I had a full blown - albeit short and swift meltdown last night - and it brought back too many memories of when my core reactor would slowly heat up, alarms sound, people around would panic, terrified and then, once past the point of no-recovery cooling, I'd morph into raidoactive toxic rage.
Imagine taking a spoonfull of scalding hot soup.
Close your mouth around the spoon and wait.
Wait until the pain begins to travel through the first layer of skin.
Wait for the electric shock of copper wire to scrape the roof of your mouth -
but don't open your mouth...
now, open your mouth.
Everything that you've kept in, plus the extra saliva that was created by desperate glands to quell the flames, peices of vegatables, noodles - all come rushing out - projectile style.
that was me last night.
too much in my little old lady change purse - the geanology of paranoia expanded too fast for me, and was not able to accuratley map it through logic or reason.
All of it - my mom's fever (chemo+fever < healthy immune system + c-dificile = dire complications)
My play and the little bit of glory I had being credited as "the writer" before that &%*# stole it, blindsided by rage arid and icy desperation seeping up through my toes to my spine -
it all hit the sparkplug waiting to be charged
and it did.
I felt the energy come - the superhuman strength, vibratations crawling from underneath my eyelids. Without any awareness other than my ability to just watch and fear, the house became spiderwebs through which I had to claw at to exit.
thank god I was too tired and in too much pain to even try...
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