hahhahhahhhaahah

oh I love this place so much. Whenever I feel like utter crap, I browse some of their brilliant cards and laugh until I pee my pants.

ALT 35 H; AST 46 H

ALT 35 H; AST 46 H

what does this mean?
Well, something is wrong with my liver

lovely...

Got results from blood tests from my doctor today. He said it's nothing to be really alarmed about, but because they are high, they should be investigated, so I'm email my gastroenterologist 2mrw with lots of questions.


My body is falling apart.
Hit 40 -
don't go past GO.
Return to sender.
Payment Past Due.


euchhhguh

went to the gym thought.
thought I'd get as much exercise in as I could before I have to be "not doing any strenuous work or exercises that can get your heart rate up" - because since I'm going to have some pieces of me scraped out, and my previous history of being a bleeder, it's not a good thing to be too physically active until the old bat cave heals up.

but on the upside - driving is coming along. Not afraid of lane changes so much as I am afraid of these really fucked up drivers in this city. I shake my head every time I see someone go through a red light, cut off somebody or become outrageously agressive for no reason. Being behind the wheel gives you a whole new perspective on life on the road, and it's not pretty.

but i will try to emit rose petals instead of carbon monoxide from my car as I drive around and around...

some asshole posted this on my facebook page after I put up this picture and wrote about my mom and I being a part of the exhibit:

"fuck uuuu, fuck your mom....."

I am speechless...


let him have cancer and see how bold he feels about that then...

prick

I just got a call from the doctor's office -
I had the test done for a cancer screening two weeks ago.
The nurse told me to call her back as soon as possible because the doctor wants to talk about treatments

I'm sobbing so fucken hard I can hardly type this
E is coming home. But I'm now going out for a walk.
I don't' want to have cancer - not now.
I'm due to take my driver's exam on the 15th and am part of this fucken amazing photo project with two women...long story
I don't have the energy to say more.
just wanted you to know what was going on

today was such a nice day - was going to go for a swim in the pool park
now I'm in fear for my life and the "treatment"

please pray for me

I don't know what happened - things seemed to be going so well, and then I came back from camping - into civilization and it all began to fall apart and lightening speed.

Things have been dark and bleak for no other reason than I just feel shitty.
Trying to dig deep within myself to pull out of this blackness, but every effort is strained, raw, echoing bitterness for this black cloud that hangs over me.

I did meet two amazing women the other night - and with that, and the prospect of a collaborative project in the works, things might just turn around for me. I look forward to working closely with them. It felt so good to connect with the outside world - and with women who are strong, intelligent, creative and beautiful.

I have been trying to go swimming every other day - three times last week at the public pool. Oh how wonderful it was to feel buoyant! It's easy to forget how to float, but once in the water, I swam with speed and ease. Weightlessness never looked so good on me. Whenever I feel melancholy, my sinuses remind me of the bitter residue of chlorine that is still stuck in there, and I can't help but wince in pain and smile because of the memory it brings.

But the public outdoor pools will be closing soon - i feel sad that I had missed a whole summer of what could have been a whole summer outside swimming, but I can't think that way. I look forward to swimming indoors and taking lessons soon to perfect my strokes, feel even more confident in the water.

The NLP seems to have eluded me - all that I learned has faded into a pale memory. I wonder if hypnosis would not have been better for me.

but I can't think like that.
must interrupt the negative thinker
must interrupt
must stop
must
must

hidden passion numero uno

I do these things for fun - and tarot.com had a freebe so I said why not?

I need some guidance anyway...


Your Hidden Passion Number is 1

You have a strong drive to stand out. You have a great ambition and desire to accomplish. You are highly competitive and want to be the best and the first in everything you do. You are highly energetic and creative. You are capable of influencing and even dominating others. You have highly developed political skills, and can succumb to manipulation unless your ideals are high.

Ironically, there are times when you lack confidence, especially at an earlier age, but you have the strength to overcome this obstacle.

You are a survivor, a warrior, a leader. Many great athletes and politicians have this number as a Hidden Passion.

life path # 5

5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often lands them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.

The key to your personality is freedom. You love travel, adventure, variety and meeting new people. You possess the curiosity of a cat and long to experience all of life. You love to be involved in several things at the same time as long as you are not tied down to any one area. You like change, new things and new horizons. You make friends easily, your personality is upbeat and often inspiring attracting people from all walks of life.

You have a way of words and an uncanny ability to motivate others. You can be in sales, advertising, publicity, promotion, politics or any profession that requires your communication skills and understanding of people. You likely lack discipline and order. You can also be impulsive, doing or expressing things you regret later.

