Morning

Morning
Originally uploaded by The Conspirators.

Yes, many of my mornings should look like this, but my distaste for 90 proof before noon keeps me from falling into this kind of despair...

Still struggling but not sinking.

Still struggling, but not sinking too much...

found out more information about bankruptcy - so many things to think about. I don't have the energy or time to soak my brain in that administrative deluge of numbers and subsections of laws.

I just try to wake up tomorrow and tomorrow.

I saw this in my email box.
It occasionally rings a bell, touches a nerve and brings home some very important truths.

After hearing my grandmother (bless her soul - she's 85 and is losing her memory) tell me that a career in administrative office work was an intelligent choice over pursuing my dream of photography and film, I am having second thoughts about having second thoughts about giving up.

(wim - this is for you too. I send you intercontinental love and support :-))))

desperate letter to a friend

I am in so much trouble.
I got the update for my student loan.
$30 000

not including my other cards - $10 000

I can't get rid of my student loan because I have to wait 10 years after being a full time or part time student 2001 - that means I would have to wait another 4 years - 2011.

I will be 43

and even at that, I am not guaranteed that they will say okay.
I just met with Legal Aid here at my new place of employment.

They told me that they will liquidate my assets.
And if I don't have anything, the will be able to seize my furniture,and clothes.

I am so sick and upset, I am about to throw up.
I have to do a fucken shoot tonight for a friend. I'm not getting paid, but at this point, I need to do it to keep me from slipping deep.

I'm halfway there.

I'm considering going back on lithium - big dose. At least I will be numb, and not have the floor of hell scraping doomsday scenarios that I'm having now.

I've been there before - and God, I know it's coming. My body is shutting down and I am expending all my energies and sanity just to wake me up in the morning.

I have no more drive, and at this point, either way, I'm fucked.
I fear being
debt - going to be in my mid 40's without any savings, tax breaks - nothing.
No child. No husband. No collateral, no money.


I think my only thing to do now is pray like a motherfucker, and write to as many venture capitalists and famous movie stars that have had near misses in their careers because of manic depressive illness.

Maybe someone will see their past life in me - and reach out


I can't shake this girl.
This was the straw that broke the camel's back.

i cant even get money for back child support that my father claimed on his income tax years ago. My mom made an approximate calculation. We were looking at something like 25 000$. But according to the law, if 10 years have passed since the last payment, I can't do anything.

He is on his fucken $200 000 boat and laughing. Him and his fucken greedy wife.

they will never change.

I am so tired - in spirit and mind.
I know you know what I mean, but as we get older, the lows get deeper and sometimes, it's just too much essential life blood spilt to get out.

My other option? Marry an American, move to the US and say "fuck you Canada' .

I'm sorry girl. I hate to dump.

And please, please please, no hard hitting Scandinavian boot camp talk.
I know you're itching to - and will use your strengths and success with overcoming adversity to make a point to me, but honey, it would just fall on bruised and bleeding ears, and a soul that shrinks with every breath....

Here I am - one of the walking wounded.

One of the walking wounded
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

Bruised and bloodied - I am unable to stand for long periods of time without falling over.

And so I must rest.
I must rest...

It's not that funny anymore

I am sliding into a deep something - have not figured it out yet, but it ain't a joyous and or rapturous moment. I think I might be hitting a deeper shade of burn-out and despair.

And this one scares the shit out of me.

My mind mobile is hydroplaning on a rainy day - tears from my eyes and the storm in my head are making cognitive navigation very difficult.

My hindsight is myopic and I'm running on fumes but can't refuel cause gas is at a premium these days.

Conservation exasperation
God deliver me from this mess I have created of my life
Give me the strength to go on...

My best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, with her beautiful darling man, and now they are living the beautiful happy family life.

I got a job - full time at least until December - clerical work that numbs the mind - neurons have begun to snap from the extreme cold of boredom

I am exhausted - running, running but never being able to climb up and out of this darkness.
The hill keeps on moving up - the incline increases. Just when I think I have caught my breath, I am forced to move again. My legs are shaking, but the blood is leaking from my toes, and fingertips.

And the latest tally is 30 000$ on my student loan.
I initially owed 17000$ but there was more than 12000$ in interest.
How fucked is that!?

And even if I want to declare bankruptcy, my debt would not be wiped out.

I'm almost 40, have nothing more than 1000$ in a retired savings plan, and a camera.
they can't take blood from a stone?!

