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life seemed a little bit better in the morning...

Went with mom for her c-scope. Amazing news! it was nothing! The spot they found on the PET scan was actually another inflammation. What a relief that was. She walked out all smiles - exhausted, dehydrated and hungry, but happy.

Would it be too hopeful to think that she might have kept the cancer at bay this time? We can only hope - which is what we are doing a lot of these days...


and also went to the gym last night and it was good to catch up with an old friend as well we are going to karaoke at a dive bar (I mean, a real low down dingy dive bar) on Thursday - a celebration of sorts. Time to work on my inner pipes.

but running was therapeutic - did lots of stretches which went a long way in the post aches. Got home at 9pm. Time well spent I say.

and when I woke up, life seemed a little bit better in the morning...

the low on the low down

feeling quite low energy lately
nothing much to do
not able to do much


I've stopped going to the gym on a regular basis, and it disturbs me. What once acted as my anti-depressant boost has slowly puttered away, and it (like pretty much everything else in my life right now) has become a chore. I could lift 1000 pounds easier than I can lift this profuse fog of languid boredom.


I can't even write.
Words sputter our from the stumps of my nailbeds like dried ink blots. Eyes drag across the page like reams of wet fabric. The mind is caught in an elliptical apathetic mantra of "why should I/do I give a flying fuck?"

I don't know.

Hope that this will pass because every day, every morning that I wake up, I leave a little part of my soul behind when I dream of better days gone by.




Aries Horoscope for week of July 24, 2008

Anna Renalda Hyatt, a reader from Colorado, bragged to me about her prowess. "My capacity for expressing love far surpasses that of anyone I have ever met," she wrote. "I am a Sublime Genius of Love, a Master of Unconditional Compassion, a Virtuoso of Deep Empathy." Your assignment in the coming days, Aries, is to compete with her: Unleash a perfect storm of ingenious passion that will ignite subtle revolutions everywhere you go. Explore the frontiers of smart love.





but this makes more sense...

At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.

in the blink of an eye, she was gone

“There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.”

Douglas Adams

taking a little hiatus for a week or so, or more.
Need time to process things. Need time to rest.

edit me

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.
.

Edit me
make me whole
take me apart
and then
in the fragments
find the meaning
and piece me
back together
again

because from there on
I will never be
the same
the same
or different
because
I'm rearranged

Edit me
because you want
to know me

edit me
because you might
be afraid of
reading between
these lines



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it could be something, it could be nothing...

The pet scan revealed two spots - one on her lymph node right in the middle of her chest, the other on her colon.

The doctor says that he's not really sure what they are, and is ordering more tests.
"it could be something, it could be nothing..."

so I'm trying to keep a positive spin on things, and as hard as my brain is fighting me on this "new attitude", i seem to be winning.
Slowly.

One neuron at a time.

The other night, while plagued with fear and anxiety about the fact that perhaps, the cancer is once again manifesting itself in her body, I simply slowed down the mind machine, took a few deep breaths and said: "anything is possible, and everything is possible. Whether you you say you can't or you can, it's true..."

I think my last session is starting to sink in
things are slowly making sense, and the path of least resistance is opening up, becoming brighter, and although much of it still under construction, I'm taking it slow.


***

got stung by a wasp - 4 times in one split second.

and it hurt like hell

Never have been bitten by a bee/wasp before, it's convincing to say that all the horror stories I had heard were true. It hurts like a mf'r.


I was trying to move away some seemingly carnivorously vines that were about to grab me over mom's fence in her back yard today, and as I was bending one tangled loop over to the other side, before I had a chance to blink, I heard a nasty and loud buzz.

Mosquitoes i thought.
but this nasty hot poker iron that was driven deep into my face and arms (and chest) was unmistakable. In hindsight (and thanks to google), I should have not swatted so furiously, but i just wanted it to get away from my face. I ran into the house swearing like an inebriated drunk trucker. The bites were enormous. I grabbed some ice, a bottle of vinegar and stood before the bathroom mirror awestruck by the precision and speed of the attack.

