Meat Loaf

Leaving for Seattle in a few days and I am excited as all hell.

Nervous as all hell, but let's try not to think about that right now (she says while looking over the mass of stray post-it notes hanging on for dear life from various edges of her computer screen, filing cabinet, edges of framed prints...).

I feel scattered right now, but it's a good creative scattered. The kind of energy that makes things happen, the kind of energy that artists thrive on.

Speaking of artists, I had a wonderful weekend watching films - art film fest here, and what I saw inspired me beyond words and film stock. I saw one tonight about Ingmar Bergman. My idol.

When I first saw Persona back in 1984 in my first college film class, I was blown away. I had been fed a regular diet of all American 'slap on the fat' boring and staid plotlines and high gloss appearance, but when I saw Bergman's stark, profound and disturbing portrait of two women, in black and white, I was smitten. He quite literally changed the way I looked at cinema forever, and inspired me to use the medium the way he did - with passion, curiosity and reverence.
That is the first time I realized that I wanted to be a filmmaker. I had known for some time that I wanted to be in showbiusess, but it always seemed to be a toss up between acting, dancing and music. Film seemed strangely off limits, until I saw his films.

After Bergman was Fellini, Renais, Truffaut, Ozu, Antonioni, Wenders and the list goes on and on. After seeing these films - especially one of my top 5 films - 32 Short Films About Glen Gould, again at this festival on Friday night, there were those stirring feelings inside of my belly - the rustlings and cracklings of a fire starting.

the kind of feeling I had when I was on the road to make my films.
That creative rush that I have longed for.

I decided that this is where I have to focus my energies right now. I was telling my best buddy the other day - I have all these sparks, shards and slivers of things that have been happening to me (strange coincidences, people I have been meeting, the things I have been seeing) are stirring up this energy, and I need to channel it into a positive source. Like a meat grinder or wood chipper - in the begining, it's all the same material added in but in different forms and sizes, but in the end, they all come out neatly packed together - beef only becomes ground beef - it doesn't change it's inherent properties.

So that is what I am planning to do - put all of this crazy energy, excitement about my trip, the growing pains I am having about finding my new purpose and direction in life, (and my birthday coming up) - and throw it in the meat grinder.

And when I come back from my trip, I intend to make some kick ass meatloaf!