fingers and toes

Awful dream early this morning -
perhaps it is a way of my brain trying to process all this information and emotions that i have been dealing with the past few days?

nonetheless, it's disturbing as hell.

I was in a warehouse. Run down, smelling of urine and wet rags, damp and cold. There had been some sort of concert. By the looks of the people who had attended, i would hazard a guess to say it was some sort of punk/grunge band. Perhaps borderline death metal/cyber punk. The sun was coming up, but the inside of the hangar was grey and shady. People walked around each other, solemnly, disturbed, silent, and dazed. Something horrible had just happened and I was plunked down right in mid step of the action.

Near the back wall, close to a steel door frame which opened out onto another huge room, young girls, and men built like oxen wept beside one another uncontrollably. Half a dozen forensic police members strode in and out of the "room". Police stood outside of the door to "the room", but it seemed that nobody was even remotely curious as to what had happened.

Or perhaps they were too terrified to look.

A rugged weather worn cop nearly walked into me, his head hanging low, stubbly chin pressed against his bulletproof vest.

"Miss, you don't want to go in there."
"What's going on?"
Deep sigh, and wiping the beads of sweat from his forehead he whispered: "I've seen some shit in my time, bad stuff, but this is fucking up even the Captain, and he's been in 'Nam..."


The sounds of chunky puke splashing onto the wet pavement bounced off the walls next to me. I moved away from the corner because the stench was making me hallucinate.

Goth kings and their court jesters dragged their Doc Martens solemnly. Solitary mumbles punctuated the low rumble of disbelief and horror.

What the fuck was going on?!

I wanted to know. I wanted to see. Although my gut said to stay behind and wait for the evening news, my curiosity got the best of me and would not settle for a dinner time homogenized version of this circus of horror.

"I have to warn you, it's nothing like you have ever seen before", came a rumbling staccato voice from over my head. Blocking out the light with his mohawk, backlight like a monolith, the embers from his cigarette fell onto his steel capped boots.

"You look at it, and think - it's not real, but look at her face, into her eyes. Then you'll know that it's not a dream."

Pause. Sounds of tobacco leaves shriveling between his lips.

"It will change you..."

A desperate humidity of panic and paralysis began to press against my skin. More people, yet even more fear began to fill this room with official mechanically weaving in and out of "the room". With each wave, a new story. Another gory detail. Another ziplock bag of death.


Folded like an oriental swan, limbs akimbo, a young woman, could not have been more than 20 years old. Ink black hair, like wet cellophane, covered her translucent  face. I could not see her eyes. Downcast and not blinking. I could have sworn that she had fallen from the sky - landed a disjointed mannequin from an anime cartoon.  Motionless, speechless, lifeless. But she was alive. Hallucinatory rigor, catatonic shock. And the blood. It was everywhere.

Blood so red it was almost black. Deep glossy patent leather textures in the pools that so delicately encircled her, but in my line of sight stood people in yellow HazMat suits. Chemical astronauts examining, walking around this stench of decomposing rot and bile.

Over the murmurs, a delicate voice, matter of factly stating the obvious.
"She puked up the hands, feet. All the toes, one by one. And then she pulled out the skin, like a rope out from her mouth".

Wailing.
Weeping.
Shuffling feet and medics with their yellow toolboxes and oxygen tanks into the direction of the chaos.

Is this true? I asked myself.
"It's the worst thing I have ever fucken seen..."
Apparently, I think out loud.

Beneath a plastic helmet, visor muffling his voice, the forensic photographer began to review his photos.
"wanna see?"


pause.
Gasp.

"Maybe not such a good idea."
Turning his camera off, he removed his headpiece with is free hand. Blinking several times, he began to refocus on my expression and paused.
"I am going to pass the sorting of these things onto somebody else. My day is done. Perhaps so is my career..."

"What happened?"
"She ate somebody. Whole. I had to keep from shitting myself after somebody had called me over to take a picture of the eyeballs."

My deep breaths turned into a mild hyperventilation.
Calm, calm. It's just a dream...

"Who is she?"
Trench coat detective with 50 pounds to lose waddled over to me.
"Nobody knows. Nobody knows."
Silence
Listing the events, he continued: "She apparently stumbled in shitfaced drunk off her ass, fell to the floor, began to scream and convulse. That ain't your typical tv dinner either..."


The smell. 
Oh God. The smell.
It began to strip the hairs from my nose. Rancid turpentine mixed with blood and boric acid. 100 feet away was now beginning to be too close.

it's just a dream, it's just a dream...

I had begun to employ a technique that I had modified based on the way Ceasar Milan trains aggressive animals. Same principle - when the dog begins to "change gears", from passive to aggressive, a simple touch, or yank of the chain will metaphorically snap the dog's mind back into neutral again.

Immediate and instantaneous distraction.

The moment i began to focus on the details, the pencil thin painted fingernails, the round stubby toes covered in yellow chunks of puke and beer, SNAP!
I visually touched that image and shrunk it down to a small grey balloon, and then popped it.

gone!

I had to do this several times. Every element was so overwhelming. The sounds, the smells, the visuals. Each thing had to be tacked separately. One by one. A laborious and disturbing task because each grey balloon quickly re-inflated to its original size and vivid image over and over again. But after what seemed to be several painful minutes, i was able to walk backwards from where i came, touching each pocket of visual information and shrink it down to a lump of coal the size of a paperweight.

Backing out of the warehouse, i shrunk that down and said: "you will never bother me again. I get rid of you and all your disturbing images. You have no more power over me."

funny, as i type this and remember these elements, I feel as if i am an impartial observer to this hallucinatory circus. The images, albeit disturbing, are not mine anymore. I have no more ownership of them, therefore do not own me.



Oh what i would not do for a NORMAL night of happy dreams and peaceful sleep!!!

fat, old and ugly

e and I went out for dinner - actually had a nice evening
came back home and there was this couple in their late 40's - early 50's who were making out on a car in front of the house like two kids. She had him pinned against the passenger door, he was shorter but as stout, and they cooed like too horny pigeons.

"ah, get a room" I said out of earshot.
"they don't look like they are newlyweds, and probably not married to eachother"
I've seen infidelity - first hand with my father and his girlfriend during their early years and this was exactly what it looked like.

E replied: "if I wanted to see two fat, old and ugly people making out, i would just have to look into the mirror".

silence


I almost flipped, but was too stunned to speak

"and what in the fucken hell do you mean by that?"

pause

"I was only speaking about myself"

pause

"oh thank you so very much."

silence


???

