fresh strawberries, wine, moonlight. Perfect way to ease the uneasiness of transition and uncertainty

It doesn't help that facebook has this horrible 3x4 inch screen to see what you are typing into,and that i'm trying to uncross my eyes from the experience...

this was a nice exchange.

and sometimes,you will find joy and love in the smallest of places...

Big A

this is internet for idiots

10:44pmhpk

i agree. but i just cant shake feeling all vulnerable and soggy

10:45pm

Big A

well like I said facebook is for people looking for something to complain about and show how pityfull their real lives are

10:45pm

hpk

indeed, but for some of us, it

10:45pm

Big A

I'm not saying all

10:45pm

hpk

it's about sharing..

maybe i share too much...

10:46pm

Big A

but 98% are morons

10:46pm

hpk

let me thro something at you

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

just suppose...

10:46pm

Big A

ok

10:46pm

hpk

hypothetical brainstorm

10:46pm

Big A

oh oh

10:46pm

hpk

i was doing some writing last night - figuring out shit, and came across this book,

it was about "finding your purpose in life" and that stuff i like to read sometimes.

but this time

unlike other times when i would just delve into the pages with such hunger for knowledge

i dropped the book as if it was on fire, and felt sick to my stomach...

and what ran through my head was

"why am i so afraid of finding out my calling?"

you know - purpose of being here?

it was so strong, i could not shake it...

when i was younger, i wanted to change the world, and as i got older, i figured out ways -

i learned to write, then photograph, then put the two into film.

and then i made my movie (did you see it by the way? My one about my breakdown?)

10:49pm

Big A

no I haven't.....

10:49pm

hpk

anyway, it all seemed so clear to me what i needed to do - move forward in this direction.

i will show you soon...

10:49pm

Big A

Ok

10:50pm

hpk

but now, i feel frozen. Terrified. And it's as if finding my way to finding my way as to my purpose is horrifying to me.

i don't know why...

hpk

it's bugging the shit out of me and kept me up all night..

you know, when you are out of the siutation, you can see things differently

like you - you are blessed with a gift bro

and you share that with the world. Mind you, it doesn't pay now, but

you are having the ability to go around THE FUCKEN WORLD MAN!!

and that is so special!!!!

Just think of it - you have quite literally, been around the world several times!

I have only made it to cuba and calgary!! lol

but you have a gift. You feel happiest when you are painting right?

10:53pm

Big A

well the way i see it is that you need to step back...look at it like when you were a child...sometimes we complicate things for no apparent reason...thats what I did and that why I'm here now with what I have...I take to many financial risks... I know it will bit em in the ass some day...but I just can't let it go

10:54pm

Big A

I believe that I was meant for bigger things....so I'm working hard on it....i won't let anybody tell me the opposite....even if I know I'm terrified of it all

and I feel the same about you girl

I know you are meant for bigger things

I feel a bond with you in a weird way

except some of the stuff i do keeps me back and you move forward...and then its the opposite again

10:56pm

hpk

oh big A, you have just made me so very very happy! You are getting a gigantic hug 2mrw!!

what you say makes sooo much sense... We complicate things way too much, but complication - isn't that just really critical examination?

don't we really need to critically examine what life brings to us? What we want to give to it?

How do we let go of being terrified?

10:58pm

Big A

i think I stopped thinking that way 8 years ago.......I just let it happen and see what comes my way

whats the worst that can happen?? we have an adventure good or bad

we have make mistakes...most discoveries are from mistakes we make

10:59pm

hpk

but what happened to let you "just stop thinking"? Did you get a feeling that everything was going to be alright?

10:59pm

Big A

no I believed in myself and worked hard at it

thats when I felt like I was free

10:59pm

hpk

i see...

that makes so much sense...

i have to fill this void somehow...

this deep feeling of despair and fear. I really have no fucken clue where it's coming from...

11:00pm

Big A

I don't have many regrets....but the ones I do have changed my life forever

11:00pm

hpk

perhaps it's all about mortality...

and the fragility of life - and that how something so dear to you can be taken away at any second...

11:01pm

Big A

we both have been beaten down...but we are fighters and we do have something most people don't have...a free soul and love

and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:02pm

hpk

that is so unbelievably poetic dude.. you're gonna make me cry! Seriously, you are making so much sense right now...

omg. I'm reading this over and over again:and our fear isn,t from us...its from what others fear of us

11:03pm

Big A

people use us to feel better about them selves....they fear us for who and what we feel

11:03pm

hpk

go on...

11:04pm

Big A

and we were meant to suffer to make these people happy...but what they don't know is that we are the happy ones...we live in our own lives and dreams...so i feel we are the lucky ones....

