As I sit here under my artificial/simulated sun lamp, I wonder if I will ever get the 'real job' I have been waiting for, if I'll ever find the energy to really make a move - get off my ass to do something about it?!
I think I need a life coach - somebody to whip my ass into shape (visions of Burgess Meredith in Rocky) and help me to find the right tactic, game plan to get back on track and win!
When I went to the last school reunion (the follow up from last year's big 25th) last month, I sat with an old friend of mine. I think I mentioned her in previous posts - she adopted me because I was an only child and she had 2 brothers 4 sisters -
but
I digress.
She was my biggest advocate - she really pulled me out of my shell in high school. It's thanks to her that I entered CEGEP with a bold smile and 'ready to conquer the world' spirit.
And as we reminisced about the good old days, she spoke of my recent works - my blogs, my photos, my movies:
HPK - your photos are breathtaking, your writing is amazing - your films are fantastic! What do you want to do? Yes, you can do all of them and love all of them, but I think you need to pick one and focus!
but I love all of them, and want to do them all, and for the first time in my life, I am agreeing with your positive feedback! I am good at all of them!
and I have tried to, I've attempted to sort, pick, work at that , but shit happens -
life throws you a few curve balls (too many in my case) some manic depression thrown in for good measure - just to keep things interesting, and then presto - you find yourself 28 days from your 38th birthday and a big fat tail between your legs and a huge neon sign that says - loser over your head.
I've been doing a lot of cleaning - house/mental/personal stuff. (The physical will come later when I am strong enough for a good colon cleansing and a little fasting) There are some things that are harder to get rid of than others - the main one being the view I hold of myself.
I re-read this blog (thank God I decided to keep it! My memory is so shot lately!) and go over some of the amazing accomplishments I have achieved in the past year - two amazing projects where I did some kick ass cinematography, three amazing trips to NYC (by myself!) and a play.
A fucken play
a play that should out 13 out of 14 shows
a play that was the talk of the town
a play that took the fringe festival by storm
a play that was actually the career launch for many actors
and what am I doing with all of this?
nothing
it's so sad when I think about it, but I can't seem to make it work for me. How do you sell a product when you are not even sure that it works/is up to what you make it to be?
who is this voice of despair and judgment and how do I keep it quiet?!
(I laugh as I have a visual of the play when Samantha tells Charlotte to stick a sock in it - and Peter actually shoving a sock in her mouth. Now that was funny...)
So what to do?
I've had waaay too much strong coffee (can you say industrial cleanser?) and am waiting for some smelly dirty French men to lug a bureau (that is so long, it seems to go on forever) up my 3 flights of Escher-like stairs.
I am antsy and worried.
Some people say that my mom's cancer/tumor was because she had pent up anger towards her sister and ex husband, along with other 'pent ' up angers. That sounds legit. The anger and bad energy in the body has to go somewhere; but I wonder where my anxiety and worry will go to? I think that I might have some sort of brain malfunction one day - too much going on in there at one time - too much noise
can somebody please turn the sound down or change the channel?
but please - no elevator music or soft rock
I'd rather scrape my eyes out
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