This was taken by one of my fave photographers on Flickr - his screen name is Janesdead and his images are brilliant!! Each one has an essence of magic and brilliance that just touches me so deeply that when I see them, I just can't help but to be lifted up. He dedicated this photo to me and my mother "for hpk and family - love and hugs".
I know that my mom is really being lifted up by all the positive attention and love she is getting from everyone. Outpourings of sympathy and encouragement are just coming out of the woodwork, and I know it keeps her feeling positive, which makes me breathe easier. But it's still hard.
She is my mom, I have always counted on her for support, and to think that she might not be around to see me 'finally break into the buisness', she might not be around to see my first feature film breaks my heart to peices, but I can't think that far ahead. Like she said, one step at a time. And I hope each step she takes, God is with her the whole way.
Thank you Sheldon
You are such a beautiful soul and I thank you for coming into my and my mother's life.
ooxoxx
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Update
So mom got a call from one of the doctors today - she is seeing the plastic surgeon 2mrw (I have to meet her at the hospital at 9am) and they will tell her what to expect. The doctor thinks that the cancer might has drained into the lymph nodes of the neck and possibly underneath her arms.
The lymphatic system is a complex system of fluid drainage and transport, and immune response and disease resistance. Fluid that is forced out of the bloodstream during normal circulation is filtered through lymph nodes to remove bacteria, abnormal cells and other matter. This fluid is then transported back into the bloodstream via the lymph vessels. Lymph only moves in one direction, toward the heart. Common areas where lymph nodes can be easily felt, especially if they are enlarged, are: the groin, armpits (axilla), above the clavicle (supraclavicular), in the neck (cervical), and the back of the head just above hairline (occipital).
From there, they might have to remove those organs and patch her up with some extra skin for a skin graft. She is really being strong and optimistic. I am really blown away by her resolve and zen like take on things. Really puts thing into perspective.
Alot of people are praying for her. She has been having dozens upon dozens of emails come in on a regular basis of people who are thinking of her. I think that alone is what is so encouraging for her..
The lymphatic system is a complex system of fluid drainage and transport, and immune response and disease resistance. Fluid that is forced out of the bloodstream during normal circulation is filtered through lymph nodes to remove bacteria, abnormal cells and other matter. This fluid is then transported back into the bloodstream via the lymph vessels. Lymph only moves in one direction, toward the heart. Common areas where lymph nodes can be easily felt, especially if they are enlarged, are: the groin, armpits (axilla), above the clavicle (supraclavicular), in the neck (cervical), and the back of the head just above hairline (occipital).
From there, they might have to remove those organs and patch her up with some extra skin for a skin graft. She is really being strong and optimistic. I am really blown away by her resolve and zen like take on things. Really puts thing into perspective.
Alot of people are praying for her. She has been having dozens upon dozens of emails come in on a regular basis of people who are thinking of her. I think that alone is what is so encouraging for her..
Monday, January 09, 2006
Epictetus and dealing with cancer
It's been a hard few days.
Mom has been swinging back and fourth between stability and objectivity to fear and dread. I know that she is going to be going through so many things in the next little while. I can't even begin to imagine how insane it must be, waiting for a diagnosis.
She said if the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, the prognosis is 6-12 month.
that's how nasty melanoma can get.
it freaked the fuck out of me when she said that.
I would be crying my head off until I got the diagnosis, and then cry even more if that were the truth.
But she's not. She is one hell of an amazing woman. I think if anybody deserves a second chance, it should be her.
I pray every night now, send my wishes out to the universe, God, whoever is in charge of the big picture, and ask them to keep her alive and healthy.
Funny, and ironic. I never thought that this would happen to me, to my family, my mother.
I might be a prime candidate for melanoma as well. Fair skin and eyes. Just like mom.
Now every mole and pimple goes under scrutiny.
I came across this website - it's about Cognitive behavior therapy - CBT.
Apparently a philosopher named Epictetus (c. 50–138 AD) was the first to employ these methods. Here are some quotes that I had to put here. I will be refering back to them often as I have a feeling they will be keeping me grounded over the next while. I hope you enjoy them as well.
Control
Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have accepted this fundamental rule, and learned to distinguish between what you can and cannot control, that inner tranquillity and outer effectiveness become possible.
Where trouble really comes from
Things themselves don’t hurt or hinder us. Neither do other people. How we view things and people is a different matter. Strange as it may seem at first, it is our own attitudes and reactions that give us the most trouble. We cannot always choose our external circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them.
Legislating for the world
Circumstances do not arise to meet our desires or expectations. Events happen as they do. People behave according to their own inclinations and what they are faced with — which we may not even be aware of. Don’t try to make your own rules that the world is supposed to follow. That is a recipe for frustration. Exercise what influence you can, then accept what you actually get and make the most of it.
and the last is perhaps one of the most important ones, and the one that seems to apply to me the most right now...
Nothing to lose
Nothing can truly be taken from us. There is nothing to lose. Everything, including one's own life, is on loan from the world. Inner peace begins when we stop saying of things, "I have lost it," and instead say, "It has been returned to where it came from." The important thing is to take great care of what you have while the world lets you have it, just as a traveler takes care of a room at an inn.
Mom has been swinging back and fourth between stability and objectivity to fear and dread. I know that she is going to be going through so many things in the next little while. I can't even begin to imagine how insane it must be, waiting for a diagnosis.
She said if the cancer has spread past the lymph nodes, the prognosis is 6-12 month.
that's how nasty melanoma can get.
it freaked the fuck out of me when she said that.
I would be crying my head off until I got the diagnosis, and then cry even more if that were the truth.
But she's not. She is one hell of an amazing woman. I think if anybody deserves a second chance, it should be her.
I pray every night now, send my wishes out to the universe, God, whoever is in charge of the big picture, and ask them to keep her alive and healthy.
Funny, and ironic. I never thought that this would happen to me, to my family, my mother.
I might be a prime candidate for melanoma as well. Fair skin and eyes. Just like mom.
Now every mole and pimple goes under scrutiny.
I came across this website - it's about Cognitive behavior therapy - CBT.
Apparently a philosopher named Epictetus (c. 50–138 AD) was the first to employ these methods. Here are some quotes that I had to put here. I will be refering back to them often as I have a feeling they will be keeping me grounded over the next while. I hope you enjoy them as well.
Control
Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have accepted this fundamental rule, and learned to distinguish between what you can and cannot control, that inner tranquillity and outer effectiveness become possible.
Where trouble really comes from
Things themselves don’t hurt or hinder us. Neither do other people. How we view things and people is a different matter. Strange as it may seem at first, it is our own attitudes and reactions that give us the most trouble. We cannot always choose our external circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them.
Legislating for the world
Circumstances do not arise to meet our desires or expectations. Events happen as they do. People behave according to their own inclinations and what they are faced with — which we may not even be aware of. Don’t try to make your own rules that the world is supposed to follow. That is a recipe for frustration. Exercise what influence you can, then accept what you actually get and make the most of it.
and the last is perhaps one of the most important ones, and the one that seems to apply to me the most right now...
Nothing to lose
Nothing can truly be taken from us. There is nothing to lose. Everything, including one's own life, is on loan from the world. Inner peace begins when we stop saying of things, "I have lost it," and instead say, "It has been returned to where it came from." The important thing is to take great care of what you have while the world lets you have it, just as a traveler takes care of a room at an inn.
E=MCMilkshake
I could not resist.
Inkycat is just soo brilliant!
I will be back soon.
Mom's PET scan is tommorow. We are all waiting on pins and needles...
Inkycat is just soo brilliant!
I will be back soon.
Mom's PET scan is tommorow. We are all waiting on pins and needles...
Friday, January 06, 2006
how crazy is this???!!!
I just got word from a friend of mine in the biz. I met him when I was in NYC. We all had our photos as part of the flickr expo. He is super cool and is from LA and is now in NYC producing and doing cinematography for some work of his own. When I was down there about 3 weeks ago, we talked about doing some work together in the future. He saw my films and was very impressed with my cinematography and had a huge discussion about what life is like in the film biz. It was all really great - getting the other side of things. Needless to say, I was really happy that I had made this great contact who I considered to be a mentor for future work and cinema insight. God knows that I am going to need all the help I can get at this point!!!
So onto today. Here is my horoscope for the week beginning tomorrow. I am flipping....
Your Weekend: How far away is the future? About as far away as the past. And how far is that? Well, in one way, yesterday is distant and irrecoverable, yet the memory of it is instantly accessible. We can't remember tomorrow but that doesn't mean we can't instinctively instantly 'know' something of what it contains. You need, this weekend, to think about what you want to happen. Then you need to recognize that if you really work for this, you can make it happen. 2006 is not, repeat not, going to be a rerun of 2005.
I got an email from him about 10 minutes ago. He has a gig for me at the end of the month. 250/day cash for 3 day shoot. I'd be staying at his place (which is right in Manhattan) and I would be working with some really cool people. After that, he has another gig for me in February - low pay but the hours are long and working with a great crew and they are actually submitting these shorts for an Emmy in the new media category.
I am flipping. Nothing is written in stone - yet, but I am soo pumped. I am almost on the verge of hyperventilating!! AHAHHAH!
Can this be real? Can my dreams actually be starting to take shape?! I am freakign out. But the only thing is my mom's surgery. She goes in on the 17th of this month and will be in bed for the next month with her whole skin graft. I have a feeling that she will tell me to go - she knows ho much this means to me, but at the same time, I still would feel terribly guilty leaving her behind in a post-op state, especially since it's not an operation for apendeticis - it's fucken cancer... Well, time to ask the universe for a helping hand. And I'll need a big one at that!!!
Wish me luck...
So onto today. Here is my horoscope for the week beginning tomorrow. I am flipping....
Your Weekend: How far away is the future? About as far away as the past. And how far is that? Well, in one way, yesterday is distant and irrecoverable, yet the memory of it is instantly accessible. We can't remember tomorrow but that doesn't mean we can't instinctively instantly 'know' something of what it contains. You need, this weekend, to think about what you want to happen. Then you need to recognize that if you really work for this, you can make it happen. 2006 is not, repeat not, going to be a rerun of 2005.
I got an email from him about 10 minutes ago. He has a gig for me at the end of the month. 250/day cash for 3 day shoot. I'd be staying at his place (which is right in Manhattan) and I would be working with some really cool people. After that, he has another gig for me in February - low pay but the hours are long and working with a great crew and they are actually submitting these shorts for an Emmy in the new media category.
I am flipping. Nothing is written in stone - yet, but I am soo pumped. I am almost on the verge of hyperventilating!! AHAHHAH!
Can this be real? Can my dreams actually be starting to take shape?! I am freakign out. But the only thing is my mom's surgery. She goes in on the 17th of this month and will be in bed for the next month with her whole skin graft. I have a feeling that she will tell me to go - she knows ho much this means to me, but at the same time, I still would feel terribly guilty leaving her behind in a post-op state, especially since it's not an operation for apendeticis - it's fucken cancer... Well, time to ask the universe for a helping hand. And I'll need a big one at that!!!
Wish me luck...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
holy crap - full throttle and other moments of sheer panic
ANOTHER LOST POST - NOTE TO SELF - FIND MY PLACE
I do my best work when I am under stress.
It's not a healthy thing mind you, and God forbid it kills me before I become famous, but I seem to get really focused and creative
and sometimes it just scares the living shit out of me
like now...
This is an email I sent to a gallery owner I met on Saturday.
After walking into his gallery - looking at the photos on the walls and telling e: "my shit is way better than this!" and having the gallery owner come over to me (I guess I must have made him wonder - who is that ballsy chick??!) and talk shop for over an hour.
And then went back again as we were leaving the Rhonda Schaller gallery (the one in chelsea - the gallery owner who just ADORES my work! I still can't get over that...) walking back into his studio, up to his desk and putting two of my prints down and said:
"this is my work. I will email you more when I get home. I hope this piqued your interest..."
E's comment: Holy crap! I'm so proud of you! You just walked in there, without a second thought, up to his desk and showed him your work! Talk about balls! You were acting like you were really in your element, and it was soo nice to see that again.
and I must say, I really did feel like I was in my element.
Could it have just been because I was in a New York State of mind?
Could it have been that I was "in vacation mode" where everything is surreal and honeymoon-state-ish?
Could it have been that I was on a manic high?
I can definitely say a big medicated no to the last one. I was calm, cool and collected both inside and out.
So what was it?
Now that I'm back in my cold, snowy, moldy bathroom element, I am beginning to question it all, which is about as toxic as the mold behind my walls.
This is the email I sent him today. Had been putting it off since I got back (oh yea, did I mention that I'm doing 3 more shoots in two days with Alex before he leaves for Brazil on the 17th? He wants to make the cover of a magazine and is set on us doing it. More stress. Stress. And more stress. Did I say that i was stressed?)
B,
I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to talk with me about your gallery, your work and sharing your wisdom about the art world. I had a lot to think about on the ride home to home - where I am at as an artist, where I want to go with that art, and how I want my art to impact the world. Difficult questions with no easy answers, but answers nonetheless, which I beleive are constantly evolving as we evolve with our work.
Several points you had brought up resonated deep within me - almost a knowing, a realization that I'm at the point in my career where challenge is a necessary impetus for pushing my creative boundaries, and that your gallery's mission is to take on artists who are willing to take this route, who are willing to learn and grow.
Like I had mentioned - my own home town and nearby neighbor have both turned their backs on me, despite my many attempts to showcase my work, but in the light of our discussion, perhaps they are not ready for the strange and bold directions I am blazing in my photography, and perhaps that's a good thing - especially if places like New York are ready to embrace me (slowly and piece by piece), as they already have in the past and continue to do so.
I am sending you a link to some of my selected galleries:
insomniacs elixir
Blue - a journey within
bathroom series
and my strange fascination with bathrooms (some self-portraits included):
erotic neurotic bathroom
I hope that this is not an overwhelming group of images - (my current struggle with manic depression has made it hard for me to be objective) and that you'll find something that will pique your interest.
I hope that my work might find a home at your gallery because my intuition tells me that within this creative environment, evolution on an exponential level would be something that I would experience, and am definitely ready for. ..
It was a real pleasure meeting you and hope that our paths will cross again someday soon. Your dynamic energy and extraordinary creative presence really inspired me - thank you so very much.
Cheers,
HPK
and his reply a few hours later (which floored me - this guy means business...)
I do my best work when I am under stress.
It's not a healthy thing mind you, and God forbid it kills me before I become famous, but I seem to get really focused and creative
and sometimes it just scares the living shit out of me
like now...
This is an email I sent to a gallery owner I met on Saturday.
After walking into his gallery - looking at the photos on the walls and telling e: "my shit is way better than this!" and having the gallery owner come over to me (I guess I must have made him wonder - who is that ballsy chick??!) and talk shop for over an hour.