11:05pm

hpk

indeed... You have such a refreshing way of looking at things dude... I never though about looking at suffering as well, salvation in a way...

11:06pm

Big A

I have been to hell and back and I know as a human being ...i could have chosen a different path...we have to take what our mothers have given us and enjoy and appreciate what we have...freedom to express ourselves with no hold bars

11:07pm

hpk

yes! I know our mothers are proud of us - and you know what? we come from incredibly strong and beautiful women!

and they are our inspirations

11:08pm

Big A

I'm not much of person that can explain what I feel... but I know now that I have let go of my fears of myself ...I can continue my journey knowing that I'm happy and doing what I love doing even i know there will be people out there fearing me and what i do and feel

11:09pm

hpk

that is a true warrior my friend... a kind and gentle warrior - you

and you express yourself eloquently too. I'm not bullshitting. You have made so much sense to me tonight.

I was ready to go to bed and worry myself to sleep, trying to figure out why i'm so worried about being me!

11:11pm

hpk

i think that deep down inside, we do the things we do because we know we can touch people. And that sensitivity is a blessing and a curse.

11:11pm

Big A

we shouldn't fear ourselves....we know what we are capable of doing and not doing... we need to push ourselves to more than would ever dream about...who cares what others feel or see...I know that what we do does touch and make peopel happy

11:12pm

hpk

yes.. yes. We are our own worst enemy

funny though - the thought of being your own worst enemy... It's not as if we didn't have enough of them in our daily lives, we have to add public and private enemy #1 to the list???

You know - i'm looking at the little thingy i posted under my friends list...

"Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations." by rollo may

so true isn't it. Perhaps we are in a state of growning - growing pains...

11:14pm

Big A

even if they do fear and and loath us...deep down they envy our freedom to be who we are and that is what I'm talking about when we fear ourselves...they do too

they fear they are boring so they mock us for there personal fears

fear of looking what they haven't done in there lives...like live

11:

hpk

could it be we fear our own freedom?

11:15pm

Big A

express there feelings and dreams

well yes we do...that why we haveto let go and just be

11:15pm

hpk

or feel guilty that we feel free?

amazing...

11:16pm

Big A

that them lurking in the shadows...

your guilt is brought on by them

and there own personal fears

11:17pm

hpk

they project onto us and we soak it up like a sponge

11:17pm

Big A

hpk...wake up!!....live your life...thats what our moms want for us and what we want for our children....

I know thats what i want for little a

her not to fear herself

her limits

her dreams

and I know thats what your mom wants too

11:19pm

hpk

i know...

and you are teaching little a some valuable life lessons, and i know that one day, when she is older and knows no limits, she will have you to thank.

11:20pm

Big A

this life is short....but I believe that there are many others before and after...but we must live what we have now and just be fearless

11:21pm

hpk

i agree. Fuck. I need to bungee jump with you...

11:21pm

Big A

its fuckin scarey....but i look at life like a child and try not complicate it to much

11:21pm

hpk

it seems that as i get older, i get more afraid.

you read my mind...

11:22pm

Big A

fear is our enemy...not other people.......

11:22pm

hpk

u would figure that life experience would make you more comfortable to face challenges - i mean, at 41, you've seen a lot and a lot of those situations we go through more than once...

but even experiences - life experiences can cripple us.

how odd is that?

we are so fucken backwards! lol

11:23pm

Big A

yes...but its always the fear of our limitations...or what we t hink we are limited too

thats why i believe that i let myself go

I don't fear myself anymore

I'm me and thats whats important

11:24pm

hpk

hitting our head on the ceiling of limitiations - and fearing the possible pain of the hit on our heads that in reality, just may never happen?

we are preparing for the worst too - in some way. At least I am...

waiting for the ceiling to fall - living in a state of perpetual fear - of others, of myself...

11:25pm

Big A

it usually doesn't....but even if it does... heck we move on and learn from it

11:25pm

hpk

i think i need to learn to love myself... i know that sounds mushy gushy...

i think that once i love myself, i'll be able to let myself go. Perhaps it's because i don't feel like i deserve to be happy...

11:26pm

Big A

you don't...you have love...just you don't see it

i don't think its that hpk

I think you feel that you need to prove way to much and that is fear of your limitations

you have all the right tools to let go...just do it

11:28pm

hpk

wow...

serious earth shaking wow Big A

11:29pm

hpk

i'm letting all of this sink in... Really a lot to chew on, but at the same time, it all makes so much sense - you made it make sense to me. how can i thank you? You know, like i had said, you came back into my life at such an important time. You were there to see me through those chaotic changes, i saw you through some as well. It's been a hell of a crazy 5-6 years hasn't it?!

we are learning from eachother - how beautiful is that!?