Freedom and a need for adventure sometimes is not properly controlled by those born with this Life Path, causing problems with drug abuse, overindulgence in food or sex, or generally abusing the gift of life. You are sensual and love to taste all of life. Sex, food and other sensory experiences are essential to the enjoyment of your life. You find it difficult to commit to one relationship, but once committed you can be as faithful as an old dog. You are multi-talented and possess a variety of diverse abilities. However, discipline and focus are the true keys to your success. Without these many of the tasks you begin will remain unfinished and you will fail to realize the true fruits of your abilities. With hard work and perseverance the sky is the limit.

You may have been perceived as a wild child by adults and a source of concern by your family. However, do not be obliged to hurry your choice of career. You are often a late-bloomer and need to experience life before you can truly know and commit to your heart's desire. Your challenge is to learn the true meaning of freedom. Change is constant in your world requiring adaptability and courage. Try to maintain an exercise program, keep your body in shape and limber. The flexibility and durability of your body will promote security and confidence within you.

You yearn for freedom and self-employment attracts you powerfully. Your challenge is to settle into one area to cultivate your ability sufficiently to earn a living and attain success. Once you find your niche the motivation and inspiration you supply others will bring you much in return, you will find your friends and colleagues supporting and promoting you on the road to success.

• Your Life Path number is 5
  
• Your Birthday number is 4
  
• Your Expression number is 2
  
• Your Heart's Desire number is 8
  
• Your Personality number is 3
  
• Your Maturity number is 7
  
• Your Balance number is 3
• Your Challenges numbers are 0, 2, 2, 2
• Your Pinnacles numbers are 8, 1, 9, 1
  

apple seeds for Martin

Martin Luther King Jr. has a special place in my heart.

He was born on my mother's birthday, and was shot the day I was born - only a few hours after the horrible incident.

I just happened to stumble upon this just before signing off here.

Perhaps it's time to get my apple seeds ready...

“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all.”

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.(1929-1968)

i'd never thought I'd hear the "c" word applied to me...

so this is what I have - barrett's esophagus - too much acid reflux over the years has worn away my esophagus - leading to scar tissue, which can, in time, become cancerous.

after being heavily sedated, after my gastroscopy, i wobbled to the waiting room for my surgeon to talk to me - and that's what he said. I think i must have turned a transparent white cause he took my arm and said: "I don't think it's cancerous, but we will have to wait for the biopsy, and then perhaps, schedule yearly gastroscopies to keep things in check".

i was too spaced out to really take in all the information, but tried to focus on the positive - all my ulcers had cleared up nicely, but today -

today...

hot on the heels of my other worry that Friday, another round of pap smears might confirm the presence of pre-cancerous cells in my cervix.

nothing is written in stone, i don't have any diagnosis (knock on wood!!!) but to even know that my risk factors are bumped up to (in this case with the Barrett's) to 125 times the risk, i'm not really in the best place right now.

oh how silly we are to think we are almost immortal - that death can't touch us

What is Barrett's esophagus?

Your esophagus is a tube that goes from your throat to your stomach. When you swallow food, it goes through this tube and into your stomach. Gastroesophageal reflux disease (also called GERD) is a health problem that happens when stomach acid goes up into your esophagus. If this happens over a long period of time, the acid can make changes in the lining of your esophagus. This condition is called Barrett's esophagus. In some cases, it can lead to cancer.

Who gets Barrett's esophagus?

People who have had GERD for a long time have a higher risk of getting Barrett's esophagus. This problem is much more common in white and Hispanic men. Smokers and people who are obese also have a higher risk. Barrett's esophagus is more common in people older than 50 years of age. Most people who have Barrett's esophagus are diagnosed after age 60. As a matter of fact, paitents with Barrett's esophagus have a 30-125 fol higher risk of developing cancer of the esophagus than the general population.

a little less stressed behind the wheel
managed to parallel park one shot, but that was a one shot deal. Tried to do it again but failed.

At least i did it one time - now i know it's possible...

but am changing lanes with less stress now. It seems as if it's becoming 2nd nature - well, twice removed, but i think that will wear away in time, to really become 2nd nature, like a 2nd skin.

but feeling overall shitty - must be the weather
rain rain rain

i was looking forward to having a whole batch of cherry tomatoes, but now the plant is barely on its last leaves, so i might have to toss it, but that always seems like such a sad thing to do. Guess i will let nature really take its course.


speaking of course - going for my virtual driving lesson 2mrw afternoon. Looking forward to that experience. Less messy than actually learning on the road.

but yea, feeling very shitty -2nd guessing my photography, writing and myself
have not gone to the gym, pants getting a little more snug, muscles beginning to atrophy
(okay, i'm exaggerating about the muscles, but i am putting on the pounds, 5 in two weeks - not good) so that's weighing on me, but my body aches so much. Damm fybromyalgia. Cold and damp are my two worst enemies.

so another week of rain and damp in the forecast. I hope it lifts soon because i don't see myself doing any lifting or moving or doing anything soon.


bleh

this keeps me going...