And then went back again as we were leaving the Rhonda Schaller gallery (the one in chelsea - the gallery owner who just ADORES my work! I still can't get over that...) walking back into his studio, up to his desk and putting two of my prints down and said:
"this is my work. I will email you more when I get home. I hope this piqued your interest..."
E's comment: Holy crap! I'm so proud of you! You just walked in there, without a second thought, up to his desk and showed him your work! Talk about balls! You were acting like you were really in your element, and it was soo nice to see that again.
and I must say, I really did feel like I was in my element.
Could it have just been because I was in a New York State of mind?
Could it have been that I was "in vacation mode" where everything is surreal and honeymoon-state-ish?
Could it have been that I was on a manic high?
I can definitely say a big medicated no to the last one. I was calm, cool and collected both inside and out.
So what was it?
Now that I'm back in my cold, snowy, moldy bathroom element, I am beginning to question it all, which is about as toxic as the mold behind my walls.
This is the email I sent him today. Had been putting it off since I got back (oh yea, did I mention that I'm doing 3 more shoots in two days with Alex before he leaves for Brazil on the 17th? He wants to make the cover of a magazine and is set on us doing it. More stress. Stress. And more stress. Did I say that i was stressed?)
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, December 12, 2007 3:11 PM I just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to talk with me about your gallery, your work and sharing your wisdom about the art world. I had a lot to think about on the ride home to home - where I am at as an artist, where I want to go with that art, and how I want my art to impact the world. Difficult questions with no easy answers, but answers nonetheless, which I beleive are constantly evolving as we evolve with our work.
Several points you had brought up resonated deep within me - almost a knowing, a realization that I'm at the point in my career where challenge is a necessary impetus for pushing my creative boundaries, and that your gallery's mission is to take on artists who are willing to take this route, who are willing to learn and grow.
Like I had mentioned - my own home town and nearby neighbor have both turned their backs on me, despite my many attempts to showcase my work, but in the light of our discussion, perhaps they are not ready for the strange and bold directions I am blazing in my photography, and perhaps that's a good thing - especially if places like New York are ready to embrace me (slowly and piece by piece), as they already have in the past and continue to do so.
I am sending you a link to some of my selected galleries:
insomniacs elixir
Blue - a journey within
bathroom series
and my strange fascination with bathrooms (some self-portraits included):
erotic neurotic bathroom
I hope that this is not an overwhelming group of images - (my current struggle with manic depression has made it hard for me to be objective) and that you'll find something that will pique your interest.
I hope that my work might find a home at your gallery because my intuition tells me that within this creative environment, evolution on an exponential level would be something that I would experience, and am definitely ready for. ..
It was a real pleasure meeting you and hope that our paths will cross again someday soon. Your dynamic energy and extraordinary creative presence really inspired me - thank you so very much.
Cheers,
HPK
and his reply a few hours later (which floored me - this guy means business...)
HPK,
Meeting you was a pleasure. And I did take the time to look at your work. There's a great deal of potential and pulse to your images.And I find the nudity second to the emotional expression. I think the nudity leaves you vulnerable and allows the fear, anger, and chaos's to come through.Having said that the body shots engage the viewer and seduces them into taking a closer look. What I would like to see is what's not on the web sites. A series of complete raw images that were done and enabled you to design the series from.One of my challenges is because I deal with international artists. I am not able to visit as many studios as I would like to see artists work.It helps to better understand the process and level of commitment. Most of my artists walk me through the process with written information about the concept and a series of images of the works progress. What I am looking for is all of it. Not just the finished product. It allows me to be informed and objective.And better understand your level of commitment. Show me what has been left on the cutting floor. Or that has never been seen because of fear, insecurity or vanity.Then we will chat.
Best
B
What we will be exhibiting this coming year will supersede the extraordinary. But my instincts tell me you are capable, driven and hungry. Now WOW me.
I sent him the whole "blue - depression" series - all of it. And although you can see much of me, there are other things, more scary things you see as well.
I guess he saw them and they piqued his interest.
Now did I mention this guy is BIG TIME!
I mean huge f*#en international scale with galleries in L.A and soon to be Tokyo and Spain?
The potential here is huge.
Is it just a pipe dream?
Perhaps.
Could this all be smoke and mirrors?
Maybe
Do I think this is all might be about my life - a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more? Is it a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?
Only time will tell, (and maybe Shakespeare...)
I sent him the whole "blue - depression" series - all of it. And although you can see much of me, there are other things, more scary things you see as well.
I guess he saw them and they piqued his interest.
Now did I mention this guy is BIG TIME!
I mean huge f*#en international scale with galleries in L.A and soon to be Tokyo and Spain?
The potential here is huge.
Is it just a pipe dream?
Perhaps.
Could this all be smoke and mirrors?
Maybe
Do I think this is all might be about my life - a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more? Is it a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?
Only time will tell, (and maybe Shakespeare...)
Happy 2006!!
What a way to bring in 2006!
Worked at the club - made my way through sweaty sticky packed together too tightly bodies and eneded up having a great time.
Welcome 2006.
Are you ready to get your ass kicked?
I have alot on my plate right now - getting over this hump (feeling like crap becasue it's the worst time of year for me...) and my mom's treatment/surgery which will take up most of my time and attention. I am hoping though, that in the downtime I will spend at her place, I will be posting more of my stories here. It's about time. I think I am due for a few long entries...
Worked at the club - made my way through sweaty sticky packed together too tightly bodies and eneded up having a great time.
Welcome 2006.
Are you ready to get your ass kicked?
I have alot on my plate right now - getting over this hump (feeling like crap becasue it's the worst time of year for me...) and my mom's treatment/surgery which will take up most of my time and attention. I am hoping though, that in the downtime I will spend at her place, I will be posting more of my stories here. It's about time. I think I am due for a few long entries...
Sunday, January 01, 2006
What this year has in store for me...
Well, weathered 2005 and I'm still here...
It's almost 6am and I just came back from a wonderful smoked meat sandwitch, greasy fries and managed to scrape off the makeup from my face. Tonight I worked at the club and it was outrageous!! Thought that my camera was broken, flipped, got home only to realize, DUH, it was my fault - screwed up on some setting. But I managed to take about 600 pix, and now will have to sift through them and hand them in Monday. But tonight was fun. Very cool.
I had to hop the fence to get into the club! lol
but it's all good.
Mom's PET scan is on Wedensday. Her surgery might be the 17th. We are all praying that the cancer has not spread too far. We are all keeping our fingers crossed.
Boy, this is gonna be one hell of a year, but if I can get through this, hell. I can get through anything...
As the countdown began, I remembered my trip to New York - having gone back a second time, and shaking on a deal to direct Sto's feature - big steps. It's all good ;-)
After the clock struck midnight, the music began to blare - New York New York by Frank Sinatra. I almost cried.
When I made my first visit to NYC, I sat in Central Park and asked myself Can I really make it here? Is this where I belong? And just out of the blue, some old man on a bike zipped past me, with a huge boom box attached to the back.
Well, guess what was playing.
Yep.
New York New York by Frank Sinatra.
The verse was if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere, it's up to you - New York, New York.
I still get chills when I think about that moment.
Out of all places, out of all songs, and just when I was sitting there. I'ts not like central park is a small place either.
Yep. Strange things indeed.
So just because I am such a sucker for these astro forecasts, I had to add this one. Perhaps next year I will look back on this, as I look back on what I wrote here a year ago, and smile.
Aries OVERVIEW: In matters of the heart, you've always preferred the chase to the capture. In fact, hard as it might be to believe, once the courtship dance is over -- especially if it doesn't last long enough or prove interesting enough -- you've actually been known to lose interest entirely. You won't have that problem this year though. From early January through early March, someone who absolutely demands your respect will attract a healthy portion of your attention. Suddenly, you'll be willing to suspend all rules, clean up your act and go out of your way to prove how honorable your intentions are -- just to ensure that you end up with the pleasure of their long-term company.
Love won't be your only focus this year, however. You may need to make a major decision regarding your job, thanks to two eclipses, classic harbingers of change. The first, in mid-March, will get the show on the road and probably make you restless enough to start looking for other options. By the time the second eclipse arrives in late September, you'll be more than ready to clear out your desk. Giving two weeks notice may not be first and foremost on your mind, especially if a better offer is already waiting impatiently in the wings. Just be sure your next step is set in stone before you burn any bridges.
Burning bridges will come easily to you by December, however, and you won't have to worry about any repercussions either. By New Year's Day 2007, you'll be amazed at how many great big changes you've made, possibly even including a long-distance move. Regardless of where you end up -- or with whom -- rest assured that this will be a year to remember and that everything will be just fine in the end. So don't worry if things aren't completely fine right now. All that means is that you're not at the end of this process just yet. Relax and do what feels right. You're reinventing yourself, and if you're smart, you'll allow yourself to enjoy the journey -- and to take your sweet time.
CAREER: Your powerful, restless energy generally means that if you're not moving up, you're itching to move on. That can be frustrating, as it might often seem that you're packing up (or wishing you were packing up) just as you finally get settled into a new position. Raw ambition can only get you so far, though, and early this year you will find yourself inspired to take a new look at your current position -- or maybe the next one in line -- as worthwhile on its own merits. You won't be shedding your ambition so much as fulfilling your desire to see longer-term plans come to fruition. Expect a two-month period of solid, deeply satisfying personal growth.
After all that, you will find substantial new territories to explore in the spring. The lunar eclipse just before the Ides of March brings subtle changes to your core mission. If your timing is just right and circumstances favor you, it will be a time of explosive growth. Your competitors don't stand much of a chance -- unless, that is, you let yourself get too distracted by the sheer volume of opportunities to pick a few and focus on them. The end of summer brings a more intense solar eclipse and a slower, quieter time for you and your clients. Spend the early autumn working on negotiations or other interpersonal interactions -- your strengths will lie in that domain.
Toward the end of the year, you might feel the urge to move on yet again. Try to channel that energy into something different -- jettison some of the less profitable or interesting components of your work, for example, or restructure your current approach. When you reflect on the changes 2006 has brought to your working life, you will see the deeper pattern that you likely missed while it was developing all around you. And you're still trending upward, even if it feels like you've stalled out. In the end, you will have found the stability necessary for true growth.
LOVE: For some time now, your love life has been in a holding pattern. It hasn't been dull -- you get the same endorphins from jogging in place that you do on a cross-country run over varied terrain -- but you're feeling restless. At the beginning of the year, you'll sense the opportunity to deepen a friendship or reignite a relationship that you'd begun to take for granted. Pay attention to the cues that indicate your partner is ready to take your connection to a more intense level. From January through March, give yourself plenty of time and opportunity to ease into this exciting change. Weekend getaways to unusual destinations, like a natural hot springs or a quirky amusement park, will help you two focus on each other's hopes, however outlandish or potentially embarrassing.
Around the middle of March, your ability to concentrate on the softer side of life will be somewhat diminished. Two eclipses, one in the spring and the other at the beginning of fall, suggests that major changes in your day-to-day life are coming, and your focus will be needed in other areas. You can keep your sympathies supple through all this upheaval by lavishing attention on yourself. Massages and daytrips to the spa will help you relax. Classic novels with passionate, inward-focused characters will remind you of your emotional needs, even while your ambition is being prodded by more pragmatic challenges.
By the time the winter holidays arrive, you will begin to feel more confident with the path your life is taking. And perhaps to your surprise, your clear-eyed vision of the future may not include a certain romantic partner. Think deeply about the situation, but if you feel like cleaning out your closet to make way for something new, don't second-guess your preference. You're coming into contact with new people every day, and if someone else is better aligned with your inner self, you won't rest until your lives run parallel in all the best ways.
It's almost 6am and I just came back from a wonderful smoked meat sandwitch, greasy fries and managed to scrape off the makeup from my face. Tonight I worked at the club and it was outrageous!! Thought that my camera was broken, flipped, got home only to realize, DUH, it was my fault - screwed up on some setting. But I managed to take about 600 pix, and now will have to sift through them and hand them in Monday. But tonight was fun. Very cool.
I had to hop the fence to get into the club! lol
but it's all good.
Mom's PET scan is on Wedensday. Her surgery might be the 17th. We are all praying that the cancer has not spread too far. We are all keeping our fingers crossed.
Boy, this is gonna be one hell of a year, but if I can get through this, hell. I can get through anything...
As the countdown began, I remembered my trip to New York - having gone back a second time, and shaking on a deal to direct Sto's feature - big steps. It's all good ;-)
After the clock struck midnight, the music began to blare - New York New York by Frank Sinatra. I almost cried.
When I made my first visit to NYC, I sat in Central Park and asked myself Can I really make it here? Is this where I belong? And just out of the blue, some old man on a bike zipped past me, with a huge boom box attached to the back.
Well, guess what was playing.
Yep.
New York New York by Frank Sinatra.
The verse was if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere, it's up to you - New York, New York.
I still get chills when I think about that moment.
Out of all places, out of all songs, and just when I was sitting there. I'ts not like central park is a small place either.
Yep. Strange things indeed.
So just because I am such a sucker for these astro forecasts, I had to add this one. Perhaps next year I will look back on this, as I look back on what I wrote here a year ago, and smile.
Aries OVERVIEW: In matters of the heart, you've always preferred the chase to the capture. In fact, hard as it might be to believe, once the courtship dance is over -- especially if it doesn't last long enough or prove interesting enough -- you've actually been known to lose interest entirely. You won't have that problem this year though. From early January through early March, someone who absolutely demands your respect will attract a healthy portion of your attention. Suddenly, you'll be willing to suspend all rules, clean up your act and go out of your way to prove how honorable your intentions are -- just to ensure that you end up with the pleasure of their long-term company.
Love won't be your only focus this year, however. You may need to make a major decision regarding your job, thanks to two eclipses, classic harbingers of change. The first, in mid-March, will get the show on the road and probably make you restless enough to start looking for other options. By the time the second eclipse arrives in late September, you'll be more than ready to clear out your desk. Giving two weeks notice may not be first and foremost on your mind, especially if a better offer is already waiting impatiently in the wings. Just be sure your next step is set in stone before you burn any bridges.
Burning bridges will come easily to you by December, however, and you won't have to worry about any repercussions either. By New Year's Day 2007, you'll be amazed at how many great big changes you've made, possibly even including a long-distance move. Regardless of where you end up -- or with whom -- rest assured that this will be a year to remember and that everything will be just fine in the end. So don't worry if things aren't completely fine right now. All that means is that you're not at the end of this process just yet. Relax and do what feels right. You're reinventing yourself, and if you're smart, you'll allow yourself to enjoy the journey -- and to take your sweet time.
CAREER: Your powerful, restless energy generally means that if you're not moving up, you're itching to move on. That can be frustrating, as it might often seem that you're packing up (or wishing you were packing up) just as you finally get settled into a new position. Raw ambition can only get you so far, though, and early this year you will find yourself inspired to take a new look at your current position -- or maybe the next one in line -- as worthwhile on its own merits. You won't be shedding your ambition so much as fulfilling your desire to see longer-term plans come to fruition. Expect a two-month period of solid, deeply satisfying personal growth.
