Life without camera...

This sucks big time.

My mind is translating everything I see into 'what would this be like if I could take a picture of it? I wonder what it would look like if I had my camera now?"


I hate this.

And the canadian dollar is looking quite nice against the american too.

I want to go buy a camera - soon.

I wil try to see who I can drag with me to NYC to camera heaven (B&H) so I can get my photographic fix....

For someone who processes everything primarily with her eyes, this is a really trying time for me....

damm newfangled electronic cameras!!

Modern Medicine

Modern Medicine
Originally uploaded by BlackWing.

I am helping my mom as much as I can while she goes through her chemo. And if she needed a kidney, I would have given her that too.

This photo and it's starkness, serenity and hope touched me so much, I had to post it.

It makes me happy to know that there are people out there who really do care, and would sacrifice part of themselves for the people they love.

Beautiful story and image Blackwing.

R.I.P

I am overcome with sadness.
My camera, my backup (which was once my primary camera for more than 10 years) has died.

I am offically without a camera.
And I feel as if my eyes have been torn out.

It's as if I had lost a good friend.

It was thanks to that camera that my journey into self-portraiture began.

Perhaps you think it's silly for a grown woman to mourn the breakdown of a block of plastic, metal and computer chips, but to the photographer, a camera is an extension of the body.

My body.
And now it's gone.

And it's hard to guage, with everything going on in my life right now, when I will be able to get another one - digital or 35mm.



It's a sad day - hellophotokitty might just be a sadkitty for a while...

Happy Easter

Greek Orthodox Easter // 4 of 6
Originally uploaded by Lady Vervaine.

Happy Greek Orthodox Easter to all my friends.

This photo touched me in so many ways, especially after reading what Lady Vervaine said about it...

"I've had all kinds of ups and downs with religion. A long time ago, I thought it made sense of the world; made sense of who I was; even made sense of death. But these days, it makes no sense to me at all.

So I feel a little strange, taking pictures of these people, with their glow of faith. I wish I shared it, and yet I'm glad I don't – both feelings at the same time. Confused? Yes, I am. About so many things, and this one more than most."

A feeling of inertia in a world of solids and forms.

Duck and cover your mouth when you cough.

Paranoia.

Update your Will. Hopefully this won't be necessary but not all of us are going to survive


I have become an information junkie and it's scaring the shit out of me.

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst...

CNN, MSNBC are the ones I frequent the most. And the Weather Channel. Can't forget that one.

I hate programs like Dateline. Why?
Too much information.
It's the overload of doom and gloom - worst possible case scenarios that make me even more paranoid than normal.

(paranoia level: Yellow - Elevated)

Find a Place in the Country. If you live in the city, you will be surrounded by anarchy. Catastrophes such as this always lead to civil disorder. If you can escape the city you will be much safer. If you don't have one, consider purchasing a trailer. If you can't afford it, consider a tent.


Tonight's episode of wrath was all about a flu pandemic - imminent and about to strike any minute. People in the thousands will be dying. It could be years before a vaccine would be developed to combat the various mutating strains. Keep enough water and perishable food items to last you and your family about two weeks - and oh yea, stock up on your medication (but please don't hoard the Tamiflu) - BUT DON'T PANIC!

Since commerce will be severely interrupted during a pandemic, bartering will become the accepted means of exchange. Having a good supply of face masks will give you a commodity that will enable you to trade with others.

Disaster disaster - we're all gonna die some horrible death.
Ring around the posy - scars, Ebola, H5N1 avian influenza,
we all fall down.

" During a pandemic ...we will see a collapse of the global economy as we know it which means that we're going to run out of those things ...things like medical supplies, drugs, masks, whatever." -- Michael T. Osterholm, Director, Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota, speaking on the Oprah Show, January 24/06

When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about a nuclear attack.
The cold war had a wind chill of -20 and terrified me.
How to prepare in case of a nuclear attack - duck and cover.
How naive were we back then.
How real the threat now.

Airborne particles are gonna kill ya!
No place to hide!

I hope I don't have nightmares tonight.