All art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story; to vomit the anguish up.
James Baldwin


Raise a million filters and the rain will not be clean, until the longing for it be refined in deep confession.
Leonard Cohen


Confession of errors is like a broom which sweeps away the dirt and leaves the surface brighter and clearer.
Ghandi

The moment has come for me to write, draw, and paint my credo. In the last month I have destroyed much of my work... Looked at carefully, they were mostly tumors remaining from my bad times.
Kupka


Revealing secrets can bring us pain or get us into trouble, but worse pain and worse trouble await us if we keep silent… we become habitually untruthful. The door to our creativity closes.
Eric Maisel

Art is always and everywhere the secret confession and, at the same time, the immortal movement of its time.
Karl Marx

Simple confidence can change perception of both audience and artist.
Jill Badonsky

The landscape with its violent, pure colours dazzled and blinded me. I was always uncertain...
Paul Gaugin

Don't apologize for who you are or the art you create.
CJ Rider


Your self-confidence is directly connected to how much you feel you are making a difference in the world.
Brian Tracey

what to do, where to go, how to proceed

had dinner with e - two pints of hoegaarden and i was all over the map (but these pints looked like buckets, i kid you not), trying to figure out what the fuck to do with my life, which direction to choose, which lane to pick, and how fast to go in it.

Needless to say, we didn't get anywhere fast except in circles, with me in the middle, feeling lost and confused.


when i asked him (i should have known that he would give me this response...) he told me that i should pick the one that would be most likely to make me money fast.

Practical practical

doesn't necessarily mean the best


"but which do I do best? Let your logical mind slow down for a minute, and let the creative one move forward" but i could see in his face, a struggle and soon the furrowed brow followed.


I don't know what to tell you.

well, i don't know what to say...

and so i sit here, tormented by which path to take, because i know, in the end, i can't take all three - i only have two legs and can go in one direction at any given moment in time

writing
photography
filmmaking

i can do all of them really well, have won awards in all three and love all of them like my own children

"you do writing all the time - it's been years since you did film, and photography you don't do that often..."


so??!!

I have not been on a bike in decades, does that mean i have lost the ability or enjoyment or knowhow to ride it???

no surprise, he fell silent on that one...

at this point, my logical mind, fed up with all this frustration and headache, thinks i should leave all three behind and not follow a passion but be practical because money does not grow on trees and time is fleeing

but oh, it hurts to think that i might have to leave a dream behind and wake to something that is just one long infomercial.

this sounds pretty dramatic, cut off my nose to spite my face, but i am true to myself and refuse to edit what i feel, so i'm putting it all out there - as flabby and unattractive as that may be - although i might regret this in the morning...

but whateveah

any thoughts?

be your own furniture

be your own furniture here!
Swedish style

life seemed a little bit better in the morning...

Went with mom for her c-scope. Amazing news! it was nothing! The spot they found on the PET scan was actually another inflammation. What a relief that was. She walked out all smiles - exhausted, dehydrated and hungry, but happy.

Would it be too hopeful to think that she might have kept the cancer at bay this time? We can only hope - which is what we are doing a lot of these days...


and also went to the gym last night and it was good to catch up with an old friend as well we are going to karaoke at a dive bar (I mean, a real low down dingy dive bar) on Thursday - a celebration of sorts. Time to work on my inner pipes.

but running was therapeutic - did lots of stretches which went a long way in the post aches. Got home at 9pm. Time well spent I say.

and when I woke up, life seemed a little bit better in the morning...

the low on the low down

feeling quite low energy lately
nothing much to do
not able to do much


I've stopped going to the gym on a regular basis, and it disturbs me. What once acted as my anti-depressant boost has slowly puttered away, and it (like pretty much everything else in my life right now) has become a chore. I could lift 1000 pounds easier than I can lift this profuse fog of languid boredom.


I can't even write.
Words sputter our from the stumps of my nailbeds like dried ink blots. Eyes drag across the page like reams of wet fabric. The mind is caught in an elliptical apathetic mantra of "why should I/do I give a flying fuck?"

I don't know.

Hope that this will pass because every day, every morning that I wake up, I leave a little part of my soul behind when I dream of better days gone by.