After all that, you will find substantial new territories to explore in the spring. The lunar eclipse just before the Ides of March brings subtle changes to your core mission. If your timing is just right and circumstances favor you, it will be a time of explosive growth. Your competitors don't stand much of a chance -- unless, that is, you let yourself get too distracted by the sheer volume of opportunities to pick a few and focus on them. The end of summer brings a more intense solar eclipse and a slower, quieter time for you and your clients. Spend the early autumn working on negotiations or other interpersonal interactions -- your strengths will lie in that domain.
Toward the end of the year, you might feel the urge to move on yet again. Try to channel that energy into something different -- jettison some of the less profitable or interesting components of your work, for example, or restructure your current approach. When you reflect on the changes 2006 has brought to your working life, you will see the deeper pattern that you likely missed while it was developing all around you. And you're still trending upward, even if it feels like you've stalled out. In the end, you will have found the stability necessary for true growth.
LOVE: For some time now, your love life has been in a holding pattern. It hasn't been dull -- you get the same endorphins from jogging in place that you do on a cross-country run over varied terrain -- but you're feeling restless. At the beginning of the year, you'll sense the opportunity to deepen a friendship or reignite a relationship that you'd begun to take for granted. Pay attention to the cues that indicate your partner is ready to take your connection to a more intense level. From January through March, give yourself plenty of time and opportunity to ease into this exciting change. Weekend getaways to unusual destinations, like a natural hot springs or a quirky amusement park, will help you two focus on each other's hopes, however outlandish or potentially embarrassing.
Around the middle of March, your ability to concentrate on the softer side of life will be somewhat diminished. Two eclipses, one in the spring and the other at the beginning of fall, suggests that major changes in your day-to-day life are coming, and your focus will be needed in other areas. You can keep your sympathies supple through all this upheaval by lavishing attention on yourself. Massages and daytrips to the spa will help you relax. Classic novels with passionate, inward-focused characters will remind you of your emotional needs, even while your ambition is being prodded by more pragmatic challenges.
By the time the winter holidays arrive, you will begin to feel more confident with the path your life is taking. And perhaps to your surprise, your clear-eyed vision of the future may not include a certain romantic partner. Think deeply about the situation, but if you feel like cleaning out your closet to make way for something new, don't second-guess your preference. You're coming into contact with new people every day, and if someone else is better aligned with your inner self, you won't rest until your lives run parallel in all the best ways.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Solaris
The night before New Year's Eve. Last night of 2005. What a hell of a year folks.
So as I sit here, watching the clock near 3am, I reflect a little, wax poetic a tad and realize that I have almost come full circle.
A year ago this week I was asked to write the play - sex and la cité. It was this month that I shook on a deal to make me director of a friend's feature film that I will be shooting in NYC. Sex and la cité - about the girls from NYC coming to Montreal, Sex and the City - 4 30something girls living in NYC - do you see the similarities? A year from now, will I be waxing poetic as I find myself writing for HBO, rubbing elbows with Sarah Jessica Parket and Darren Star (creaters/producers of S.A.T.C)? Who knows. I never thought I would be here writing this that's for sure!
I spoke with two of my best friends today - one, a wise sage, my bro. It was so enlightening, and so apropriate that we met today. I got to sort out some things that were on my mind, we watched gleefully as a tea bud opened before our eyes to create the most lovley tea that I have ever tasted, we laughed, and reflected. It was a spiritual inventory/cleansing and it felt good.
Tonight, I called a best friend, my galpal, and despite her own shit on a plate, she let me rant, weep, and ramble on about all my woes under the sun. She gave me a kick in the ass alright, but it was not with a combat boot, but with a slipper, and God love her for that. With her too, I realized alot of things, realized that sometimes letting go is the best thing to do - old worries, self-defeating ways, old ties that bind, dreams that no longer fit the new me anymore.
It was all a cleansing. All taking inventory and tossing out what didn't belong.
How ironic that today was recycling day on my street...
I got the word tonight that I will be working at the club for New Year's Eve. I had been waiting on that forever. They called at 11:30pm. The boss told me: You better be around at midnight so we can have some champaigne!!
You bet my dear, you bet!
Out with the old, in with the new.
Here's hoping that 2006 will be a better year, and that all the seeds I have sown will finally begin to take root and grow.
All the best to you out there, whoever you are.
xo
So as I sit here, watching the clock near 3am, I reflect a little, wax poetic a tad and realize that I have almost come full circle.
A year ago this week I was asked to write the play - sex and la cité. It was this month that I shook on a deal to make me director of a friend's feature film that I will be shooting in NYC. Sex and la cité - about the girls from NYC coming to Montreal, Sex and the City - 4 30something girls living in NYC - do you see the similarities? A year from now, will I be waxing poetic as I find myself writing for HBO, rubbing elbows with Sarah Jessica Parket and Darren Star (creaters/producers of S.A.T.C)? Who knows. I never thought I would be here writing this that's for sure!
I spoke with two of my best friends today - one, a wise sage, my bro. It was so enlightening, and so apropriate that we met today. I got to sort out some things that were on my mind, we watched gleefully as a tea bud opened before our eyes to create the most lovley tea that I have ever tasted, we laughed, and reflected. It was a spiritual inventory/cleansing and it felt good.
Tonight, I called a best friend, my galpal, and despite her own shit on a plate, she let me rant, weep, and ramble on about all my woes under the sun. She gave me a kick in the ass alright, but it was not with a combat boot, but with a slipper, and God love her for that. With her too, I realized alot of things, realized that sometimes letting go is the best thing to do - old worries, self-defeating ways, old ties that bind, dreams that no longer fit the new me anymore.
It was all a cleansing. All taking inventory and tossing out what didn't belong.
How ironic that today was recycling day on my street...
I got the word tonight that I will be working at the club for New Year's Eve. I had been waiting on that forever. They called at 11:30pm. The boss told me: You better be around at midnight so we can have some champaigne!!
You bet my dear, you bet!
Out with the old, in with the new.
Here's hoping that 2006 will be a better year, and that all the seeds I have sown will finally begin to take root and grow.
All the best to you out there, whoever you are.
xo
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Almost a year ago to the day...
It's almost a year ago to the day that I started this blog. Recently, I have been running around between Montreal and New York city, trying to take care of my mother, trying to get my life back in order, trying to find my footing - and then woosh! Days turn into months and here I am, 12 months later, a full 180 degrees. Endings to old things, moving transitions and begining of new things. I wonder what 2006 will have in store for me...
This is what I wrote a year ago...
Last one for 2004.
I am back - but only for a short short blog.
Things have been up and down - been sick, lost my voice, found it again, and then lost it partially as of today. Looked under the bed, in the closet but it's nowhere to be found.
I am asking the universe for inspiration and strength for the new year.
I feel that I am on the cusp of something great. All I need is the energy and the focus to get through it all.
I am thankful for all the sunny days so far - they manage to get me through these winter months.
I took this photo last night at one of my gal pal's place. She is ripping up her bathroom of the downstairs apartment - it looks like hell - quite literally. We thought that something industrial would look cool. The idea behind this was ' a nice girl ends up in a bad place'. One night, you drink too much, black out for a little while, and then wake up to find yourself someplace where you know you should not be. I really think it works. The conditions were horrible (literally shit mixed with damp earth on the floor) - it was cold, damp and dark. I really had fun with her - we work really well together. She believes in my work and thinks this stuff is exhibition quality. I value her opinion highly - she is not one to give out compliments easily. These are dark dark photos. Funny - the eye sees before the mind does. On that note (oh - how depressing!!!) I wish all my readers a happy happy new year and may all your dreams come true in 2005!!!
This is what I wrote a year ago...
Last one for 2004.
I am back - but only for a short short blog.
Things have been up and down - been sick, lost my voice, found it again, and then lost it partially as of today. Looked under the bed, in the closet but it's nowhere to be found.
I am asking the universe for inspiration and strength for the new year.
I feel that I am on the cusp of something great. All I need is the energy and the focus to get through it all.
I am thankful for all the sunny days so far - they manage to get me through these winter months.
I took this photo last night at one of my gal pal's place. She is ripping up her bathroom of the downstairs apartment - it looks like hell - quite literally. We thought that something industrial would look cool. The idea behind this was ' a nice girl ends up in a bad place'. One night, you drink too much, black out for a little while, and then wake up to find yourself someplace where you know you should not be. I really think it works. The conditions were horrible (literally shit mixed with damp earth on the floor) - it was cold, damp and dark. I really had fun with her - we work really well together. She believes in my work and thinks this stuff is exhibition quality. I value her opinion highly - she is not one to give out compliments easily. These are dark dark photos. Funny - the eye sees before the mind does. On that note (oh - how depressing!!!) I wish all my readers a happy happy new year and may all your dreams come true in 2005!!!
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Exhibition at Medianoche
Me and my boyfriends in NYC.
This is me little less than a week ago when I was in NYC for the closing expo of the Medianoche art gallery in Spanish Harlem. It was so wonderful to be back, see people I had met only two months ago and to meet new ones as well.
Flickr has changed my life is so many wonderful ways!!
This is me little less than a week ago when I was in NYC for the closing expo of the Medianoche art gallery in Spanish Harlem. It was so wonderful to be back, see people I had met only two months ago and to meet new ones as well.
Flickr has changed my life is so many wonderful ways!!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Kitty and Newell
This was a shot of me and my friend Newell at the flickr closing party in NYC (yep - went there again!!) I had such a blast and can't wait to go back!
I shook on a deal to direct and shoot my friend's film this summer. Lots of stuff happening.
I thought about it - I could have had any opportunity anywhere else, but it happens to be New York City. I can't tell you how long I have dreamed of something like this to happen!!
Fingers crossed for the new year!!
Happy holidays to you all!!
xoox
I shook on a deal to direct and shoot my friend's film this summer. Lots of stuff happening.
I thought about it - I could have had any opportunity anywhere else, but it happens to be New York City. I can't tell you how long I have dreamed of something like this to happen!!
Fingers crossed for the new year!!
Happy holidays to you all!!
xoox
Monday, December 05, 2005
So boldly...
This was taken the last night I stayed in NYC. I went through a whole gammut of emotions in the span of a few sleepless hours. If you have ever seen Apocalypse Now - you will remember the scene where Martin Sheen has that meltdown in the hotel - well, mine didn't end up as bad. It was actually a doorway to positive discoveries, and I am changed woman because of it...
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Exactly where I am at now...
I just received an email from a dear dear friend of mine - hundreds and hundreds of miles away, but we are so close together in the same boat, when he inhales from his cigarette, I exhale out the smoke...
HPK I'm exhausted. There's a golden road in front of me, and all I can do is struggle to escape the grasp of my family's insanity, and the bogey-men that were planted in my head by them. When your earliest lessons in life are to hate yourself, and to distrust everyone else, finding your potential gets to feeling lost a lost battle.
My dear Rev. K - I hear you, so very well, but we have to try because we really have nothing left to lose.
HPK I'm exhausted. There's a golden road in front of me, and all I can do is struggle to escape the grasp of my family's insanity, and the bogey-men that were planted in my head by them. When your earliest lessons in life are to hate yourself, and to distrust everyone else, finding your potential gets to feeling lost a lost battle.
My dear Rev. K - I hear you, so very well, but we have to try because we really have nothing left to lose.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
The phonecall we never want to get...
The phone call we never want to get...
"now this is the time that CBT and all it's wonderful principles will be put to the test"
My mom's words after she called me to say that her doctor said she had melanoma. The apparent cyst on her shoulder was cancerous - a stage 4 - deep into the skin. They are not sure if it's spread to her lymph nodes or anywhere else for that matter.
"we just have to take one day at a time and think positive."
I wonder how much of that is positive thinking and which part is her just trying to block things out. I wonder if she really believes what she is saying or if she is just saying it to calm herself and everybody else. I wonder if and wish that CBT really does work for her - all that she has learned, read about, practiced. I know that it will test my strength and faith in this therapy.
I'm a little bit numb right now.
My best friend said: it's the lack of information that makes us start spinning - our mind begins to try to fill in the gaps, and does so with all the wrong things - paranoia, fear, hopelessness - these horrible negative things.
I think we add negative thoughts because as a child, we were taught - always expect the worst.
Northern European guilt complex - and I think it must be genetic...
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Les Etoiles
Ahh, NYC. The place I want to be...
I have fallen in love with that city!!!
I was just fooling around in photoshop and came up with this. I thought it was fun - so I share it with you - my readers. Enjoy ;-)
I have fallen in love with that city!!!
I was just fooling around in photoshop and came up with this. I thought it was fun - so I share it with you - my readers. Enjoy ;-)
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
If you don't like it, don't read it!
And to the anonymous poster who said:
Maybe you could take your ass to the show and see for yourself what might be the clue of a depilatory mode. Or maybe using a good TV show title as a personal blog is the sign of a lack of substance and culture!!!
Well, everybody is welcome to their opinion, but if you don't like this blog and find it so objectionable, why read it? Why bother??
Maybe you could take your ass to the show and see for yourself what might be the clue of a depilatory mode. Or maybe using a good TV show title as a personal blog is the sign of a lack of substance and culture!!!
Well, everybody is welcome to their opinion, but if you don't like this blog and find it so objectionable, why read it? Why bother??
Friday, November 18, 2005
And then it became obvious...
So much has happened since my last post that I don't know where to begin!!
And it's almost 3fucken am and I have a doctors appointement 2mrw at 9, so that means up and outa here at 8ish.
I wont even begin to caluclate how many hours of sleep that's not!
So in a nutshell...
Had a big spirtiual discussion with my bro (QUEREBES...lol )- he played BIG in the Sex and La Cite play) on Sunday. We talked about so much and I think our conversation was enlighting for both of us in so many ways. I know he is an old soul and that we have walked this path together before. We both decided that taking the leap into the next step towards what we want (both film junkies and addicts who want to be behind and in front of the camera) and not look back, have no regrets and push through all the roadblocks, landmines and shitty party poopers that will try to hinder our progress.
My other bro - he was the one that played Steve in the play, and I had a big talk last Friday about the same things. Follow those omens that keep on popping up !! they are telling you something, you just have to listen to them!
And he was so right.
Looking back on this past week, there were quite literally times when I asked a quesiton out loud (when nobody else was around) and that same day (sometimes within minutes), I would get an answer. I mean strange thing that would happen - a song that is NEVER played on the raido, a misplaced article symbolic of the quesiton would magically appear - all the time!!
The one that still freaks me out to no end was when I found a card on the steps of Port Authority Buss Terminal on my first day in NYC.
I was just wheeling out my luggage, said bye to my new friend, watched as she hailed a cab and sped off, and as I began to get in line to get my cab, there, on the floor was a playing card face down. I picked it up, turned it over and it was a 2 of hearts. Out of all places, of all thigns to find...??!?!