"Up to one billion people could die around the whole world in six months.... We are half a step away from a worldwide pandemic catastrophe." Dmitry K. Lvov, Director, D.I. Ivanovsky Institute of Virology, Russian Academy of Medical Sciences.


That's the problem with being medicated for manic/depression. Sometimes it just takes one thing to start the merry-go-round spin out of control.

Whether or not it will happen this year, and whether or not it will be as catastrophic as many virologists are predicting, one thing is clear: There WILL be a pandemic of unimaginable proportions some time soon

We all fall down

but get back up.

I must get back up.
my mom needs me, as I too
need myself.

And God bless Canada - and the CBC

I've got the flu! What do I do?
Rent some movies and prepare to spend seven to 10 days at home, resting.

Good advice eh?

A letter to a friend...

A letter to a friend...

This was a letter to a friend I wrote two nights ago.

I was feeling so down, lost and alone.

Sometimes venting is a good thing.

(and Zara ;-) Thanks for commenting here :-) We'll talk and I'll address those 'things' in-depth very soon on this blog...

Hey girl.

How are you doing?

Sorry I have been silent lately - so much to fucken crap to chew on...

Got word that the treatment will make mom progressively sicker as each week passes. That is not too good of a thing. As the 3rd and 4th week come closer, my worries about how much I can take care of her begin to mount. Apparently, it might take her 4 to 6 months to recover.

Ouf.

That's the shit.

I have not even thought of the idea that the cancer might come back, or that she might have to have chemo for a year. I really have too much on my plate. I am trying to stay afloat.

Everything just seems so overwhelming at times.

I read a book that said the majority of cancer patients have had many stressors in their life - a serious shock at an early age. I worry that I am the poster child for something to be inside of me - a time bomb. Heard today that my great grandfather and grandfather (on mom's side) both had cancer (liver and bladder), no to mention my dad who had bladder cancer as well. Now my mom.

Yea, stamp a fucken giant C on my forehead?!

I am just scared and rambling.

I am begining to know how you feel when you talk about your breast cancer concerns.

It's in my family, it's in yours. Its everyfuckenwhere.

I know you know that it's hard keeping optimistic here in her casa.

She watches CNN -ALL THE TIME! Quite the information junkie.

All doom and gloom 24 hours a day. Ticker tape along the bottom spelling out the inevitable extinction of the human race, the planet. Now the san Francisco thing. I try to stay away, up in my own little hideaway where old "Canadian Home Living" magazines tempt and comfort me with picture perfect home cooked pot roasts and white bread words of wisdom from housewives in Nova Scotia.

It's hard staying here.

I thought it wouldn't be as bad, but some days it is.

It's not gonna get any better either - cumulative side effects of the medication as it floats through her system.

So I just wanted to say hello before I go to bed and that you are always on my mind. You, your man, your baby, your two doggies and your house - all back home again. A lease on a whole new life.

Oh girl, how I envy you. There is finally some peace and happiness in your world, and you bella, of all people I know, deserve it so very much.

End of week 1

I am so exhausted right now.
We just got through week one - and when I say 'we', it means the whole truckload of us.
Mom, E, Bettee and myself.

waiting and doctors
white hallways and stale sandwitches
hand disenfictant and doctors, nurses, volunteers
and sick people
so many sick people with cancer.

It was really hard to wrap my head around how many people were having various kinds of treatment for cancer - new ones every day - never the same one twice.

She's feeling flu-ish as to be expected.
Yesterday was such a good day, she wanted to go shopping with me.
And today we walked 8 long blocks just because she felt like walking.

The side effects are cumulative so she is expecting the heavy stuff to rear it's ugly sickly head in the next two weeks.
- don't be a fortune teller! You don't know that for sure, and the doctor said that Alpha Interferon has different side effects for everybody.
- have you had your 3 liters of water today?
- are you doing your 'positive imaging" ? Zapping those cancer cells in your body with Lady Pac Man sized interferon interceptors?

now I feel like the mother.

Weary and worn, but hanging in.

Got two cinematography jobs lined up for me late May into June. Short stints - but the # 2 one has a HUGE French Canadian singer/actor attached to it. I think this is gonna be the director's big break.
finally

Hell, he met me for the first time, I agreed to be the Director of Photography for a 48 hour short film festival marathon and won 2nd prize for best technical achievement.