"I was talking about myself, I put on 8 pounds in 8 weeks"
" well, I've not been to the gym in two weeks and have put on 8 pounds since then - so...?"

pause

"and old, well there's nothing we can do about that"

silence

"I didn't mean it that way"

sure you didn't...
In every sarcastic remark lies a grain of truth.

and it's bad enough that I'm having (and have had for most of my life) issues about my body, skin losing its elasticity, fine lines turning into deep crevices and over all time flying by faster than the speed of light, i now had to hear this from the man who is supposed to love me?

nice

thank you very fucken much

now I'm off to poke at the rolling layers of old skin hanging from my sagging breasts and imagine what they would look like if I sucked all this slovenly fat from my abdomen into these puppies who should be put down very soon

NeuroSkeptic

Critical information on something I have been thinking a lot about.

Thanks Neuroskeptic for the information!

Saturday, 2 January 2010

"Cortical Stimulation" for Depression

The last decade saw a number of new experimental treatments for depression based around the idea of using electricity to alter brain function - deep brain stimulation (DBS), vagus nerve stimulation (VNS), and transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS).

The mechanics of these technologies differ, but they're all being promoted as options for "treatment-resistant depression" - depression which hasn't responded to more conventional approaches. They're also alike in that their usefulness is uncertain - either because there have been no randomized-controlled trials (DBS), or because the results of randomized trials are mixed at best (TMS,VNS).

Now there's a new kid on the neurostimulatory block: epidural prefrontal cortical stimulation (EpCS). This involves implanting electrodes beneath the skull, but above the meninges, the "skin" surrounding the brain. So it's unlike deep brain stimulation (DBS), in which the electrodes are placed inside the brain itself.

Late last year, Nahas et al reported on EpCS in a paper,Bilateral Epidural Prefrontal Cortical Stimulation for Treatment-Resistant Depression. They took 5 severely depressed patients, with either major depression or bipolar disorder, who'd all tried many treatments and experienced no benefit:

The mean age was 44.2 years. Four were women, and three were diagnosed with recurrent major depressive disorder; two others had bipolar affective disorder I, depressed type. All were unemployed, and three were receiving disability. The average length of depressive illness was 25.6 years. The average length of the current depressive episode was 3 years, 7 months ... participants had received an average of 9.8 unsuccessful clinical treatments during the current major depressive episode ... They enrolled in the study taking on average 6 psychotropic drugs.

Electrodes were implanted bilaterally over the "anterior and midlateral frontal cortex". This is as sensible a place to stimulate as any, although we really don't know what these parts of the brain do, or how they relate to depression. Nor do we know what "60 Hz, 2–4 V, 30 min on/ 2.5 hours off from 8 AM to 10 PM." stimulation does to these areas.

2 weeks after surgery the electricity was turned on, and the stimulation was then optimized over 2-3 weeks. Did it work? Out of the 5 patients, one didn't get any better, two felt somewhat better, and two were greatly improved at the end of the study 7 months post-op. And there were no major side effects or cognitive changes; one patient got a bacterial infection, but it was treatable. Hurrah!

But hang on. There was no control group, so the improvement could have been due to the placebo effector, more likely, the passage of time. The guy with the single best response, Subject 2, was as depressed as ever during the first 4 months, but then improved dramatically by month 7. It may not be a coincidence that this subject was bipolar. Bipolar people who are depressed eventually stop being depressed - that's kind of the point.

Indeed, all of the others who improved did so between 2 weeks and 4 months after the stimulation was started, not straight away. So it's not like flicking a switch and turning off the depression... but on the other hand it'sexactly that if you listen to what the patients say during the operation itself.

They reported feeling happier and less anxious as soon as the current was turned on (they weren't told when this was, so this is unlikely to have been a placebo effect). Some said things like

“I feel attentive,” “feel better and I can talk now,” “I can think clearer.” A patient noted during anterior frontal pole stimulation feeling as if a “weight [was] lifting off my shoulder,” “I feel calm”; another stated, “and although I am worried, I feel
dissociated from it. I can think back at my worry.”

Subject 2, the guy who got much better a long time after the operation, was the only patient who didn'tenjoy any nice effects during the operation itself, which only adds to my suspicions that he would have got better anyway.

What does all this mean? It's hard to say. The results are very similar to those seen with DBS for depression - patients report suddenly feeling happier as soon as the current is turned on during the operation (the only placebo-controlled aspect of the trials), but afterwards the improvement seems gradual, taking weeks or months.

There's two main ways of interpreting this. The optimistic view is that stimulating the right bits of the brain instantly treats depression, and the apparent "time lag" in improvement after the operation is a product of the fact that when someone's been depressed for so long, as these patients have, it takes time for them to readjust to normal life even once they start feeling much better.

The pessimistic view is that stimulating the brain doesn't treat depression, it just causes a "high" which doesn't last very long, and the subsequent slow, gradual improvement would have happened anyway.

This is why we need randomized controlled trials. Nahas et al note that there has been one randomized controlled trial of EpCS for depression, comparing active EpCS to placebo EpCS with the electrodes switched off. It hasn't been published yet, but a preliminary analysis found no difference between the two conditions - it didn't work. And that trial was more than twice as big as this one (12 patients vs. 5). But, they point out, in that trial only the left side of the brain was stimulated, whereas they stimulated both sides.

Overall, just like DBS, EpCS could be either a great leap forward or a waste of time, money and neurosurgery. Hopefully, by the end of this decade, we'll know. Watch this space.

emotionally, I am exhausted

Emotionally, I am exhausted.
I can't fight anymore. I have been waddling in and carrying too much pain for too long.

The anger has eroded away my life, and now, this broken container needs to be repaired and filled with happiness and love again.

that is all i ever wanted
that is all anybody ever wants

what was and what will never be
what will and what won't
was out of my hands
is out of my hands

exhausted, I am emotionally...

insane

the wind is whipping the snow across the streets like an rabid and terrified angry mob.

The sun is trying to peek through the thick translucent veil of luminescent haze.

Can you hear the muffled wailing through the wind?


the pain is unbearable.

the snow squall is beginning to slow down again

flash flood of frozen condensation

and my pain, it comes and goes, weakens and strengthens in intensity, not dependent on anything except chance and fate

the rhythms of the body and mother earth
different yet so much the same

the same
the same
yet different...

on the horizon

on the horizon
more tests

an MRI
perhaps exploratory surgery


MRI done privately, the doctor expressed concern and said that it was the only way to go

exploratory surgery - if the pain stays this bad, or gets worse, we might have to do it through the ER.

pretty serious.
Medical mystery.

Where is House when you need him ???!

what does it mean?

All tests are back normal.
what does it all mean?
The pain is very real and is not going away.


Onto opinion # 6 this afternoon. So many doctors I've lost count.

Dizzy from the pain meds.
Woken up by the roof guys at 7am.
Sleepless night.



Found out from my friend that she is going back to her home country after 15 years of being in the city. It's sad, because we had that falling out, and she had called a few weeks ago to apologize. But then i got sick and did not get a chance to speak with her. She leaves for two months on Friday, comes back and then moves.

