (out of politeness) which book is that?
Well, I'll tell you.
Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling
and the publisher's blurb:
Dr. Wayne Dyer wants us to listen up. He insists that there's a voice in the universe calling each of us to remember and live our purpose. In Inspiration, he explains how we can achieve our ultimate purpose by moving through the world of spirit to inspiration. Groundbreaking affirmations.
There's a voice in the universe calling each of us to remember our purpose, our reason for being here now, in this world of impermanence. The voice whispers, shouts, and sings to us that this experience of being in form, in space and time, knowing life and death, has meaning. The voice is that of inspiration, which is within each and every one of us. In this groundbreaking book, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer explains how we've chosen to enter this world of particles and form. From our place of origin, in ways that we don't readily comprehend now, we knew what we were coming here to accomplish, and we participated in setting this life process in motion. So why not think this same way? Why put the responsibility or blame on any one or any thing that's not a part of us? On Earth we have the capacity of volition we can choose, so let's assume that we had the same capacity when we resided in the spiritual realm. We chose our physical body, and we chose the parents we needed for the tdoesn'tIt doesn't seem too great a stretch to move into the idea that we chose this life in concert with our Source. Each chapter in this book is filled with specifics for living an inspired life. From a very personal viewpoint, Wayne Dyer offers a blueprint through the world of spirit to inspiration, your ultimate calling.
Hmm, sounds like all of these emails and notifications came at the same time, one after another is beyond a strange coincidence. Yea, I can hear all of the determinist out there saying stuff about free will, bla bla bla. Yea. I know, but how many things have to happen that seem like they are related to one another for you to say : yea, this is creepy - a little mjustthan jsut a chance.
But I digress.
I am bursting my own bubble...
So it's just strange - how I connected with that doc who is interested in seeing my film, putting me in touch with some doctors who specialize and research mental illness and creativity, and the fact that he wants me to show my film to a study patients paitents so I can tell them about my journey to hell and back.
hmm.
Well, im off to a vernisage - just because it feels right.
I will let you know how it turned out.
Boy, I can write alot...
I just looked at a snipped of the 674 emails that I have sent out over the past year and 1/2 .
I tried to read one, but it kept on going on and on and on...
And this stuff is not fluff either - pretty interesting and well composed stuff.
I guess when inspiration hits - you gotta roll with the punches!
Did I mention that one of my peices is going to be up for auction at the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival?
Nice yes, but I don't get a cut of the profits - but 60% goes to a charity.
But I don't care - it will be a really swanky event with lots of press. I am hoping that it will open some doors for me.
Fate opened a door for me in NYC - I think it just might be the same for Seattle. It'll be my first time to the west coast. I'll be leaving at the end of the month for about 6 days. I am kinda nervous, but hell. It's all about feeling the fear and doing it anyway!
So here I was thinking I was just gonna write a few words, but no. I go off ranting again.
I am just hoping that one day, all of this drivel will mash into a book that will sell millions!
Well, hundreds if I'm lucky...
lol
"Your visions will become clear only when your can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams, who looks inside - awakes."
Carl Gustav Jung
I just looked at a snipped of the 674 emails that I have sent out over the past year and 1/2 .
I tried to read one, but it kept on going on and on and on...
And this stuff is not fluff either - pretty interesting and well composed stuff.
I guess when inspiration hits - you gotta roll with the punches!
Did I mention that one of my peices is going to be up for auction at the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival?
Nice yes, but I don't get a cut of the profits - but 60% goes to a charity.
But I don't care - it will be a really swanky event with lots of press. I am hoping that it will open some doors for me.
Fate opened a door for me in NYC - I think it just might be the same for Seattle. It'll be my first time to the west coast. I'll be leaving at the end of the month for about 6 days. I am kinda nervous, but hell. It's all about feeling the fear and doing it anyway!
So here I was thinking I was just gonna write a few words, but no. I go off ranting again.
I am just hoping that one day, all of this drivel will mash into a book that will sell millions!
Well, hundreds if I'm lucky...
lol
"Your visions will become clear only when your can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams, who looks inside - awakes."
Carl Gustav Jung
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