This could be the start of something big...

Hybernate

Hybernate
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I guess I'll be hiding for a while...
...

Naaah.
I won't be gone for too long. My writing is my therapy, it keeps me sane and connected to the real world.

I mean, with my camera broken and all, writing is all I really have to stay sane, and God knows I will need to stay sane for the next 4 weeks...

I'll be back.
A few more stories.

I have discovered Beckett.
This guy kicks serious theater ass

Today's astro info - full moon rising

Bloody fucken migraine.
I've had it for the past 3 days and I suspect tension.
The upcoming stress of mom's chemo, my stress about not having a solid job and still having to get my shit in order (ya, that comes with the stress and headache of finding the best price for a camera...) the stress over the past few days to meet deadlines for art festivals. It's all piling up, and it's all in my head.

Literally.


Just just got an email from my Swedish babe chicklet - she is due in September!!
I really hope she comes to full term. She has been so unlucky in the past few years. It would be so amazing - and I would be an auntie.

Speaking of aunties - I am one as of last Sunday. My little cousin had a baby. This is my little cousin with whom I used to sing Karaoke (and back in the early 70's it had not even been discovered yet) to old Rolling Stones and Tom Jones Lp's, my little cousin with whom I used to ride elevator in my grandmother's closet with, my little cousin with whom we devised magic potion to keep flies away from dog shit (it was made with an old solution of Lilt Home Perm, 30 year old bath salt blocks, French Formula hairspray, and whatever we could find in my grandmother's bathroom basement (which would have been an anthropologist's delight!). My little cousin - little L. The girl who was my most convenient younger sister - because as soon as I went home, she became my cousin again.

What kind of a great deal was that?

So back to the migraine...

Pills pills pills and icepacks for the neck.
caffeine in pills, caffeine in cups.
ice ice ice

It's not helping much, but I'm lucid enough to type this
barely.


So here we go again - looking to the stars for guidance.

Sounds like a promising weekend.

not!


Friday, 14th April 2006

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
So, you think you know where the limits lie, do you? You are sure about what is or isn't possible, are you? You've looked at your current situation from every angle and you've appraised it accurately, have you? Sorry to take a slightly confrontational tone. It's just that events, this weekend, intend to be similarly challenging in the way that they require you to rethink the boundaries and barriers in your world. Something surprisingly exciting is attainable. Despite recent misgivings, you'll soon have reason to feel very enthusiastic.

Ignition

Ignition engaged

Take off successful...


sometimes when I'm mildly manic (but is this really manic? I can remember a time when my meds were workimg and I was feeling great - not because I was manic, not because the meds were swishing around in my brain, but because things seemed genuinely hopeful. Things felt right. There was an opening in the cloudy skies, solutions were becoming clear, and there was a slight glimmer of hope for the future.

Quarter to Two and I am feeling this right now.

I have spent the past 3 hours looking up calls for entries for photography shows. The web is great for that - a link to a link to a link...

Found so many great places to enter - some which were pricy, but others which were actually free (the best kind). I had a look at my pix again - the blue series, and realized just how powerful they really are. Somebody on flickr was so moved by them, he started his own group called -vulnerability (at least I think, it's too late to check now, will do that later). He wrote me this beautiful message that almost brought tears to my eyes.

It just blows me away each time somebody says that my photos (my little photos) inspire, frighten, excite or educate them.
a) I never thought that something I used to do just because it was fun would amount to anything that would be of any use to anybody
and
b) that my work would touch somebody so much that they would feel so compelled to tell me and thank me for doing so.

hmm

that's so fucken cool...

So I am on my way to bed, exhausted and run down, getting ready for the Easter weekend (just means more things will be closed for longer) and then pack on Sunday night and get ready to spend time while mom starts her chemo (interferon) on Monday.

Worry worry worry.

I am trying not to do too much of that cause I feel the ground beneath beginning to shift. Things are happening, the sleeping buds on trees are beginning to stir.

I hope it's a new beginning.