Kinda sad. We had a lot of good times.

I can't help but thinking of when she said: "Girl, we never hang out anymore. When we are 70 and sitting on our balcony knitting, we will say: 'oh we should have hung out more, ran around the city together.' "

and now i'm sad, because it is too late to get those days back. It's too late to go back in time and re-start from scratch. Sure, there is skype, but it's not the same thing. I feel as if I'm loosing not only a best friend, but a part of my family. That a lot of family to lose in one year. Very sad. Sometimes you just have to let go of things that could have been but won't be anymore. Hang on to the good times. That's what I'm doing. At least we had good times.

at least we had those...

nothing will ever really matter

nothing will ever really matter

that fragmented beyond repair

are my fragile and delicate bones

of sadness and despair

shards of reality encrusted in

shadows of murky dreams

I find disconsolate evidence

of vindictive accusatory scenes

try to justify the essence -

this complete notion of excuse

your brainwashed reality

is filled exquisite abuse

locked by the will of your own

and poetically die from the pain

torn between cheap little lies

your prerogative will sadly remain

in this universe to survive

enlightened, alive with no guilt

exist on the lies of this house

that you have so carefully built

despite your oblique description

of what is black or is white

nobody is fundamentally worth

the ultimate price of this fight

so in the end

nothing will ever really matter,

but on you will that depend

what you will decide

but this pain i will transcend

seriously!?

r u serious?

I was selected as a semi-finalist in this contest!? Really?

I mean, really?

That's no small bananans cause there is lots of competition on this site.

really?

i think that is incredibly cool, and makes me smile despite the fact that I think i have a stalker.

I will be meeting some people next week for self defense courses. Seriously paranoid. Better to air on the side of caution.

seriously...

my boat, my rules...

I almost fell off my chair when I saw this. 


I have been known to talk in my sleep as well, but this is too too funny!!

I have made it public that i'm following this couple's evening adventures.

my boat, my rules...

you are here...

Your truth, your decision, your best interest...

you are here...

Evil is the interruption of a truth by the pressure of particular or individual interests.


Alain Badiou






.

Bitterness.

Oh Daily Ohm,

the stories you teach us...

January 20, 2010 Bitterness Lifting Pain's Veil It is natural to feel resentment or anger when life does not unfold as expected. We consciously or unconsciously anticipated one experience, and we grieve for the loss of it when the universe puts something else in our path. Most of the time, we work through these feelings and they pass. Occasionally, our anger and resentment do not fade and are instead transformed into bitterness. Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. Yet as unwholesome as bitterness can be, it is also a natural element of our emotional palette. When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it. The nature of bitterness is rooted in the fact that the pain we feel provides us with a rationale. We may feel that we deserve to embrace our bitterness to its full extent. And to be bitter is, in essence, to cut ourselves off from all that is positive, hardening our hearts and vowing never to let go of our hurt. But just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls. Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve.

yea...

Aries, January 2010

Your Month Ahead: It is all too easy to develop tunnel vision. We get so wrapped up in our dramas, problems and our day-to-day lives that we forget the existence of the wider world. Things that seem desperately important to one group of people are almost laughably irrelevant to another. You will get, in January, a chance to adjust your perspective and to view a far larger horizon. This won't remove the need to tackle a pressing, personal matter, but it will help you return to it with renewed clarity. 2010 begins with a retrograde Mars - but after a slow, uncertain start, you'll soon gain momentum, enthusiasm, confidence and success. 2010 is here

New Medication and New attention

So two more antibiotics at the same time for 14 days. Serious infection = serious meds. Might have to go for another CT scan, another ultrasound till we get to the bottom of things. Very disconcerting, but I am delighted despite all this health crap that is going on.

Two big things - artween.com
I'm the "artist of the week". Not bad I say.
I guess there are people out there who consider my art worth a look. My stuff will be up for a week. This is the same place that two art galleries saw my work - Ukraine and Morocco. I've been putting out the feelers to Germany, the UK, Island, UAE and Japan, all of whom I think might be interested in my photography.

Hell, if I've had +5 shows in New York city (including one solo photography show), my work must be good...

And also got 3 pieces into a HUGE event taking place this weekend at one of the conference centers here in the city.

Huge...
And this time, I'm not selling my stuff short either. 1000$ and up per piece.
This group has money to throw at this kind of art, and I'm hoping that somebody will take the leap and buy something.

Individuals in Seattle, Detroit, Arizona, New York, Toronto now own my art,  but not in my own city.

Weird.
Hopefully that will change this weekend...


But alas, some people think my work is obscene, low brow and offensive...


whatever...



My new year's resolution - be fearless and don't let the "bastards get you down."

Art is a nasty business, and I think after all these years, i've paid my dues.

It's a real disease and the pain, it's very real as well...

What Causes Fibromyalgia?

There's plenty of speculation but no clear answers yet about what causes this mysterious and increasingly prevalent pain condition

By Kate Lowenstein

While there is a lot of ongoing speculation about what triggers fibromyalgia, its causes have yet to be definitively identified and confirmed. Recent research has generally found that fibromyalgia is most likely a result of what scientists call central sensitization, or unusual responses in the nervous system with regard to pain perception.

Fibromyalgia's Biochemical Triggers
"The [current] consensus is that fibromyalgia is not a problem with the muscles, joints, or tendons, but rather a problem with the central nervous system," says Dr. Bruce Solitar, clinical associate professor of medicine in the division of rheumatology at NYU Medical Center/Hospital for Joint Diseases in New York. While it's easy to think that pain felt by someone who has experienced no physical damage to the body might be categorized as purely psychosomatic, the sensations that a fibromyalgia patient experiences are as real as any other pain.

This was clearly demonstrated when researchers did MRI imaging of patients with fibromyalgia. When they pressed on certain areas of the participants' bodies, they found dramatically increased activity in the pain center of the brain. One theory attributes this phenomenon to an increased release of Substance P, the chemical that activates nerves when there is a painful stimulus. "In fibromyalgia patients, Substance P is being released even in the absence of a painful stimulus. And there seems to be an amplified release when there is a painful stimulus," explains Dr. Solitar. In addition, the brain's regulatory effect, which sends "down signals" to turn off pain, also appears to be abnormal in people with fibromyalgia — so when a painful stimulus does occur, it gets amplified rather than dampened.

Fibromyalgia's Physical and Emotional Triggers 
So what causes the nervous system to malfunction in such a way? Scientists aren't sure, but a number of conditions have been linked to the development of fibromyalgia. These include:

Infection. The Epstein-Barr virus, influenza, and hepatitis B and C have all been implicated in the development of fibromyalgia. "These viruses may have [long-term] effects on the immune system. It's also possible that viral particles attach to glial cells, which are cells within the brain that affect neurotransmission [and influence the pain response]," says Dr. Solitar. Additionally, there is a well-established connection between Lyme disease and fibromyalgia: Some patients who have been treated for Lyme — and ostensibly recover from it — continue to experience the unusually high frequency of unprovoked pain that characterizes fibromyalgia.