DId I mention about the song I heard in central park while I was sitting down, contemplating if I would be able to swim with the sharks in the big apple?
Did I mention that this little old man who rode by with a boom box straped to the back of the bike passed right by me as the lyrics of the song went:
if I can make it here, I'll make it anywhere - it's up to you, New York, New York!!!
Did I mention that I almost had a heart attack on the spot? that I almsot choked on my dry and stale NY salty pretzel?!
Now how wild is that?!?
More conincidences to write about but I must get some sleep first, because if I don't, a MAC truck could sideswipe me with a huge sign wiht an invitation to work and live in NYC, signed by president Bush, and I still would'nt notice it...
(shitty blogger spell checker!)
OH YEA!!
I turned down the play...
I felt in my gut it was the right thing to do.
now I wait to see what else will pop up in its place!
And it's almost 3fucken am and I have a doctors appointement 2mrw at 9, so that means up and outa here at 8ish.
I wont even begin to caluclate how many hours of sleep that's not!
So in a nutshell...
Had a big spirtiual discussion with my bro (QUEREBES...lol )- he played BIG in the Sex and La Cite play) on Sunday. We talked about so much and I think our conversation was enlighting for both of us in so many ways. I know he is an old soul and that we have walked this path together before. We both decided that taking the leap into the next step towards what we want (both film junkies and addicts who want to be behind and in front of the camera) and not look back, have no regrets and push through all the roadblocks, landmines and shitty party poopers that will try to hinder our progress.
My other bro - he was the one that played Steve in the play, and I had a big talk last Friday about the same things. Follow those omens that keep on popping up !! they are telling you something, you just have to listen to them!
And he was so right.
Looking back on this past week, there were quite literally times when I asked a quesiton out loud (when nobody else was around) and that same day (sometimes within minutes), I would get an answer. I mean strange thing that would happen - a song that is NEVER played on the raido, a misplaced article symbolic of the quesiton would magically appear - all the time!!
The one that still freaks me out to no end was when I found a card on the steps of Port Authority Buss Terminal on my first day in NYC.
I was just wheeling out my luggage, said bye to my new friend, watched as she hailed a cab and sped off, and as I began to get in line to get my cab, there, on the floor was a playing card face down. I picked it up, turned it over and it was a 2 of hearts. Out of all places, of all thigns to find...??!?!
DId I mention about the song I heard in central park while I was sitting down, contemplating if I would be able to swim with the sharks in the big apple?
Did I mention that this little old man who rode by with a boom box straped to the back of the bike passed right by me as the lyrics of the song went:
if I can make it here, I'll make it anywhere - it's up to you, New York, New York!!!
Did I mention that I almost had a heart attack on the spot? that I almsot choked on my dry and stale NY salty pretzel?!
Now how wild is that?!?
More conincidences to write about but I must get some sleep first, because if I don't, a MAC truck could sideswipe me with a huge sign wiht an invitation to work and live in NYC, signed by president Bush, and I still would'nt notice it...
(shitty blogger spell checker!)
OH YEA!!
I turned down the play...
I felt in my gut it was the right thing to do.
now I wait to see what else will pop up in its place!
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Are we up for a sequel to the spoof of an original?
Well, I am confronted with a little bit of a dilemma.
The producer and director of Sex and La Cité have approached me and asked me if I wanted to do part 2.
Now I have my reservations about this.
How strange that I wrote in the beginning of the Carrie sequence "can a sequel ever be as good as the original?"
a) we had a great first run - 14 sold out shows out of 14, in the last festival we were in, we were the top grossing act in the whole thing, but a knock-off is a knock off and we got away with it once, can we get away with it again?
b) recycling - I am all for it, but stage characters are not like plastic and don't do well a second time around, unless you are like Neil Simon or something, taking a spoof and spoofing it to the second degree is not always the best thing to do.
c) my gut is telling me to bail out before all hell breaks lose and I am in above my head with this.
I mean, the ideas are funny - carrie gets married to Big in an insane wedding, Miranda finds out that Stevee is a cross-dresser and likes it, Samatha and Smith become more -Quebecois (down home country type of folk) andCharlottee and her hubby are off doing some thing or other neurotic. The ideas are good, I admit, but at the same time, I FEEL that the only people who will come to see this show are people who know about sex and the city, and came to see our play the first time around.
d) not all the original cast members will be there. We are missing Steve (who was BRILLIANT but is now in NYC training for a real acting career) and one of the Drag Queens/Gino. He was priceless and I now that without him and Steve there, there will be a gap in the energy, which will advessley effect how the cast comes together. Sure, we can pull it off, but the magic will be gone.
I am at the point in my life where I want to take my photography to the next level. I have done another corporate video (for the Montreal tourist Bureau) and am getting alot of jobs lined up for casting photos. I have the chance to carve a niche market for myself, and know that this could be a nice calling card. And as fate would have it, I have met two very influentiall people in the movie biz over the weekend which might just open some previously closed huge steel doors.
e) I am not getting paid, well not right away...
It seems that there is not enough money in the coffers to pay me up front, so if the play makes money, I get a little slice. And I mean little.
It would be different if the play were a flop, I mean an abysmal stinker, but it wasn't!! It was a kick ass success beyond our wildest dreams! And to live up to that? To make something even better? Now that's a tough job. To make a sequel to a spoof of a tv series? Those are really gargantuan shoes to fill with Lilliputiann slippers.
f) my gut is screaming - RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!
Do I want to take the chance of tarnishing my name (which is now attached with "the writer of the smash play that took Montreal by storm.." ) with a sequel that is only lukewarm? As one of my best buddies said : You're only as good as your last film. And he is so right.
One botch up and everything you did previous doesn't exist in the critic's eyes.
Do I want to take that chance?
g) I will be sharing the writing credit with Charlotte.
I don't mind actually, she is great to collaborate with, but we only did so on one level. I wrote the back bone of the whole play. I had a complete vision and therefore was able to sit at my computer for 18 hour days and pound out that story. Yes, her and Samantha helped, but they came in, gave their ideas and then when home, whereas I was left to mix it all in and make sure that it all worked out swimmingly. I am so weary about the plan that would entail one woman write one scene, the other the next, then we'd meet in the middle and try to hash it all out. I have collaborated before, but not this way, and not in the time frame they are looking at.
We want to have the first rough draft before xmas..
And they told me this on Monday this past week!!!
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!??!?!?!?!?
Well, it's not like you are writing the whole thing, I am taking on half of the burden...
EVEN MORE REASON TO PANIC!!
Trying to hammer out one scene is something, two people with two different visions/styles trying to bring it all together? And to top that all off, I am only 1/3rd of the equation. I am almost automatically veto-ed out! Two women who have a stake in the company (both invested their $$) against me - the little old writer...??
And one of them is coasting comfortably on the money she made from the sale of her house, and the other is working full time. And me? Trying to start out my freelance life.
h) I am already pigeon holed as the Greek mother - again!!
And that is a bit part, but that would mean 5 months of rehearsals because I would have to be there for all the blocking , script changes etc. I did it last year because it was a labor of love, but this year??...
I am seriously on the fence about this one.
And I think now is the time I should speak up or forever be in a shithole and up a creek without a paddle -causee once you're in, you're in.
Ahh.
Now what!??
The producer and director of Sex and La Cité have approached me and asked me if I wanted to do part 2.
Now I have my reservations about this.
How strange that I wrote in the beginning of the Carrie sequence "can a sequel ever be as good as the original?"
a) we had a great first run - 14 sold out shows out of 14, in the last festival we were in, we were the top grossing act in the whole thing, but a knock-off is a knock off and we got away with it once, can we get away with it again?
b) recycling - I am all for it, but stage characters are not like plastic and don't do well a second time around, unless you are like Neil Simon or something, taking a spoof and spoofing it to the second degree is not always the best thing to do.
c) my gut is telling me to bail out before all hell breaks lose and I am in above my head with this.
I mean, the ideas are funny - carrie gets married to Big in an insane wedding, Miranda finds out that Stevee is a cross-dresser and likes it, Samatha and Smith become more -Quebecois (down home country type of folk) andCharlottee and her hubby are off doing some thing or other neurotic. The ideas are good, I admit, but at the same time, I FEEL that the only people who will come to see this show are people who know about sex and the city, and came to see our play the first time around.
d) not all the original cast members will be there. We are missing Steve (who was BRILLIANT but is now in NYC training for a real acting career) and one of the Drag Queens/Gino. He was priceless and I now that without him and Steve there, there will be a gap in the energy, which will advessley effect how the cast comes together. Sure, we can pull it off, but the magic will be gone.
I am at the point in my life where I want to take my photography to the next level. I have done another corporate video (for the Montreal tourist Bureau) and am getting alot of jobs lined up for casting photos. I have the chance to carve a niche market for myself, and know that this could be a nice calling card. And as fate would have it, I have met two very influentiall people in the movie biz over the weekend which might just open some previously closed huge steel doors.
e) I am not getting paid, well not right away...
It seems that there is not enough money in the coffers to pay me up front, so if the play makes money, I get a little slice. And I mean little.
It would be different if the play were a flop, I mean an abysmal stinker, but it wasn't!! It was a kick ass success beyond our wildest dreams! And to live up to that? To make something even better? Now that's a tough job. To make a sequel to a spoof of a tv series? Those are really gargantuan shoes to fill with Lilliputiann slippers.
f) my gut is screaming - RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!
Do I want to take the chance of tarnishing my name (which is now attached with "the writer of the smash play that took Montreal by storm.." ) with a sequel that is only lukewarm? As one of my best buddies said : You're only as good as your last film. And he is so right.
One botch up and everything you did previous doesn't exist in the critic's eyes.
Do I want to take that chance?
g) I will be sharing the writing credit with Charlotte.
I don't mind actually, she is great to collaborate with, but we only did so on one level. I wrote the back bone of the whole play. I had a complete vision and therefore was able to sit at my computer for 18 hour days and pound out that story. Yes, her and Samantha helped, but they came in, gave their ideas and then when home, whereas I was left to mix it all in and make sure that it all worked out swimmingly. I am so weary about the plan that would entail one woman write one scene, the other the next, then we'd meet in the middle and try to hash it all out. I have collaborated before, but not this way, and not in the time frame they are looking at.
We want to have the first rough draft before xmas..
And they told me this on Monday this past week!!!
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!??!?!?!?!?
Well, it's not like you are writing the whole thing, I am taking on half of the burden...
EVEN MORE REASON TO PANIC!!
Trying to hammer out one scene is something, two people with two different visions/styles trying to bring it all together? And to top that all off, I am only 1/3rd of the equation. I am almost automatically veto-ed out! Two women who have a stake in the company (both invested their $$) against me - the little old writer...??
And one of them is coasting comfortably on the money she made from the sale of her house, and the other is working full time. And me? Trying to start out my freelance life.
h) I am already pigeon holed as the Greek mother - again!!
And that is a bit part, but that would mean 5 months of rehearsals because I would have to be there for all the blocking , script changes etc. I did it last year because it was a labor of love, but this year??...
I am seriously on the fence about this one.
And I think now is the time I should speak up or forever be in a shithole and up a creek without a paddle -causee once you're in, you're in.
Ahh.
Now what!??
Is It Art?
Is it Art?
I don't know but it never ceases to amaze me how some people who call themselves "Artists" manage to get away with this crap!! And the place where this is being exhibited is no shabby location either!! For people like me, it's out of MY LEAGUE, so how this guy got his shit in, I have no clue and am even more convinced that there is no justice in the world and we are all taking the express train to hell where Tammy Faye Baker and John Tesh are the new Rock and Roll gods...
(and yes -my NEW YORK CITY STORIES ARE COMING SOON!!!!!!!)
HOW’S YOUR PUBES?
Waxing, shaving and plucking one’s pubic hair is the new branding... or so posits Éric Ladouceur. The local artist cynically figures that today’s young people express their identity through pubic grooming in that same way they do by sporting, say, a Nike or Puma logo on the outside of their trousers. With this in mind, Ladouceur drew a handful of clothes company logos that use animal shapes, glued pubic hair to them and termed his installation, Le règne animal. It’s at la Maison de la culture Frontenac (2550 Ontario E.) until Dec. 4.
I mean, c'mon, can somebody please give this guy a penny so he can buy a clue and get a normal hobby?!?!
I don't know but it never ceases to amaze me how some people who call themselves "Artists" manage to get away with this crap!! And the place where this is being exhibited is no shabby location either!! For people like me, it's out of MY LEAGUE, so how this guy got his shit in, I have no clue and am even more convinced that there is no justice in the world and we are all taking the express train to hell where Tammy Faye Baker and John Tesh are the new Rock and Roll gods...
(and yes -my NEW YORK CITY STORIES ARE COMING SOON!!!!!!!)
HOW’S YOUR PUBES?
Waxing, shaving and plucking one’s pubic hair is the new branding... or so posits Éric Ladouceur. The local artist cynically figures that today’s young people express their identity through pubic grooming in that same way they do by sporting, say, a Nike or Puma logo on the outside of their trousers. With this in mind, Ladouceur drew a handful of clothes company logos that use animal shapes, glued pubic hair to them and termed his installation, Le règne animal. It’s at la Maison de la culture Frontenac (2550 Ontario E.) until Dec. 4.
I mean, c'mon, can somebody please give this guy a penny so he can buy a clue and get a normal hobby?!?!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
one way is no way
What to do!?
I got asked to do a sequel to my play "Sex and La Cite". I am on the fence about this one. I don't really know how I feel about it.
This is what my horiscope said yesterday - the day I had my meeting with Charlotte and Samantha...
Very creepy indeed...
Wednesday, 9th November 2005
Aries:
It's not that you can't see the wood for the trees. It's more that there are so many trees, that all look so similar. It's hard to be sure whether you are barking up the right tree or being distracted by other events in the forest. There's one thing that really matters now, everything else is a detail. You know this - and you are right. Others, though, have their own trunks, leaves and branches to attend to. And, understandably enough, their energy is being drawn in this direction. Respect their priorities, but honour yours too.
I got asked to do a sequel to my play "Sex and La Cite". I am on the fence about this one. I don't really know how I feel about it.
This is what my horiscope said yesterday - the day I had my meeting with Charlotte and Samantha...
Very creepy indeed...
Wednesday, 9th November 2005
Aries:
It's not that you can't see the wood for the trees. It's more that there are so many trees, that all look so similar. It's hard to be sure whether you are barking up the right tree or being distracted by other events in the forest. There's one thing that really matters now, everything else is a detail. You know this - and you are right. Others, though, have their own trunks, leaves and branches to attend to. And, understandably enough, their energy is being drawn in this direction. Respect their priorities, but honour yours too.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
I am the light, I am the bridge - artist statement by Paige Bradley
I am the light, I am the bridge - artist statement by Paige Bradley
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty.