Let's make it a new beginning...

In baiting a mousetrap

with cheese, always

leave room for the

mouse

SAKI

challenge your beliefs

challenge your beliefs
Originally uploaded by jecate.

I met Jen while I was in Seattle a few weeks ago. She is such a beautiful person and a great source of inspiration for me, and I am sure, for many other people as well...

I had read a book based on the writings of st.john of the cross entitled "Dark night of the soul". The term and metaphysicality of the phrase "dark night of the soul" are taken from the writings of the Spanish poet and Roman Catholic mystic Saint John of the Cross, a Carmelite priest in the 16th century. Dark Night of the Soul is the name of both a poem, and a commentary on that poem, and are among the Carmelite priest's most famous writings. They tell of his mystic development and the stages he went through on his quest for holiness.

a further definition is taken from Wikepedia:

"Dark Night of the Soul" is a term used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life. It is used as a metaphor to describe the experience of loneliness and desolation that can occur during psychic or spiritual growth.

The "dark night" could generally be described as a letting go of our ego's hold on the psyche, making room for change that can bring about a complete transformation of a person's way of defining his/her self and their relationship to God. The interim period can be frightening, hence the perceived "darkness". In the Christian tradition, during the "dark night" one who has developed a strong prayer life and consistent devotion to God suddenly finds traditional prayer extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time. The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them, or that their prayer life has collapsed.

Rather than being a negative event, the dark night is believed by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise where the individual is trained to grow from vocal and mental prayer, to a deeper contemplative prayer of the soul. Particularly in Christianity, it is seen as a severe test of one's faith. The Dark Night comes in two phases: a first "Night of the Senses," and a second "Night of the Spirit."

Depression is another form of 'a dark night of the soul", and it need not necessairly be a bad thing. At times, overwhelming, but if one is strong enough, it can be a space where self-discovery grows from emptyness.


"Dark Night of the Soul" is a term used to describe a specific phase in a person's spiritual life. It is used as a metaphor to describe the experience of loneliness and desolation that can occur during psychic or spiritual growth.

In this mystic's writing, his approach ideology of suffering seems more akin to early Islamic or Judaic works in its more direct route to communication to God, teaching us to look at the horrors and joys of the world, the cycles of birth and death, the wars and destructions as a natural process of life and something to embrace rather than fear.

Hostess cakes - nexus of the universe

Hostess cakes - nexus of the universe
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

On a lighter note...

Seattle is the home of Hostess Cakes.
Who knew?

Every time I'd make my way down to the art festival gallery, I'd smell the vanilla breeze from up the block.

I made my way around the plant several times, looking for dumpsters, anything. But I guess their waste management is pretty strick.

Not a golden crumb to be found anywhere...

drifting in a sea of corpses

E is listening to his strange "noise" music on his walkman.
I hear the occasional ping and pop followed by a weird shrill.

"noise" it is, and I find it quite distracting.

I am usally alone when I type during one of my typing marathons.
Alone and quiet - only the clack clack of my fingers on the plastic keys -
that is somehow soothing
reminding me that I can find solace and refuge in my words that I convey to you,
my readers -
and to you -
myself - me...

I saw a disturbing movie last night - Shame by Ingmar Bergman.
Bergman is one of my favorite all time filmmakers in the world.
This film was different from the rest of his works.
It was quite disturbing.
Very disturbing in fact.

I woke up this morning with images, sounds - snippets from the black and white subtitled 2 hour visual and auditory session
existential residue on my mind map of consciousness.


Well, what's this movie about?
In short - can I sum it up in 30 words or less?

Gritty, brutal and supple, Ingmar Bergman's Shame (1968) stands as one of the best antiwar films ever made, a fact made more amazing by its relative lack of notoriety, even among Bergman aficionados. With a particular and refreshing abstention from art-house navel-gazing, Shame is an apolitical home-front horror show where life during wartime slowly shifts from existing in a state of petty complacency to, literally, drifting in a sea of corpses. Focusing exclusively on the way war unsettles and corrupts the lives of civilians, Bergman's film scans on a primal level like a "Twilight Zone" episode gone unstoppably, sickeningly real.