Trauma. Sometimes the development of fibromyalgia is linked to physical injury, especially in the upper spinal region. In other cases, it's associated with great emotional stress, like the death of a family member or the loss of a job. The possible link between these unrelated types of trauma is the neurohormonal change that both physical injury and emotional stress can trigger. Psychological processes can change — and can be changed by — alterations in the function of hormone-regulating centers like the hypothalamus and the pituitary and adrenal glands, which in turn affect the nervous system.

Fibromyalgia's Other Common Threads
"Fibromyalgia has been associated with all age groups, though women between the ages of 30 and 50 have a higher incidence of the disease," says Dr. Solitar. While this increased prevalence among younger females suggests a hormonal connection, he says it's also possible that it's related to diagnosis. "Women tend to [naturally] be more tender [or sensitive to pain] than men, so if you base your diagnosis on tender points, you're likely to diagnose more women with fibromyalgia than men."

Genes. Found in approximately 2 percent of the U.S. population (3.4 percent of women and 0.5 percent of men), fibromyalgia often develops in multiple members of the same families, although it's not clear if this is the result of genetic or environmental effects. "Family members of people with fibromyalgia seem to be more tender than others," says Dr. Solitar, "but there isn't a lot of conclusive genetic research out there."

Still a mystery. In many cases, why fibromyalgia strikes is still largely unknown. "For a lot of patients, we don't come up with a good explanation for the development of fibromyalgia," Dr. Solitar notes. "We all get exposed to stress regularly. And while trauma and infections do seem to be a common [fibromyalgia] theme, there are a lot of people who just slowly develop a sense of feeling poorly."

medicate me

after a week of the emergency wards of the hospitals here being my revolving door, it took me fainting from the unbearable pain to get admitted in the hospital (2nd time's a charm...)


Complications. Medications.
Waiting, waiting.

I feel as if I have been run over by a steam roller.
One week of blinding skin-ripping-open pain has exhausted me.

At least I've got pills, and was able to walk out of the E.R (well, wheeled out).

Close call indeed.

There may be complications down the line because somebody missed the diagnosis. Some things you just have no power over I guess. Not even your own body.

we shall see.
Rest rest and rest.

The painkillers are making me manic and induce anxiety attacks. Trading apples for oranges - mental pain or physical pain. Which is the lesser of the two evils?

i refuse

i refuse
so many things
so many ways
but i refuse
to betray myself

A rant to a community

Sore, angry and scared as hell, i posted this onto an online community here in town. I know i'm not the only one. I was not looking for answers, just to vent. But now fear and deeper pain inside of me grows. A long grueling weekend ahead.

Oh yea, E said he got an email from my father. Read the first line and decided not to go on any further. "We don't need this today".

Oh how right he is.

and just like my impending diagnosis, i wait with strained and anxious baited breath to hear what has to be said....

RANT


I just came back from the Royal hospital and it was a nightmare.

First, one of the emergency medical team guys was an arrogant asshole (he was making snide comment, saying that "if you were in that much pain, you would not be smiling..." 

i was just trying to be pleasant cause he was being such a douche...


and then went on to argue with me saying that "fibromyalgia" was not a "real disease" (i have it, and it's hell..), and then doubled over, i see a doctor who does a vague exam, pokes my stomach, as i yelp in pain and then says, "well, everything looks okay, why don't you take a few Tylenol and come back if you vomit or have a fever"  and was shipped out.

No blood tests, no nothing.


The last time I was flippantly discharged like this was 5 years ago after having complications with my gallbladder. The next day, i passed out in the shower, was rushed back to the hospital and was almost in severe kidney failure. Was actually being fast tracked for a transplant. Very serious...

my mom had cancer in her lungs, stomach, lymph nodes. Guess what doc? She didn't have a fever or was vomiting...


but I go back because other people have had good experiences there and all of my specialist are at the Royal V. All my files, blood tests, etc. Easy access especially if you are me with all the things i have going on...


So after this "f*&k you", from Dr. Bitchy, i hobbled over to see my stomach specialist who luckily was in the building. He was in the middle of a marathon colononcopy/gastroscopy session, but took the time to see me anyway. He was flabbergasted that i was not given so much as a blood test. He ordered some and is also setting me up for a CT scan next week. "If i do it through the emerg, you can get it next week. Otherwise you will be waiting months, and in your condition, I don't think that's a good idea..."

But he only does stomachs and i have another lady problem. My gyno said nothing short of "you are wasting my time", did the quickest exam, (I blinked and almost missed it) and brushed me off, despite me almost begging for her to give me any kind of blood test. After some arm twisting, she sent me for an ultrasound.

It's only today that I found out from a friend that she recently misdiagnosed one of her patients - and completely missed the ovarian cancer that was spreading like wildfire.

My GP is only available once a week (and my luck, is now on vacation) and every other walk in clinic i have gone to (don't go to Mount medical. It's a Nightmare!!) is staffed with doctors who are jaded and flippant about their jobs. One actually complained that he was not getting paid enough and did not have a clue why he was still in the medical profession.


Don't get me started on the JGeneral...


I kid you not - when my mom was in the emergency there, I saw a doctor who was yelling, I mean YELLING at the top of his lungs to all the nurses at the station. Serious prima donna temper tantrum. No wonder these poor nurses are burning out!

So is anybody else out there worried about the state of our current medical system?

Is the only way to go private?

http://www.ratemds.com/ has some interesting comments on some of our doctors. I suggest you check it out.

And as you would guess, the private doctors are the ones who actually care about their jobs. Money talks, and apparently in this case, heals too.

But if you don't have the cash...???




I'm sorry if I'm ranting, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with horror stories.

to be clear - I'm NOT LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, just support i guess...

and so the saga continues...

e got an email from dad.
Blew us both out of the water.

he wants to meet with him next week.

I was absolutely floored.

I was sure that with e's last email, it was kinda "take that and think about it/goodbye" and that would have been the end of it.

Well, we were all wrong.

So we will see what he has to say.

I'm happy i held off sending my email. It was harsh and would have been quite painful for anybody to read, but shit. Has he not caused me pain enough? Why should i be so careful not to hurt his feelings?

Cause I'm a suck and too sentimental.


Mom was surprised when I told her the news.



silence

"I want to hear what he has to say, at least this one last time. Obviously e's email affected him enough to want him to give his two cents in. He's avoided meeting with him for the past year. There must be something "important" he has to say. I don't want to jeopardize not finding this out by you sending an that (irate) email"

silence

and the silence continued
she pouted and I asked why

"I'm going to drop this now cause you don't want to hear what I have to say"

whatever.