They want to, and they will stop at nothing to try.

I am so afraid of what is going to come next.
I'm tired of hearing people tell me well, you know, it's all a lesson learned, and what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger...

Well, it may not kill me now, but it will catch up to me.
It happened to my mom - and now she has cancer.

I dread that I'm next.

I am losing my memory in the lint filled deep pockets of time. I don't even want to eat but the enigma called a stomach keeps growing and growing - a mind/body/stomach of it's own.
it has become my bastard child

and my mind has become the other who never quite made it out of the womb - a mental defect, retarded - slowed down - suspended animation within an instant of fear.

I'm slipping and I really honestly don't know how long I can hang on this time.

this time...

congratulations!

congratulations!
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I keep on forgetting how amazing babies are - so perfect in every way. Skin so soft, eyes so blue, tiny fingers and hands with teeny tiny nails so delicate.

Here, my best friend and her sweetheard hold their newborn baby - only a day old.

How could I NOT post a photo like this?!?!?

Lacrimosa - her tears - Montreal - a city mourns

lacrimosa - her tears - Montreal - a city mourns
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

My dedication to a city in mourning.

A sad day in the city

Yesterday, 20 people were injured after a lone gunman opened fire, killing one person at a college in downtown Montreal. I was about a 10 minute walk away from the scene. I was sitting outside on a university campus, eating my lunch when a girl walked over to her friend and said: did you hear? There's been a shooting at Dawson!
The other replied: What movie was it?
Shocked, the girl paused and then replied: It was shooting shooting - as in bang bang shooting! Apparently, one of my friends who works nearby said he saw a girl running down the street, hysterical screaming "He's got a gun, and there's blood everywhere!"

I sat there, trying to mind my own business, but perhaps the loud thud as my heart sank to my stomach was not as quiet as I thought.

I had been a student at that particular campus for 3 years as a night student in photography. I would often go during the day to print some of my pictures.

I was thinking of going back to the labs during the day to catch up some images I wanted to hand print.

I could have been there when it happened.

That shook me to the core of my very being...

I remember on December 6th, 1989 standing on the street downtown and hearing the sirens wailing - so many. A symphony of screams and explosions of lights.
I felt like something terrible had happened.
I knew it was something to do with death - many many people.
Blood everywhere.

I felt it in my gut.

When I found out that Marc Lepin had shot 13 women at the Ecole Polytechnique, I cried.

how could this happen?

We still don't know the answers.

And can't answer those questions about yesterday either.

My prayers and condolences go out to the families and victims of this terrible tragedy...

it is a sad day in the city...

Inner Vision

Inner Vision
Originally uploaded by Unbridled Expression (tm).

Sometimes turning inside towards yourself is the best way to find answers. I've been trying to waddle through a backload of mental shit and emotional debris latley. I'm on a cleaning binge. Perhaps I'll get some much needed order in my so-called chaos...

I was reading an old journal entry about an evening when I was acting really erratic. How strange it was. All of those emotions came back so quickly and were so very real, but there was also a new feeling - of objectivity. I really went bonkers that day - intense was not the word. I wonder if I were on my mood stabilizersback then, would I have freaked as much? I wonder now, if I go off these things, will I freak out like that again?

I wrote something yesterday when I went on my little walk to the park downtown. It was a strange insight, but as with all my rantings, I had to share it with you and put it down in Times Roman for the record...

I'm slipping between "why me" and "why not me" -
why did my mom get cancer, why are my friends getting the lucky film breaks?

Right now, I'm living dangerously without a strong sunscreen.
(applies sunscreen. SPF 60 - what a wuss.)

So I swing between the why me and why not me - it's pathetic. I'm pathetic, and until I stop beating myself up about this crap, I'll end up black and blue.
Inner bruises are harder to see and heal...

Why can't I shake this dead weight off me? I feel awful about everything, I feel guilty for everything. That's toxic - the guilt, the despair, the regret.

I think that mom's cancer has triggered quite the cascade of emotions, picking up speed and litres of cubic volume along the way.

I miss being happy. I miss having things to do - things that I can really sink my teeth into that give me a sense of purpose and satisfaction. I wish I had a lucky break - a nice big fat one...
I'm not talking about the past, I'm talking about now!

Look at those drunkies/druggies; the woman who looks like Janis Joplin, clapping her hands, smiling and laughing, talking with her other junkie buddies. They don't have a care in the world - in the now world that is...