Perhaps we were related in a past life - or battlefield buddies. Two people fighting the odds together...

11:32pm

Big A

we all have a dark side to us...and that dark side actually is our love that is shinning through our fear...its twised in our minds but it can motivate us to work even harder...its like reverse brain twister

yes maybe

we will always fight the good fight...that what makes us outcasts

11:34pm

Big A

I lived it in its purity up in the north village...I spoke out for the people who did fear themselves to speak out and I paid for it dearly....

11:35pm

hpk

i remember that... so so true...

11:35pm

Big A

but like I told them...if I'm an asshole for that....then I'm an asshole then

like*

I'm proud to be an asshole

11:36pm

hpk

You're not an asshole - you are just saying the way it is...

11:36pm

Big A

lots think I had lost my mind...but it had never been clearer

11:36pmgirl

some people like to live shrouded in fear. ha.. i should be one to talk..

11:37pm

Big A

and to most being clear headed is a scarey thing

11:37pm

hpk

yes! We hang onto everything so dearly... even false hopes and ideals...

11:37pm

Big A

seems like everybody is living in a cloud or in there own world

but none are present

11:38pm

hpk

well, the real world can be a scary place

11:38pm

Big A

living in there fear of themselves

what people might think and say

thank you hpk for letting me let go

tell you my fears

and opening up to you....i don't do that much anymore

and that is one reason why Nancy and I are done....not because of Tiana...but we never spoke about what we feared most....ouresleves

11:40pm

hpk

Oh It's my pleasure, and I thank you for listening to me. It means so much that i have a true friend who understands me, won't judge me, and who knows me longer than, well, everybody i now associate with. We have history my friend. Lots of history...

11:

Big A

yes and its not over you poor bastard

11:41pm

hpk

you're a crazy south american bastard...

11:42pm

collaboration

Alex is one of my very best and dearest friends

He came back into my life 5 years ago after 15 years away.

His artwork is truly magical, and he has not been crowned the world championship in body painting twice for no reason.

We got to work together last night, and as always, it was magic.

I singlehandedly thank him for saving my photographic sanity.

All photographers should have a friend like Alex.

Thank you alex.

good to know i'm not the only one...

August 26, 2009. 12:56AM. Dear Diary: I can't believe it! Ever since I've started posting semi-nude self-portraits on Flickr back in 2005, I've been flooded with international sexual opportunities! Can my perfectly rounded scoops of flesh and my unyeilding neurotic preoccupation with sex, sexy thoughts and all things sexual (for that matter)really cause such a stir?

Dr. Jo

DRK:

Hahaha! I feel like I've just read a "spam mail" heading!

"My intentions are good, I use my intuition, it takes me for a ride," sang John Lennon. How fitting. I think.

Anyway, this is hilarious.

Dr. Jo:

My breasts have become completely unresponsive to any and all attempts to cajole them back to Fucker. I mean Flickr.

HPK:

hahah! Yep. My hooters have been hiding behind a well padded facade for a while now. Ignorance is oddly blissful, but at times, suffocating. Flickr haunts and taunts me, but alas, mine are unresponsive as well. Don't worry dear Joanne, a few more weeks of bench presses and they will be popping out of your shirt - literally!!! lol !

Dr. Jo:

You too, HPK? My "relationship" with Flickr and the Flickr "audience" has undergone many transformations but it seems to be on the decline as of late. I wonder if that's all there is or simply, has my desire to be "out there" waned a bit? Perhaps I haven't any more to give...or I just like the "intimacy" of FB better? Dunno., but this is fine for now :)

HPK:

It's comforting to hear I'm not the only one going through this bizarre period. Flickr is a strange place now, crawling with bottom feeders trolling for porn in whatever crumb they can find. That's one big reason I didn't post my profile pic here there. Can you imagine how many foot freaks would fave that photo? Ewwwwee...

And I've noticed some of the people I had as contacts have "un-contacted" me. I feel a bit betrayed somehow. I exposed myself to them, they replied with love and support, and now it's as if i don't exist. (but that's a whole other bag of beans).
Transformation. A change of direction in our art? It's all so scary. What used to be my saving grace has now turned into a used kleenex. Why am i keeping it if it is just making my pocket all soggy? But It's more than a kleenex - it's a handkerchief really. And that always has sentimental value attached. So flicker, & style that defined me are my hanky. Toss, wash or keep? That is the question...

farm fresh

got a dozen corn from the market. Just picked this morning.