"I don't need any more of this grief for fuck's sake!"
weeping into E's arm, those broken words fell out of my mouth.

"why does this not end?"

I wonder if things would have just been more simple if we did decide to go our separate ways. Fini. End. Fin.

close book, move on.

but no.

I have a funny feeling that he wants to clear his conscience because he is going in for another round of chemo treatment.

well, so did I, but at what cost?


I can't help but remembering when we were going through the "Settlement" for him to pay child support. It was getting ugly and i was, as always, in the middle.

He showed up to my work and asked to talk to me. Knees weak and queazy stomach i forced myself to listen.

"don't get involved in this hpk. It's between your mom and myself."

"whatever"

and I went back to doing my own thing. Working. Hoping that he would just disappear.


but he didn't, and it got ugly.

Those scars are still fresh, and I can't help but to think that I'm reliving that shit all over again.

I just want peace.

I'm too tired to fight anymore.

sock puppets - real astrology

Aries Horoscope for week of December 31, 2009

One of my favorite landscape painters makes a livable wage from selling her art. She has had many gallery showings and has garnered much critical acclaim. That's the good news. The bad news is that she feels obligated to keep churning out more landscape paintings -- even when her muse nudges her to take a detour into, say, abstract expressionism or surrealistic portraits. Galleries don't want anything from her except the stuff that has made her semi-famous. "Sometimes I fantasize about creating a series of 'Sock Puppet Monkeys Playing Poker,'" she told me. If she were an Aries, I'd advise her to do what I think you should do in 2010: Listen to what your version of the sock puppet monkeys are urging you to do.

Your year ahead Aries...

Interesting.
This guy has been bang on in the past few years. Let's hope that he is right this time...


Aries Aries, Year Ahead 2010

Mars, for the first few months of 2010, will be in a sector of the sky that governs your ability to explore, to embark on adventure... and to take risks. As Mars prepares to move on, Jupiter enters Aries. That too, says something about success, opportunity and excitement. Compare and contrast all this with the mood of the world this time last year. This time last year, you were apprehensive, not just because of all you saw in the news, but because you had doubts about an important arrangement in your personal life. If we're honest, you expected things to be a lot worse than they turned out to be. That tells us something about expectation!

The cosmos, in 2010, wants to bring you a sense of deep satisfaction. To get that, you have to drop some of your aspirations and adjust some priorities. You've got more meaningful objectives to pursue. Following those dreams won't make you immune to challenge, difficulty or struggle. But it is going to make you determined to make more of your gifts and talents. You're aware of some of these. You're in denial of others.

You really do now need to turn around your whole idea about what you are capable of. Learn to make the most of being in a winning situation because bit by bit the changes that occur will put you in that position. Be ready for this. Expect it. Make the kind of choices that a person would make if they had a great deal of what they wanted and were likely to get a lot more of it. Be responsible. Be generous. Be kind. And above all else, be inspired. This really is going to be special and pleasing.

nothing to lose...

nothing to lose...

I stumbled across this gallery during a blind search. I have no clue why i was so taken by this place, or what compelled me to write to them. It's now 4am. The fatigue has passed, but the itching feeling that something is about to happen is ripe in my gut. Movement. Progress. Forward propulsion. New directions in my art and the people who will see it.

Scary as all hell, but exciting as the shits...

So my email to them...
(and finally, to bed...)


As with many of my creative endeavors, my writings, as well as my photography, seem to evolve late at night, in the midst of a chaotic whirlwind of mental activity, verging on the precipice of panic and elation. So it is with much emotion and passion that I write this message to you.

My name is hpk and I am a self portrait specialist. I came across your gallery listing while updating my profile on artween.com. It was not too long ago that a gallery owner in New York City once told me that Berlin was the New York of the 21st century, and that my work would be much more appreciated across the ocean than it is in my own country. Hence, my late night web research into the European market. Perhaps it was fate that yours was the first gallery I stumbled upon during my blind search.

As an artist, i strive to translate my visions, emotions, creations into a universal language, stripped bare of trivialities, exposing the vulnerabilities of the human mind and soul. Each piece is a labor of love, and with each shutter click, a part of myself becomes infused with the final image.

As a photographer, and as somebody who suffers with manic depression, it has become a personal mission of sorts, to use my work as a springboard for dialogue, a vehicle for communication, and how through the use of art, i can hopefully foster an awareness about the stigma attached to mental illness.


And on your site, a quote:
An artist is in an unbreakable relation to his own cultural space and time. A reflection of this can always be found in the artwork, by the artist’s personal and subjective interpretation of the world around us.


I believe that i have become that artist. It has been a long road fraught with disappointments, blood sweat and tears, but as an individual who prides herself on the forever forward path of personal evolution, and it is my hope that you will see this in my work.

Unfortunately, I do not have a direct link to my artween site, but have just send you a message on your gallery site.

I thank you so very much for your time and look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Get over it...

Thank you Steven...

 This article is BRILLIANT!
A little longer than what I post here, but worth every word.



Part I: Nothing Is New, Get Over It.
By Steven GossSo you've decided to become an artist, now what? It sounds simple enough doesn't it? It's not as if you need much to be an artist. There's no test, and lucky for you, the idea of the talented artist went out the window several decades ago. Nowadays any Joe Palette can make a few bucks pedaling his artistic urges, no matter how lame they are. Don't believe me? Two words: Whitney Biennial.

First choose a material. You can't be an artist until you have one. It may also be beneficial to pick up a drinking habit, but it isn't required. Once you have a material, all you need is an idea. Now this is where it gets sticky. There are no new ideas in art. If you think you have a new idea, you don't. The only reason you think you have a new idea is because you're a new artist so you don't spend your time reading about art, you make it. As a result, most artists have a hard time accepting the fact that there are no new ideas. (Why else would there still be so many artists?)
At this point, you may be thinking, "Huh? But I just bought all of this Cadmium Yellow!" Now what? End it all in the name of art? Sorry Van Gogh, it's been done.

ARTIST KILLS HIMSELF/HERSELF AS ART:
While it is rumored that Rudolf Schwarzkogler bled to death during a performance where he sliced off strips of skin from his penis until there was nothing left, it's a rumor and nothing else. In actuality, he died when he either fell or jumped out of his bedroom window in 1969. But don't get too excited. Because on July 9, 1975, Jan Bas Ader began a performance piece entitled In Search of The Miraculous. The piece entailed Ader sailing across the Atlantic from Cape Cod, Massachusetts to Cornwall, England in a 13-foot sailboat. Needless to say, he didn't make it. As Barbara McKenna explained, "[Ader had] every expectation of success, [he] had arranged for a show documenting the feat at the Groeninger Museum in Amsterdam, and planned to exploit the success of the 60-day crossing with further exhibitions of material -- diaries, film, photography -- generated by the piece. Ader never reached his destination; six months later his boat was found half-submerged off the coast of Ireland."