Ignorance is bliss to a certain extent I guess.

As for me? Well, I think too damm much. Over think and Über-analyze. If I could only put that mechanisim of "over thinking" into good use.
I can hear the:
Kathy, you're blowing things out of proportion again!
Different voices reciting the same sound bite.

God. I hate feeling helpless and confused like this - bound, gagged and blindfolded in the back of a truck heading nowhere - going around in circles, and circles and circles.

The mood stabilizers are really just acting like a lead blanket - when I'm sad - it's a general layer of sadness. Everything and nothing in particular. When I was'nt on them, I was able, at least to truly feel those complex emotionson on a more profound, almost spiritual level; they each had a name: a fixed smell, a vibrant color, a certian part of the body that ached. These moments of sadness were easy to pinpoint:

- I feel rejected
- I feel jealous
- I feel needy
- I feel lonely
- I feel lost

I was able to see exactly where and what the roots were, examine them, dissect and try to understand.

Lonely?
Who is not in your life that is making you lonely?
Depressed?
What is happening in your life that is making you depressed?
Overwhelmed?
Why exactly are you feeling overwhelmed?

But now, I waddle through a perpetual black sludge in my mind where everything is blurry, nothing is distinguishable, all amounting to one big lumpy stinking mess. If only I knew what this toxic soup was comprised of, perhaps I could then be able to systematically remove these corpses and dispose of them.

but for now, this poisonous liquid becoming that much thicker, and therefore it eventually becomes that much more indigestible.

**

From what I rememeber of lithium, I'd say these pills are a milder form. ButI'm still fumbling in that zombie-like state. No gears, no brakes, just wheels and a body being pulled toward and elusive point of "generic wellness".
I can't even tell you what's moving and what's standing still.

Yes, I miss the highs. Those creative high - we all remember them well. Perhaps there is a way to balance on both feet and not fall flat on your face, or break bones, but lay on the side. Or perhaps that's where I am now - laying on the side, and I can't get up.

God.
I sit here thinking about the weeks zooming by. All the money I've spent, the fact that I'm not making any money, how I long to be "part" of something creative and productive so I could share in the genesis of a wonderful project, but I am ever looking for a reason to fail, to doubt myself.

A certain kind of poetic existential suicide.

(looking around, I zone out, and write this)

I saw the face of Jesus in a park bench by the fountain.

What a great title for a song - Tom Waits style.

I really did.
For a moment, when my eyes weren't focused on anything in particular. The pattern was always there. Perhaps I was looking for it, needed to see it. The face of the Jesus in a slice of toast, the virgin Mary in the reflection of an office window; what have we become, where has our faith gone?

(I realize that what I just wrote has some bizarre connections and perhaps answers to the questions I've been asking myself all along...)

Goodbye Santa Fe

Goodbye Santa Fe
Originally uploaded by eqqman.

My friend Eric was in Santa Fe for the summer.
How I envy him.

Santa Fe is a beautiful place on it's own, but E's photos just bring out the magic.

I am hoping that my mom and I will be able to go there sometime in January to see her friend Y. I know we will both need that rest after the year we've had...

Thnx Eric for showing me that the world is still a beautiful place to be in...

It's here again...
That lovely time of the month that makes me feel as if I am falling from a 100 story building with blocks of cement on my legs.

The time of month where everything seems like a lost cause and nothing is worth any effort.

Except, this feeling has been around a lot longer than usual.
I think of this time as the cayane pepper sprinkling of woe and desperation in my already stomach churning/too hot to digest weeks of indigestion.

Today, I feel as if all of what I have done up to now is just for shit - nothing. All of this work, effort, tears, and exhaustion has amounted up to zip. I am telling myself - face it, you're 38, unemployed, too many university degrees and almost 40000$ in debt with no sign of any of this getting better.

And this overwhelms me to the point that I feel as if I am suffocating.
I don't see any way out except - out.

But I am not as desperate as I was in my youth - I now know that there are alternate ways to snake around the rough spots - but are they feasible options? Skipping town, the country, changing my identity and starting from scratch? Is it worth it? Will I spend the rest of my life trying to salvage the shreds of this one, or would it be worth the effort to wipe the slate clean? Fuck that - toss the slate and get a new one?

What are the options?
Are there ever any real options?

up to speed...