So as I sit here typing this, the right side of my face underneath my eye is swollen, my arm and writs throb, but the program I am feeding into this machine is "at least I wasn't allergic! So that's a good thing..."

nlp for you and me

saw the life coach today


not an hour too soon either

wonderful, wonderful


did a list of my "values" today

interesting interesting


found out that one compliments the other

intertwined intertwined


found out where I'm needing to focus

corrections corrections



homework was to beleive in my dreams

options options


no more "I can't do anything"

no more lies no more lies
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the longest night - will the cancer return?

the longest night - will the cancer return?
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty

This will perhaps be one of those long agonizing nights for me, and I can't even begin to imagine how long and sleepless hers will be...

She finds out the results of her PET scan tomorrow afternoon.

We are all hoping and praying that she will be in the clear, but the reality is, if it spread to the lungs last time, the major organs are next.

There have been miracles - people manage to live years cancer free, but this is a very aggressive form of melanoma, so as much as we try not to think about it, it's there in the back of our minds.

So please send her some positive thoughts 2mrw afternoon. She goes in at noon, but will end up seeing the doctor about 12:30-1:30

I will keep you all posted.

totally put off - the final vroom vroom part 5

I'm totally put off by driving

at least that is how I'm feeling today, and might be for a while until I am able to replace this horrible and traumatic experience with another positive one

which might mean that I have to go to a different driving school with a different instructor (who I hope is a little less uptight and high strung and sounding like my mother can on her worst days)

there is no good way to teach somebody through fear mongering or yelling at them

and that is what happened today

I was yelled at because I didn't change lanes when I had the chance

wtf ?!


what am I going to learn from this?
Don't change lanes
ever

or at least avoid traffic rush hour like your life and the lives of everybody else on this planet depended on it.

bad taste in my mouth
like the metal pipe that hangs from the exhaust system from underneath the car I was driving

at least that was the place I would have rather spent my 60 minutes today...

terrified, panic stricken and discouraged - could catholic guilt be to blame? V4

That is how I'm feeling now
along with deflated and worn

drove today
had a different instructor

was she better or worse than the last one?

Well, just different degrees of worse and better

I was hoping for a young even keeled zen master female, but instead I got an older hicktown hillbilly woman who spoke with a thick accent, threw lots of slang around, messing up my internal translation system and used her passenger break enough to freak me out and doubt my driving skills.

a lot

rush hour is not the best place to take a student who is learning how to drive - at least not until they have mastered the art of lane changes, and I'm far from that yet.

so imagine my horror when we were confronted by surprise construction sites/obstacles that seemed to fall out of the sky, forcing me to come to a screeching halt in the middle of rush hour traffic, blocking up the stream behind me like an angry constipated mule, people whizzing by, waving their hands up in the air, wondering what the hell I was doing on the road in the first place, and then me trying to merge into an oncoming traffic stream that was relentless in it's force - a metal tsunami on wheels.

I think that by having the sign on the car screaming out in bold letters "DRIVING SCHOOL - STUDENT AT THE WHEEL" saved me from getting my head punched in from irate drivers.

seriously...

and after two hours, I wondered why the hell I would even want to put myself through more torture.

and we have not even tried to go on the highway yet

I will need a whole truckload of ativan to get me through that lesson (which it seems like I will have to take an extra one or two cause I'm nowhere near ready to do that now)

Terrified, panic stricken and discouraged, I pulled into the school parking lot and almost wept my eyes out, but they were too tired from scanning and avoiding possible oncoming collisions.

My next lesson is tomorrow. Too soon for my liking but to change it would mean a 60$ penalty, and I need that cash to put towards more self inflicted torture behind the wheel.


"You always think that you are at fault, that you don't have the right of way - but in fact, you do, and you hesitate to take charge of those opportunities to change lanes/pass cars"

Ha.
Talk about my f*cken catholic guilt coming to the surface.


