Lactulose intolerant

Well, well well.
Just when I thought things could not get any more interesting in my life, or ironic, I find myself in the hospital the other day - the emergency ward hooked up to all kinds of lines and wires while a doctor peers down at me and says: you know, this is very rare for people to react to this kind of medication the way you did, very rare indeed.

I was having a severe and almost life threatening reaction to a medication that is so widely used, even my 85 year old grandmother has used it.

Leave it to me and my Sienfeld-esque life - events like this just seem to fall into my lap. And now, a few days later, I laugh at the irony - I am so special, I am one of a miniscule percentage of the population that is allergic to some preservative that is found in a common stool softener/constipation reliever.

I told you my life was weird...

Nothing dramatic as a bee sting, peanut allergy (not that I am dismissing their severity - those are potentially life threating) - an allergic reaction to something that makes you shit.

shit!

As I lie in the resuscitation room, and was about 20 minutes out of danger, the nurse looked at the intern who was supervising my blips and heart beats and said: Lactulose? That's just water + sugar = candy!

So apparently a medication that was supposed to be as harmless as a chocolate bar triggered a reaction in my body so severe, my blood pressure dropped to a dangerous low, developed a rash that covered most of my face, arms and chest and began to close my throat to such a degree that I was unable to swallow and had begun to gasp for breath as my throat began to close.

how fucked up is that!?

I was feeling kinda woozy after the first tablespoon, and knew that this was not normal. I hopped on the internet and went to all my medical sites, but could not find anything more than if you experience cramping, vomiting or sharp pains in the abdomen, seek medical attention. At this point, I was feeling faint, was spacing out way too much, and began to lose control of my hand and leg muscles.

High Alert. This is not NORMAL!

I began to panic a little, but figured that it was something similar to the Benylin high I experienced as a kid - took a little too much of the stuff to calm a bad cough, and not being able to find a tablespoon in the middle of the night, and way to sick to go on a cutlery expedition, I just too a swig and fell back into bed.

a swig as in a swig from a mickey of Gin...
The next thing I know, I am awake and floating around the room in a stoned stupor that would rival Cheech Marin's best trip.

At first, I panicked (I was only 11 - had not yet tried cannabis) and was thinking of waking my mom to rush me to the hospital, but as I began to relax, I realized that I was high as a kite and began to enjoy my free ride. I spent the rest of the night doing somersaults on my bed, surprised that my thuds of my feet hitting the wall didn't wake anybody up.

But this was different...

Over the years and after numerous hospital calls and bouts of all that can ail someone, I have come to know my body well - like a well oiled machine, the slightest tick or rumble will alert me to take stock, slow down and examine the inner workings as best as I can.

It was only after the 4th site did I see a list of my symptoms - and in bold - if experiencing these symptoms, seek medical attention immediately - this may be the beginning of a serious allergic reaction.

Yummy.

By this time, I was beginning to worry about my inability to swallow and the accelerating speed of which the room was spinning. I turned off my computer, trying hard to keep my composure while feeling my way along the walls into my bedroom.

One thing I have learned after all my emergency room calls is - always bring a clean pair of underwear and a toothbrush. I have spent countless first nights in the hospital, cursing myself because I felt like I had lived in my panties for a week, and had a tongue that felt like an unpaved road. So despite my stumbling, and shallow breathing, I made sure to prepare myself.

The breathing became more labored as the seconds went by. I tried to ask E to call 911, but found that I was losing my voice, and that experiencing air through a shrinking airway was not a wise thing to do. He insisted on driving me, despite my pleas for an alternative solution. I realize that he was trying to help, and I thank him for that. It worried me because a) had I gone into shock, and was not able to breathe at all, the paramedics would have had an epi-pen to calm the initial stages of the reaction, and had some O2 for me to suck on, but their reaction time in the past (like when I began to hemorrhage internally after having some surgery to remove some gunk in my gallbaldder region) has been slow at best. He made a judgment call and it was the right one - but he could have burned through more red lights - especially at a crosswalk where there is absolutely nobody in sight for miles. It looked like a scene from a movie. He is waiting for the light to change, (it had just turned red) and I sat in the seat next to him, groping at my throat with my other hand on the front of his jacket pulling him towards me, whispering angrily - BURN THE LIGHT! BURN THE FUCKEN LIGHT!

Yea, movie material...
Woody Allen and Bette Midler

So to make a long story short, I flopped on the nearest bed on wheels and began to fade in and out of consciousness. I was wheeled in right away - take her to recess 1 . Resuscitation room. I know the jargon already.

And as I lie there, my body going numb, face tingling, lips puckering on their own (that was so weird!! ) struggling for my next breath, one of the ER docs grabs my arm and plunges a needle into my vein and begins to pump in some Benadryl. I didn't know which was worse - the feeling that my arm was about to be ripped open or the fact that I could not breathe! I still have a nasty bruise on my forearm to prove it!

So after being asked 100 questions (I have the routine down pat - I actually cut down question time by having all my meds and medical history typed out on a little card stuck in my wallet. It's a real hit with the attending staff wow! You're so organized! is what I'm often told), I began to sleep and drift in and out of dreamland while the medication began to kick in.

I spent a good 5 hours in the emerg - being downgraded from the recess room to hallway, which was a good thing. It was 4:30am by the time E drove us home. We were both glad to be back - a hallway is not the Holiday Inn. The next morning, I felt as if I had been twice overed by a steam roller. It was not until yesterday that I began to feel like I was a 3 dimensional human being again.

And today - more medical appointments. I have something funky going on in the upper right side of my stomach. I had my gallbaldder removed, so unless I have a phantom gallbladder making imaginary stones, I don't know what this is. I thought it was menstrual cramps (because the pain goes down pretty low) but the doctors are stumped. I was rushed into an abdominal ultrasound this morning, watched as the technician hummed and hawed while scanning my belly and ovaries. There were to pauses and clicks to be 'normal'. They found something but they didn't really tell me much - it's just a preliminary report they said. It didn't make me feel any better.

So next week, I am off to see an allergist, then to my GP for my ultrasound and results of my blood workup. And all of this a week before I go to Seattle. Not to mention 3 weeks before my 38th birthday.

Did I say 38th? I meant 33rd...

And I have a brand new Epi-pen to take with me wherever I go.

I misplace my keys al the time - and they are on a huge round keychain - superintendent huge. Perhaps I will have to attach the Epi-pen around my neck.
Ralph Lauren - look out! Hpk has just made a new fashion statement!