Well, in a nutshell:

Mom is going through chemo. I can't calculate the months but she started in May (I think, no April 4. It was my birthday. How could I forget?) She is losing her hair big time. She bought a wig and it looks fantastic. She wants to shave her head - I told her to wait for me cause I want to take pictures of it. It's almost like a ritual - a passage from one identity to another - almost monastic in quality. I hope she waits for me. If she doesn't, she'll be in a lot of trouble...

Found out that the root of most of my problems is my fybromyalgia. The brain fog, the aches and pains (and oh the fucken aches and pains...), the memory loss, the fatigue and depression - all part and parcel of this syndrome. What did he tell me? Exercise and eat well.

thank's a fucken million.
I could have looked at the latest issue of Glamour or Elle to find out that kind of information.

I know it's hard - you feel achy, and depressed, so you don't have the energy to do anything - but that is a vicious cycle - you have to break it, once you do, you'll see things will get easier with time. It's one of the proven solutions for people with your illness.

Then it hit me: As hard as it's going to be (especially now - I'm feeling sooo down and exhausted) I have to help myself.

My best gal pal sent me an email telling me how proud she was that I was going through this so stoically - taking it all in stride, one day at a time.
if I were in your shoes, I would have melted away or gone insane a long time ago...

That's what I fear - that I am slowly melting - peices of me are falling away at such a slow rate, I don't notice now, but in 2 years I will - I will be a mess...

Am I dealing with this properly? Am I using this dark passage in my life to renew myself - grow spiritually, or am I in some sort of hazy denial?

I don't know anymore, and I don't have the energy to ask those questions of myself either...


The photo stuff is good - well, on one side of the coin.
Did I mention that my stuff is now on display in Arizona? For the whole month. I am really happy about that.

then what's wrong?
Money. Isn't it always?
I need money, I need people to pay me money for the work that I do. Things are painfully slow, but I am hoping that now I've turned my front room into what looks more like a studio, I might be able to have people here to take headshots.

Funny, I even doubt my ability to do that well, despite the fact that I've done it before.

Silly silly moi.

Going camping next week with the man to Vermont.
A nice relaxing 3 days in the woods. I think it might be really cold at night, so I will bring long-johns to keep my aching bones warm.

Sitting by the fire with a can of lighter fluid, marshmellows, cheap booze and a portable raido that plays "The house of Hair" - old metal bands from the 80's.

Yea, I can't wait....

crampy fingers are better at typing than writing, but not for very long...

wow.
What a whirlwind of activity.
I have no clue where to begin!!!

I guess I'll start with the best - I am going to have my very first SOLO EXHIBITION in April (I was asked if I wanted to have it sooner) at a place in New York City called Madame X. It's a swanky lounge/gallery in Chelsea and that is just the biggest peacock feather in my cap.
I'm fucken elated.

Got 3 of my photos in a juried exhibition in Arizona. Was supposed to go down but with the Madame X thing calling for money - prints and frames, I figured that Arizona would be too hot now anyway, and I wanted to take the road trip with my mom in October - so we could pass by there then.

Shot some films for my friend Ren - we worked on that 2880 film marathon 3 years ago. He's just the coolest. Monday was the end of his short (which is waiting to be edited) and yesterday was some sort of video clip that will be used in some Heineken promo video for the new James Bond film. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the images worked.

Spent the day with my mom - went to Ikea. We must have walked two miles - round and round. It was so nice to hang with her. She bought me a desk and some bookshelves along with all the other goodies she brought. I feel that the time we spend together is not enough to make up for lost time. I see how she is taking care of her mother, and it moves me so much as to how strong she is. I don't ever think I can rise to the occasion like she can, but then again, she is living proof that chemo nor cancer will keep a good woman down.

We are slated to go wig shopping 2mrw.


It's so hot, and damp, I'm melting away.

but soon to come back and transcribe my written notes before I end up losing those just like I have lost so many things latley.

My mom and I - 'chemo brains"....

And no, I don't know what I'm doing...

Astro advice from the pro:


Saturday, 8th July 2006

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Your week ahead: Do you know what you are doing? Does anyone? We all have hidden agendas. We all kid ourselves about our true motives. We all act unconsciously from time to time. Those who feel sure that they DO know what they are doing are the greatest self-deceivers. Those with enough humility to acknowledge that they don't know, have the best chance of actually finding out. Maybe you don't know what you are doing now - but that's good. Better yet, you know what you are NOT doing. Pluto’s harmonious alignment to Mars is enhancing your discrimination; you are thus very safe and very deserving of success.