And I couldn’t have said it better myself.

I suggest you see it, if only to say you watched a Bergman film.

And yes, you might wake up with the same kind of morning breath dream sludge that is hauntingly difficult to shake off that i am experiencing now.


***

My mom's chemo starts on the 17th.

Life is going to change for us - life as we have known it up till now will shift. A foreign element will shake up and invade our daily routines, routines which we have come to treasure as ritual, normal and constant.

A foreign invader - aggressive and ready for battle.
We must be ready to flight or concede defeat.

I guess that's where the film comes in.

I have woken up with my Scandinavian colored glasses -
(bought at Ikea...lol)
and the world seems a tad bit sharper than usual.


I'll have to stay with her while she adjusts to the chemicals - gauge how ill she'll become, how weak she'll be, how much discomfort it will cause her.
The treatment will last for four weeks - taking us into mid - May.
Summer will be close by.

thank God for that

At least that.

***


I wish I had a guitar.

I used to be quite good at playing guitar - flamenco to be exact.
Good, well I am being modest.
go ahead - you so rarely boast about your abilities.

I was quite talented - at the age of 14, my teacher urged me to take a university exam which would have allowed me to actually teach as a certified instructor.

Did I ever follow through?
Naaah.
I got scared and she got pregnant.

One project ends, another begins.


I played for my own pleasure until a few years later when my father re-claimed my classical guitar. My only guitar. I didn't have enough $ to buy a new one, and by the time I did, the more important things in life such as balloon pants, pointy shoes and mesh tops were at the top of my priority list.

Ahh. Gotta love the 80's.


I came across some old music books the other day, one in particular that she had stolen for me from school. Spiral binding partially untwisted at the ends, worn pages yellowed, reproduced hand written notes alongside Spanish and Italian words woven in between passing tones and a perfect cadence.

Romance De Amor by Vicente Gomez .


I remember the first time I played this piece - in its entirety. Tears streamed down my cheeks as every note reverberated throughout the wooden body held close to my chest ; each note seemed so familiar to me. My fingers swept effortlessly across the warmed wood, the sweet smell of cedar taken in with each strum.


...

Good Lord.
That sounds so wretchedly romantic.
euck

but romantic it was - the mood, the tempo, the harmony.


Vivaldi was my favorite.
Perhaps it was the bittersweet melancholy and simplicity of his Guitar Concerto In D Major that moved me the most; but each time I heard that piece, a profound sense of resignation, akin to what I imagine a peaceful acceptance of death would feel like, consumed me.

Death.
Resignation,
acceptance.

War?

the deterioration of a relationship?
finding out that death is enviable part of life?

realizing that perhaps there is no God?
that there is no such thing as salvation?



I guess this Bergman film is effecting me more that I thought it would.

God?

God?
Originally uploaded by solea.

I think there is a God, or at least someone who is watching over my mom.

We went to see her oncologist today. He is wonderful, sweet and funny. Caring and smart as hell. He told her that she has options - chemo for one month industrial strength, or chemo for one month and booster shots 3 times a week for a year. There is no guarantee that it will work, but at this point, it's better to try than not to try.

It was also my birthday.
A day that I was dreading in so many ways. But as luck would have it, my mom, her best friend and I spent most of the afternoon giggling like school girls, had an amazing pasta lunch and I got so many kick ass gifts from everybody who loves me, that going to seal my mom's eventual fate and faith in medicine made it that much smoother.

38.

Where do I go from here?
How do I get there?
Is there a God, and if so, will he stop to help someone like me?

Down we fall, straight ahead.

Down we fall, straight ahead.
Originally uploaded by cffleischmann.

We find out Tuesday what will happen to my mom as in terms of her chemo. One year? One month intensive? We don't know.

Just when I thought it was safe to put my feet down again, we are on the move - "down we fall, straight ahead" - that is how I feel right now.

Tuesday will be my birthday.
I am going with my mom to the doctor. It might be one of the most difficult birthdays in my life.

I am not looking forward to this year.

One step forward, 10 steps back.

Tied to the railway tracks, my skin can feel the vibrations of the train miles and miles away...