Even when I'm driving, I feel as if I am in the wrong, that because I'm a lowly inexperienced driver, I'm beneath the other more experienced drivers and therefore, should honor my superiors, and humble myself, take responsibility for messing up/causing accidents etc.

how completely insane is that?

Going to see the life coach on Thursday - will be sure to dig into that unholy closet of ghosts to work on this vice.

oh bloody hell...

yea, bloody hell is where my guilt should go and should stay.

vroom vroom part 3

took a long drive today
went over the bridge onto the other island, had to make some quick heavy duty lane changed due to unforeseen construction work, but i managed to do it with finesse, despite the fact that my palms were dripping sweat from the maneuvers.

but I did it and I'm proud as punch
(whatever that expression really means)
because it means that I am getting more and more comfortable behind the wheel and driving in traffic. I keep thinking from the end - license in hand, hitting the highway, wind in my hair and tunes blasting on the radio, going down to vermont to go camping by myself in the woods, or going on a road trip with the girls.

it will be so liberating, despite the fact that gas is so bloody expensive, if I have to skip meals for a few days just to be able to get out into the open road, so be it.

i can stand to lose a few pounds anyway

and oh yea, what an incentive to drive all the way off the island
Had dic ann's - oh those flat spicy hamburgers and skinny fries were sublime....

Ramblings - thes best kind

whenever I'm depressed, I watch this video. And it's even more hysterical now that I'm learning how to drive...

bang on and peel my skin away

sure, this applies to everybody and anybody that is an aries - but how he hits it bang on is besides me...


Aries Horoscope for week of July 3, 2008




Here's the first rule of panning for gold: Go to a slow-moving stream where flecks of the precious metal have been found by others in the past. The second rule is this: Although gold is carried along by the current, it's heavier than water and thus rarely appears right on the surface. Look deeper. A third pointer is that if you do ultimately find substantial treasure, it'll be because you will have gradually accumulated a number flakes and nuggets over an extended period of time. You've got to be patient. Now, Aries, apply everything I just said to your search for metaphorical gold.




and then further down the page...

Notice how you feel as you speak the following: "The strong, independent part of me resisted the embarrassing truth for a long time, but I finally came to accept that I'm someone who craves vast amounts of love. Ever since I surrendered to this need, it doesn't nag me all the time, as it used to. In fact, it feels comforting, like a source of sweetness that doesn't go away. I never thought I'd say this, but I've come to treasure the feeling of having a voracious yearning to be loved."

a link to a link is a link to another link

Through the magic of the internet, and blogger, I have met another writer who has lived and dealt with depression, and is now using her experience in her art, hoping to educate and enlighten others who have not been touched by this disease.

Nancy - thank you so much for visiting, for coming into my sphere. I have a feeling that a collaboration might be in the cards for us ;-)

It's good to be funny

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.
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I remember when I was funny, and wrote about funny things

back in the days life was funny - and I got a chance to write a play about it (!)

but then life took a serious turn

and then something not so funny happened
and then I lost my funny mojo

now life is taking me down a different path,
and I am finding direction again

and it's just so appropriate that I came across Wendy's blog

finally, something to laugh at, about and with

Thank you Wendy for being so funny
and rekindling the funny in me!

While the rest of canada moves, i try to have a Confident Conviction

July 1st.
while the rest of canada was in the midst of moving, I was starting my first session with the nlp/life coach went really well.

Really really well.

She said so many many things that made sense - obvious things, and things that seemed so simple, I don't know why i didn't think of them before.

but there were bold steps - leaps of faith that I will have to take for this stuff to work

"what would you do in your life if anything were possible, if you could not fail?"

That's a loaded question with an equally loaded answer...

Hollywood?
Making my own sitcom/comedy sketch show?
Documentaries that win oscars?
Living somewhere in Greece during the winter months, New York in the summer?

yea, it all seems like a pipe dream to me now

but then again
what if it were all possible?