Oh well, Ader beat you to the punch. Maybe you think you could put a spin on the artist killing himself or herself tactic and have the artist kill the viewer. Would this be a new idea? Nope, it's been done too.

ARTIST KILLS THE VIEWER AS ART:
OK, so it wasn't in the name of art, but its happened. And if it's happened, then it's been done. In 1983, Susan Edmondson was killed when a 500-pound iron sculpture by Beverly Pepper fell on top of her. Ouch! However, not be outdone, environmental artist Christo killed two people on completely different days in separate time zones with a work of art. On October 26, 1991, Lori Rae Keevil-Matthews was visiting Christo's umbrella project in Tejon Pass, California. The piece was an environmental project consisting of 1,760, 485-pound yellow umbrellas planted throughout the pass. As part of the project, Christo had also installed 1,340, 485-pound blue umbrellas in Ibaraki, Japan. Keevil-Matthews was killed by the piece after a 40 M.P.H. wind pulled up an umbrella and smashed her against a boulder. "Out of respect to her memory" Christo had both pieces taken down. On October 31, during the de-installation of the project in Japan, Masaaki Nakamura was electrocuted to death when the crane he was operating, which was in the process of removing a sculpture, touched a 65,000 volt high-tension line.

ARTIST TAKES LIVE CHICKEN, CUTS ITS HEAD OFF, STUFFS HEAD DOWN PANTS AND THEN USES ITS CARCASS TO PLAY PIANO:
In 1968 during the "Destruction in Art Symposium (DIAS)" at Judson Church, New York City, Ralph Ortiz performs The Life of Henny Penny. As Art in America described it, during this piece "Ortiz emerges [from a checkered blanket] with a live white chicken. The bird, tied by its feet to a rope suspended from the ceiling, is swung back and forth. After several swipes at it with a pair of hedge clippers, Ortiz snips off its head. Amid the spattering blood, the feathers and the whirring wings, Ortiz unzips his fly, placing the severed chicken head inside. Untying the carcass, he grabs its legs and, using it like a hammer, belabors the insides of a piano."

Isn't that a bummer? Well at least you won't try to repeat it now. "What does this mean?" you ask. Does it mean you'll stop trying to come up with original art ideas? I'm guessing no. In fact, I'm guessing you'll continue to believe that if you devote years to developing a personal art style, you will come up with a new art idea. Therefore, I will continue to present different already done ideas until the message is clear: "Nothing is new, get over it!"


Part II: Nothing Is New And No One Looks At It

As I claimed last time, being an artist is a simple job. If you can afford to buy materials or at least spend time digging through the garbage looking for them, then you're 90 percent there. The remaining 10 percent is spent on developing fresh ideas. However, as I explained last time, there are no new ideas in art. Henceforth, art is kaput and not worth the effort. But artists do not like to hear this sort of talk. One would think they would be relieved. It would allow them to go out and get that lucrative bartending job they dream about. But they don't. Instead they multiply and take up precious real estate in Manhattan.

So why do they do it? We could speculate that maybe art doesn't need new ideas. Like pancakes, there is no need for art to be continually changed and revamped. Pancakes were done the moment they were invented. Sure we may add things to them, but the essential concept is complete. Maybe the question should be "Why do people continue to make pancakes?" The answer to that question is simple. With their fluffy texture and their great taste, pancakes are loved by everyone. Consequently, if we assume that art is like a pancake, then maybe artists make art because, like pancakes, people don't care if the art is new, they just want more. It is true that even if you have a spectacular idea you still need an audience. Artists without audiences aren't artists, they're hobbyists.

But how true is the statement that people want art. The majority of people who look at art spend less then a minute actually looking at the artwork. The average person takes longer to eat a pancake than to look at art. The bottom line is that unless your art looks and tastes like a pancake people will take very little time to examine it. Therefore we can add to the original statement there are no new art ideas. Not only are there no new ideas in art, but no one cares anyway, except the artist, and even that's under question.

Don't believe me? Still thinking that with a truly innovative and masterly piece people will want to look at your work? You'll even argue that not only will they look but they'll also understand what you're trying to say. Think again art boy. Even the best artists with passionate avant-garde ideas can do little to hold the attention of the average or educated viewer. See for yourself.

UPSIDE DOWN PAINTING SYNDROME
The experts of a juried exhibition at the U.S. National Academy of Design awarded Edward Dickinson second place, only to discover that his work had been hung upside down. In 1936, Phantasy by Spencer Nichols hung upside down for 18 days at an exhibit in New Jersey. To cover the blunder, the New Jersey Museum Association responded that since the work was an abstraction it didn't matter which way it hung. They stated that they could only tell the work was upside down because his signature was "in the wrong corner." However, as Nichols pointed out, the work was not an abstraction but a seascape, which may have become abstract when it was turned upside down.

The work, Le Bateau by Matisse, hung upside down for 47 days in the Museum of Modern Art exhibition The Last Works of Henri Matisse. It was uprighted after Genevieve Habert, a Wall Street stockbroker, noticed the mistake. At first she notified a museum guard, who responded, "You don't know what's up and you don't know what's down and neither do we." After trying to get someone to listen, Habert gave up and called the New York Times about the mistake. The next day, after the director of exhibitions, Monroe Wheeler, was notified, the work was rehung properly. In response to questioning, the Times reported that Wheeler could only remember three other times when a similar event had occurred.

In 1963 art gallery officials in Manchester, England hung a work by Rauschenberg upside down. The error wasn't discovered until an artist visiting the gallery detected the mistake. It was then corrected only after officials looked at a catalogue of the show and noticed that alignment of the work in the catalogue was different from the way they had hung it. In 1965, the painting Grass and Butterflies by van Gogh was hung upside down by the National Gallery in London. From 1979 to 1989 the Wadsworth Anthneum in Hartford, Connecticut hung The Lawrence Tree by O'Keeffe upside down. In 1990 the piece joined a traveling O'Keeffe retrospective organized by the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C. Exhibition officials researching the work discovered letters from O'Keeffe complaining that the work had been hung the wrong way in an exhibition in 1931. The manner she described matched the same manner that the Wadsworth used to hang the painting. After the exhibition completed, Wadsworth hung the painting the way O'Keeffe had intended. And it doesn't stop there. These are just the highlights of a larger epidemic, which makes one wonder, "Who exactly does care about art?" If these so-called purveyors of art don't look at it then why make it, let alone try to think of a new idea for it? Sorry, I forgot. There are no new ideas in art. Maybe that's why no one looks at art, because there is nothing new to look at. I mean how many paintings of nothing can one look at to begin with? I think I'd rather have a pancake.



