Hmm.
Oscars tonight - I wonder who will win what?
I am usually pumped about the Oscars, but today and for the past day I have been feeling kind of defeated, lost out to some other half-assed rogue chemical who is reeking havoc on my body.
Why do I feel so crappy?
When will this rollercoaster ride slow down?
When will I get a hold of myself and get down to business?
I am just feeling shitty -
- despite the fact that it's beautiful outside,
- despite the fact that I got a whole new wardrobe (including two kick ass coats and a beautiful pair of Hush Puppies Boots for only 5$) at a second hand store last night- tax in for $50!
- despite the fact that I have it better than most people (but then again, in some things I don't, but I won't go there...)
why?
I was doing some introspection last night - asking some hard hitting questions that I have been avoiding since the beginning of winter. Questions like:
where do I get all this negative energy from?
where is the root of all of this, and when I find it, can I remove it for good?
will I always be fighting these demons?
can I pinpoint exactly where these 'negative' filters have come from?
I did some digging - and it was interesting the correlations I managed to see between a and b:
my need for approval stems from the fact that I was always expected to fail when I was a kid
Although my parents wanted the best for me, and had hope that I would turn out to be an upstanding citizen, I was always considered to be the worst case scenario. An accident waiting to happen. so what did you break now? What have you done now? You know, you are not going to be able to finish what you started - like you always do...
I think the world always' can be such a toxic word. It holds so much potential - for promise and failure. It builds up such expectations, so many absolutes that can be hard to escape.
You will always be the same - you'll never change
aha, the word never. Another toxic soup of nouns and concensus.
You'll never change
you'll never get your shit together
you'll never go anywhere
you'll never graduate
you'll never get your life in order
you'll never succeed
you'll never finish what you've started
I have mapped it out to the following -
I was a dreamer - full of visions and outlandish ideas -
I was always thining of was to bring these things to life -
I was only a kid so therefore I had no real concept of impossibilities -
I spoke to people about my ideas and was distraught when I was told it's impossible, it will never happen, you won't be able to do that... -
I became devastated when I was shown the impossibilities and the outrageousness of my ideas -
I felt stupid because how could I expect to do /think/want something so ssilly/outrageous/impossible ?
so therefore - my 'dreams' were nipped in the bud before any steps to a solution/alternative were even presented/explored.
wow.
heavy shit
I wanted some input, encouragement to follow my dreams, but all I got was negative input, and discouragement because I could never pull it off (because of my track record for failure) so I was not encouraged to even explore the possibilities!
track record of failure
What kid does not have a track record of failure?
isn't' that what being a kid is all about?!
so now what?
So now what...
I've read a lot about healing the inner child and for the longest time thought that was such bullshit, but now am wondering if there is some validity in it. Would telling my inner child that you had the right to try things and fail - that was all part of growing up, and nobody should have faulted you for exploring! You are free of what your parents think, what anybody else thinks - you are your own person now. You have come a long way. You have been hurt and blamed for many things, but now, I'm here to tell you that I love you and you are just perfect and I love you for who you are.
On the surface, it sounds like a bunch of new age shlock. What does my inner child care - I mean, do I actually have one?! I'm going to be fucken 38 years old!! How can part of me still be a child when my face is starting to wrinkle, my body is gearing up for perio-menopausal stage and I have enough memories and experiences to write two series of encyclopedias of life experiences!
Have I silenced my own inner child?
Am I ashamed of my own inner child?
shit
Lots of heavy stuff to sort out.
After years of therapy and introspection, I have figured out why I have done, lived, reacted, believed the things that I believed were right in the past. I've sorted out why I went after 'all the wrong men", 'why I needed to make my life miserable" because I had this self fulfilling prophecy that I was doomed to fail because I couldn't do was right in the eyes of others - but there is still a child that hurts. A little voice that just won't go away creeps into my head when confusion and thoughts of panic seep into my consciousness. I know it's silly, and I know that it's not reasonable, and my analytical mind tries to sort it out and put it away, but she keeps coming back.
How do you begin to heal a child who has been damaged beyond repair?
Can she ever heal?
Will she ever be able to understand?
I guess this is the next step of my journey.
Turning inward to fins my spiritual center has put me in touch with this innocent child.
Is that what our spiritual centers are? A child who is perfect, in awe the world around it, fearless and open to life as only a child can be?
wonder wonder
Can I re-birth this thing? This child?
And if so, how painful/pleasurable will it be?