Omg. Talk about heavenly.

I will corn myself out in the next few weeks - only until the vendor runs out cause after labour day, they are gone until next season!

Tried freezing them last year - not a success story.

but I'm off to have another ear. Or two.

Oh sometimes it's the small joys in life that are worth living for.

Deep woods off

Came back from camping the other day.

God. It did us so much good to get away - into the woods, with nature, waking up and hearing the birds sing, the smell of fresh moist earth and wet leaves.

We are all meated out. Hamburgers, steak, and more steak. The best things on the bbq and so easy to make. BBQ season ends soon, thankfully. I've put on 10 pounds since the wedding. But i've enjoyed every mouthful of food that i've shoveled into my pie hole.

Putting up and taking down twice was a chore. We should have stayed at one site, but it was nice to see the rest of the park. First site - right off the water. It was my little fresh water ocean. Waves lapping against the weather-beaten rocks. The wind was refreshing. Kept the mosquitos away too. Nature's insect repellant.

Next site - deep in the belly of the forest. Waking up to a sea of green and dark bark. Nothing like it. Watching log burning tv live was simply bliss.

We got eaten alive. Especially me - welts all over my body. Some infected. Think i might be allergic to black fly stings. There must have been one that snuck into the tent. He must be a fat happy motherfucker today.

Dreamt of my father's father - he was carrying bibles and was waiting in some hallway to an office space with meeting rooms off on the side (hmm. purgatory perhaps?) and holding bibles. Funny and ironic. He was a communist in real life. Perhaps he switched his views while stepping out of his body. Too many iron clad ideas to carry along into the next dimension.

He spoke to me - as always, without words. Was very happy to see me. I didn't waste any time telling him all about my father, how much of an asshole he had been, become, the whole wedding fiasco, how he left me and mom high and dry. I let it all out - without holding back. He had to know that his "perfect son" was not without some really huge ass flaws.

I was so bowled over by his reaction. Utter and complete sadness. He kept on apologizing, over and over again, saying how he never knew and could not believe how he could have brought up such an angry man. Clutching his bibles, eyes watering, repeating like a mantra: "I'm so so very sorry. I never knew". In the distance, i saw a fading apparition of staranka, and thought to myself, "she set up this meeting for me. I had a funny feeling she would..."

A few days later, dreamt of Starenka. Had not dreamt of her since she died, which is odd for me since dead people show up in my dreams not long after they die to tell me how good they are doing, and how they are watching out for me. She looked so well, rosy cheeks, glowing smile, wearing the crazy tacky costume jewelry I gave her with so much pride.

She told me how happy she was that i came to visit her in her new home. Nurses and social workers buzzed about, all smiling and laughing with her. What a wonderful atmosphere. Always the social butterfly, she alternated talking to me with arranging her seating area, giving away candy to the nurses. Nothing much had changed, except she was finally at peace.

I felt a sense of relief, of warmth surround us. She told me not to worry, that she was looking out for me and my mom. With arms wide open, I walked into a warm grandmotherly hug and she was wheeled away down the hall.

Turns out mom dreamt of her too, the same night while mom was at a country house with me and my friends. "I've come to visit and I've brought some of my friends. I hope you don't mind, we are going to stay five days!". Mom was happy, but also knew she had a lot of work ahead with 8 people to feed and entertain, but was grateful for the visit.

"I'm always working. Even in my dreams. No wonder i wake up tired every morning" mom said after sharing her memory with me today.

And today, despite the infected bug bites, the sweltering humidity in the city, and mounds of dirty stinky clothes left from camping waiting to be washed, i feel happy and calm.

It's nice to get these kinds of visits. Even if they are only through our dreams.

Note to self, deep woods off is absolute crap.

what do you do?

what do you do when the love is gone?

when there is no passion, no spark, just jealousy?

Anger, disappointment?

When the one that made you feel whole, alive now makes you long for the past?

What happens when those memories are too painful to relive, revisit?

I am seriously considering selling my camera.

There is no joy in my photography anymore. There is no excitement, no reward.

A craft that i once attributed to saving my life has now become my poison.

It's so sad. The feeling is bittersweet, as if i am saying goodbye to a lover who has been my secret confidant. But I must move on.

Every time I hear about people around me, people who i know getting all this attention for their photography, a weekend hobby and a shitty 80$ digital camera, that makes me sad. I spent years on the craft. The art. Somebody just comes along, shoots off 600 images, and yes, because the law of odds allows them chance, get a good shot out of the bunch, be praised and honored - makes 10 + years of study, toil and tears jump out the window.