Aries Horoscope for week of July 24, 2008

Anna Renalda Hyatt, a reader from Colorado, bragged to me about her prowess. "My capacity for expressing love far surpasses that of anyone I have ever met," she wrote. "I am a Sublime Genius of Love, a Master of Unconditional Compassion, a Virtuoso of Deep Empathy." Your assignment in the coming days, Aries, is to compete with her: Unleash a perfect storm of ingenious passion that will ignite subtle revolutions everywhere you go. Explore the frontiers of smart love.





but this makes more sense...

At the heart of the pronoiac way of life is an apparent conundrum: You can have anything you want if you'll just ask for it in an unselfish way. The trick to making this work is to locate where your deepest ambition coincides with the greatest gift you have to give. Figure out how the universe, by providing you with abundance, can improve the lot of everyone whose life you touch. Seek the fulfillment of your fondest desires in such a way that you become a fount of blessings.

in the blink of an eye, she was gone

“There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.”

Douglas Adams

taking a little hiatus for a week or so, or more.
Need time to process things. Need time to rest.

edit me

.
.
.

Edit me
make me whole
take me apart
and then
in the fragments
find the meaning
and piece me
back together
again

because from there on
I will never be
the same
the same
or different
because
I'm rearranged

Edit me
because you want
to know me

edit me
because you might
be afraid of
reading between
these lines



.
.
.
.
.

it could be something, it could be nothing...

The pet scan revealed two spots - one on her lymph node right in the middle of her chest, the other on her colon.

The doctor says that he's not really sure what they are, and is ordering more tests.
"it could be something, it could be nothing..."

so I'm trying to keep a positive spin on things, and as hard as my brain is fighting me on this "new attitude", i seem to be winning.
Slowly.

One neuron at a time.

The other night, while plagued with fear and anxiety about the fact that perhaps, the cancer is once again manifesting itself in her body, I simply slowed down the mind machine, took a few deep breaths and said: "anything is possible, and everything is possible. Whether you you say you can't or you can, it's true..."

I think my last session is starting to sink in
things are slowly making sense, and the path of least resistance is opening up, becoming brighter, and although much of it still under construction, I'm taking it slow.


***

got stung by a wasp - 4 times in one split second.

and it hurt like hell

Never have been bitten by a bee/wasp before, it's convincing to say that all the horror stories I had heard were true. It hurts like a mf'r.


I was trying to move away some seemingly carnivorously vines that were about to grab me over mom's fence in her back yard today, and as I was bending one tangled loop over to the other side, before I had a chance to blink, I heard a nasty and loud buzz.

Mosquitoes i thought.
but this nasty hot poker iron that was driven deep into my face and arms (and chest) was unmistakable. In hindsight (and thanks to google), I should have not swatted so furiously, but i just wanted it to get away from my face. I ran into the house swearing like an inebriated drunk trucker. The bites were enormous. I grabbed some ice, a bottle of vinegar and stood before the bathroom mirror awestruck by the precision and speed of the attack.

So as I sit here typing this, the right side of my face underneath my eye is swollen, my arm and writs throb, but the program I am feeding into this machine is "at least I wasn't allergic! So that's a good thing..."

nlp for you and me

saw the life coach today


not an hour too soon either

wonderful, wonderful


did a list of my "values" today

interesting interesting


found out that one compliments the other

intertwined intertwined


found out where I'm needing to focus

corrections corrections



homework was to beleive in my dreams

options options


no more "I can't do anything"

no more lies no more lies
.
.
.
.
.

the longest night - will the cancer return?

the longest night - will the cancer return?
Originally uploaded by hellophotokitty

This will perhaps be one of those long agonizing nights for me, and I can't even begin to imagine how long and sleepless hers will be...

She finds out the results of her PET scan tomorrow afternoon.

We are all hoping and praying that she will be in the clear, but the reality is, if it spread to the lungs last time, the major organs are next.

There have been miracles - people manage to live years cancer free, but this is a very aggressive form of melanoma, so as much as we try not to think about it, it's there in the back of our minds.

So please send her some positive thoughts 2mrw afternoon. She goes in at noon, but will end up seeing the doctor about 12:30-1:30

I will keep you all posted.

totally put off - the final vroom vroom part 5

I'm totally put off by driving

at least that is how I'm feeling today, and might be for a while until I am able to replace this horrible and traumatic experience with another positive one

which might mean that I have to go to a different driving school with a different instructor (who I hope is a little less uptight and high strung and sounding like my mother can on her worst days)

there is no good way to teach somebody through fear mongering or yelling at them

and that is what happened today

I was yelled at because I didn't change lanes when I had the chance

wtf ?!


what am I going to learn from this?
Don't change lanes
ever

or at least avoid traffic rush hour like your life and the lives of everybody else on this planet depended on it.

bad taste in my mouth
like the metal pipe that hangs from the exhaust system from underneath the car I was driving

at least that was the place I would have rather spent my 60 minutes today...