Part III: Anyone Can Be An Artist

At one time it took some effort to be an artist. Initially art making was considered a trade consisting of an apprentice and a master. Under careful tutelage, the apprentice would survey the work of the master and develop a style. Students would stay apprentices until the master deemed them capable enough to work on their own. During their studies apprentices had little room to interject personal ideas because they weren't learning ideas, they were learning skills.

As times changed, skills were no longer needed to be an artist. Marcel Duchamp took care of that. Let's face it, anyone can be an artist. The only people who still believe that skills are needed to be an artist are college professors who teach art and the people stupid enough to believe they need college to be an artist. Here's some advice: "Save your money." It is a lot cheaper to buy a color wheel than to finance a college degree. Besides the only useful skills you might learn in art school are how to stretch a canvas or turn on an arc welder.

So if artists don't need skills, then what do they need? They need ideas. But the problem with that is there are no new ideas in art. Remember that? And the only people who think there are new ideas in art are art school graduates. Why? It's primarily due to art professors needing new students so they can keep their jobs. Students go to art school because their professors tell them they will come to have profound revelations, but instead they learn how to mix paint. This is what they don't want you to know. Because if you did, you would save your money and just go and make art without the hassle of some washed up Abstract Expressionist telling you what looks good and what doesn't.

If you still want to make a living as an artist then do this, forget trying to come up with an idea and just copy stuff people like to look at. If you think that's a bad idea then riddle me this Artman, why is it that Sylvester Stallone is not only considered an artist, but he is also respected as a connoisseur of art? Just by buying art and making paintings that look like other people's art, Stallone has received recognition as an artist. In fact Sylvester Stallone may be the only reason some people in this country actually see and hear about contemporary art. Can you take credit for that? No, I didn't think so college grad. However you may be skeptical, so let's take a look at some of Sly's shining achievements.

SYLVESTER STALLONE: RENAISSANCE MAN
During the art boom of the '80s, Stallone hired art consultant Barbara Guggenheim to help him acquire 19th century bronze work, contemporary and impressionist painting and the work of younger, unknown artists, or as he put it, "undiscovered New York artists - you know the things." When asked about his eye for art, Guggenheim gushed, "His taste is brilliant." Showing support for the arts, Stallone modeled for figure drawing classes at the New York Academy of Art. Later the Academy exhibited a large sculpture of Stallone created by artist Martine Vaugel, whom Stallone modeled for at the academy.

The piece was originally supposed to be two life-size sculptures of him and ex-wife Brigitte Nielsen. But once their divorce took place, Stallone decided to have the extra clay used to make a bigger sculpture of him. Vaugel entitled the piece, Age of Steel. In 1988 Stallone bought a work from artist Mark Kostabi entitled Lovers, which featured two women entangled together on a bed. When Kostabi was asked why he thought Stallone bought the piece, he replied Stallone likes, "T&A." In response Stallone destroyed the work, along with another Kostabi piece. Kostabi retaliated and made a painting of Stallone with the body of a woman.

When they next met in public, Stallone and Kostabi exchanged words and slight punches. After the fight settled, Kostabi printed a public apology to Stallone, to which, as the consummate gentleman, he accepted. Stallone's credibility as a collector rises. In 1989 Stallone sued Barbara Guggenheim for alleged fraud and breach of contract. He pointed out that Guggenheim influenced his decision to buy a work of art by Adolphe William Bouguereau for $1.7 million, which he later discovered was worth much less because it had been restored. Other mistakes he blamed on his adviser included the purchase of a work by Anselm Kiefer for $1.75 million. At the time none of his works had sold for more than a million. Later when the work began to fall apart Stallone put it back on the market; but there were no buyers. When he complained to Kiefer the artist explained, "The work is still evolving." After the suit is dropped, Guggenheim says of Stallone, "That was an unfortunate situation… but I have the highest regard for [Stallone]." While Stallone was working on Rocky III, he donated the bronze Rockyvictory statue, sculpted by A. Tom Schomberg, to the Philadelphia Art Museum.

The statue sat atop the museum's steps in the Rocky films, which are the same steps the boxer triumphantly runs to the top of. After the film completed the museum returned the statue to Stallone. However the citizens of Philadelphia petitioned to have the work returned. The situation was resolved by letting the statue stand outside of the museum for the opening of the movie and then moving it to the Philadelphia arena, the Spectrum, after the premier. The statue stayed there until the filming of Rocky V, where once again the statue was placed atop the steps. Again when it came time to move the statue, the citizens of Philadelphia once fought for it to stay put.

This time Stallone hired a lawyer to fight for the statue, but to no avail, the statue was removed and placed back at the Spectrum. By the mid '90s Stallone, who always dabbled in painting, began to become less of a collector and more of an artist. Understanding what people want Stallone makes abstract canvases and sculptures using various themes from his movies . An example of his work includes a piece entitled, Rocky I, which is a mixed media piece constructed in the shape of man. The work is made of pages from the Rocky script. Stallone says of his work, "It's one thing when someone lays down six or seven dollars for a movie ticket. When they lay $30,000 to $40,000 [for a Stallone painting], it's an amazing validation… It's better than any feeling I've had in performance." In 1998, after several bad purchases and a declining market for art, Stallone begins to sell off his contemporary collection.

DSM-IV

Profile of the Sociopath

This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.

1.Glibness and Superficial Charm

2. Manipulative and Conning

3. They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

4.Grandiose Sense of Self

5. Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

6. Pathological Lying

7. Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

8. Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt

9. A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

10. Shallow Emotions

When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. 

12. Incapacity for Love

13, Need for Stimulation

14. Living on the edge.

15. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal.

16. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

17. Callousness/Lack of Empathy

18. Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

19. Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature

20. Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. 

21. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

22. Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency

Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

23. Irresponsibility/Unreliability

24. Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. 

25. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause.

26. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

27. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

28. Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle

29. Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

30. Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility

31. Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Qualities:

Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them

Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them

Authoritarian

Secretive

Paranoid

Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired

Conventional appearance

Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)

Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life

Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)

Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim

Incapable of real human attachment to another

Unable to feel remorse or guilt

Extreme narcissism and grandiose

(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)

NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.

DSM-IV Definition

Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.

Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)

1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:

    A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.

    B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.

    C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.

    D. Repeated assaults on others.

    E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.

    F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.

    G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.

2. At least eighteen years in age.

3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.

4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.

Antisocial Personality Disorder Overview (Written by Derek Wood, RN, BSN, PhD Candidate)

Antisocial Personality Disorder results in what is commonly known as a Sociopath. The criteria for this disorder require an ongoing disregard for the rights of others, since the age of 15 years.

Some examples of this disregard are reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others, failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, deceitfulness such as repeated lying or deceit for personal profit or pleasure, and lack of remorse for actions that hurt other people in any way. 