There is a big difference between somebody who personally invests in their art, the creative process, and people who are just bored, curious or lazy. I'm tired of fighting. I have done enough in the past few months to last ten lifetimes.

But i can't help but feel a deep sense of loss, abandonment, fear.

When i come back from camping, i'm going to put my camera and equipment up for sale. The money i make from it could go far in getting me a ticket to Europe. Perhaps to Greece. I need to make a profound change. I need to cut out my own psychological cancer that has been ravaging my body for some time.

Thank you photography, you have been very special to me, but now i must move on.

I no longer recognize you anymore, and that's a pity.

swelling etc...

got to see the doc today - the swelling in my armpits has continued. It comes and goes, but it's been around for a while now. And then, this morning, the swelling under my chin, near my neck.

I have been losing my memory - forgetting little things, words, places, spacing out.

My joints have been aching - something terrible.

And peeing. So much peeing. No burning, just urgency and frequency.

so many symptoms, so many possible diseases.

I'm trying so hard not to think of worst case scenario right now. I don't have the energy, but when i saw the look of concern on my doctor's face this afternoon, i could not help but wonder.

so off to see stomach doc 2mrw, and blood tests for regular doc on friday.

I'm hoping that my vacation next week will be trouble and dire news message free while i am away...

a letter from a friend way down south

Y has to be one of the most spiritual people i know. She is an incredible woman and from her, have learned so much about life.

She is a wise sage, a patient mentor and her advice on this issue has opened the door to peace and acceptance.

Thank you Y so very very much.

I am glad you wrote. I have had a rough week here and couldn't write anything positive. We have had a lot of rain here so my fibromyalgia was very bad and the pain was excruciating, and at work I don't have air conditioning which is unbearable on hot and humid days which makes me crazy working at the mental hospital! I love New mexico but it is the Third world here for the most part so all that I like about less developed places sometimes makes it hard to live here , too.

I have thought a lot about your situation with your father and I am going to say it as is. Hpk, your father does not behave like a mature adult, he behaves as if you owe him something all the time. He is what is called in the mental health world, a person suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder. they always feel they deserve more than others and feel they should be praised, noticed, entertained, honored for just being alive, and they feel they should do nothing to deserve that, and when they don't get the attention they want, they get vindictive.

Check the Wikipedia entry for narcissistic personality disorder. My mother was like that, and also very physically and emotionally abusive, and the only way I can think of dealing with her memory is to remember that she couldn't be an adult, a stable mother because she had a very serious personality disorder that she wasn't willing to work on to be a better person. Without having met your father, but having heard of his behavior from your mom and you, I think I can safely say that he also has a personality disorder and is not willing to be humble, forgiving, or self critical to make peace with his own life and family.

It's a shame, but that is his karma and his choice, and at some level, we chose to be born to an inadequate parent or (2 in my case) because we needed at a karmic level to learn about independence, to think in more creative ways, to learn about a certain kind of suffereing and be there for others who also have similar karma. that is how I deal with the situation, and I still grieve for parents I never had, the childhood or adulthood love and life direction I never had, but I try to accept it and look at my survival and my good relationship with my husband as a blessing and success and try to make peace with it.

I am especially grateful for your mother's presence in my life because she was an older female friend that listened to me, was present as a friend, and genuinely liked me through the years when I lived with a deep sadness that I wasn't loveable because my own mother didn't love me.

You have a wonderful man in your life, your husband, and it is all right to be a parent to each other spometimes as well as a spouse. Nathan and I are like that with each other, and we value each other espcially because we will forever be refugees from our strange childhoods, and we talk about the childhoods and youth we could have had if we had met each other earlier, and this fantasy is also very healing with us.


I will call your mom, tonight. I think of her all the time. I really don't understand why she is going through this. I don't know. god does work in mysterious ways and everyone's life path and spiritual journey is mysterious insome ways. i don't know why suffering happens. i wish i did. this is a very deep question, all I know is that I try to remind myself to be grateful for being alive, being alive one more day and to enjoy beauty.

I really think you need to connect with a cancer support group as a caretaker, you need to share your burden. And yes, most people will duck when things get rough, and yes I have experienced it in my life many times.

It would be good for you and E and your mom to look at finances, long term plans, Plan A and Plan B, and Plan C, to evaluate what you all can live with, what you can't, what is your bottom line, at least as you can identify them for now (because life does change all that as well), so that you feel empowered by having discussed the undiscussables! There is big relief in that as well; check all the programs, services, obligations etc around your situation. That is also something a based cancer survivor group might help you with.