Must re-frame my way of thinking.
Access the inner child in me - the one who would not take no for an answer.
The one who believed in miracles. The one who wanted to help the world when she grew up.

how strange is it that I wanted first to be a stewardess (loved the idea of travel), then a brain surgeon (ironic that i ended up having a gig as a medical photographer at the neurological institute here)

onward and upward
New dreams, new plans

new beginnings



July 1, 2008
Confident Conviction
Aries Daily Horoscope

Calculated risks that you have committed to might cause you to experience anxiety and fear today. If these risks cause you discomfort, try to remain steadfast in the knowledge that your decisions are correct. Trusting your choices, even when you are as frightened as you are excited, can help you overcome your anxiety and face life’s challenges. The path you’ve chosen can seem less foreboding if you have faith in yourself. Should you become apprehensive, making a mental list of the successful risks you’ve taken in the past may help to ease your insecurities. Today can be a wonderful time to step back from your situation in order to take stock of all of your strengths.

Self-trust can be the most powerful weapon we possess when we have to combat fear. Most fear stems from self-doubt and the feeling that we are not capable of understanding a concept or completing a task. When you trust yourself, you acknowledge your faith in your ability to make decisions and succeed. The fear of failure or of undeserved accomplishment has little chance of gaining a foothold in your soul. Also, you become empowered to take risks without second-guessing yourself because you are secure in the knowledge that you would not choose an undertaking you were unprepared for. Trusting yourself today can help you dissipate your fears—you know that the risks you have chosen will be beneficial ultimately.

invincible summer

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"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

Albert Camus



thank you my dear for this quote

it lifts me up and sets me free

ox

and when I fell, I seemed to bounce back as if my body were made of elastic...

went to the gym at 10pm tonight.
I don't usually do that, but thought that the excess energy (and money) that I had spent shopping for clothes that will now fit me (since I have lost some weight, my unmentionables are kind of loose...) had to be channeled into something productive.

Was going to pull out the cam, but had no patience, despite the fact that digital photography gives you immediate results, still, I could not have been bothered.

so I dashed into my workout wear (and I opted for grungy and worn out), skipped to the gym with my latest downloads of Pearl Jam and Depeche Mode buzzing in my ears.

the place was almost empty - the way I like it.

Some die hard bbuilders flexing their muscles, taking off their shirts and comparing cuts and ripples.

I slipped in unnoticed
the way I wanted to be

what an express workout it was. Didn't rest much between sets - flew from one machine to another, all the while, watching the clock to see if I could make the last batch of exercises before 11pm

Went on some wacky cardio machine - a moving step machine with handles that move in unison to the steps for an "full body workout"

plopped myself in front of the tv with CNN close captioned - just the way I like it, and kicked it up 2000 notches.

was heading for 30 minutes but at 11:01pm, I had to wind down at 23.

And then I fell.

Got my ankle caught on one of the pedals/steps and onto my side I tumbled - tried to break my fall with the fleshy part of my palm.

Gloves, towel, water bottle, sweaty redhead - all splayed out on the floor in various locations.

I tried to get up, but that made things worse. Had to unlatch my foot from being pinned under that mammoth paddle - ended up rolling out on my side and then, slowly back to a kneeling position.

Thank the Lord there was nobody there. I was able to be alone in my shame and inability to keep my balance.

My HR was up to 158 - no wonder I was weak!

Saw my friend at the desk - showed her my hand and said:

"thank god I had some extra energy to make it down the stairs. If not, you would have found me bent over the machine, having slept there overnight because I was unable to move from my tumble..."

"Are you okay? Your palm is really red!"
"I don't feel a thing - I bounced back as if my body were made of elastic. But I'll be feelin' it tomorrow!"

Don't think I'll be needing to do anything that will require much mobility in that arm, aside from driving, but it's all good.

Tomorrow is moving day - and I am going to see the Life Coach/NLP practitioner.

out with the old, in with the new

am doing the body cleanse with eating right and exercise

and now, a good mental cleaning - just what I needed.

I'll keep you posted as to how it went...