Hmm, lets see.
I have 10000+ things on my plate - shooting my friend Ren's film next week (I have not even seen the story board)
- have 300+ photos to pshop for my friend Pete who just got engaged (they want me for the wedding in November)
- I hate my new camera - it's giving me attitude - focus is soft, metering off. I am debating whether the investment was worth it or should I have just suck with repairing my already wonderful little workhorse?
- I have so many deadlines for contests and reviews that they all seem to be slipping away so fast.
- i am overweight, and bloated, have found new deep furrows in my frown lines on my forehead
- have been hiding from everybody - no return phonecalls or emails. Just hiding in my little house, afraid of the damaging rays of the sun, worried that my moles will someday turn into skinflaps of cancer cells
- I feel like i am slowly losing direction in my life, and realize that time is slipping by so quickly.

That's not to mention that mom's hair is falling out and that we have to go wig shopping next week.

Fuck.
She's being so stoic and a true blue trooper.
Here I am, cowering behind my computer, thinking my life is gonna crasha and burn while my mother deals with the side effects of having raidoactive liqud poison pumped into her veins.

I dreamt of my great grandmother the other night. She looked good.

The old country saying - "when you dream of dead people it's because they want your prayers"

I wonder if that is their way of doing "the pop in" just to let you know that they are thinking of you?

Hi Babka, and Bob and Starachek...

black and blue

black and blue
Originally uploaded by Fack to Bront.

I saw this on flickr, and it just moved me so deeply, I had to post it.
It makes me realize how my 'problems' are quite trivial when compared to people out in the real cruel world...



Frack to Bront - bravo on this posting.

Your photo tells a story that is all too common and that very few people want to hear, and so often, turn a blind eye as to the reality of domestic abuse.

and of course - the biggest bravo going to this woman.

Her beauty is strong and radiant, despite the bruises on her face. It is the look of determination, strength, courage. It's in her eyes, and in the subtle curve of her smile.

If I were in her situation, I think the last thing I would be able to is smile.

This photo depicts the kind of humanity that only a sensitive photographer can capture/share.

God bless this poor woman and her child
and God bless you for sharing this with us.

No Entry

No Entry
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.

I have so much catching up to do. I think I will take a weekend and try to transcribe all my notes about the things that went on when I was in NYC.
This was the trip before last - I think that makes this one #4 - when I went to drop off my frames before the show. I went back a week later for the vernisage - that was trip #5...


There will be a trip #6, 7, 8 and maybe 9 before the end of the year

because


I HAVE A CONFIRMATION THAT I WILL BE HAVING MY FIRST SOLO PHOTO EXHIBITION AT MADAME X!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOO HOOOO!!

The date depends on me and how fast I can pump out the prints, but I am hoping for April (what a way to bring in my 39th birthday!!!) so that will give me enough time to slut around my stuff - promo materials, postcards to mail etc. I am going to make this the biggest shin dig in my history! And I want everybody to be there - so I have to start now by apply myself into serious guerilla marketing mode.

And if I wait until April:
a) I will be able to shoot some more stuff (and get in shape, lose 20 pounds to be able to take those self portraits!!)
b) get myself through winter with the looking forward of something spectacular in spring!!

WOOO HOOO!!

nyc - here i come...

:-)

He's a real slug

I was trying to explain to a friend of mine (who is not familliar with american slang) what it means when you call someone a slug.

Well, there is even more reason now for me to refer guys who fall below the lowest common denominator as slug - not only are they disgusting - THEY ARE SADISTIC PERVERTS!!!

Reproduction
Slugs are hermaphroditic: having both female and male reproductive organs. Once a slug has located a mate they encircle each other and sperm is exchanged through their protruding genitalia. A few days later around 30 eggs are laid into a hole in the ground. Although some species hibernate underground during the winter in temperate climates, in other species, the adults die in the autumn.

(now get ready for this - gentlemen - hold onto your packages)

A commonly seen practice among many slugs is apophallation, when one or both of the slugs chew off the other's penis. The penis of these species is curled like a cork-screw and often becomes entangled in their mate's genitalia in the process of exchanging sperm. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves. Once the penis has been removed, the slug remains female for the rest of its life.

Various species of slug can also reproduce via tiny "darts" of sperm which they fling in the direction of their mate's genitalia.

okay - I've heard about kids playing with their food, but this is just OUTRAGEOUS!!!



ehhg.