This was just too beautiful not to share!
Bradley’s waterfront luminary is called “Project: EXPANSION”. It is cast in bronze with over 1000 watts of light exploding through cracks in the sculpture.
***
From the moment we are born, the world tends to have a container already built for us to fit inside: A social security number, a gender, a race, a profession, an I.Q. Bradley’s work makes us ponder if we are more defined by the container we are in, than what we are inside. Would we recognize ourselves if we could expand beyond our bodies?
To be authentically ‘un-contained’ would we still be able to exist? Bradley’s figure has expanded beyond human flesh and nothing but brilliance exudes from the cracks. The work makes us think we could be looking directly at the figure’s soul.
The work leaves us with a dichotomy from the utter fragmented human shape. Has this figure fallen apart and needs piecing back together? Or is it just expanding beyond human limitations? When devastation becomes deliverance, then ashes from the past can become the foundations of the future.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Catch up catsup
GOD! I must put down all those crazy stories and coincidences that I had in NYC down before my brain melts!!
But this was just beyond funny, I had to post it. Sometimes those spontaneous memories are the best!!
This was from a post on flickr in a group that I was part of. I think it's called apocalyptic or Hell. Either one is appropriate...
Rot's Jello Biafra Story...(Missy, he was a loud mouthed politically astute punk rocker and lead singer of the Dead Kennedy's ,(Who I first thought were a Vancouver band, they played a show in Vancouver on Nov 22, 1979, which I didn't see as I was unhip in a punk sense then...) who later made politically incendiary spoken word recordings and appearances as well as music collaborations. He was charged with obscenity for including an HR Geiger poster in a Dead Kennedy's album and had to go through a fairly draining and expensive struggle to defend his free speech and creative freedom and keep his ass out of jail. He's a very articulate fellow with anti-aurthoritarian instincts, a long memory and a finely honed bullshit detector. I personally would rather hear him talk than sing....)
Around 88-89 he was making trips up to Vancouver (he's from the Bay Area I believe) to do spoken word shows and work with some of the punk bands here like DOA or NoMeansNo. My roomate at the time had his first spoken word album (the one that had "Why I'm Glad the Space Shuttle Blew Up" on it) and Jello did a talk at a small cinema on East Hastings which I attended. It was right at the time of the buildup to the first Iraq War and he was doing the "No Blood For Oil" spoken word pieces. It was preaching to the converted pretty much though, but it made a few participants wanna join the revolution right away...
Shortly after this I was at the Commodore Ballroom watching an old Vancouver punk band 'the Enigmas' do a rare reunion show and I turned around and there was Jello Biafra standing a few feet away.So I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi and that I admired his activist work and thanks etc. Well he was polite and all but it scared the shit out of him, to be recognized by a total stranger etc, after his 'persecution' for obscenity...
A friend of ours was doing volunteer work for Co-op Radio in those days and she had interviewed him for broadcast. When I told her of bumping into him she concurred and said that when she had met him; he'd always sit back to the wall facing the door. He was a little paranoid after his experiences with the authorities......
but remember it's only paranoia when they're not all out to carve your ass...
And my 'dear Diary' reply to that:
Dear Diary,
scrolled back to Rotcoddam post about the Dead Kennedys and remembers when I saw them in concert back in 1984 at a converted roller skating rink. I also remember my skinhead friend named Dave who was as big as a house but sweeter than a candy apple, and his friend Glenn, who let me touch his "DOA" mowhawk and when asked how he keeps it so stiff, he replied; "well, molasses works okay, eggwhites are the best, mix that with some Gel and it'll stay up for days."
These images also spawn another memory of me- 16 1/2 with my mother in Cape Cod, in some teeny tiny beachside town, walking into a music store and buying a DK Greatest Plastic Surgery Disasters/in God We Trust cd. The the look on some poor woman's face when she saw me chewing through the plastic to get to the goodies and asked: It seems like you really want to look at that cd! Who is it?And my reply, not realizing that we were not too far from the family motherhouse: "Oh! it's the Dead Kennedys! They are so great!"I thought she was going to have a heart attack. It was only after I got into the car and 20 minutes later I gasped with dread and laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.
Over and out
(the terminal Preppie - HPK)
But this was just beyond funny, I had to post it. Sometimes those spontaneous memories are the best!!
This was from a post on flickr in a group that I was part of. I think it's called apocalyptic or Hell. Either one is appropriate...
Rot's Jello Biafra Story...(Missy, he was a loud mouthed politically astute punk rocker and lead singer of the Dead Kennedy's ,(Who I first thought were a Vancouver band, they played a show in Vancouver on Nov 22, 1979, which I didn't see as I was unhip in a punk sense then...) who later made politically incendiary spoken word recordings and appearances as well as music collaborations. He was charged with obscenity for including an HR Geiger poster in a Dead Kennedy's album and had to go through a fairly draining and expensive struggle to defend his free speech and creative freedom and keep his ass out of jail. He's a very articulate fellow with anti-aurthoritarian instincts, a long memory and a finely honed bullshit detector. I personally would rather hear him talk than sing....)
Around 88-89 he was making trips up to Vancouver (he's from the Bay Area I believe) to do spoken word shows and work with some of the punk bands here like DOA or NoMeansNo. My roomate at the time had his first spoken word album (the one that had "Why I'm Glad the Space Shuttle Blew Up" on it) and Jello did a talk at a small cinema on East Hastings which I attended. It was right at the time of the buildup to the first Iraq War and he was doing the "No Blood For Oil" spoken word pieces. It was preaching to the converted pretty much though, but it made a few participants wanna join the revolution right away...
Shortly after this I was at the Commodore Ballroom watching an old Vancouver punk band 'the Enigmas' do a rare reunion show and I turned around and there was Jello Biafra standing a few feet away.So I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi and that I admired his activist work and thanks etc. Well he was polite and all but it scared the shit out of him, to be recognized by a total stranger etc, after his 'persecution' for obscenity...
A friend of ours was doing volunteer work for Co-op Radio in those days and she had interviewed him for broadcast. When I told her of bumping into him she concurred and said that when she had met him; he'd always sit back to the wall facing the door. He was a little paranoid after his experiences with the authorities......
but remember it's only paranoia when they're not all out to carve your ass...
And my 'dear Diary' reply to that:
Dear Diary,
scrolled back to Rotcoddam post about the Dead Kennedys and remembers when I saw them in concert back in 1984 at a converted roller skating rink. I also remember my skinhead friend named Dave who was as big as a house but sweeter than a candy apple, and his friend Glenn, who let me touch his "DOA" mowhawk and when asked how he keeps it so stiff, he replied; "well, molasses works okay, eggwhites are the best, mix that with some Gel and it'll stay up for days."
These images also spawn another memory of me- 16 1/2 with my mother in Cape Cod, in some teeny tiny beachside town, walking into a music store and buying a DK Greatest Plastic Surgery Disasters/in God We Trust cd. The the look on some poor woman's face when she saw me chewing through the plastic to get to the goodies and asked: It seems like you really want to look at that cd! Who is it?And my reply, not realizing that we were not too far from the family motherhouse: "Oh! it's the Dead Kennedys! They are so great!"I thought she was going to have a heart attack. It was only after I got into the car and 20 minutes later I gasped with dread and laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants.
Over and out
(the terminal Preppie - HPK)
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Day 3 - Me in so many ways...
I'm skipping a bit ahead in my photo joural, but this is an important part of the puzzle, the key to this whole story, so I thought I should post this and how that day became an important turning point in my trip.
****
So there I was, in a new city that I had waited years to visit, my maiden voyage to this new land, on a mission of self-discovery, to meet new people and to plant the seeds for what I still hope will be part of my future.
Walking to the base of the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw this sculpture, and that's when it all fell into place...
ErosLefar said it best : "It's only when we are souls and body is broken does the real 'us' shine through."
I almost wept when he said this because there was so much truth to it, so much of that truth was mine.
And there I was, on the other side of a Bridge, a new place, with new ideas and friends, and bold new adventures waiting for me. My old shell of the old me had begun to crack, and inside shone a bright light - a new and strong beacon, an energy that I had long considered to be completly extinguished was radiating again. That's when my trip turned into a personal journey and mission - to find and bring out the HPK that has been hidden for so long.
I stood there, completly mesmerized, trying to comprehend the unbeleivable sequence of events that had lead me there, and just how much I was she - this lone woman, finding inner peace on her own little island, amidst the bright lights of the big city - being reborn.
It was only later on that night when I realized the kind of photos I had captured - the meaning behind the framing, juxtaposition, the angles I chose spoke more about me, where I was and where I wanted to go than I realized.
Dusk, and ending of a day, the light inside, begining of a new one.
The sun is always there, the light and darkness just come in cycles.
the sun is always there...
****
So there I was, in a new city that I had waited years to visit, my maiden voyage to this new land, on a mission of self-discovery, to meet new people and to plant the seeds for what I still hope will be part of my future.
Walking to the base of the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw this sculpture, and that's when it all fell into place...
ErosLefar said it best : "It's only when we are souls and body is broken does the real 'us' shine through."
I almost wept when he said this because there was so much truth to it, so much of that truth was mine.
And there I was, on the other side of a Bridge, a new place, with new ideas and friends, and bold new adventures waiting for me. My old shell of the old me had begun to crack, and inside shone a bright light - a new and strong beacon, an energy that I had long considered to be completly extinguished was radiating again. That's when my trip turned into a personal journey and mission - to find and bring out the HPK that has been hidden for so long.
I stood there, completly mesmerized, trying to comprehend the unbeleivable sequence of events that had lead me there, and just how much I was she - this lone woman, finding inner peace on her own little island, amidst the bright lights of the big city - being reborn.
It was only later on that night when I realized the kind of photos I had captured - the meaning behind the framing, juxtaposition, the angles I chose spoke more about me, where I was and where I wanted to go than I realized.
Dusk, and ending of a day, the light inside, begining of a new one.
The sun is always there, the light and darkness just come in cycles.
the sun is always there...
Saturday, October 29, 2005
R&R
Still need some rest.
GAWD ! I am so tired.
See some of my stuff here
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/hellophotokitty
Have so many stories to tell it's not even funny!!
Will start soon though - gotta keep the memories fresh!!
GAWD ! I am so tired.
See some of my stuff here
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/hellophotokitty
Have so many stories to tell it's not even funny!!
Will start soon though - gotta keep the memories fresh!!
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
It's Christmas time!!!
This guy kills me - every time!Coming back from NYC - still on a high but exhausted!!!
I just thought this was too funny in the light of my trip - lol!!
Wednesday, 26th October 2005
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
It isn't Christmas yet. If you go to the shops, though, you could be forgiven for thinking that it must be due any day now. All the trimmings are up for sale. Be inspired by this. Christmas doesn't come every day, but it does come eventually and, when it does, it is (usually) worth waiting for. Other times of opportunity also come and go. Right now, you have a rare chance to do something that isn't normally possible. Don't assume that, just because the time hasn't been right in the past, it isn't right now.
Hmm, is the world really my oyster?!!
Me and Victor by the maestro - Delares!
OMG!
I had the most AMAZING time of my life in NYC!! So many stories to tell, so many strange and beauitful coincidences that made so much sense, and oh! The wonderful friends I had made!! One of the most memorable 10 days of my life so far!!!
I had the most AMAZING time of my life in NYC!! So many stories to tell, so many strange and beauitful coincidences that made so much sense, and oh! The wonderful friends I had made!! One of the most memorable 10 days of my life so far!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
OMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
NYC here I come!!
This time tomorrow , I will be on a buss, past Albany on my way to the big apple!
I am so pumped!
it's 3:15am and I must go to SLEEP!!!
I will try to write as much as I can, but internet will be expensive down there!!!
oxoxoxoo
:-D
This time tomorrow , I will be on a buss, past Albany on my way to the big apple!
I am so pumped!
it's 3:15am and I must go to SLEEP!!!
I will try to write as much as I can, but internet will be expensive down there!!!
oxoxoxoo
:-D
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Man's search for meaning in the stretchy fabric of time...
If we crave some cosmic purpose, then let us find ourselves a worthy goal"
-- Dr. Carl Sagan
I once read a book by Victor Frankl called Man's Search for Meaning - the really 'cliff notes for dummies' version of it goes something like this:
a man gets stuck in a concentration camp, he sees family and friends kidnapped and killed for no reason. Death is as constant as the sun's rays. While looking at this as a hopeless situation, he realizes that every man has the capacity in him to be able to adapt to any situation and survive, have a will to live by just thinking and believing these thoughts, through which a whole new existence emerges. Quoting Frankl who quotes Nietzsche - 'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.'
I have been looking forward to this journey to NYC for a long time. Many years in fact. I am both nervous and excited. I also know that this trip will be a leap of faith in many ways - and I will be asked to take a leap as well. I can feel it in my bones.
I returned to one of my favorite books by Andrei Tarkovsky - Sculpting in Time. I happened to stumble upon this site through a link from Tarkovsky's links page. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is the greatest modern Russian director of all time. When I first saw his film the Mirror, it changed my life. Cinema was no longer images of people talking and walking through a formulaic plot, Tarkovsky's cinema was art in its purest form. I can go on for pages, gushing about how I love his films, how he has influenced me in my films, photos and writing, but I will just give you a link and discover about him yourselves; you wont be sorry you did.
Tarkovsky was a firm believer that creativity - the true essence of the word, was something that is inherent in all of us, but some are just more receptive to this gift, and some know how to use it, but must learn to use it well.
Now perhaps it might seem that I am being really presumptuous to say this, but ever since I was a kid, I felt something stirring inside of me - a sense of purpose. It was not until I went to college did I realize that I was skilled in telling stories both through the written word and images. I once joked to a friend and said: you know, I think I am here on this earth for a reason. I feel like I have some sort of great purpose that is driving me, but I am not sure how to go about it. I feel full with this sense of wonder and magnificence. Maybe I am destined to be great, but it is a selfless greatness. She smiled and said I know you are, it shows...
I am wondering if she saw, back then, that I would now be heading on the path that I want to take, building the road to be able to travel on where I can spread my vision to others. There is nothing I would want more than to be able to just make movies - not your ordinary Hollywood fare, no Titanics, no Aliens, but movies that move, touch and haunt you long after the credits disappear. That is how I felt after I read Sculpting in Time.
aeons ago, I received another book from my bfriend as a gift. It was being mailed from Italy and was to be delayed indefinitely. But low and behold, it showed up the same day - my birthday. I was so moved by this beautiful sentiment - Luce Istantanea (Spontaneous Illumination) - a book of polaroids and poems by Tarkovsky in Italian (back when I was able to speak it) I ripped open the packaging, opened the first page, and there was a coincidence that completely moved me to tears. The book was an ode to a friend - a fond farewell. Inside - a dedication:
The winged figure of an angel comes to rest, luminous in the surrounding darkness, like a visible presence of heaven on earth: a presence hidden by a veil, a presence that cannot be described except by the gestured showing another invisible presence to our watching gaze. On the set of the film Mirror, Andrei Tarkovsky put himself in a shot lying in a hospital bed, holding a tiny bird in his right hand. And this is what happened to him at the end of his life: in his sickroom in Paris, the room where he died, a little bird would fly every morning through the open window and come to light on him.