Oscars tonight - I wonder who will win what?
I am usually pumped about the Oscars, but today and for the past day I have been feeling kind of defeated, lost out to some other half-assed rogue chemical who is reeking havoc on my body.
Why do I feel so crappy?
When will this rollercoaster ride slow down?
When will I get a hold of myself and get down to business?
I am just feeling shitty -
- despite the fact that it's beautiful outside,
- despite the fact that I got a whole new wardrobe (including two kick ass coats and a beautiful pair of Hush Puppies Boots for only 5$) at a second hand store last night- tax in for $50!
- despite the fact that I have it better than most people (but then again, in some things I don't, but I won't go there...)
why?
I was doing some introspection last night - asking some hard hitting questions that I have been avoiding since the beginning of winter. Questions like:
where do I get all this negative energy from?
where is the root of all of this, and when I find it, can I remove it for good?
will I always be fighting these demons?
can I pinpoint exactly where these 'negative' filters have come from?
I did some digging - and it was interesting the correlations I managed to see between a and b:
my need for approval stems from the fact that I was always expected to fail when I was a kid
Although my parents wanted the best for me, and had hope that I would turn out to be an upstanding citizen, I was always considered to be the worst case scenario. An accident waiting to happen. so what did you break now? What have you done now? You know, you are not going to be able to finish what you started - like you always do...
I think the world always' can be such a toxic word. It holds so much potential - for promise and failure. It builds up such expectations, so many absolutes that can be hard to escape.
You will always be the same - you'll never change
aha, the word never. Another toxic soup of nouns and concensus.
You'll never change
you'll never get your shit together
you'll never go anywhere
you'll never graduate
you'll never get your life in order
you'll never succeed
you'll never finish what you've started
I have mapped it out to the following -
I was a dreamer - full of visions and outlandish ideas -
I was always thining of was to bring these things to life -
I was only a kid so therefore I had no real concept of impossibilities -
I spoke to people about my ideas and was distraught when I was told it's impossible, it will never happen, you won't be able to do that... -
I became devastated when I was shown the impossibilities and the outrageousness of my ideas -
I felt stupid because how could I expect to do /think/want something so ssilly/outrageous/impossible ?
so therefore - my 'dreams' were nipped in the bud before any steps to a solution/alternative were even presented/explored.
wow.
heavy shit
I wanted some input, encouragement to follow my dreams, but all I got was negative input, and discouragement because I could never pull it off (because of my track record for failure) so I was not encouraged to even explore the possibilities!
track record of failure
What kid does not have a track record of failure?
isn't' that what being a kid is all about?!
so now what?
So now what...
I've read a lot about healing the inner child and for the longest time thought that was such bullshit, but now am wondering if there is some validity in it. Would telling my inner child that you had the right to try things and fail - that was all part of growing up, and nobody should have faulted you for exploring! You are free of what your parents think, what anybody else thinks - you are your own person now. You have come a long way. You have been hurt and blamed for many things, but now, I'm here to tell you that I love you and you are just perfect and I love you for who you are.
On the surface, it sounds like a bunch of new age shlock. What does my inner child care - I mean, do I actually have one?! I'm going to be fucken 38 years old!! How can part of me still be a child when my face is starting to wrinkle, my body is gearing up for perio-menopausal stage and I have enough memories and experiences to write two series of encyclopedias of life experiences!
Have I silenced my own inner child?
Am I ashamed of my own inner child?
shit
Lots of heavy stuff to sort out.
After years of therapy and introspection, I have figured out why I have done, lived, reacted, believed the things that I believed were right in the past. I've sorted out why I went after 'all the wrong men", 'why I needed to make my life miserable" because I had this self fulfilling prophecy that I was doomed to fail because I couldn't do was right in the eyes of others - but there is still a child that hurts. A little voice that just won't go away creeps into my head when confusion and thoughts of panic seep into my consciousness. I know it's silly, and I know that it's not reasonable, and my analytical mind tries to sort it out and put it away, but she keeps coming back.
How do you begin to heal a child who has been damaged beyond repair?
Can she ever heal?
Will she ever be able to understand?
I guess this is the next step of my journey.
Turning inward to fins my spiritual center has put me in touch with this innocent child.
Is that what our spiritual centers are? A child who is perfect, in awe the world around it, fearless and open to life as only a child can be?
wonder wonder
Can I re-birth this thing? This child?
And if so, how painful/pleasurable will it be?
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