I'll be back with some more delightful stories in a week or so.

tired

tired
Originally uploaded by jecate.

There are few people (photographers) who can eloquenlty and powerfully express what it is like to be in a state of isolation, sadness. Jennifer is one of the best.

Since I have met her (when I was in Seattle) my life has changed. She has become a source of inspiration to me - both her images and words are powerful, yet delicate. Real and so very much in the present.

Many people shy away from feelings of grief, loneliness but being the brave soul she is - Jen explores them with a bravery that is rare in an age when people medicate or try to run away from anything negative.

You are a brave and beautiful woman Jen - you continue to inspire me to find a creative outlet to my blocked energy.

My biggest gripe as a photographer...

As a photographer, we are being robbed blind.

With the advent of digital photography, and the access to thousands upon thousands of images on the internet (not to mention - everybody who now calls themselves "a photographer" because they now have a digital camera) - individuals who have actually studied or honed their skills at the craft are being swindled blind and kicked while we are down.

This is my biggest gripe as a photographer and I have to share my story and other stories from photographers around the globe who are in the same leaky boat...


A blogrant from this site:

You want to know what a picture is worth? Ask Time, Inc. (People), Hello, and the other international publications who have now paid millions of pounds, dollars, euros, and who knows what else for the exclusive first publication rights to the Brangelina baby pics.

Now, I have absolutely no interest in the images from the celebrity standpoint--I’ve never cared for either parent as actors and really don’t care if they have one or a dozen babies. I will look at the images like I do most images, with a critical eye, and I won’t go out of my way to get my hands on the pubs with them, but that’s just me and I’m weird in that.

What does interest me about the pics is that incredibly high price. Some photographers are bitching and complaining about it--railing about the unfairness of Time, Inc. paying such sums when they make “regular” photographers take low fees. But here’s the thing--numbers like that mean that they do understand the value of images and they are willing to negotiate.

What does that mean to the average photographer? It is yet ANOTHER reason to hold the line on prices and to negotiate better deals, or walk away from the table. Use the fact that they shelled out so much money for those images as one of your negotiating tactics.

Oh, and no one ever “makes” a photographer take a crap deal; s/he chooses to do that him/herself. Always. You can always say “no.”

The second part of the story is that Time, Inc. and Hello are going after gawker.com for infringing on copyright and their exclusive publication rights. Gawker, a blog-ish site that has repeatedly stolen images and other material to fill its pages, published a small version of one of the photos, in its original context on the cover the the publication. Ooops! That’s a double infringement--the image AND the cover as a whole. And the lawyers at Time, Inc. and Hello are serious about this.

Now why would they be bothering if they weren’t aware how important their intellectual property rights were? What value they held? They know, and every creative should know the value of his/her work as well.

As I posted on one of the photo forums earlier, infringement makes for strange bedfellows--go get ‘em Time. Inc.!

and another from Wired magazine:
Thank you Jeff Howe for that delightful and insightful article.
You can read his brilliant blog followup to the article here
(and I suggest you do!)


The Rise of Crowdsourcing
1. The Professional

Remember outsourcing? Sending jobs to India and China is so 2003. The new pool of cheap labor: everyday people using their spare cycles to create content, solve problems, even do corporate R & D.

Claudia Menashe needed pictures of sick people. A project director at the National Health Museum in Washington, DC, Menashe was putting together a series of interactive kiosks devoted to potential pandemics like the avian flu. An exhibition designer had created a plan for the kiosk itself, but now Menashe was looking for images to accompany the text. Rather than hire a photographer to take shots of people suffering from the flu, Menashe decided to use preexisting images – stock photography, as it’s known in the publishing industry.

In October 2004, she ran across a stock photo collection by Mark Harmel, a freelance photographer living in Manhattan Beach, California. Harmel, whose wife is a doctor, specializes in images related to the health care industry. “Claudia wanted people sneezing, getting immunized, that sort of thing,” recalls Harmel, a slight, soft-spoken 52-year-old.
The National Health Museum has grand plans to occupy a spot on the National Mall in Washington by 2012, but for now it’s a fledgling institution with little money. “They were on a tight budget, so I charged them my nonprofit rate,” says Harmel, who works out of a cozy but crowded office in the back of the house he shares with his wife and stepson. He offered the museum a generous discount: $100 to $150 per photograph. “That’s about half of what a corporate client would pay,” he says. Menashe was interested in about four shots, so for Harmel, this could be a sale worth $600.