That book came in the mail on April 4th - my 30th birthday.
Andrei Tarkovsky was born on April 4, 1932.
I was born April 4,th 1968.
It was during the last year of his life when he managed to finish the book Sculpting in Time.
He died in exile in Paris on December 29, 1986.
It was that a few days before New Year's eve - 1986 that I remember nights of extreme panic, suffocating fear, hopeless desperation and catastrophic impending doom. And during those few days before January 1st,1987 , I went to my first of so many visits to the hospital, so many nights and days lost in a world of catatonic confusion before I was diagnosed as manic-depressive.
Well, you may have read in this blog and come to know me as someone who is a big lover of synchronous moments. In my defense I say this:
We are all made of molecules and atoms which are sensitive to vibrations because energy is in constant motion. There is a gravitational pull on this planet which keeps the earth from whirling out into space.
There is order.
We are alive.
But sometimes, somewhere, there is a star that dies - implode in on itself and disappears; and sometimes there is another star in the process of being born. Perhaps, just maybe, on a subatomic level, we can feel that distant explosion, and that gravitational push or pull might just tug ever so slightly at the fabric of time so synchronous moments can occur. I know it's a quasi romantic Carl Sagan* - esque type of theory, but there are some things in the universe that just can't be explained, that baffle even the most intelligent physicists in the world, some thing just happen - we watch and marvel at the wonder of it all.
Having written my first cryptic word at the age of 2, I would find out only 33 years later that this word - "okhtohie' meant 'purpose' in Japanese. Having veered off in several different directions throughout my life, I believe that my existence here is for a 'purpose' - to write and share my outrageous yet true stories with the masses (along with adding some biting commentary for comic relief, and pretty visuals for cerebral stimulation). I am am imagination specialist and do other Joe jobs to make a living and hopefully have enough money one day to actually do what I really love for the rest of my silly Sienfeldesque life.
Funny thing, time - when I come back from New York city, this blog will be just shy of 5 days of the date one year ago when I started it.
*(cue the funky space music and put Carl in front of a screen of lots of stars, some universe CGI..)
"And there have been a beellionz stars that have come through her path - stars in various states of birth and death, and with each came a discovery - a begining to some, and end to others, and oh how brightly the heavens have shone. Well, time is a stretchy lycra-like fabric onto itself, and once stretched to its limit, it has a built in memory, and returns to its perfect state. And so this next 365 days will be filled with beellionz and beellionz of more stars and planets. Oh what a delightful celestial show we have to look forward to, it's a terrifically exciting thing..."
"The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion or in politics, but it is not the path to knowledge, and there's no place for it in the endeavor of science. We do not know beforehand where fundamental insights will arise from about our mysterious and lovely solar system. The history of our study of our solar system shows us clearly that accepted and conventional ideas are often wrong, and that fundamental insights can arise from the most unexpected sources."
-- Carl Sagan.
-- Dr. Carl Sagan
I once read a book by Victor Frankl called Man's Search for Meaning - the really 'cliff notes for dummies' version of it goes something like this:
a man gets stuck in a concentration camp, he sees family and friends kidnapped and killed for no reason. Death is as constant as the sun's rays. While looking at this as a hopeless situation, he realizes that every man has the capacity in him to be able to adapt to any situation and survive, have a will to live by just thinking and believing these thoughts, through which a whole new existence emerges. Quoting Frankl who quotes Nietzsche - 'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.'
I have been looking forward to this journey to NYC for a long time. Many years in fact. I am both nervous and excited. I also know that this trip will be a leap of faith in many ways - and I will be asked to take a leap as well. I can feel it in my bones.
I returned to one of my favorite books by Andrei Tarkovsky - Sculpting in Time. I happened to stumble upon this site through a link from Tarkovsky's links page. For those of you who don't know who he is, he is the greatest modern Russian director of all time. When I first saw his film the Mirror, it changed my life. Cinema was no longer images of people talking and walking through a formulaic plot, Tarkovsky's cinema was art in its purest form. I can go on for pages, gushing about how I love his films, how he has influenced me in my films, photos and writing, but I will just give you a link and discover about him yourselves; you wont be sorry you did.
Tarkovsky was a firm believer that creativity - the true essence of the word, was something that is inherent in all of us, but some are just more receptive to this gift, and some know how to use it, but must learn to use it well.
Now perhaps it might seem that I am being really presumptuous to say this, but ever since I was a kid, I felt something stirring inside of me - a sense of purpose. It was not until I went to college did I realize that I was skilled in telling stories both through the written word and images. I once joked to a friend and said: you know, I think I am here on this earth for a reason. I feel like I have some sort of great purpose that is driving me, but I am not sure how to go about it. I feel full with this sense of wonder and magnificence. Maybe I am destined to be great, but it is a selfless greatness. She smiled and said I know you are, it shows...
I am wondering if she saw, back then, that I would now be heading on the path that I want to take, building the road to be able to travel on where I can spread my vision to others. There is nothing I would want more than to be able to just make movies - not your ordinary Hollywood fare, no Titanics, no Aliens, but movies that move, touch and haunt you long after the credits disappear. That is how I felt after I read Sculpting in Time.
aeons ago, I received another book from my bfriend as a gift. It was being mailed from Italy and was to be delayed indefinitely. But low and behold, it showed up the same day - my birthday. I was so moved by this beautiful sentiment - Luce Istantanea (Spontaneous Illumination) - a book of polaroids and poems by Tarkovsky in Italian (back when I was able to speak it) I ripped open the packaging, opened the first page, and there was a coincidence that completely moved me to tears. The book was an ode to a friend - a fond farewell. Inside - a dedication:
The winged figure of an angel comes to rest, luminous in the surrounding darkness, like a visible presence of heaven on earth: a presence hidden by a veil, a presence that cannot be described except by the gestured showing another invisible presence to our watching gaze. On the set of the film Mirror, Andrei Tarkovsky put himself in a shot lying in a hospital bed, holding a tiny bird in his right hand. And this is what happened to him at the end of his life: in his sickroom in Paris, the room where he died, a little bird would fly every morning through the open window and come to light on him.
That book came in the mail on April 4th - my 30th birthday.
Andrei Tarkovsky was born on April 4, 1932.
I was born April 4,th 1968.
It was during the last year of his life when he managed to finish the book Sculpting in Time.
He died in exile in Paris on December 29, 1986.
It was that a few days before New Year's eve - 1986 that I remember nights of extreme panic, suffocating fear, hopeless desperation and catastrophic impending doom. And during those few days before January 1st,1987 , I went to my first of so many visits to the hospital, so many nights and days lost in a world of catatonic confusion before I was diagnosed as manic-depressive.
Well, you may have read in this blog and come to know me as someone who is a big lover of synchronous moments. In my defense I say this:
We are all made of molecules and atoms which are sensitive to vibrations because energy is in constant motion. There is a gravitational pull on this planet which keeps the earth from whirling out into space.
There is order.
We are alive.
But sometimes, somewhere, there is a star that dies - implode in on itself and disappears; and sometimes there is another star in the process of being born. Perhaps, just maybe, on a subatomic level, we can feel that distant explosion, and that gravitational push or pull might just tug ever so slightly at the fabric of time so synchronous moments can occur. I know it's a quasi romantic Carl Sagan* - esque type of theory, but there are some things in the universe that just can't be explained, that baffle even the most intelligent physicists in the world, some thing just happen - we watch and marvel at the wonder of it all.
Having written my first cryptic word at the age of 2, I would find out only 33 years later that this word - "okhtohie' meant 'purpose' in Japanese. Having veered off in several different directions throughout my life, I believe that my existence here is for a 'purpose' - to write and share my outrageous yet true stories with the masses (along with adding some biting commentary for comic relief, and pretty visuals for cerebral stimulation). I am am imagination specialist and do other Joe jobs to make a living and hopefully have enough money one day to actually do what I really love for the rest of my silly Sienfeldesque life.
Funny thing, time - when I come back from New York city, this blog will be just shy of 5 days of the date one year ago when I started it.
*(cue the funky space music and put Carl in front of a screen of lots of stars, some universe CGI..)
"And there have been a beellionz stars that have come through her path - stars in various states of birth and death, and with each came a discovery - a begining to some, and end to others, and oh how brightly the heavens have shone. Well, time is a stretchy lycra-like fabric onto itself, and once stretched to its limit, it has a built in memory, and returns to its perfect state. And so this next 365 days will be filled with beellionz and beellionz of more stars and planets. Oh what a delightful celestial show we have to look forward to, it's a terrifically exciting thing..."
"The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion or in politics, but it is not the path to knowledge, and there's no place for it in the endeavor of science. We do not know beforehand where fundamental insights will arise from about our mysterious and lovely solar system. The history of our study of our solar system shows us clearly that accepted and conventional ideas are often wrong, and that fundamental insights can arise from the most unexpected sources."
-- Carl Sagan.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Today's post is brought to you buy the letter A
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I lean on the letter A on the keyboard, I make the same sound.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and then to punctuate the end, I add a big H!
In less than a week and I am going to NYC
For the very first time in my whole entire life!
I am so pumped, freaked out, overjoyed, elated euphoric, dizzy, excited, bemused, shaken, awe-struck, bewildered, distracted, anxious, beside myself, frantic, thrilled, apprehensive...
A whole Molotov cocktail of emotions that blew up last night.
My camera is in the shop (and to my horror perhaps 'wont be back till Christmas...") which would mean that I would have to run through the streets, naked, to the visual and censorial Mecca of America without my magic eyes. I almost weep. (well, in fact, I did weep) To rent one down there would cost me 350$, so at that price, why not just put that towards a new one?
Well, I was not planning to do that so soon - was waiting for some cash and a few more jobs to come in before taking plunge, but throughout my vigilante comparison shopping hunt, I find out that the Canon 20D with a lens, 2Gig card, a battery, and a spectacular 3 year warranty would cost me less than $2000 Canadian!! I was asked to pay $1500 plus tax for a used one!! (and an added $350 in tax my dears). I was so relieved. Now, I must be able to get to B&H before they close Friday the 14th before 2pm because the rest of the month is Sukkoth (high Jewish holiday) and if I didn't get there in time, that would make me angry. Very angry...
Last night into the morning, bleary eyed and weak, I looked for places to stay. It's crazy how expensive some hotels were, and I wasn't up to staying in a Hostel with 6 other people because I want this trip to be a personal journey of sorts - find my spiritual center, take HPK around a city that never sleeps, and then - take the leap of faith into the seeds of a new life, knowing that somehow the net will appear
because it always does...
I know I will come back with stars in my eyes and feel renewed creativeky, which is what I need right now. (did I mention that my photos were going to be part of a Flickr exposition down there??) I will meet people who will become very influential in my life, who will put me in touch with other people. I have a feeling that some people will see the rawness in my art, admire me for bearing my soul, and take me under their wing. If that does not happen of its own record, I will make damm sure that I will put the wheels into motion so that it does happen!
Speaking of knowing...
My cousin from out west was here about a month ago. She seems happy with her new husband in their wedded domestic financially secure bliss. One day a few months ago (I am thinking it must have been in June/July) I got a sudden flash that my cousin was pregnant. It was the strangest thing - just like that bloop! Into my mind like a water filled balloon. I questioned myself as to where that strange insight came, but after years of things like this happening to me, I don't try anymore. I think that I am gifted with a heightened sense of perception, can perhaps tune into other people's energy wavelengths easier than most, but as I said before, it's not the first time it happened.
I let the thoughts pass - another random mind hic-up, and went about my merry way (probably, stressing - as usual...)
Today, my mom calls me - and before I even got a chance to lift the receiver to my ear she said:Did you hear the big news? Your cousin is pregnant!!
It was an AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Moment. I knew it!! I knew it !!
Perplexed, she asked: oh, she told you already?
She also knows that I have that proclivity for sensing the 'unusual and unseen'.
Turns out that my timing was correct. She said she was two months, but mentioned that she was due in April (LOL! She is going to have her hands full with an Aries child!! LOL). So I am going to be an Auntie. Not that I will see my niece often, but I just throughout it was cool.
now where was I?
Oh yea, knowing and doing...
The last time I took a solo trip was to Cuba in 2003. Now that was a life changer and I am so glad I went solo - spending time by yourself is such a beautiful thing! I have always felt that way - loved living on my own, but traveling was the next big step.
I laughed with a friend of mine the other day
HPK - you are going to LOVE NEW YORK! You will never want to come back!
I think that my head is going to explode the moment I get off the buss.
The visual that accompanied those words was enough to make us snort like two sows in a rainstorm.
I can just see you, with your curly red hair - and then BOOM! All over the place.
I had to admit, it would have been kind of funny, but I think I'll just get off the buss and walk around with my jaw dragging on the floor behind me. I think I will be so stunned, I will be able to carry my luggage inside of my mouth...
So the place looks quaint: The Virginia Guest house.
All I can say is as long as there are no bed bugs, I am a happy camper.
So the thought of sinking $2000 into a camera is making me nervous.
But I will unwind in front of the TV tonight and watch some Law and Order and leave the stress behind for a little while...
As I lean on the letter A on the keyboard, I make the same sound.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and then to punctuate the end, I add a big H!
In less than a week and I am going to NYC
For the very first time in my whole entire life!
I am so pumped, freaked out, overjoyed, elated euphoric, dizzy, excited, bemused, shaken, awe-struck, bewildered, distracted, anxious, beside myself, frantic, thrilled, apprehensive...
A whole Molotov cocktail of emotions that blew up last night.
My camera is in the shop (and to my horror perhaps 'wont be back till Christmas...") which would mean that I would have to run through the streets, naked, to the visual and censorial Mecca of America without my magic eyes. I almost weep. (well, in fact, I did weep) To rent one down there would cost me 350$, so at that price, why not just put that towards a new one?
Well, I was not planning to do that so soon - was waiting for some cash and a few more jobs to come in before taking plunge, but throughout my vigilante comparison shopping hunt, I find out that the Canon 20D with a lens, 2Gig card, a battery, and a spectacular 3 year warranty would cost me less than $2000 Canadian!! I was asked to pay $1500 plus tax for a used one!! (and an added $350 in tax my dears). I was so relieved. Now, I must be able to get to B&H before they close Friday the 14th before 2pm because the rest of the month is Sukkoth (high Jewish holiday) and if I didn't get there in time, that would make me angry. Very angry...