Additionally, they must have evidenced a Conduct Disorder before the age of 15 years, and must be at least 18 years old to receive this diagnosis.

People with this disorder appear to be charming at times, and make relationships, but to them, these are relationships in name only. They are ended whenever necessary or when it suits them, and the relationships are without depth or meaning, including marriages. 

They seem to have an innate ability to find the weakness in people, and are ready to use these weaknesses to their own ends through deceit, manipulation, or intimidation, and gain pleasure from doing so.

They appear to be incapable of any true emotions, from love to shame to guilt.

They rarely are able to have jobs that last for any length of time, as they become easily bored, instead needing constant change. They live for the moment, not thinking ahead what consequences their actions will have. They want immediate rewards and gratification.

There currently is no form of psychotherapy that works with those with antisocial personality disorder, as those with this disorder have no desire to change themselves, which is a prerequisite. No medication is available either. The only treatment is the prevention of the disorder in the early stages, when a child first begins to show the symptoms of conduct disorder.

THE PSYCHOPATH NEXT DOOR (Source: http://chericola57.tripod.com/infinite.html)

Psychopath. We hear the word and images of Bernardo, Manson and Dahmer pop into our heads; no doubt Ted Bundy too. But they're the bottom of the barrel -- most of the two million psychopaths in North America aren't murderers. They're our friends, lovers and co-workers. They're outgoing and persuasive, dazzling you with charm and flattery. Often you aren't even aware they've taken you for a ride -- until it's too late.

Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me."

Think you can spot one? Think again. In general, psychopaths aren't the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Rather they come from all walks of life and there is little evidence that their upbringing affects them. Elements of a psychopath's personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors. Explains Michael Seto, a psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental health in Toronto, by the time that a person hits their late teens, the disorder is almost certainly permanent. Although many clinicians use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably, writes psychopath expert Robert Hare on his book 'Without Conscience', a sociopath's criminal behavior is shaped by social forces and is the result of a dysfunctional environment.

Psychopaths have only a shallow range of emotions and lack guilt, says Hare. They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others. "Psychopaths play on the fact that most of us are trusting and forgiving people," adds Seto. The warning signs are always there; it's just difficult to see them because once we trust someone, the friendship becomes a blinder. Even lovers get taken for a ride by psychopaths. 

 It's primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long termFor a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. In the romance department, psychopaths have an ability to gain your affection quickly, disarming you with words, intriguing you with grandiose plans. If they cheat you'll forgive them, and one day when they've gone too far, they'll leave you with a broken heart (and an empty wallet). By then they'll have a new player for their game.

The problem with their game is that we don't often play by their rules. Where we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath's lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. "Psychopaths don't discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat," says Seto. "There's no distinction between friend, family and sucker."

No one wants to be the sucker, so how do we prevent ourselves from becoming close friends or getting into a relationship with a psychopath? It's really almost impossible, say Seto and Willson. Unfortunately, laments Seto, one way is to become more suspicious and less trusting of others. Our tendency is to forgive when we catch a loved one in a lie. "Psychopaths play on this fact," he says. "However, I'm certainly not advocating a world where if someone lies once or twice, you never speak to them again." What you can do is look at how often someone lies and how they react when caught. Psychopaths will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a psychopath may apologize but won't stop.

How do you make sure you don't get fooled when you're hiring someone to baby-sit your child or for any other job? Hire based on reputation and not image, says Willson. Check references thoroughly. Psychopaths tend to give vague and inconsistent replies. Of course the best way to solve this problem would be to cure psychopaths of their 'illness.' But there's no recipe for treating them, say psychiatrists. Today's traditional methods of psychotherapy (psychoanalysis, group and one-on-one therapy) and drug treatments have failed. Therapy is more likely to work when an individual admits there's a problem and wants to change. The common problem with psychopaths, says Sets, "Is they don't see a problem with their behavior."

Psychopaths don't seek therapy willingly, says Seto. Rather, they're pushed into it by a desperate relative or by a court order. To a psychopath, a therapist is just one more person who must be conned, and the psychopath plays the part right until the therapist is convinced of his or her 'rehabilitation.'

Even though we can't treat psychopaths effectively with therapy, it doesn't mean we can't protect ourselves, writes Hare. Willson agrees, citing the most important factor in keeping psychopaths at bay is to know your vulnerabilities. We need to "realize our own potential and maximize our strengths" so that our insecurities don't overcome us. Because, she says, a psychopath is a chameleon who becomes "an image of what you haven't done for yourself." Over time, she says, "their appearance of perfection will begin to crack," but by that time you will have been emotionally and perhaps financially scathed. There comes a time when you realize there's no point in searching for answers; the only thing is to move on.

Taken in part from MW -- By Caroline Konrad -- September 1999

THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY:

These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.

First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.

(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.

(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.

(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault.

(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.

(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.
If you have come into conflict with such a person or persons, do the following immediately!

(1) Notify your friends and relatives of what has happened.

Do not be vague. Name names, and specify dates and circumstances. Identify witnesses if possible and provide supporting documentation if any is available.

(2) Inform the police. The police will do nothing with this information except to keep it on file, since they are powerless to act until a crime has been committed. Unfortunately, that often is usually too late for the victim. Nevertheless, place the information in their hands.

Obviously, if you are assaulted or threatened before witnesses, you can get a restraining order, but those are palliative at best.

(3) Local law enforcement agencies are usually under pressure if wealthy or politically powerful individuals are involved, so include state and federal agencies as well and tell the locals that you have. In my own experience, one agency that can help in a pinch is the Criminal Investigation Division of the Internal Revenue Service or (in Canada) Victims Services at your local police unit. It is not easy to think of the IRS as a potential friend, but a Swedish study showed that malignant types (the Swedes called them bullies) usually commit some felony or other by the age of twenty. If the family is wealthy, the fact may never come to light, but many felonies involve tax evasion, and in such cases, the IRS is interested indeed. If large amounts of money are involved, the IRS may solve all your problems for you. For obvious reasons the Drug Enforcement Agency may also be an appropriate agency to approach. The FBI is an important agency to contact, because although the FBI does not have jurisdiction over murder or assault, if informed, they do have an active interest in any other law enforcement agencies that do not follow through with an honest investigation and prosecution should a murder occur. .

(4) Make sure that several of your friends have the information in the event something happens to you. That way, an appropriate investigation will follow if you are harmed. Don't tell other people who has the information, because then something bad could happen to them as well. Instruct friends to take such an incident to the newspapers and other media.

If you are dealing with someone who has considerable money, you must realize that they probably won't try to harm you themselves, they will contract with someone to make the hit. The malignant type is a coward and will not expose himself or herself to personal danger if he or she can avoid it.