After several weeks of back-and-forth, Menashe emailed Harmel to say that, regretfully, the deal was off. “I discovered a stock photo site called iStockphoto,” she wrote, “which has images at very affordable prices.” That was an understatement. The same day, Menashe licensed 56 pictures through iStockphoto – for about $1 each.

iStockphoto, which grew out of a free image-sharing exchange used by a group of graphic designers, had undercut Harmel by more than 99 percent. How? By creating a marketplace for the work of amateur photographers – homemakers, students, engineers, dancers. There are now about 22,000 contributors to the site, which charges between $1 and $5 per basic image. (Very large, high-resolution pictures can cost up to $40.) Unlike professionals, iStockers don’t need to clear $130,000 a year from their photos just to break even; an extra $130 does just fine. “I negotiate my rate all the time,” Harmel says. “But how can I compete with a dollar?”
He can’t, of course. For Harmel, the harsh economics lesson was clear: The product Harmel offers is no longer scarce. Professional-grade cameras now cost less than $1,000. With a computer and a copy of Photoshop, even entry-level enthusiasts can create photographs rivaling those by professionals like Harmel. Add the Internet and powerful search technology, and sharing these images with the world becomes simple.

At first, the stock industry aligned itself against iStockphoto and other so-called microstock agencies like ShutterStock and Dreamstime. Then, in February, Getty Images, the largest agency by far with more than 30 percent of the global market, purchased iStockphoto for $50 million. “If someone’s going to cannibalize your business, better it be one of your other businesses,” says Getty CEO Jonathan Klein. iStockphoto’s revenue is growing by about 14 percent a month and the service is on track to license about 10 million images in 2006 – several times what Getty’s more expensive stock agencies will sell. iStockphoto’s clients now include bulk photo purchasers like IBM and United Way, as well as the small design firms once forced to go to big stock houses. “I was using Corbis and Getty, and the image fees came out of my design fees, which kept my margin low,” notes one UK designer in an email to the company.

“iStockphoto’s micro-payment system has allowed me to increase my profit margin.” Welcome to the age of the crowd. Just as distributed computing projects like UC Berkeley’s SETI@home have tapped the unused processing power of millions of individual computers, so distributed labor networks are using the Internet to exploit the spare processing power of millions of human brains. The open source software movement proved that a network of passionate, geeky volunteers could write code just as well as the highly paid developers at Microsoft or Sun Microsystems. Wikipedia showed that the model could be used to create a sprawling and surprisingly comprehensive online encyclopedia. And companies like eBay and MySpace have built profitable businesses that couldn’t exist without the contributions of users.

All these companies grew up in the Internet age and were designed to take advantage of the networked world. But now the productive potential of millions of plugged-in enthusiasts is attracting the attention of old-line businesses, too. For the last decade or so, companies have been looking overseas, to India or China, for cheap labor. But now it doesn’t matter where the laborers are – they might be down the block, they might be in Indonesia – as long as they are connected to the network.

Technological advances in everything from product design software to digital video cameras are breaking down the cost barriers that once separated amateurs from professionals. Hobbyists, part-timers, and dabblers suddenly have a market for their efforts, as smart companies in industries as disparate as pharmaceuticals and television discover ways to tap the latent talent of the crowd. The labor isn’t always free, but it costs a lot less than paying traditional employees. It’s not outsourcing; it’s crowdsourcing.

It took a while for Harmel to recognize what was happening. “When the National Health Museum called, I’d never heard of iStockphoto,” he says. “But now, I see it as the first hole in the dike.” In 2000, Harmel made roughly $69,000 from a portfolio of 100 stock photographs, a tidy addition to what he earned from commissioned work. Last year his stock business generated less money – $59,000 – from more than 1,000 photos. That’s quite a bit more work for less money.

Harmel isn’t the only photographer feeling the pinch. Last summer, there was a flurry of complaints on the Stock Artists Alliance online forum. “People were noticing a significant decline in returns on their stock portfolios,” Harmel says. “I can’t point to iStockphoto and say it’s the culprit, but it has definitely put downward pressure on prices.” As a result, he has decided to shift the focus of his business to assignment work. “I just don’t see much of a future for professional stock photography,” he says.

I have even more painful stories from the front - those come next...