Last night into the morning, bleary eyed and weak, I looked for places to stay. It's crazy how expensive some hotels were, and I wasn't up to staying in a Hostel with 6 other people because I want this trip to be a personal journey of sorts - find my spiritual center, take HPK around a city that never sleeps, and then - take the leap of faith into the seeds of a new life, knowing that somehow the net will appear
because it always does...
I know I will come back with stars in my eyes and feel renewed creativeky, which is what I need right now. (did I mention that my photos were going to be part of a Flickr exposition down there??) I will meet people who will become very influential in my life, who will put me in touch with other people. I have a feeling that some people will see the rawness in my art, admire me for bearing my soul, and take me under their wing. If that does not happen of its own record, I will make damm sure that I will put the wheels into motion so that it does happen!
Speaking of knowing...
My cousin from out west was here about a month ago. She seems happy with her new husband in their wedded domestic financially secure bliss. One day a few months ago (I am thinking it must have been in June/July) I got a sudden flash that my cousin was pregnant. It was the strangest thing - just like that bloop! Into my mind like a water filled balloon. I questioned myself as to where that strange insight came, but after years of things like this happening to me, I don't try anymore. I think that I am gifted with a heightened sense of perception, can perhaps tune into other people's energy wavelengths easier than most, but as I said before, it's not the first time it happened.
I let the thoughts pass - another random mind hic-up, and went about my merry way (probably, stressing - as usual...)
Today, my mom calls me - and before I even got a chance to lift the receiver to my ear she said:Did you hear the big news? Your cousin is pregnant!!
It was an AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Moment. I knew it!! I knew it !!
Perplexed, she asked: oh, she told you already?
She also knows that I have that proclivity for sensing the 'unusual and unseen'.
Turns out that my timing was correct. She said she was two months, but mentioned that she was due in April (LOL! She is going to have her hands full with an Aries child!! LOL). So I am going to be an Auntie. Not that I will see my niece often, but I just throughout it was cool.
now where was I?
Oh yea, knowing and doing...
The last time I took a solo trip was to Cuba in 2003. Now that was a life changer and I am so glad I went solo - spending time by yourself is such a beautiful thing! I have always felt that way - loved living on my own, but traveling was the next big step.
I laughed with a friend of mine the other day
HPK - you are going to LOVE NEW YORK! You will never want to come back!
I think that my head is going to explode the moment I get off the buss.
The visual that accompanied those words was enough to make us snort like two sows in a rainstorm.
I can just see you, with your curly red hair - and then BOOM! All over the place.
I had to admit, it would have been kind of funny, but I think I'll just get off the buss and walk around with my jaw dragging on the floor behind me. I think I will be so stunned, I will be able to carry my luggage inside of my mouth...
So the place looks quaint: The Virginia Guest house.
All I can say is as long as there are no bed bugs, I am a happy camper.
So the thought of sinking $2000 into a camera is making me nervous.
But I will unwind in front of the TV tonight and watch some Law and Order and leave the stress behind for a little while...
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Living with Fear
In a few weeks, I will be going to New York for the first time in my life. SOme of my photos are part of an exhibition in Harlem along with my other flickr friends. I am so excited but at the same time, full of fear. Today, I came across this passage - and how appropriate it was shook me to the core, but at the same time, was the pefect preperation for this life changing trip I am about to embark on. It's a bit of a read, but it is worth it.
Living with Fear
Time and again I realize I often live in a reality that has
little correlation to the current circumstances of my life.
It is a lovely spring morning,
And I sit by my window watching buds of pink and blue hyacinths burst into bloom.
The scene so stunning I feel like I'm watching slow motion photography
on The Discovery Channel!
Yet for some reason I feel depressed and ill at ease,
Even though my life is basically working well.
At another time and place, On a crisp winter evening,
With a full moon shining brightly.
Everything fine on the surface,
But underneath,
Subterranean, I find myself quite anxious and unsettled.
Feeling like something terrible is just beginning to happen,
And it's only going to get worse.
This sense of impending doom,
Unrelated to the current circumstances of my life.
It's as if the cells of my body remember
something terrible that my rational mind has long forgotten.
When I am incapable of reaching a place of serenity,
A place of sanity,I feel great pain.
My roller coaster emotional state has imposed a mood in me for so long,
That feeling "wrong" feels "right" to me.
I fail to understand my turmoil as a default habit pattern,
That repeats itself over and over again,
Like the "Welcome!" message on my telephone answering machine.
I DO understand rationally that the madness I sometimes feel,
Has a negative impact on the events and relationships that transpire in my life.
And yet I often don't know how to feel differently.
I know of no method to rationally change my deep feeling
of impending doom when it suddenly explodes within me.
Such crazy feelings are not something "I" want.
My riotous emotions burst into bloom,
According to a calendar that I know nothing about.
My feelings have seasons that make absolutely no sense to me.
Even though I've been destabilized by my emotions for many years,
It is only recently that I have come to clearly recognize,
Fear has been living inside me.
Influencing so much of what I do,
How I think.
How I feel.
Like a childhood bully who tells you he will kick your butt
unless you give him what he wants,
And you believe him,
So you give him,
Your peace of mind.
Your sense of self.
Your dreams for your future.
And yet wondrously,
Through all of the madness,
I didn't know how to give up.
I didn't know how to fully give in.
I persevered in my suffering.
Many times I heard a voice inside me say "You can beat me,
but you can never own my soul!"
And somehow being able to say this and truly believe this,
Kept me alive.
Kept me in the struggle.
Now, when I muster the presence to stay in the moment with my sense of desperation,
I understand fear to be a guest,
And I have the right and the power,
To ask it to either quiet down, or leave.
When I am fully present in the world and with myself,
I understand that fear can be an important ally at times.
A signal to be heeded.
Yet so important to not let it drown out the rest of what life is communicating.
The rest of what life has to offer.
Recently, with a sense of great relief,
I can report there are now times when for a few minutes,
I experience a deep feeling of calmness.
And even if such feelings have yet to last,
The taste and smell of these experiences linger.
The weight and balance of my memories shift.
I sit quietly,
Breathe deeply,
And look at my alter,
Or out onto the world,
And know that everything is truly just as it should be.
I have been living under the spell of a blessing.
God has been with me from the very beginning.
I know that I have a rightful place in the world.
That my pain and suffering have been righteous,
I stayed the course,
Without giving up what I believe in.
The sanctity of my soul.
The sanctity of every soul.
Lately, I am able to console the frightened little boy, who lives inside me,
By letting him know there is nothing "real" about fear.
It's an illusion that appears when we feel separate, alone, and alienated.
The presence of fear, signaling the absence of love and protection.
The absence of the realization of God.
I help my little boy understand that it is in being together,
That we make everything OK.
Together, the little boy and I come to understand
we are capable of facing whatever might come.
Together,
We actually look forward to life's many challenges.
Together,
We become curious about how we will face death.
Together,
We feel our clear connection to God, and Life, and Hope.
Together.
Living with Fear
Time and again I realize I often live in a reality that has
little correlation to the current circumstances of my life.
It is a lovely spring morning,
And I sit by my window watching buds of pink and blue hyacinths burst into bloom.
The scene so stunning I feel like I'm watching slow motion photography
on The Discovery Channel!
Yet for some reason I feel depressed and ill at ease,
Even though my life is basically working well.
At another time and place, On a crisp winter evening,
With a full moon shining brightly.
Everything fine on the surface,
But underneath,
Subterranean, I find myself quite anxious and unsettled.
Feeling like something terrible is just beginning to happen,
And it's only going to get worse.
This sense of impending doom,
Unrelated to the current circumstances of my life.
It's as if the cells of my body remember
something terrible that my rational mind has long forgotten.
When I am incapable of reaching a place of serenity,
A place of sanity,I feel great pain.
My roller coaster emotional state has imposed a mood in me for so long,
That feeling "wrong" feels "right" to me.
I fail to understand my turmoil as a default habit pattern,
That repeats itself over and over again,
Like the "Welcome!" message on my telephone answering machine.
I DO understand rationally that the madness I sometimes feel,
Has a negative impact on the events and relationships that transpire in my life.
And yet I often don't know how to feel differently.
I know of no method to rationally change my deep feeling
of impending doom when it suddenly explodes within me.
Such crazy feelings are not something "I" want.
My riotous emotions burst into bloom,
According to a calendar that I know nothing about.
My feelings have seasons that make absolutely no sense to me.
Even though I've been destabilized by my emotions for many years,
It is only recently that I have come to clearly recognize,
Fear has been living inside me.
Influencing so much of what I do,
How I think.
How I feel.
Like a childhood bully who tells you he will kick your butt
unless you give him what he wants,
And you believe him,
So you give him,
Your peace of mind.
Your sense of self.
Your dreams for your future.
And yet wondrously,
Through all of the madness,
I didn't know how to give up.
I didn't know how to fully give in.
I persevered in my suffering.
Many times I heard a voice inside me say "You can beat me,
but you can never own my soul!"
And somehow being able to say this and truly believe this,
Kept me alive.
Kept me in the struggle.
Now, when I muster the presence to stay in the moment with my sense of desperation,
I understand fear to be a guest,
And I have the right and the power,
To ask it to either quiet down, or leave.
When I am fully present in the world and with myself,
I understand that fear can be an important ally at times.
A signal to be heeded.
Yet so important to not let it drown out the rest of what life is communicating.
The rest of what life has to offer.
Recently, with a sense of great relief,
I can report there are now times when for a few minutes,
I experience a deep feeling of calmness.
And even if such feelings have yet to last,
The taste and smell of these experiences linger.
The weight and balance of my memories shift.
I sit quietly,
Breathe deeply,
And look at my alter,
Or out onto the world,
And know that everything is truly just as it should be.
I have been living under the spell of a blessing.
God has been with me from the very beginning.
I know that I have a rightful place in the world.
That my pain and suffering have been righteous,
I stayed the course,
Without giving up what I believe in.
The sanctity of my soul.
The sanctity of every soul.
Lately, I am able to console the frightened little boy, who lives inside me,
By letting him know there is nothing "real" about fear.
It's an illusion that appears when we feel separate, alone, and alienated.
The presence of fear, signaling the absence of love and protection.
The absence of the realization of God.
I help my little boy understand that it is in being together,
That we make everything OK.
Together, the little boy and I come to understand
we are capable of facing whatever might come.
Together,
We actually look forward to life's many challenges.
Together,
We become curious about how we will face death.
Together,
We feel our clear connection to God, and Life, and Hope.
Together.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
i need my space (wiggle room)
Thank you Lorenzodom for this beautiful photo, and the wonderful passage that he wrote for it.
Don't be afraid of emptiness - strive for it instead. for less is more, it really is. space, both physical and mental, gives one room to breath, to think, to create, and conceive. for emptiness, if anything, is clarity, and is often the optimal state of being which is conducive to enlightenment and inspiration.
solitary activities, such as running, writing, meditation, or even bathing, often serve as great catalysts for creativity.Artistss, philosophers, scientists and gurus, all know that solitude is the sine qua non of not only creation, discovery and epiphany, but perhaps most importantly, the personal means to their salvation.
I spent a few days alone in the house. My man was away on business. Usually, I go stir crazy, trying to squeeze 1000 things I have wanting to do in a few hours when he leaves - I mean, I can use the vacuum cleaner as a military tank - zooming around the house like a kamikazi pilot, taking out dustballs and other small things that get in my way, without having to disturb him, or make him move 50 different places because every time he sits down, I have discovered a new place to spot clean. I know that I can get completely annoying, and I need to have that time to be insane by myself. I know that it does him good to be out of the range of fire as well.
Some people hate to be alone - they fear and dread those moments, and desperately try to fill up their time with other people. I personally, love it. I love to travel on my own, eat in restaurants on my own, see movies and concerts by myself. That doesn't mean I am a loner - actually the opposite! I think I am so sociable that it's a handicap. But when the night winds down, it's past midnight, sitting at my computer to write, it's wonderful to be able to turn on the stereo, dance a little dance, chill out with some candles and Jamaicann rum and ramble off ideas to myself.
I love talking to myself when I am alone. I have found out that I am my own best company! I laugh at my own jokes, I listen when I talk, I don't butt in on my own conversations, and I can understand ME! I think my appreciation of solitude and alone time comes from being an only child. I always had a vivid imagination, so friends or no friends, toys or no toys, I was able to make fun wherever I went - and nobody argued with me!
So he is home tonight. Out cold in a deep deep sleep. He stirss when I come into the bed - the mattress shifting wakes him up.
Why were you up so late? he mumbles, eyes trying to adjust to the glow of the clock.
I just wanted to write some stuff.
You have all day to do that.
but it's not the same. At night, there is a peace in the house - your energies, the cat's energies and the outside world pauses for a little while - slows down to a halt. I like to spend some time in those quiet moments, alone.
I have to say that being alone does not mean being lonelyy.
If you have never gone to a restaurant by yourself, I suggest you start small. Starbucks or McDonalds are a non threatening environment. And when you get real good - you can reserve a table for one in a fancy restaurant, order some chardonnay and sip it by candlelight and know that you have just made a huge step in getting to be happy being alone with yourself.
Monday, September 26, 2005
More relevant astro ca-ca
I hate having to refer to these astrological predictions, but these are just TOOO CREEPY especially in the light of what has been happening in the past few weeks, days and what is on the roster re: me going to New York city, taking a scriptwriting course, meeting up with an old contact who works at a government agency that is in charge of funding Canadian filmmakers (who said he would be more than happy to read my script...)
ouf.
Life really is stranger than fiction!
This week for Aries
Mars is standing still in the sky, hovering around a sensitive spot in the celestial sphere, close to a star called Zaurak. The name means 'boat' and people whose birth charts contain strong links to this heavenly body, often have phases when they feel 'all at sea'. You are now being temporarily touched by this influence which explains why you feel as if so much is floating around without direction. Actually, though, you are in the process of making a great journey - one which will eventually lead you to the safe shore of a more secure future. Don't fear or resent an apparent lack of progress. Sooner than you think you will be sailing to success.
!!!!!!!!
And for an apparently gloomy Monday - today's forecast is as follows:
Even if you are not sure where you are going, you want to get there as fast as you can. Nothing seems to be happening fast enough. For a person like you, who values actions more than words, that is frustrating. You had better get used to it. For a few days to come, little may alter. Something big is about to happen. It will bring lasting, positive change, once it occurs. There is little you can do, though, to hurry this process other than to be relaxed, trusting and keep yourself gainfully occupied whilst a little more time passes by.
!!!!!!!
I'll keep you posted...
ouf.
Life really is stranger than fiction!
This week for Aries
Mars is standing still in the sky, hovering around a sensitive spot in the celestial sphere, close to a star called Zaurak. The name means 'boat' and people whose birth charts contain strong links to this heavenly body, often have phases when they feel 'all at sea'. You are now being temporarily touched by this influence which explains why you feel as if so much is floating around without direction. Actually, though, you are in the process of making a great journey - one which will eventually lead you to the safe shore of a more secure future. Don't fear or resent an apparent lack of progress. Sooner than you think you will be sailing to success.
!!!!!!!!
And for an apparently gloomy Monday - today's forecast is as follows:
Even if you are not sure where you are going, you want to get there as fast as you can. Nothing seems to be happening fast enough. For a person like you, who values actions more than words, that is frustrating. You had better get used to it. For a few days to come, little may alter. Something big is about to happen. It will bring lasting, positive change, once it occurs. There is little you can do, though, to hurry this process other than to be relaxed, trusting and keep yourself gainfully occupied whilst a little more time passes by.
!!!!!!!
I'll keep you posted...
OMG!!!!!!!
I got this about an hour ago.
I am still reeling!
It's grey, rainy and damp outside but I woke up this morning earlier than normal. There was something pressing to do, learn, read, experience (and no, it was not my bladder...)
There was an awards ceremony last night. Charlotte emailed me last minute and asked me if I wanted to go. I was being a mole - curled up on the couch, box of Kleenex, my allergies and an hour of The Simpsons and Family Guy back to back. I was in no mood to go out.
I woke up this morning and I had a funny feeling - there was something. I could not put my finger on it. Things are starting to stir, motion, movement, a whole lotta shakin going on...
Then I opened my email and this is what was in my inbox:
Well it is too bad none of you could make it, but Alex and I were there and here is a summary of the night:
Most Notable Promotion and Publicity campaign
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité and a few others
Winner : Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Yeahhhhhhhh!
Best featured (non-lead) actor in a play
nominated: Peter K (Gino and drag queeextraordinairere)
Winner: some other guy, who cares, Peter's the best in our books
Best Performance by an ensemble cast in English
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Winner: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Woohoooo!
Wish you guys were there to enjoy these moments with us. It was a rush.
and just as an added fun note. Davyn, the organizer said to me, that he was getting calls for our show all week, from people wanting to see it, he even got calls today. Awesome, we haven't exhausted our audience yet and hopefully we will get another chance to do our stuff.
that's all for now, updates next week
P&A
I wrote an email to a friend of mine - joked that:
a) it seems like we are as successful as the tv show
b) are the next Rocky Horror Picture Show -but for the modern 30something crowd
A year ago I never would have thought this would ever happen.
NEVER!
And last year, I said that this would be the summer to change my life?
Well - presto!
lol
I am still reeling!
It's grey, rainy and damp outside but I woke up this morning earlier than normal. There was something pressing to do, learn, read, experience (and no, it was not my bladder...)
There was an awards ceremony last night. Charlotte emailed me last minute and asked me if I wanted to go. I was being a mole - curled up on the couch, box of Kleenex, my allergies and an hour of The Simpsons and Family Guy back to back. I was in no mood to go out.
I woke up this morning and I had a funny feeling - there was something. I could not put my finger on it. Things are starting to stir, motion, movement, a whole lotta shakin going on...
Then I opened my email and this is what was in my inbox:
Well it is too bad none of you could make it, but Alex and I were there and here is a summary of the night:
Most Notable Promotion and Publicity campaign
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité and a few others
Winner : Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Yeahhhhhhhh!
Best featured (non-lead) actor in a play
nominated: Peter K (Gino and drag queeextraordinairere)
Winner: some other guy, who cares, Peter's the best in our books
Best Performance by an ensemble cast in English
Nominated: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Winner: Dum Blond Productions / Sex and la Cité
Woohoooo!
We did it! You should all be very proud!!!!
Wish you guys were there to enjoy these moments with us. It was a rush.
and just as an added fun note. Davyn, the organizer said to me, that he was getting calls for our show all week, from people wanting to see it, he even got calls today. Awesome, we haven't exhausted our audience yet and hopefully we will get another chance to do our stuff.
that's all for now, updates next week
P&A
I wrote an email to a friend of mine - joked that:
a) it seems like we are as successful as the tv show
b) are the next Rocky Horror Picture Show -but for the modern 30something crowd
A year ago I never would have thought this would ever happen.
NEVER!
And last year, I said that this would be the summer to change my life?
Well - presto!
lol
Woke up late, really late, cleaned like a fiend.
Serious shit for serious dirt.
I was so peaceful here, things were quiet aside from the cats screaming for attention. I cooked, washed dishes, did the laundry and chilled watching the Simpsons and Family Guy. It was good, but I am feeling down.
PMS? I missed my period for this month - but stress can do that to me, and so can putting on the poundz.
Weary, happy, exhausted and wondering - all this bla bla bla.
I am trying to calm the Trojan army in my head.
the natives are restless
I am slowing down - I knew that after the play and all the other whoopala, I would dribble down the side of the high life.
trying to talk to myself and be safe inside
while it gets damp and grey outside.
I think I am going to take a nice hot soak, drink some wonderful warm rum and cinnamon tea, chill out to a boring movie until I fall asleep in front of the TV.
Funny, one of my x's always used to say - the TV is watching me sleeping, not me watching it...
Serious shit for serious dirt.
I was so peaceful here, things were quiet aside from the cats screaming for attention. I cooked, washed dishes, did the laundry and chilled watching the Simpsons and Family Guy. It was good, but I am feeling down.
PMS? I missed my period for this month - but stress can do that to me, and so can putting on the poundz.
Weary, happy, exhausted and wondering - all this bla bla bla.
I am trying to calm the Trojan army in my head.
the natives are restless
I am slowing down - I knew that after the play and all the other whoopala, I would dribble down the side of the high life.
trying to talk to myself and be safe inside
while it gets damp and grey outside.
I think I am going to take a nice hot soak, drink some wonderful warm rum and cinnamon tea, chill out to a boring movie until I fall asleep in front of the TV.
Funny, one of my x's always used to say - the TV is watching me sleeping, not me watching it...
Friday, September 23, 2005
WTF?
I laughed so hard when I first saw this, then I began to think, wonder, and feel bad that I laughed so hard at it. Then I walked away, and a few hours later, I did the same thing all over again.
Am I the only one that this is happening to???!!
Am I the only one that this is happening to???!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Sex and La Cité after party
So this was us after our 1st show at the infamous Chez Mado - Charlotte, Me and Samantha! We were having such a wonderful time!
And would'nt you know it...
It made one year ago this month that I went to chez mado for the first time with one of my friends. I remember saying: 'this place is too wacky, I am going to have to include it into my next film! "
Who would have guessed that a show that managed to sell out (now 13 out of 14 shows in the past 3 months!!) would be something that would come first before my film...
Never in a million years!!
lol
And would'nt you know it...
It made one year ago this month that I went to chez mado for the first time with one of my friends. I remember saying: 'this place is too wacky, I am going to have to include it into my next film! "
Who would have guessed that a show that managed to sell out (now 13 out of 14 shows in the past 3 months!!) would be something that would come first before my film...
Never in a million years!!
lol
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Chez Mado!!
So this was it!The accumulation of all those months of work.
We were actually at Chez Mado! Putting on a play that took place in the place that I had envisioned almost a year ago.
does that make sense?
I don't know, and at this point in my drunken state, frankly, I don't even care!!!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A year ago this month, a friend of mine took me to Chez Mado because he designed a hat for Mado (the owner and Diva for the Club) and I was there to document it. I took photos of the place and was so taken back by the insanity of how many people - gay, straight, transgender, bisexual, curious had come to see glamorous drag queens strut their stuff! It was amazing! old people - young people - you name it! It was a real cornucopia of individuals gathering in the name of fun. I was amazed.
And in the back of my head I said - one day, I will put this into a movie!!
And low and behold, a few months later - the play - Sex and La Cite was born!!
And here we are - full circle again - and we are actually performing at the club I had envisioned it would one day play in!!
Oh Dr. Phil and Dr. Dyer - the power of intention is a powerful thing!!!
*****
The show was a smash! Sold out crowd and a rowdy one at that. They laughed at all the ribald references and crazy antics, they cheered and giggled at all the right places. It made me smile - backstage, cramped and teetering precariously on steep steps that lead to a drag queen's lair below. Derek (Pascal) said - hpk - when I hear the audience laugh, I think of you - YOU were the one that wrote this! You are the one who is responsible for making them laugh!!
And I thought about that, let it sink in a minute and smiled.
yea, it was me!!
teee heee heeee!!!!
******
Our original Steve is in New York city on an acting scholarship - it was sad because he was sooo Steve, but I have to give Khris credit - he had huge shoes to fill, and did an AMAZING job! He was great, and won the hearts of the audience at each show. And we all welcomed him into our SALC family.
This group is really a wonderful thing.
I don't think I ever want to let it die - we came together for so many bizarre reasons and for many of them, there are absolutely no explanations, except the fact that we have all made a wonderful piece of theater that has touched quite literally hundreds and hundreds of people.
Sigh.
I am so tipsy, craving some serious starch, fending off the PMS monster and now transferring the images that were taken tonight in our crazy ass celebration (which I will post when I am sober) and it's all wonderful!!
I can't stop thanking the universe, and God above for bringing me to this point in my life - where synchronicity goes beyond the realm of explanation, beyond the realm of 'this is just coincidental' and into the land of you know, this might really have been something that was meant to happen.
I am so thankful that I have been able to have this experience in my life.
I know that when I am 50 and will look back on these events, I will have a huge smile on my face and say:
Yea, those were some wacky and wild Sienfeld-esque times..."
:-)
xooxo
We were actually at Chez Mado! Putting on a play that took place in the place that I had envisioned almost a year ago.
does that make sense?
I don't know, and at this point in my drunken state, frankly, I don't even care!!!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A year ago this month, a friend of mine took me to Chez Mado because he designed a hat for Mado (the owner and Diva for the Club) and I was there to document it. I took photos of the place and was so taken back by the insanity of how many people - gay, straight, transgender, bisexual, curious had come to see glamorous drag queens strut their stuff! It was amazing! old people - young people - you name it! It was a real cornucopia of individuals gathering in the name of fun. I was amazed.
And in the back of my head I said - one day, I will put this into a movie!!
And low and behold, a few months later - the play - Sex and La Cite was born!!
And here we are - full circle again - and we are actually performing at the club I had envisioned it would one day play in!!
Oh Dr. Phil and Dr. Dyer - the power of intention is a powerful thing!!!
*****
The show was a smash! Sold out crowd and a rowdy one at that. They laughed at all the ribald references and crazy antics, they cheered and giggled at all the right places. It made me smile - backstage, cramped and teetering precariously on steep steps that lead to a drag queen's lair below. Derek (Pascal) said - hpk - when I hear the audience laugh, I think of you - YOU were the one that wrote this! You are the one who is responsible for making them laugh!!
And I thought about that, let it sink in a minute and smiled.
yea, it was me!!
teee heee heeee!!!!
******
Our original Steve is in New York city on an acting scholarship - it was sad because he was sooo Steve, but I have to give Khris credit - he had huge shoes to fill, and did an AMAZING job! He was great, and won the hearts of the audience at each show. And we all welcomed him into our SALC family.
This group is really a wonderful thing.
I don't think I ever want to let it die - we came together for so many bizarre reasons and for many of them, there are absolutely no explanations, except the fact that we have all made a wonderful piece of theater that has touched quite literally hundreds and hundreds of people.
Sigh.
I am so tipsy, craving some serious starch, fending off the PMS monster and now transferring the images that were taken tonight in our crazy ass celebration (which I will post when I am sober) and it's all wonderful!!
I can't stop thanking the universe, and God above for bringing me to this point in my life - where synchronicity goes beyond the realm of explanation, beyond the realm of 'this is just coincidental' and into the land of you know, this might really have been something that was meant to happen.
I am so thankful that I have been able to have this experience in my life.
I know that when I am 50 and will look back on these events, I will have a huge smile on my face and say:
Yea, those were some wacky and wild Sienfeld-esque times..."
:-)
xooxo
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Chiquita Azul - the club life
This is the kind of work that I am doing latley...
Taking photos of people having fun in a club!!
So it's offical - I am the club photographer, and might even have other spin off jobs as well. Several promoters who were at the club that night wanted to see my work, I sent it to them and they fell in love with my stuff. I am really excited and think that my winter just might be a busy one!!!
The play is being put on again this week! Three shows. For one of them, we have sold 200 out of 250 tickets.
I would just die if we ended up selling out all the shows!
I would be a happy woman indeed!!
I will write more soon when things get back to normal!!
xooxo
Taking photos of people having fun in a club!!
So it's offical - I am the club photographer, and might even have other spin off jobs as well. Several promoters who were at the club that night wanted to see my work, I sent it to them and they fell in love with my stuff. I am really excited and think that my winter just might be a busy one!!!
The play is being put on again this week! Three shows. For one of them, we have sold 200 out of 250 tickets.
I would just die if we ended up selling out all the shows!
I would be a happy woman indeed!!
I will write more soon when things get back to normal!!
xooxo
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Astro creepy
Here we go again...
This guy's stuff creeps me out!!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Don't be too sensitive and don't be too numb, either. You are going through important, powerful, changes. You are learning something about the true extent of your ability to change the world around you. You are discovering how, in one way, you can do more than you ever dreamed possible. Yet, in another, you are frustratingly, disappointingly, restricted. How big a problem does this have to be? As big as you choose to allow it to be. Focus now on the positive thing you can do. And the rest will take care of itself.
So interesting.
Today was my last session with my CBT therapist. It was kinda sad. I had grown to really like her and her fantastic insight and her way of making me look at how silly all my negative assumptions about myself were.
I am afraid I will lapse back into my old bad habits - thinking and being pessimistic, that I might fall into a depression again...
Well you have done all the works on yourself so far, I have just been here to guide you. You should be proud of your achievements. I am proud of you and know you will be alright. You have all the tools at your disposal.
So on this rainy day, I stepped out into the city streets, with my silly rubber boots and found the first big puddle and landed into it with both feet simultaneously.
That big puddle was not so big afterall.
This guy's stuff creeps me out!!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Don't be too sensitive and don't be too numb, either. You are going through important, powerful, changes. You are learning something about the true extent of your ability to change the world around you. You are discovering how, in one way, you can do more than you ever dreamed possible. Yet, in another, you are frustratingly, disappointingly, restricted. How big a problem does this have to be? As big as you choose to allow it to be. Focus now on the positive thing you can do. And the rest will take care of itself.
So interesting.
Today was my last session with my CBT therapist. It was kinda sad. I had grown to really like her and her fantastic insight and her way of making me look at how silly all my negative assumptions about myself were.
I am afraid I will lapse back into my old bad habits - thinking and being pessimistic, that I might fall into a depression again...
Well you have done all the works on yourself so far, I have just been here to guide you. You should be proud of your achievements. I am proud of you and know you will be alright. You have all the tools at your disposal.
So on this rainy day, I stepped out into the city streets, with my silly rubber boots and found the first big puddle and landed into it with both feet simultaneously.
That big puddle was not so big afterall.
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